Kaos' way behind movie reviews

Kaos · « **on:** May 14, 2009, 05:50:53 PM »

So this Netflix thing. Got me watching movies I meant to watch and never did.

We'll start today's reviews with The Wrestler.

Dear Marissa Tomei. You were so hot in Cousin Vinny. Why couldn't you have gotten naked then? Yeah your body is still pretty hot, but it sure would have been nice to see those little bitty titties when you were in your prime.

Mickey Rourke plays himself dressed as the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz. His damn face looked like an entire hive of bees stung him before every day on the set. It was distracting. He hasn't really done anything worth a shit since banging Basinger or that Cosby chick.

The story itself was completely predicatable. It was like Rocky meets a Lifetime movie or some shit.

Glowing reviews but people today must be very easily entertained. What a boring fuck of a movie.

Quick hitters:

Max Payne - Damn what a turd. What a festering turd. I didn't give a shit about the guy's wife or his kid. They stick Mila Kunis in there and she's constantly wearing some big ass fur coat or something so you never see anything but glimpses of her face. What a waste. One of the worst movies I've ever seen.

Rachel Getting Married -- Fuck Rachel. No, don't. Or do. Who cares? I watched this hoping for some hotness from that skinny Hathaway chick. Fail.

Townhallsavoy · « **Reply #1 on:** May 14, 2009, 07:24:08 PM »

I liked The Wrestler. I didn't so much enjoy it for the plot, but I thought it was an interesting look into washed up entertainers. Some people aren't so much addicted to drugs and alcohol as they are to attention and fame. Both lead to the same end - a washed up loser who never really accomplished anything.

wesfau2 · « **Reply #2 on:** May 15, 2009, 09:04:20 AM »

Quote from: townhallsavoy on May 14, 2009, 07:24:08 PM

I liked The Wrestler. I didn't so much enjoy it for the plot, but I thought it was an interesting look into washed up entertainers. Some people aren't so much addicted to drugs and alcohol as they are to attention and fame. Both lead to the same end - a washed up loser who never really accomplished anything.

Thumb.
In.
The.
Meat-slicer.

Ugh.

Townhallsavoy · « **Reply #3 on:** May 15, 2009, 05:20:12 PM »

Quote from: wesfau2 on May 15, 2009, 09:04:20 AM

Thumb.
In.
The.
Meat-slicer.

Ugh.

What's best is he did it on purpose.

"Fuck this job. I'm gonna slice my god damn thumb open."

Kaos · « **Reply #4 on:** May 16, 2009, 10:58:03 AM »

Today's reviews:

The Brave One
Starring Jodi Foster, Terrance Howard and some ridiculous Indian/Pakistani dude

Okay let's start with the casting. Foster pulled off the psycho killer part reasonably well. Where she failed -- and failed miserably -- was in the "I'm interesting and attractive enough for this cop and this Indian doctor to give a shit if I live or die." She just didn't cut it there. Killing people? Yeah, she did a good crazed look. Being the object of lust for TW? With her leather face, no-titty body, slouchy attire and slumping demeanor? Give me a fucking break. If they'd stayed away from that shit and just let her whack people the movie would have been better. TH also fails as a cop. He didn't convince me that he could figure out where his own ass was much less catch a criminal. Hate I wasted my time.

Lakeview Terrace
Starring Samuel L. Jackson and a bunch of other non-descript people.

What the hell? Samuel L. is a racist? Awesome. Is it wrong that I was pulling for him to get away with it and hoping his wooden-acting neighbors got riddled with bullets? The only thing that elevated this movie from utter turd-dom was Sam's penetrating glare. The two ditzes playing the neighbors? I hope they get killed in every movie they're in from here on out. Woman had a stupid trigger-fish mouth and her damn glasses annoyed the fuck out of me. The guy was a dickweed and his acting skills range from stoic-bland to stoic-terse. He sucked. I'll boycott any movies he's in from here on out unless he's playing a robot or a cigar-store Indian.

Iron Man
Starring Robert Downey Jr.., Terrance Howard, Gwenyth Paltrow and one of the Bridges guys

Seen this movie three times now. It's entertaining. Very much so. RDJ is one of the better actors of our time. I suffered through Tropic Thunder just for his performance which was outstanding. He's almost on par with Johnny Depp, but Depp couldn't have pulled this role off and made it work like RDJ did. Terrance was utterly unconvincing in his role, but that's a small complaint in an otherwise fairly perfect superhero movie. I love Batman and The Dark Knight was an incredible film, but that franchise has lost the ability to laugh at itself. Iron Man strikes just the right balance between serious and silly. It understands that the mission is to entertain, not brood and preach for four and a half hours. It is what it is. Escapist entertainment and done well. I'd watch it again. The Blu-Ray features leave a little to be desired. The 3D views of the robots were interesting but only briefly. I'll still buy this one.

Quick hitters:

House Bunny - Predictable. Anna Faris is cute, though. It harms no one and is fun enough to waste time on. Shouldn't have wasted time putting Demi Moore's plastic daughter in it. The makeover on the butch pin cushion is also nice. There's a hotness factor there.

Role Models - Don't care much for either of the two lead characters, but the movie redeems itself with constant references to KISS and a ridiculous battle scene at the end. Smart-mouth midget black kids can be entertaining, but only briefly.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #5 on:** May 17, 2009, 12:20:38 AM »

Today's reviews. Actually saw two movies today at the theaters. It was raining and my 8 year old had been bugging the crap out of me to see Wolverine. Took in the 4:00 matinee. The movie really jumps around and has way more story telling, slow parts than is needed. But then, that's kind of the premise of the whole movie...the beginnings of the X-men etc. Good special effects and Hugh Jackman is a bad ass, doing a lot of his own stunts in the movie. It's a Marvel Comics story and surprisingly, a ton of people are actually killed but it's obvious they leave out all the blood and gore they could have put in to liven it up. Not necessary though with a PG-13 rating. It's a rental if you're into the Marvel Comic scene..which I am.

Okay, shortly after situating the 8 year old with grandma, I'm back to the theater with the wife for a uterus flick. Ghosts of girlfriends past with Matthew McConaughey (sp?) So, within a couple of hours of each other, I'm watching movies with the last two sexiest men on earth. Does that make me...? Oh the hell with it. I pacified the wife and sat through it. Okay guys, if you have a date or wife and they want to take in a cutesy love flick...go. It's actually funny as hell. Matthew Mc plays a playboy who's fucked more hot ass than any man alive, but of course, there's the one girl..Jennifer Garner, who he's had a thing for since childhood. All very predictable throughout but with a top notch cast, including Michael Douglas, it's really not bad for a chick flick. It's worth the cash only if you have to pacify a date/wife who wants to see that kind of movie. It's pretty entertaining.

Saniflush · « **Reply #6 on:** May 18, 2009, 07:47:26 AM »

Quote from: Kaos on May 16, 2009, 10:58:03 AM

House Bunny - Predictable. Anna Faris is cute, though. It harms no one and is fun enough to waste time on. Shouldn't have wasted time putting Demi Moore's plastic daughter in it. The makeover on the butch pin cushion is also nice. There's a hotness factor there.

I wasted 45 minutes of my life watching this before I had the good sense to cut it off. I was ready to look for a gas oven.

Kaos · « **Reply #7 on:** May 18, 2009, 10:44:40 AM »

Quote from: Saniflush on May 18, 2009, 07:47:26 AM

I wasted 45 minutes of my life watching this before I had the good sense to cut it off. I was ready to look for a gas oven.

It was harmless fluff. I may have had the sound turned off for portions of it, I really can't remember.

Saniflush · « **Reply #8 on:** May 18, 2009, 01:14:56 PM »

Quote from: Kaos on May 18, 2009, 10:44:40 AM

It was harmless fluff. I may have had the sound turned off for portions of it, I really can't remember.

Never said it wasn't harmless. Just dumber than dogshit.

Kaos · « **Reply #9 on:** May 20, 2009, 02:49:31 AM »

Quote from: Saniflush on May 18, 2009, 01:14:56 PM

Never said it wasn't harmless. Just dumber than dogshit.

I'd watch a 48-hour House Bunny marathon over being subjected to any of the following Will Ferrel films for an hour:

Blades of Glory, Step Brothers or Semi-Pro.

They make dogshit look like Einstein.

I have "Doubt" sitting on the shelf. Can't bring myself to watch it. The idea of Meryl Streep clomping around for two hours in a black outfit sort of makes me ill.

Saniflush · « **Reply #10 on:** May 20, 2009, 07:44:00 AM »

Quote from: Kaos on May 20, 2009, 02:49:31 AM

I'd watch a 48-hour House Bunny marathon over being subjected to any of the following Will Ferrel films for an hour:

Blades of Glory, Step Brothers or Semi-Pro.

They make dogshit look like Einstein.

I have "Doubt" sitting on the shelf. Can't bring myself to watch it. The idea of Meryl Streep clomping around for two hours in a black outfit sort of makes me ill.

Agree on all counts.

wesfau2 · « **Reply #11 on:** May 20, 2009, 12:21:14 PM »

Quote from: Kaos on May 20, 2009, 02:49:31 AM

I have "Doubt" sitting on the shelf. Can't bring myself to watch it. The idea of Meryl Streep clomping around for two hours in a black outfit sort of makes me ill.

Doubt was good. I'm a sucker for most of Hoffman's movies, though. If you haven't seen them, watch Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, Capote, and Owning Mahowny.

AuburnChopper 3.0 · « **Reply #12 on:** May 20, 2009, 05:31:11 PM »

Quote from: Kaos on May 20, 2009, 02:49:31 AM

I'd watch a 48-hour House Bunny marathon over being subjected to any of the following Will Ferrel films for an hour:

Blades of Glory, Step Brothers or Semi-Pro.

They make dogshit look like Einstein.

I have "Doubt" sitting on the shelf. Can't bring myself to watch it. The idea of Meryl Streep clomping around for two hours in a black outfit sort of makes me ill.

Step Brothers and Semi-Pro are future classics. This is horseshit! .....from planet Camel Dicks!

Townhallsavoy · « **Reply #13 on:** May 20, 2009, 05:36:36 PM »

Quote from: AuburnChopper2.0 on May 20, 2009, 05:31:11 PM

Step Brothers and Semi-Pro are future classics. This is horseshit! .....from planet Camel Dicks!

Is that a quote from one of the movies? That's turrible.

Kaos · « **Reply #14 on:** May 20, 2009, 05:44:47 PM »

Quote from: townhallsavoy on May 20, 2009, 05:36:36 PM

Is that a quote from one of the movies? That's turrible.

I think it says a lot about the relative mentality when either of those two festering turds is considered of even remote quality.

My teenage daughter, who loves Will Ferrell, said Step Brothers was "painful" and a real disgrace.

Jumbo · « **Reply #15 on:** May 20, 2009, 07:45:18 PM »

My bloody Valentine was what you would expect from a slasher movie. The 3d was pretty cool, but hard to watch the whole movie with the 3D glasses on. I give it a 2 out of 5 stars.

AWK · « **Reply #16 on:** May 21, 2009, 12:18:38 AM »

High School Musical 3 and The Hannah Montana movies were teh bombz. OMG, I luved it. ROFL MY COPTERS!

Jumbo · « **Reply #17 on:** May 21, 2009, 02:24:55 AM »

Quote from: AWK on May 21, 2009, 12:18:38 AM

High School Musical 3 and The Hannah Montana movies were teh bombz. OMG, I luved it. ROFL MY COPTERS!

Step It Up 2 was a instant classic.

Kaos · « **Reply #18 on:** June 01, 2009, 03:02:44 AM »

Star Trek:

Fuck this movie. It was utter bullshit. Since it's still in theaters I'm not going to spoil the plot, but fuck whoever did this to the universe. Fuck Leonard Nimoy's ancient ass.

The special effects were good, but there were times they were so frenectic it was difficult to follow the action. The actors were adequate. The guy playing Spock was fair and the guy doing Kirk was outstanding. The rest were fairly forgettable.

There were a couple of the expected inside jokes.

But the story? Whoever wrote this should be taken to a Star Trek convention and tribbled to death.

I wanted very badly to like this movie. And maybe if I'd never watched Star Trek I might have. It just tried too hard to straddle the fence between pleasing the hard-core Trek fan and crafting a captivating film.

As the Batman franchise has proven, you can actually just start over. You don't have to tie up any loose ends. I'd have been perfectly happy with a story line that picked a certain point in the career of Kirk and Spock and followed their exploits. The unnecessary desire to try to tie up the entire series history really fucked the whole thing up.

In the end, i left unfulfilled and calling bullshit on the entire exercise.

It was fucked.

Jumbo · « **Reply #19 on:** June 01, 2009, 03:05:31 AM »

I thought the Wrestler was an ok movie, it was better than I thought it would be. 2.5 stars