Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[Kaos]

The Return

Atrociously bad horror/sci-fi film that borrowed concepts from Ghostbusters, every 'apparition' movie you've ever seen, the Butterfly Effect, and Back to the Future, and smashed all together in a mixing bowl.  What came out the other end is a monumentally bad meld of puzzling stupidity.

It made no sense. None of it did.

From changing the equation, to the skinless mom, to the ridiculous dots on the napkin that meant nothing, to the "oh, that girl is dead, so let's move right along so we don't have to deal with it", to zapping the ghost, to the nasty best-friend/girlfriend, to literally everything... Just random scenes that didn't tie together in any cohesive way. 

So, so bad. 

[Kaos]

Waxwork (1988)

Old horror movie.  Like a lot of things from this time period, it was campy and silly. 

Deborah (Valley Girl) Foreman was the lead girl, which was a draw. Sad to see the post Valley choices she made. Poor girl.

Several people you've seen before:  David Warner, Patrick (The Avengers, not the superhero ones) Macnee, Zach Galligan, John Rhys-Davis, Miles O'Keefe.  It was none of their finest moments.

Basic storyline: Bunch of students visit a wax museum devoted to horror characters.  Some disappear into the exhibits. The remaining Scooby Gang return to the museum in search of their missing friends.  They have to battle historically evil figures to liberate their pals.

It was intended to be campy and light. It was just mostly ridiculous. But fun for what it was.

[The Six]

Waxwork (1988)

Old horror movie.  Like a lot of things from this time period, it was campy and silly. 

Deborah (Valley Girl) Foreman was the lead girl, which was a draw. Sad to see the post Valley choices she made. Poor girl.

Several people you've seen before:  David Warner, Patrick (The Avengers, not the superhero ones) Macnee, Zach Galligan, John Rhys-Davis, Miles O'Keefe.  It was none of their finest moments.

Basic storyline: Bunch of students visit a wax museum devoted to horror characters.  Some disappear into the exhibits. The remaining Scooby Gang return to the museum in search of their missing friends.  They have to battle historically evil figures to liberate their pals.

It was intended to be campy and light. It was just mostly ridiculous. But fun for what it was.

Check out Chopping Mall on Tubi sometime. Same vein.

[wesfau2]

Check out Chopping Mall on Tubi sometime. Same vein.

Classic.  The VHS box cover is stamped in my memory.

RIP Network Video, Destin, FL.

[Kaos]

Monkey Man

Dev Patel in a John Wick style, ultra violent, tale of revenge.

Take John Wick, toss in a few Kill Bill tidbits, splash a little Birdcage around the edges and set the entire thing in India.

This is what you get. 

It wasn't bad, but there wasn't anything you haven't seen before. Stylized neon violence. One against many. Creative kills. The only thing different was the backdrop. It did not make me want to go to India.

[Kaos]

The Accursed

Hulu film about witches who fled the Balkans to find a new life in America and had some living thornbushes to protect them. 

A.Bys.Mal. 

Starred Yancy Butler (from the Xena-ish Witchblade TV show). Added Goran Visnjic (who you'll recognize but not remember from where, probably). 

If you're looking for horror? You won't find it here.  You also won't find quality acting, decent story, reasonable motivations, or any cohesive narrative whatsoever. And then it ends.

Best I can tell?  Horny witch bangs the husband of her best friend (also witch) on their wedding night, gets caught, gets cursed, loses hand and then spends the next 20-something years worrying about the curse and the buried secret. Nobody is allowed on their protected witch estate which is protected by mean thornbush. 

Her son is getting married and brings his bride to the compound for the most cringy wedding ever. Bride has an agenda, though, and jumps off in the thorns.  The curse gets unearthed and oh no, let the BAD acting ensue. 

Lord this was horrible.  I debated stopping it numerous times.

[Kaos]

Silent Night

Another revenge-themed, one man against an army film in the vein of Kill Bill, John Wick, Monkey Man, all the way back to Death Wish, and many, many, many more. Came out last Christmas.

When the list of revenge-kill films is as long as it currently stands, you need some element to make it stand out. Monkey Man had the Indian fable theme. Silent Night chooses to cleverly mix the Christmas angle with a focus on the silent part. 

In a story that's spooled out slowly over multiple flashbacks that sprinkle the entire run-time, the protagonist's son is gunned down as collateral damage during a drive-by gang gun battle in the streets on Christmas Day (or Eve, not sure about that). His dad (Joel Kinnaman, who played Murphy in the Robocop reboot, and was in both Suicide Squad movies), chases the gunfighters down the street - wearing a cheesy Christmas sweater, of course - and is shot in the throat by the lead gangbanger. 

He's now mute. Silent.

The rest of the movie unravels along tried and true standard tropes. He gets guns. He trains. He teaches himself how to fight, how to drive, how to use knives. All the things we've seen in a billion other films.

Then he goes on his vengeance tour.

John Woo was the director, so there are some reasonably decent action sequences. There's a ton of carnage. The problem I have with almost all of these movies is the same, though. The guy should have been dead at least 40 times.

There are also unrealistic plot contrivances that make me sigh and roll my eyes.  How many times do we have to see some detective go out on his own, not call for backup, and end up in the wrong/right place at the right/wrong time. That never happens. Like ever.

Still, once you get past the understanding that Kinnaman is not going to say a word during the entire film?  It's not horrible for what it is.  Another entry in the one man army list.  A better than average one, but that's about all.

[Kaos]

Foxcatcher

The true-ish story of multi-millionaire Jon DuPont (heir to the DuPont chemical fortune) and his foray into Olympic wrestling. 

I'm sure there was a compelling story in this tale, but the film was plagued by a glacial slowness and lifeless performances by both Steve Carrell (as DuPont) and Channing Tatum (as gold medalist Mark Schultz). 

Both of them portrayed their characters as spoiled, overly sensitive brats, trudging through life in a perpetually morose state. Wasn't a good choice for either. 

It's not until DuPont finally goes over the edge and lets the insanity that's been nibbling at his mind for years take control that the movie even attempts to pick up steam, but then it lets even that drift into a tedious slog again. 

I remember this when it happened. There was a good story to be found somewhere. Sadly, this wasn't it. 

[Kaos]

Late Night With the Devil

Late night talk show host in a battle for ratings with Carson in 1978 puts on what is basically Regan from the Exorcist.  Young girl supposedly possessed by a demon.

Be careful what you wish for.

The film does a good job of recreating the feel of a 70s late night talk show and plays it out exactly that way. 

It takes a while for anything of substance to happen and even then, there are really no new tricks in the box.

It’s not a bad movie it just didn’t deliver much bang for the buck. 

The one thing it did remind me, however, during the opening montage is how bad things were in the late 60s — and that those people are the ones in charge now screwing up the country. 

[Kaos]

Thunderforce

Mildly amusing story of two really fat superheroes - Melissa McFatty and Olivia “I done ate evathang” Spencer — doing battle in Chicago with super-charged bad guys called Miscreants. 

Spencer plays a brilliant billionaire who invents the formula to turn herself into a crime fighter with super strength and the power of invisibility.  McCarthy is the schlumpy loser friend from high school who accidentally gets herself injected with the strength serum, leaving Spencer only invisibility. 

Together they become Thunder Force.

I’ve seen worse (Aquadude, for instance). McCarthy plays the same single note character she always does. It’s annoying and grating as usual.  Spencer seems lost in the role. No idea what to do with it.

Jason Bateman steals the show as a half man half crab Miscreant with a conscience.

I don’t like McFatty.  She has so little talent and so much ego.  This … kind of like the spy movie she did … doesn’t completely flop because of the people around her. 

[Kaos]

Runaway

Movie from the late 80s that wasn’t as bad as its reputation suggests.

Tom Selleck is a cop on the robot squad charged with handling rogue robots.

Cynthia Rhodes at the height of her attractiveness as his new partner. 

Kirstie Alley at the peak of her attractiveness as a secretary forced to steal computer chips for….

Gene Simmons in his first major movie role as Luther, a criminal with some kind of never fully explained plan to do something with the chips to make machines go haywire.

It’s a Michael Crichton film.

Gene overreacts.  He’s okay at times but way too over the top at others. Clearly not completely comfortable on camera. But his hammy performance shouldn’t have been enough to wreck this film.

It was better than I remembered. Things I found interesting?  It predicted the use of drones; of robots being used to disarm bombs; of full-house platforms like Alexa (although theirs did more); of smart bullets;  of Bluetooth; of cell phones; of video doorbells; of the wide availability of Internet; and of CCTV surveillance available online.

Is it classic film? No.  The 9-minute kissing scene that closed the movie reeked of cheese.  But it’s still better than 82.4% of what the studios churn out now. 

[Kaos]

Lisa Frankenstein

Kind of a goth Juliet and living dead Romeo with a splash of loony gore. 

Misfit high school senior mourning her murdered mother now lives with her dad, stepmom, and stepsister. 

She finds solace in the graveyard where she forms an attachment with the headstone image of a long-dead guy. 

Cue wish, lightning and the resurrection of her crush. 

The pair slide quickly into murder and eventually - after some additional carnage and a bizarre surgical solution — consummate their relationship.

With cops closing in they seal their eternal pact.


It’s not a terrible movie.  It wasn’t meant for me but had some redeeming qualities. I found it somewhat funny that she used a tanning bed to try to get the undead to look more lifelike.

Lisa was good enough.  So too was one of the normally detestable Sprouse twins as the lover come to life. 

Decent for what it was but I don’t think it has an audience.  A little too brutal for the teenage crowd in places and too teen-angst focused for adults. 

[Kaos]

Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F

I love the original Beverly Hills Cop.  It came at the apex of Murphy's star power, a time that gave us all-time classics like Trading Places, 48 Hours, up to Coming to America. After that, his role choices faltered and his star dimmed. I'll just leave the transvestite trolling to lie here like a dead fish. 

Ten years after the original Beverly Hills Cop premiered, Murphy rolled out Cop 3. It wasn't terrible, but it really diminished the brand. 

Now, 40 years after the original, 20 years post III, comes Beverly Hills Cop (4): Axel F.  Available to stream on Netflix.


It's more of an homage to the beginning, hauling back almost all of the original cast including Serge, Rosewood, Taggart, and Jeffery. No Lisa Eiibacher taking on the Jenny role, though.  I think she retired from the business altogether.

Much of the original music is interspersed throughout the film, albeit a few of the pieces modernized. 

Murphy's Foley goes through the same basic pattern as the original. Crashing and smashing through Detroit, on the verge of being suspended. Called to LA due to someone he's close to being in danger (in this case a daughter we knew nothing about who SHOULD have been mentioned at some point in Cop III if she actually existed, because she's 32 and would have been 12 at that time).

Once in LA, more fish out of water scenes, more carnage, more stolen vehicles and chases, more going rogue outside the law, more dragging Taggert, Rosewood along.  This time add Joseph Gordon Levitt (a detective) and whoever is playing his daughter (a lawyer) and their romantic chemistry to the outside the law rampage.

The Levitt/daughter romance seemed a little forced. So too did the "I messed up but I wanna be your daddy" sideline.

Still, it hewed more closely to the original (as well as 2) that it was an enjoyable nostalgic film. 

Taggart and Rosewood looked much worse for wear. Murphy - except for the fact that he cannot run any longer - has not aged as badly. I get it.  He's older than me.  I couldn't do a running after the bad guy scene if I had to. So I don't begrudge that. 

The best part to me was when Foley went to a hotel to do one of his patented scams to get a room and then stopped saying "You know what? I'm too tired for this... Do you have a room?"   That kinda hit home.  Am I really trying to do the same ridiculous crap I was doing when I was 23? 

It won't change the world, but I enjoyed the film for what it was. I took it as a retirement party for the main three characters. At that? It wasn't a bad way to go out.

[Snaggletiger]

Lincoln Lawyer

I really liked the original movie with Matthew McConkhashay. The Netflix series, not so much.  Snagette loves to get involved in these series, and begs me to watch with her.  Not my thing.  I love having the remote and watching 10 different things at a time.  I suffered through Ozark with Jason Bateman and Laura Linney.  It had it's moments, but I thought it was very poorly done.  You couldn't get invested in any characters, because they'd kill them off every other episode. Anywho...

Weekend before last, we were stuck in Montgomery with a sick pup, and had nothing to do but watch TV.  She started Lincoln Lawyer and I grudgingly went along.  Finished it last night, and that damn sure wasn't soon enough.  The acting was atrocious, cheesy and everything in between.  Even though I like the NCIS series with Mark Harmon, think a step down from that level acting.  I even checked back to see if the two were done by the same producer. 

My review:  Skip it altogether.

[War Damn Six]

I suffered through Ozark with Jason Bateman and Laura Linney.  It had it's moments, but I thought it was very poorly done.  You couldn't get invested in any characters, because they'd kill them off every other episode. Anywho...

I don’t even know you anymore.

[Kaos]

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire

I really liked Godzilla vs. Kong (minus the whole Millie Lilly Dooby Brown storyline).  Godzilla Minus One was fantastic. When Godzilla x Kong popped up on Max today I was stoked to watch it. Surely it would feed off the momentum of Vs. Surely...

No. 

It was a disappointment.

WAAAAAAAYYYYY too much Hollow Earth mumbo jumbo. They could have cut 90% of that out and been just fine.  No loss. The movie ran for just under two hours, but it felt like three because the whole Hollow Earth, new species, figure out these hieroglyphs, prattle on endlessly meandering felt interminable.

When the Titans were on screen, it was noisy, outrageous, carnage. 

I've come to realize that I care nothing about Tokyo or San Francisco at all. I've seen those two towns torn up in several Godzilla films over the decades. Didn't faze me at all.  This one, though?  Destroying Rome? Knocking down some of the seven wonders of the world? Flattening Rio?  That bothered me.

The physical/structural damage would be in the hundreds of billions, and some of the areas annihilated can never be restored.  On top of that, the minimal warning when the beasts (multiple Titans, not just the primaries) brawled in the streets would have led to thousands upon thousands dead.

A better story and setup in Vs was enough to overlook that, I guess. This time I had a difficult time getting past it. Just too much.

It was all too much.  Too much Hollow Earth palaver, too many antagonists/protagonists, too much destruction. During the brawling scenes I found myself drifting off and thinking about other things until they finally ended.

It did try to infuse a sense of fun by tossing in some music along the way, but none of it ever fit the scene. I always give credit when a KISS song is part of the mix, and there was one interjected here but its placement was poor and it just made no sense to queue it up in that activity. None of the rest of the "oldies" they randomly jammed in fit either. Credit for trying, F for execution.

Love Godzilla movies. Love Kong movies. This one?  I've seen it and I have no interest in going back to it again.  At least Molly Flobby Brown wasn't in it. That was a small blessing.

[chinook]

I don’t even know you anymore.

the guy drinks diet cola with bourbon.

[Snaggletiger]

the guy drinks diet cola with bourbon.

Whore shit.  Never diet.  Full on original formula.

[Snakebite]

Whore shit.  Never diet.  Full on original formula.

Whatever you say, Stephon. 54 days til some Auburn Football, by the way. Join me in dry July to pamper the innards for the abuse to come starting late August.

[Snaggletiger]

Whatever you say, Stephon. 54 days til some Auburn Football, by the way. Join me in dry July to pamper the innards for the abuse to come starting late August.

You dry this July?