Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[Kaos]

Screw that anti gun asshole making money off of  guns.
Not one red cent!

He pees his pants a lot in real life.

[GH2001]

He pees his pants a lot in real life.

Same with Costner. The gun part. Not sure if he pees his pants.

[Kaos]

Jurassic Something: Dumbination somwhere

One of the worst movies I've ever seen. 

I'd rather watch VelociPastor. 

It was so, so, so, so, bad. 

Laura Dern and Sam Neill looked like they were ashamed to be there, but needed the paycheck. 
Chris Pratt looked like he'd be happier with a fake raccoon.
Dallas Howard looked like Opie. She chubby.
Goldblum's eccentricity was the only thing that held it together and even that felt forced. He's better in the apartments.com ads.
BD Wong? C'mon man. Don't debase yourself.

Story:
Giant bugs eat all the crops, dinosaurs, clones who get pregnant without a man, afterthought dinosaurs.  Oh, the movie is over so let's do a voice-over for five minutes to wrap it up. 

GARBAGE.   Give me $93 and two rolls of toilet paper and I could draw a film better than this.  They had $93 million and this giant pile of bronto turds is what we got?

[Kaos]

 Oscar Nominations

Once again I've seen almost none of the nominated films/actors.  Of the ten films nominated for Best Picture, I've seen one.  Banshees if Inisherin (reviewed on Pg 164 of this thread). 

Avatar? No. Elvis? Fuck no. Top Gun? No, but probably will. All Quiet on the Western Front? Maybe in the 70s or something. Everything Everywhere All At Once? Nope, never heard of it. The Fablemans? Nope, sounds shitty. Women Talking? Fuckity fuck fuck no. Triangle of Sadness? Or whatever Madonna calls her poon these days....NO. 

Small blessing that Disney's disastrous Wakanda wasn't given a sympathy nod I suppose. 

But back to Banshees. 

It's taking all the glory that In Bruges truly, honestly, deeply deserved.   It's 10x the movie this one is.  Banshees is nominated not only for Best Picture, but also Best Actor (farrell), Supporting Actor twice (Gleeson and some other dude), Supporting Actress (Kerry Condon), Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, Best Editing, Original Score... a total of nine nominations. 

All of that belonged to In Bruges.  Actor Gleeson or Farrell, Supporting Actor Fiennes, Supporting Actress Posey, and so on.  That film got ONE nomination -- Screenplay -- while Oscars that year went to Slumdog Millionaire and fucking Jeff Spicoli for playing a gay guy named Milk. 

I won't watch the Oscars - what's the point.  This film will win nothing, and even if it did, it can't make up for the failure to honor it's better older brother In Bruges.

[GH2001]

Avatar? No. Elvis? Fuck no. Top Gun? No, but probably will. All Quiet on the Western Front? Maybe in the 70

FWIW - I didnt think any of these were bad.

Oscar worthy? No. But not bad at all. The Elvis one is...."different" but if you've ever seen or heard anything Baz Luhrman has ever done, its about on par with his MO. Ironically, I thought Tom Hanks was the WORST part overplaying Col Parker.

Top Guns decent nostalgia that did its job.

Avatar gets props simply for creativity and the visual spectacle.

All Quiet was solid to me albeit old fashioned. It is prob the best of those 4.

But Banshees should win among all those listed.

[Kaos]

Violent Night

Rarely do you watch a film thinking you know what you're going to get, but once it gets rolling you end up with something so much greater, more fun, more surprising. Movies like Pirates of the Caribbean and Krampus come immediately to mind. Add Silent Night to the list. I thought I knew what it was going to be, but it went so far beyond that. It was significantly more entertaining than I anticipated. It was so much better than I hoped. 

Christmas and horror aren't always a good mix. I've seen so many films that tried to make it work. Black Christmas - only the first was any good and it could have been set at any time of the year. Red Christmas, Silent Night (two versions), Silent Night/Deadly Night, Mercy Christmas, All Through the House, Christmas Bloody Christmas, All the Creatures were Stirring all tried to find the combination and failed for various reasons -- usually a $4 budget and crap actors.

Then there was Krampus. Really good film and now part of my standard Christmas fare. Violent Night now joins that rotation. It's one I'll watch again when the holidays roll around.

David Harbour was a great Santa. He's the Santa we need, not the Santa we deserve.  His performance truly elevated the film.

The film was funnier than I expected, wedged in a unique (but somehow believable) Santa origin story, had some saccharine moments (required in any Christmas movie) and possessed a depth I wasn't prepared for.  It wasn't just "oh, how shocking! Santa's a killer!!"  Violent Night gave a reason and rationale for it and made Saint Nick's run as a bludgeoning marauder something the audience could get behind. 

Good production values, beautifully shot. I loved how it wove in elements from other Christmas movies - particularly another favorite - Home Alone.  Any film that can make you laugh and cringe simultaneously at over-the-top mayhem gets huge credit in my book. That happens multiple times over the course of this movie.

The only flaw was the obligatory and forced injection of the bi-racial family. That part just didn't work at all. Everything else? Simply fantastic.

The villains - Scrooge, Krampus, Gingerbread, Peppermint, Candy Cane, Jingle, Frosty - were all humorously violent, particularly Krampus. 

It was so much more fun that I could have hoped for.  I avoided it during the holidays because I was afraid it would be another failed entry in the Christmas Horror genre. Another film where a blood-soaked Santa was all it had to offer.  That was a mistake. I wish I'd watched it while the tree was still up and the smell of evergreen lingered. Exponentially better than I ever imagined it could be. 

Highly recommend.

THIS is the kind of movie that should win Oscars. Harbour's turn as jolly old Saint Nick is far better than Collin Farrell being Collin Farrell in Banshees (although I love Farrell). 

In case you missed it, I really/really/really/really like this movie.  I'm going to watch it again tonight. 

[Kaos]

The Harder They Fall

I don't mind a little creative license. I understand that sometimes you have to change a few things up to give a film a compelling narrative. But this? No.  It's too much.

The director plucked a bunch of names from history and then blackwashed the entire thing.  Filled old west towns with nothing but black people. Turned American Indians into black characters. Created an entire history that simply didn't and doesn't exist. It's too much. The Old West wasn't rife with black trans/les characters. The Old West wasn't loaded with black sheriffs, black outlaw gangs, or any of that. It's absurd to pretend it was. 

That's bad enough, but the director (or directors) apparently think of him(them)selves as a modern day Quentin Tarrantino. The problem is they don't understand at ALL what makes Tarrantino films work.  It's not overly long, and overly verbose soliloquies.  It's not slow motion blood sprays. It's not camera angles and lighting.  But that's all they've got here.

It's kind of sad, really, because I like many of the actors in this movie. 

Idris Elba? Goes without saying. He's done some great work. This? Was ridiculous. He's playing Rufus Buck, head of a real gang in the Old West, but who was also an Indian - Elba isn't that.

Lakeith Stanfield? Thought he was great in Sorry to Bother You. Here? He's a black guy playing a character who was white/Indian in reality and doing it badly.

RJ Cyler? Outstanding in Emergency. Completely miscast here. There was a real Jim Beckwourth, but he wasn't a cowboy gunslinger. He was a fur trader and explorer.

Zazie Beetz? Sweet work in Deadpool. She plays Stagecoach Mary. In real life, Mary was an ugly, foul-mouthed disgraced nun who made a living washing clothes and running a mail route. She was NOT a top-hat-wearing, saloon-owning, singing, gun-slinging siren of the west.

It goes on and on.  Nothing in this film bears any resemblance to the reality of the times.

Even so, take the utterly absurd historical blackwashing out of the equation and the movie is STILL completely unwatchable. I won't get to the end.

The overly verbose and emotionally fraudulent script, the over/under acting performances (among the worst of every character on the screen), and the poorly plotted and vacant plot put this movie in the pile of the immediately forgettable. 

[Kaos]

Babylon
Margot Robbie. Brad Pitt. Looked like a fun caper type movie about Hollywood.

Instead, in the five or six minutes I watched before I gave up in disgust, I was treated to a very clear reminder that Hollywood has always been subversive, perverted and warped. For the last 100 years, it's subverted our culture and our values while it wallowed in filth and degradation.

I didn't and won't finish this movie. If you find degenerates randomly fucking, women pissing in men's faces, fat bastards beating whores to death and orgies set to jazz-era swing?  Knock yourself out. 

Fuck Hollywood. Bunch of sick freaks.

[AUJarhead]

If you find degenerates randomly fucking, women pissing in men's faces, fat bastards beating whores to death and orgies set to jazz-era swing?

Nook, how was Amsterdam?

[Kaos]

Black Adam

I tried. I really, really did.  I tried to watch this movie.  Five different times I tried.  I've yet to finish it and I never will. 

Don't get me wrong, I've been strongly attracted to Sarah Shahi for years.  Ever since I saw her in L Word and then Sopranos for one episode. Never envied Tony more.  But even that wasn't nearly enough to get me to the end of this. 

There just are no words at all for how bad this is.  Rock is TERRIBLE.  It's like somebody decided to make a superhero movie parody but forgot it was a parody and played it straight. 

I'm at a loss for words.  It is simply atrocious.  Possibly the worst superhero movie in the history of the genre. 

[Snakebite]

Black Adam

I tried. I really, really did.  I tried to watch this movie.  Five different times I tried.  I've yet to finish it and I never will. 

Don't get me wrong, I've been strongly attracted to Sarah Shahi for years.  Ever since I saw her in L Word and then Sopranos for one episode. Never envied Tony more.  But even that wasn't nearly enough to get me to the end of this. 

There just are no words at all for how bad this is.  Rock is TERRIBLE.  It's like somebody decided to make a superhero movie parody but forgot it was a parody and played it straight. 

I'm at a loss for words.  It is simply atrocious.  Possibly the worst superhero movie in the history of the genre.

I watched 10 minutes when it came out on whatever App and had to turn it off. Would rather rewatch Ernest Goes to Camp as an adult.

[GH2001]

I watched 10 minutes when it came out on whatever App and had to turn it off. Would rather rewatch Ernest Goes to Camp as an adult.

Now, Ernest Scared Straight....thats where it's at man.

[Kaos]

Rocky IV: Rocky vs. Drago

I'm not ashamed to admit that I love Rocky IV.  I first watched it from the balcony of a downtown theater in its initial run. Still gives me chills to remember the entire audience standing up and cheering at the end, my date in Adrian-like tears. I don't care that it's cheesy, I don't care that it's covered in late 80s glitter.  Ronald Reagan was my president, it was a new day in America, people were proud to love this country and wave its flag. And Rocky Balboa singlehandedly won the Cold War by doing what no one on earth thought he was capable of doing. 

There are some who say that movie hasn't aged well, primarily because it wrapped itself so heavily in 80s Glamour Shot glory. One of those who felt this way is apparently Sylvester Stallone, Rocky himself. Even though the movie was a colossal success (and remains beloved by millions, me included) the harsh reaction of critics stung. So he decided to take a second stab at it; to give it more emotional resonance and dial back the 80s sheen.

In the end, he cut out about 40 minutes of film, added 42 minutes and came out with a story that is different while remaining the same.  Was it worth it?  I don't know.  For someone who can quote almost verbatim the entire script of the  original film, the pacing was odd and it threw me.  Imagine Guns and Roses decided to redo Welcome to the Jungle, added a new verse, moved Slash's guitar solo to the beginning and then layered in something that had the feel of a ballad as a bridge. It's kind of the same thing here. 

The biggest things I noticed? 

• There was less of Paulie and none of Paulie's robot.
• More time was spent examining why Apollo wanted to fight Drago - Creed had a bigger part.
• Rocky absolved himself of the towel toss
• The fight between Apollo and Drago looked more evenly matched early on, it wasn't an absolute rout from the moment Drago attacked.
• There was a little more Adrian, particularly when Rocky explains his motivations to fight
• The end scene after vanquishing Drago was extended, including some displays of mutual respect

I get what he tried to do. He tried to give the film an emotional depth the original didn't have. The thing is, I don't think it was necessary. I love ALL Rocky films (except 5, which never happened). But I'm not watching them looking for that depth. I watch them to see the guy fight the odds and become a better version of himself.  None of us are there for introspection, I don't think.

Would Stallone's version have made the same bank at the theaters the original did?  Yeah, probably. 
Was it interesting to see the story he wanted to tell versus the one that ended up on the screen, despite their undeniable similarities?  Yep.
When I decide to watch Rocky IV again (and I will, many more times assuming I live that long) will I choose the Stallone version over the one that enthralled me in the beginning?  Probably not.

[Kaos]

Scream VI

The original was unique and self-aware.  A great addition to the horror genre.  The final reveal(s) weren't obvious. The various sequels and reboots haven't been as good. 

Scream 5 tried to bring the franchise to a new generation by building a bridge between the old (a hacked up Courtney Cox, still attractive Neve Campbell, the Arquette dude)  and a new set of stalked teens (black lesbo, some hispanic girls who absolutely cannot act, and the obligatory super cool, smart, nerdy black guy).  It had potential and also weaknesses. 

Scream 6 tries to move on, focusing only on the new group with some involvement by an even worse-looking Cox and adding another plank to the bridge by hooking in Hayden Panty-something who was in the middle span with Emma Roberts - which was actually pretty good and could have stood on its own.

They stole the "aging" of the mask from Halloween Kills and ends, giving it some gray crackling. Was a good look. They also added an element of meanness and violence that hasn't always been a part of the franchise.  Ghostface is brutal and violent in a way far more reminiscent of a Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers than any of his prior incarnations. 

The biggest difference between Ghostface and Myers, Krueger, Voorhees is that the latter three are to some degree immortal. Always the same person under the mask. Ghostface is immortal, too, but only in that a different person - or usually more than one person - takes up his robes every time.

I didn't hate it. But I hated all the characters.  Jenny Ortega is a complete waste of flesh.  Useless. Is she supposed to "be" somebody?   Her "sister" is decent to look at, but also can't act for shit.  In what world is she really "dating/fucking/whatever" the old man from across the hall? The blesbian who takes on Jamie Kennedy's frantic 'let me explain the rules' part? The one who's also in Yellowjackets?  Worthless.  The acting is so bad, you almost wonder if it's purposeful. They can't be serious with this shit.

When Delmott Mulrooney is far and away the best actor in the film? Yeah. that's what you've got. It's hard to look at Cox remembering how damn cute she was in the Springsteen video.   

Product placement was pretty funny.  Coors. Cheetos. Mountain Dew.  Others.

Seeing references to Michael Myers, Jason Pinhead, Freddy Krueger, Pennywise, The Shining, Svengooolie, Midsommar and more slicing through the crowd in a subway scene was interesting.  Filmmakers live in this crazy alternate world where everybody in the universe puts on costumes for days around Halloween and then wander the streets. I've seen it played out in movie after movie, including this one. It's not true and never has been. I always, always, always roll my eyes when I see that.

The 'twist' ending doesn't pay off in this one, unfortunately.  It's kind of obvious, really.  Or at least part of it is. All you have to do it look.

There are also a LOT of people getting their guts re-arranged with a knife who get up and keep on going. That's kinda not realistic.

The biggest problem is there's no emotional connection to the characters.  Just don't care about them and SERIOUSLY don't want the final girls to be the final girls.  There's no way they can build a franchise around these two zero-talent hookers and their cliched friends. I figure they'll try.

Time to die already.

[Kaos]

Captain America: Civil War

The less said about this the better. 

I just didn't enjoy it. 

Oh it was better than Batman v Superman while grappling with similar "where is the oversight" themes but that's not saying much. 

I literally didn't give one single fuck about the cat person.  I could do without fire fingers and red face too. And also spider twit. 

The "villain" such as he was added nothing and his knowledge, access, financial resources and expertise defied logic. 

Bear in mind that I don't much care for the Thor movies -- except for Loki --nor did I like either previous CA. Fuck Bucky. 

This movie just didn't have the easy elan of the great ones.  Avengers and Iron Man 1 and 3.   

This entire genre is losing its touch.  It's almost become ponderous self parody. 

It needs to end soon before it eats itself. 

My wife is dead. My mom is dead. Oh boo fucking hoo.

I was wrong. About many things.  This is one. 

Much better film than I gave it credit for.  I was going through a difficult time apparently.

[Kaos]

Guardians of the Galaxy 3

It helps if you watched the Christmas special.  If you didn't, there are a few little things you'll miss, including one kind of amusing bit in the final end credit scene. It's not required, though. The movie stands alone just fine. 

This film really should have been given a sub title: The Search for Rocket because it's really the racoon's story. It's a story of discovery for Rocket as he (and we) discover who he is and why he is. 

That's not all the movie is, though. The film is completely stuffed with characters.  Quill, Gamora, Nebula, Drax, Mantis, Groot, Stallone's Reaver, and Kraglin are all given plenty to do and each has his/her own place in the broader story of saving Rocket.

The Guardians are united in a common cause after the megalomaniac psychopath who made Rocket who he is attempts to kidnap the racoon. The attempt injures Rocket and the crew comes together in an effort to find the key to saving his life.

The film starts where the Christmas special left off with the Guardians adrift on Knowhere: Quill numbing the loss of Gamora with booze, Rocket glumly musing his self perception as a weirdo, Nebula learning to fit in and Drax, Mantis and Groot hanging around looking for purpose.

They find it when Rocket is injured and a determined Quill decides his friend isn't going to die on his watch. 

The movie is much darker and deeper than the first.  It's a little too long and a little too noisy but overall it's a really good, possibly great movie.  It gives each of the characters (except one, Golden Boy) a fitting end to the trilogy. Unlike almost every Marvel movie ever, it doesn't set up anything, doesn't tease the broader universe. It stays out of the whole confusing (and failing) multiverse concept that has driven the entire MCU off the rails -- with the exception of the alternate Gamora.

Even though there is the obligatory mountain of destruction and things that go boom, this is a character-driven story with heart. 

I enjoyed it. 

[Kaos]

Cocaine Bear

"Based on a true story" 

Guy dropped cocaine out of a plane and jumped. Parachute didn't open, he died. Bear later found dead in the woods from cocaine overdose, bags of powder all around.   That's the story. 

Embellished here as rampaging bear that rips apart hikers, flings body parts around for fun and chews the scenery.  So based on a true story essentially means "what would happen if...." as opposed to "what had happened was." 

It was supposed to be comedic, I assume. There was some mildly funny gore along the way. I just didn't find the joy in it that others apparently did. It wasn't the broad, campy romp I think the directors were aiming for. I didn't enjoy it like I thought I would.

The film never found the balance in what it wanted to be. Was it a comedy? A horror movie? A drama? It did a little of it all and did none of it well.
 
Lots of mid to lower-level talent wasted here, including Kerri Russell, the gay ginger from Modern Family, Baby Ice Cube, pretend Han Solo, Tormund Giantsbane, Senator Clayton Davis from The Wire (and a thousand other things), and Margot (I'm in everything now, I'm the white Samuel L. Jackson)  Martindale.  Last but not least, this was the farewell performance of Ray Liotta - really only good in Goodfellas - who died after this was filmed.

[Kaos]

All Quiet on the Western Front

Watched about 3/4 of this in German, reading subtitles, until I realized I could switch it to English.  It was probably better in German.

It's the story of a group of young men, swept up in nationalistic fervor, who sign up for the German effort in World War I and are thrust into the middle of brutal fighting at the western front.

The movie does a good job of portraying the physical horror of ground war as it was waged at that time. As the end credits state, several million men died over the course of a few years, their entrenched positions changing no more than a few feet either way. 

Other than the rampant brutality and the general stupidity of it all, the film is actually pretty predictable.

It's a long, dirty, bloody, degrading, demanding slog through a series of horrifying deaths interspersed with scenes of utter bleakness. 

It was like the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan ran for almost two hours.

Not sure it deserved all the award buzz it got.

[Kaos]

Dungeons and Dragons
Don't know what I expected.  The trailers made it seem like a fun romp, kind of a cross between Guardians of the Galaxy and Game of Thrones.  Whatever it was supposed to be, it wasn't. Oh, I realize the paid critics will strongly disagree and likely praise the performances - particularly of Chris Pine and Michelle Rodriguez. 

i'm gonna have to go ahead and disagree. Pine was flat. Flat as a week old Dr. Pepper sitting on the counter. He had less life than the dead-eyed animated freaks in Polar Express. Rodriguez wasn't much better. The filmmakers did a terrible job of creating characters that resonated. They always felt like they were at a table reading and not really putting much into it. 

Hugh Grant tried - a little - but even he didn't add much. 

Maybe it would have helped if I knew anything at all about D&D, but I don't. Less than nothing, honestly. I've heard the term and know some nerds obsess over it. But I've never seen the game, never touched a board piece (if there are any?), never known a rule.

I don't think knowing the game would have made any difference other than seeing potential easter eggs and wink/nods to the game embedded along the way - and that wouldn't have added much. 

All I got out of this movie is a bunch of noise, a poorly-acted and badly sketched 'family' plot, long stretches of boredom, and some CGI that I've seen done better elsewhere. Nothing about it really worked at all.   

I can't fathom who the target audience for this movie was.

[Kaos]

Ant Man and the Wasp: Quadrophenia (whatever)

Ant Man is the blandest of the the Marvel lineup.  It's not absurd and tangled like the almost unwatchable Dr. Strange entries. It's not outrageous and campy like the last two Thor entries. But it also doesn't rise to the level of Ironman or Captain America. 

Part of that is the general genial blandness of Paul Rudd. That's not a condemnation, it's just what he is. It fits the part. He  doesn't have the same charisma as Downey, Hemsworth, Evans, or even Johannsen. That everyman blandness helps make the character work, though. Rudd as Scott actually leans into it, accepting that Antman is fourth or fifth banana on the Avengers tree, at best.

The rest of the ensemble is reasonably strong. The girl from Freaky (who I like) stepping into the daughter role, Michelle Pfieffer and Michael Douglas sliding back into the Pym family slots. And Evangeline Lily (with an atrocious hairdo, gross) returning as the love interest/sidekick.

Two problems:
1 - the story.  All that "big, little, big, tiny, other universe, crazy alien" stuff is too much. It gets muddled after a while. I will say that Star Wars could have used some of the alien creation here, rather than the raggedy ass muppets it relies on. The creatures were well rendered.
2 - Kang. That guy, whoever he is, was pretty awful. 

The film teased way more of him/it to come but if I had to guess, I'd say that will be one of those threads that will be dropped and forgotten as Marvel moves forward. They're already scrapping their entire planned M-She-U due to audience fatigue and indifference - although I feel confident they'll blame Trump and DeSantis for their failures.

That brings me to a point I made years ago when the media declared that the entire nation was "in love" with a racehorse as they bombarded us with stories about it.  In reality, few cared. They WANTED us to care. It's the same thing with this whole female/LGBRQ549+-% agenda Disney/Marvel decided to pursue. It wasn't what people actually wanted or would support. It was what a very small number of people decided that we wanted. And when it failed (spectacularly), those same people chose not to accept the reality, but affixed a series of "ism" and "phobe" tags to anyone who dared to think differently.

I don't think Antman Quadrophonic was a bad movie. It just didn't move the needle. And it had to throw in one little "socialism is a great idea, just look at the ants" line.  I know it performed poorly at the box office (not as poorly as crap like SheHulk and Eternals), and I expect it will probably just fade into anonymity over time.  It definitely didn't advance the Marvel story and if I had to guess, it will be the last time we see Antman in a lead role.   (Rudd is looking a little old, to be honest). I think their plan was to prop up the daughter as the next Ant hero - as part of that entire SheIron, SheHulk, LadyThor, ChickHawk, lineup they were trying to build -- but that will never work. It just won't. So pick an "ism" or "phobe" to tar me with and let's move on.