Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[Kaos]

Today we profile a pair of major missteps by successful comedians with lengthy careers.  Both of these films had solid supporting casts and the star power of the lead. Both are indicative of how the two main stars spent time wandering the desert of failure that could have left them in the dust of obscurity. Both of these films also make me think that the longevity of these two comedic actors is more due to fortunate casting in the right roles than it is to any transformative, great talent.

First, Steve Martin.

My Blue Heaven
Martin made a name for himself with the white-suited arrow-through-the-head skits on variety shows.  Cemented his status with appearances on Saturday Night Live. Moved on to film and gave us The Jerk ,Parenthood, Roxanne, Planes Trains, and Three Amigos (along with some other pretty massive turds like Pennies from Heaven and Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid).

In all honesty if you look at his career as a whole, most of what he's been involved in is pure un-funny shit. He's not Will Ferrell bad, but he's pretty awful in a lot of things.  Think the two abysmal Pink Panther reboots if you want a frame of reference.  Or think My Blue Heaven. 

How hysterical!  Nora Ephron was can't miss on the script. The guy who directed Steel Magnolias was at the helm.  In addition to Martin, you've got Joan Cusack (who was at the height of her limited hotness), Daniel Stern, Rick Moranis, Melanie Mayron, Bill Irwin, and William Hickey. And it's absolute garbage.

Martin plays a gangster turned federal witness. With a ridiculous pompadour and mannerisms/accent copied from his Wild and Crazy Guy schtick, he's completely unwatchable. Every second he's on the screen is cringe inducing. The rest is just a garbled mish-mash of idiotic nonsense with no redeeming value.


Which beings us to Tim Allen and ...

Crazy on the Outside
Allen has done some good work, mostly in television.  But he's also done good things with Santa Claus, Buzz Lightyear and was absolutely perfect for the part in Galaxy Quest, which remains one of the most underrated films in history.

And then there's this turd in the sandbox which clearly shows that when Allen is left to his own devices (he was fully in charge of this film as director) he can't carry the load.  This movie felt much more like a TV pilot that wasn't picked up than it did an actual movie.  It squandered Sigourney Weaver, Jeanne Tripplehorn, JK Simmons, Julie Bowen (at the peak of her hotness), Ray Liotta and Kelsey Grammer.  How is that even possible?  Watch and find out. Actually don't.  It's bad. 

It's nothing more than a series of failed attempts at humor, stale setups, unconvincing and rushed plot devices, abandoned story threads, and improbable events. 

Allen plays a "charming" ex-con, out of prison after a three-year stint for video piracy.  Every character in the film is a caricature and each has a trait that appears and disappears as needed for "comedic impact."  It's a jumbled mess of shit.  Weaver is a compulsive liar. Simmons is her horny husband (except the horniness is dropped mid-film and never re-visited), Tripplehorn (never liked her) is the probation officer who immediately falls head over ass for Allen. Bowen is his thought-to-be dead ex girlfriend (who is way too hot for him and 20 years younger on top of that) who is engaged to Frasier Crane (utterly wasted in this role).  Liotta is essentially a ridiculous version of Henry Hill - supposedly making billions pirating DVDs to the Chinese (something that Hollywood apparently thinks is a 'thing'). 

It's all unconvincing and dreadful, drained of any charm. Nothing about the film works.  Nothing.

-------

Saw these two films on the same day quite by coincidence. Just kind of reinforced to me how the film makes the actor and not vice versa in a lot of cases. Maybe most. 

[wesfau2]

I still love My Blue Heaven.

Tim Allen can pound sand.

[Kaos]

I still love My Blue Heaven.

Tim Allen can pound sand.

Wrong (as per usual). Dead wrong.

Steve Martin really doesn't have a great overall record.  My Blue Heaven is abysmal shit. 

Tim Allen?  National treasure for having the guts to stand up for his conservative values.  Not really a great actor, but Galaxy Quest is significantly better than everything Steve Martin ever did combined (with the lone exception of Planes, Trains and Automobiles which which was more John Hughes than him). 

[Kaos]

El Camino

I loved Breaking Bad (although I feel it got to almost parody by the end).  Still it was one of the greatest shows in the history of episodic television.  It somehow managed to glide to the end without completely crapping the bed (like Sopranos).  The end was fitting. While it provided closure, it also left some threads dangling -- and that was fine.

This month, creator Vince Gilligan added El Camino, essentially a two-hour coda to the end of a show that had already come tantalizingly close to perfection.

I have to admit, I enjoyed seeing the characters on screen again, but the reality is that this movie added absolutely nothing to the overall canon.  In truth, it just wasn't necessary.  It didn't break any new ground, really. 

The movie bounced around in time, enough so that it was occasionally disorienting. It added pieces that fleshed out events that had happened in the series -- none of which was really that illuminating or valuable.   It debunked one long-held theory (Walt is alive) and gave us an almost schmaltzy "happy ending" that wasn't true to the series at all. 

It was fun to see Mike, Badger, Skinny Pete, Jane and a few others for the fleeting moments they were on stage, but the payoff just wasn't there. 

Not a bad movie, but so utterly and completely unnecessary that it felt forced/fake.  Like some bad fan fiction or something.  I get that Aaron Paul has no other career path and that there may some day be an entire Jesse Pinkman series/film/whatever to keep him employed.  I just think in this case it was better left alone.  It provided "closure" I didn't want or need.

Over the past month or so maybe more, I've rewatched all of Breaking Bad. All of Better Call Saul. So I rewatched this too. 

It's like Saul in a way because I get lost in the timeline. People are older, heavier....different.... when they should be younger.  I know they did the best they could with it.

It's not a terrible movie. It's not a bad movie. I still don't know that it was necessary.  The biggest failure in my opinion is that it just doesn't have the same amazing attention to detail that both Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul do.  It doesn't paint from the same stunning palette of colors, quirky camera angles, odd points of view that those two other series wallow in. It didn't drop hints and breadcrumbs in odd places that somehow show up in the most unexpected ways. It was far more straightforward. 

Regardless of whether Jesse has a life outside the Breaking Bad universe - my original review didn't change much.  Unlike my feelings toward Better Call Saul which changed significantly.

[bgreene]

No Batman review yet, Kaos?

All 3 hours of it were a waste of time.

Review, done!

[wesfau2]

Dr. Strange in the Multiverse of Madness.

You can definitely tell that Sam Raimi directed this one: more horror/gore than your typical Marvel outing.

Lots of fun visual effects and a heavy dose of the Scarlet Witch.

Alternate universe Avengers were interesting and they (don't think this is a spoiler) set the stage for all the X-Men and Fantastic Four crossovers you could ever want.

Fun times, but not a very strong entry in the pantheon (though they do a Raimi-signature ending for Strange that I wonder if they'll carry through to the future Marvel movies and they introduce Charlize "Rowr" Theron at the end.)

[Kaos]

X

The search for the next great horror movie continues.  This isn't it. 

The buzz on this film was that it would take the whole horror genre in a new direction, etc. etc.  New! Fresh! Shocking!

It was, instead, a porn soaked, weiner riddled, occasionally funny, cringe loaded failure to connect. Written and directed by the same guy who wrote In A Valley of Violence - a weird, quirky, unusual semi-comedic western with John Travolta, Ethan Hawke, Tassia Farmiga and (hot as fuck) Karen Gillian. So he knows how to bring 'big stars' into a sprawling production. But like IAVOV, X doesn't quite land.

In the 70s a group of budding porn purveyors head to a rural farm in Texas to make a movie they hope will put them on the road to fortune and fame in the brand new x-rated home video market that's exploded in the crossover success of Debbie Does Dallas. 

The two-person film crew (a cameraman and his boom operator girlfriend - Jenny Ortega who is supposed to be somebody I guess?) are interested in making a work of erotic art. The sleazy executive producer (think Andy from WKRP mixed with a little Matthew McBongohey and a dash of Owen Wilson) and his barely-teen girlfriend (the lanky and loose is she ugly or is she potentially hot Mia Goth - who seems to have no eyebrows) and a couple of pals from a grungy strip club (Brittany Snow and a young, skinny Apollo Creed looking dude) just want to get to fuckin' so they can make money and get famous.

They rent a place way out in the country owned by a decrepit old geezer and his creepy wife. 

The production values are great. There are some occasionally funny scenes (just like in Valley), including one that helps drive the final nail of the final act.  The acting is good enough.  It has a fairly quality soundtrack with some songs you know. You can tell it's not supposed to be your typical straight-to-video B-level cookie cutter horror churn.

The problem is that it never rises above that bottom of the barrel dredge when it comes to the story.  Other than some repetitively gratuitous and overly long to the point of being boring porn scenes there's nothing new.  We've seen the creepy old farm family recluse trope done better in many other films -- Texas Chainsaw, House of 1000 Corpses, House of Wax, etc.  It's just stale. 

The movie was 80% cringey porn, 5% gore-horror, and 15% extraneous pointless rabbit holes that were barely explored.

The one thing the movie got right was the raw 70s feel. Goth, in particular, nailed it all - hair, makeup, dress and even the way she walked.  When she wasn't naked and writhing on top of the movie's buck, she walked around in a set of overall shorts with no top on underneath. The first girl I ever thought I loved used to wear those same overall shorts with baseball sleeves underneath all the time.  I will never ever forget her meeting me at the door when her parents were out of town wearing those overalls minus the sleeves. That image and the feeling that came with it is burned into my memory for all eternity. Sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life.  So thanks for bringing that back to the top of my mind at least. 

As for the rest of the film? Unless you just want to watch Snow and Goth fake-railed by faux Apollo for extended periods of time, you can skip this one. 

[Kaos]

Emergency

Three college roommates -- two black, one hispanic -- find a white girl drunkenly passed out on the floor of their apartment as they're preparing for a pre-spring break night of parties.

Call 911?  Yeah, no. Three brown guys and a drunken goldilocks?  That's a recipe for incarceration according to the more street-wise of the three. Better figure something else out. 

How the three handle the situation and try to get the girl somewhere she'll be safe and they'll avoid questions leads to a comedy of misunderstandings. 

But it's much more than that. This movie says more about the current state of race relations and how people perceive each other -- and says it with more impact and resonance -- than six months of bullshit CNN/msnbc babbling; than any angry, bellowing activist; than any blowhard politician; than any nonsensical rambling by Biden or cackling by Kalama; than any march or riot; than any BLM protest; than any race-baiting film.  It has more authenticity than all of that combined. 

It did it without stooping to caricature. It did it without tropes. It did it without hyperbole. It did it without beating the viewer over the head with the issue. It did it without characters spouting phony narratives just to make sure you saw it.  Even The Batman was guilty of that.  This film wasn't.  Every situation it addressed was done so in the natural course of events, in a way that was subtle and 'real' enough to lay the topic out there in a way that made sense. It didn't succumb to hysteria, offering valid arguments for various positions and perspectives both in word and action.

Beyond that, it's also a layered examination of the nature of friendship. It speaks to the entirely human inclination toward self-preservation and how sometimes we put that aside when we're needed, even if that means our own peril. 

I may be the only person on the planet who does, but I liked this movie.  I liked it a lot more than I expected to.  A lot more.

The rest of the cast is solid, but the guy playing Baby Sean -- RJ Cyler -- is fucking outstanding.  Every single second his character was on screen was real. I've known guys exactly like that, with the same mannerisms, the same patterns, all of it.  He did a really great job in that role.  I've never heard of him before, but if that's an indication of his ability?  Hope I do. 

[Kaos]

Monstrous

I find Christina Ricci oddly, weirdly, sexually attractive.  Not visually attractive, necessarily.  Sexually.  I don't know what it is, but it's just there.

So I watched this alleged horror movie. 

It allowed her to channel her quirkiness; the same cheerful insanity she exhibits in the funky-weird Showtime series Yellowjackets in which she's probably the best part. 

Other than that, this 'horror' movie has nothing to offer.  Muddled storyline? Disposable, uninteresting characters? Zero scares? Zero horror? A fraudulent ending that doesn't pay off? Confusion about motivation? All of that is piled to the metaphorical rafters. 

Unless you just want to take a look at Christina Ricci in some super cute 50's era strap shoes while she drives around in a beautiful vintage Chevy station wagon?  Passsssss hard on this one. 

[Kaos]

Hustle

*sigh*

1. Adam Sandler is a terrible actor.  He plays the same mumble-mouth schlub character whether he's trying (and failing miserably) to be funny or trying (and failing miserably) to be dramatic.  Here?  Same character. The only difference between this movie and all his others is that he didn't cast some woman he could never attain in any known universe (Kate Beckinsale, Jennifer Aniston, Salma Hayek, Bridgette Wilson, Paz Vega, Jessica Biel, Brooklyn Decker, Teresa Palmer, etc.).  Nope, in this one he cast Queen Latifah.  No chemistry whatsoever. 

2. This is a movie about the NBA.  Other than Shaq, Barkley, Kenny Smith, and Dr. J (and Dirk Novitzki's name), I didn't recognize any of the multitude of alleged 'stars' of the league that were in this film. Never heard of any of them.  Kind of shocking how completely disconnected from the NBA I am at this point.  Ask me to name 10 current NBA players on penalty of death and you might as well go ahead and kill the shit out of me.  I couldn't do it. 

3. Sandler's character did scream the name 'Lebron' once and after I found out after the fact, that the Chinese bought-and-sold double-stuffed moron was an 'executive producer' of this film I guess that's why.  If I'd known from the start that overhyped waste of flesh was involved in this project I would never, ever have watched it.  Fuck him and every word that comes out of his ignorant piece of shit mouth.  Fuck him. 

4. Story-wise, it wasn't necessarily awful.  Sandler's character, an NBA scout, discovers a hidden gem on a pick-up court in Spain and schemes to get him to the league.  The problem is that the acting is so wooden, the film is completely flat, totally lifeless, absolutely devoid of realistic emotion.  The only one in the film that even has a modicum of believability and presence is the kid who played at Georgia a year or two ago -- Anthony Edwards.  The rest are just stiffs. It took what could have been a good, compelling, moving, and inspirational film, interjected hack Sandler and a bunch NBA punks who can't act, and completely fucked it up.  Put anybody else -- literally anybody, even Nicolas Cage - in the lead role and you might have something. 

If you run across this film and consider watching it?  I advise you to do the one thing LeDumbass James would never consider..... pass.

I'll be glad when Sandler finally decides to give up his lengthy con game on the American populace.  There's a rumor that he purposely makes shitty movies just to see (and laugh) at how stupid we collectively are.  After seeing this, maybe the rumor is true. 

[Kaos]

Studio 666

Always liked Foo Fighters.  Dave Grohl seemed like a regular, relatable guy, the least likely star to rise out of the ashes of Kurt Cobain's tortured Nirvana.  Foo Fighters always made straightforward rock, never seemed pretentious and had a better and more enjoyable catalog than Nirvana in my opinion. Not ground-breaking or genre shattering, but quality. 

Their music videos were some of the more creative. Really good, self-effacing stuff.  Kind of gave the vibe that they were normal guys, a garage band that you'd enjoy hanging out with, one that would be just as comfortable playing your back yard bbq as they would doing a stadium tour. 

Given that I like their music and that they made some pretty amusing self-aware music videos, I figured their foray into horror/gore/comedy - Studio 666 couldn't be all bad and had potential.  The idea of mixing Foo music with Monkees-esque horror antics seemed like a promising concept.

Good lord.  It was bad.  So, so, so fucking bad.  Dave is funny in ten-second bursts in music videos.  He absolutely cannot act in the least.  The rest of the band is worse. Tossing in the worst SNL alum in history (Will Forte) and the overrated and unfunny as fuck Whitney Cummings (whose entire career apparently consists of being a whore) and you've done the film no favors. It was already shitty, those two made it even worse. Add career-ending-level performances from Leslie Grossman (American Horror Story 1984) and Jeff Garlin (who knows?) and a profane/worthless cameo by Lionel Ritchie and you've got a noxious stew that isn't horror, isn't humor.  It just lays there and stinks.

Basic story, such as it is... Foo Fighters rent a mansion to get the right sound to record their 10th album.  Mansion is haunted by the demonic souls of a band that never finished its satanic song.  I think.  Idiocy, bad acting and ill-conceived scenarios ensue, including one where Grohl literally cannibalizes one of his bandmates.  I don't know who thought it would be a great gag to show Dave snacking down on the steaming, bbq'd bones of his guitarist, but that person just doesn't get it. 

It's not fun. It's just cringe-inducingly bad at every turn.  Really horrible. 

[Kaos]

Dr. Strange in the Multiverse of Madness.

You can definitely tell that Sam Raimi directed this one: more horror/gore than your typical Marvel outing.

Lots of fun visual effects and a heavy dose of the Scarlet Witch.

Alternate universe Avengers were interesting and they (don't think this is a spoiler) set the stage for all the X-Men and Fantastic Four crossovers you could ever want.

Fun times, but not a very strong entry in the pantheon (though they do a Raimi-signature ending for Strange that I wonder if they'll carry through to the future Marvel movies and they introduce Charlize "Rowr" Theron at the end.)

Bloated pile of unintelligible garbage. 

Shark.  Jumped. 

Terrible movie. 

[Kaos]

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent
Other than Raising Arizona (one of the greatest movies of all time) and Valley Girl (perhaps the best of all 80s teen comedy/dramas) I don't think much of Nicolas Cage movies.  In even his best (according to others) films his overacting and spasmodic facial gyrations completely ruin the performance.

He's one of the worst.  For every tolerable The Rock or Con Air there are a dozen straight-to-DVD, filmed-in-Mobile crapfests. 

In this movie you've got the awful Cage and his heir apparent, Pedro Pascal, a TERRIBLE actor who for some reason yet known (perhaps he has photos of Hollywood execs fucking goats) has appeared in numerous films and performed dismally in all.  Two mugging, over-actors who spread feces on the screen with glee headlining the same movie! It would have to be one of the worst things ever, right? 

Actually no.  It's not great, but it's pretty good.  It was funny to see Cage lean into who and what he is and accept that he's not a very good actor.  It's funny to watch Pascal also accept that he's not very good either and just over-act and over-emote with no reservations. 

It's silly. It's stupid. It's not deep. It doesn't try to offer some woke or non-woke lesson.  It's just a couple of really bad actors showing just how stupid they and the business are. 

General synopsis:  Washed up Cage takes a gig as a birthday party guest because he's broke, spends too much money and blew an audition just by being himself. 

His host (Pascal) turns out to possibly be the head of an international drug cartel being hunted by the two most inept CIA agents in the universe.  Had to be joke casting with Ike Barinholtz and Tiffany Haddish in those roles.  Cage gets recruited by these two clowns to infiltrate the organization and help the agents solve a kidnapping. 

The remainder of the movie is just Pascal and Cage deciding to make a movie together which over the course of the film includes bonding, solving family issues, turning on each other, turning to each other and surviving the war between the cartel and the CIA. 

It's kind of amusing to hear them talk about 'what the movie needs' in terms of script -- like a psychedelic drug scene -- and then follow that by doing what they decided the script needs.  The paranoid LSD-laced drive into town is one of the funnier bits. 

It's pretty clear that Cage doesn't have a lot of reverence for the Hollywood process.  He addresses his spate of direct-to-the-toilet money-grab films and his career arc in general. 

Seeing it played out like this kind of makes me like him a little bit more.  It doesn't make the god-awful Mandy or the cringe-inducing Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans any better, but it does take the overall hate for him as an actor down a couple of notches.  The next time I watch something with him in it -- and he's terrible as usual -- I'll do so at least knowing that he knows just how bad he is too -- and he doesn't care.  That I can accept and even grudgingly admire.

[Kaos]

Morbius

So much potential.  So completely squandered. 

This is a bad movie.  It's not bad by Marvel standards (the studio to which it belongs), it's bad by any and every standard imaginable. 

Let's check all the boxes.

1. Stunt casting with actor who has already proven to be incapable of handling roles of this nature.  Jared Leto is atrocious.  Exceptionally poor casting choice.  Equally bad was Tyrese Gibson.
2. Ridiculous story.  Lots of stupidity on display.  Tons of unrealistic interactions and exchanges.  All the emotional depth of a mosquito bite.  The backstory doesn't fill in enough gaps, the current story lacks in plausibility.  What exposition there is, is non-sensical.  And nobody in the film has the gravitas to pull it off. 
3. Muddled motivations.  Why any of the characters behave as they do remains a mystery. 
4. A forced protagonist.  There's no logical explanation for the immediate "I'll kill you" hatred between Leto's paper-thin character and his friend/nemesis Milo (or whatever).  That guy was another awful, terrible choice. 
5. Blurry action sequences.  Want to hide what's going on?  Just make all the "action" a big swirl of loud noises. 
6. Jared Leto.  He fucking sucks.
7. Leto, Jared.  Fucking sucks, he does. 

This pile of purple shit had end credits scenes that drew Michael Keaton in and tried to make connections to Spiderman.  Best thing Marvel could do is pretend this never happened. 

It was bad.  Makes the excruciatingly bad Dr. Strange Muddled Up Madness movie look like high art in comparison. 

This movie SUCKS.   

[Kaos]

Last Night in Soho

I've wanted to watch this movie for a while and finally loaded it up last night.  I knew from the trailers that it was going to have a psychedelic 60s vibe merged with downtrodden 2020s grit.

It wasn't really what I expected.  It was somewhat more, somewhat less. 

Basic story:
Semi-psychic Ellie lives in the present but immerses herself in a past her mother loved -- 1960s London -- which also happens to be where her mom committed suicide when Ellie was seven.  She follows in her mom's footsteps and heads to London to pursue her dream of being a fashion designer.  She doesn't fit in with the other students and moves to a rooming house where she begins to have vivid dreams of a neon siren from the 60s.  Those dreams gradually take a dark turn and begin to intrude on her daytime life.  Eventually the visions/dreams help her unravel a mystery from that past - but not in the way she expects. 

Visually?  Very creative and engaging.  Anna Taylor-Joy?  Hot in a 60s way.  The girl playing Ellie?  Kinda annoying.  Everything else? Bullshit.

Why?

There were far too many underdeveloped, unexplored elements. Among the many, many doors opened but never truly explored were the psychic angle, what caused mom to go over the edge, and what granny was talking about when she says 'if it happens again.'  That's only a fraction of the side trails that needed to be fleshed out.  Motivations were suspect.

One of the lead bad guys was that same hatchet-faced asshole who sucked like a Dyson in the Morbius movie. Matt Smith or some such shit.  He looks like what would happen if that eagle-faced fuck from Criminal Minds had a baby with Max Headroom and Herman Munster.  Just awful. 

Ellie started out good but just got worse and worse. 

Ellie basically accuses some goofy ass black guy (in whom her character would have absolutely ZERO interest) of rape and then he's all concerned over her fate and rushes to help her.  Fuck that. 

This movie couldn't decide whether it wanted to be Inception, Austin Powers, Sinister, or Mean Girls.  So it did none of that well at all. 

Visually striking, but absolutely no substance.  Color me disappointed - in neon. 


EDIT:
The musical choices were really intriguing.  A strong infusion of 60s pop.  What was interesting to me was discovering songs I like that are actually covers of older songs.  Got My Mind Set On You, for one.   I had no idea George Harrison was covering an obscure 1963 song. There's Always Something There to Remind Me is another one. 



If I got nothing else from this movie, it was worth it for that to me.

[Kaos]

Ambulance

Take a dash of ER, swirl it around in a big bowl of Fast&Furious, toss in some CHiPs, and roll it around in some memories of OJ, swizzle a swirl of Speed and you’ve got Ambulance. 

Say what you want about Michael Bay but I like his movies.  He knows what he’s making and that’s what he makes.  Action. Explosions. Guns. Bombast.  You don’t have to think.  You don’t have to figure out the ending. His movies have an ending that you understand.  You don’t sit there when it’s over and go “what the hell was that.”  His films are popcorn. Pure adrenaline escapism. 

If you leave your brain at the door and try not to think too hard, this is a really enjoyable movie. 

Jake G gnaws on the scenery as an unhinged bank robber. The guy from Candyman is solid as his “brother”.  The EMT Eiza Gonzalez is stupidly hot. 

The film follows a botched bank robbery and an ambulance taken hostage as half of the city of LA is littered with crashed police cars, bullet casings and broken bodies. 

There’s even one great scene with a Christopher Cross song that doesn’t really fit but works. 

You aren’t going to learn anything.  But it’s a great waste of time. 

[The Six]

I enjoyed Ambulance for what it was.

[Kaos]

Dick Long is Dead
Ran across this accidentally. Didn't know much about it other than the description which says 'Alabama-born director' and small-town Alabama mystery.

I've seen so many elitist asshole takes on the South that I figured I'd give it a chance, hoping that for once someone who was a native would give a realistic interpretation of what life is like here without all the country-ass stereotypes. 

Colossal mistake. The director (shown below in what is, amazingly, one of his less-creepy pics) clearly hates his roots. This "i could suck a golf ball through a garden hose" looking asshole looks down on the South and its people. He wasn't born an elitist asshole, but he definitely identifies as one. He bent over backward to curry favor with the elite crowd by smearing the South with the same disdain a Cali or NYC filmmaker who's never been anywhere near here would.

Among the touchstone tropes this bucket of fucked-up fruit made sure he included:
- atrocious fake accents
- Christmas trees decorated with beer cans
- Rebel flags
- references to "Meth Mountain" (one of many trailer parks)
- all characters live either in a trailer or in a tract home with broken toys, disabled cars and trash in the front yard
- all characters drive beat to shit cars with mismatched body parts
- every character is dumb, particularly the idiot cops
- all characters constantly have a cooler close by with cold Pabst Blue Ribbon in it
- furniture is early 80s trailer park chic -- wooden couches with brown flowery velvet cushions
- dimly lit bar with men in cowboy hats, plaid shirts and suspenders danchin' wif girls to country music

Every single frame of this film reinforced one negative southern stereotype or another.  It was offensive.

- Spoiler -
I hope you won't waste your time with this shit, so I have no qualms about spoiling the "big surprise."  The 'mystery' is a pair of stereotyped southern bumpkins who try to cover up the death of their friend.  They're horse fuckers. The friend died when his asshole was pounded by a stallion (one that whinnied up an ejaculation, of course) and he bled out. Horse fuckers. 

"Hey, Lyd, it don't mean nothin'.  Me and the boys been doin thangs wif dat hoss since afore me and you even met."

Horse fuckers.

Here's the kicker.  This film is actually based on a true story.  As I was informed by an esteemed member of this exclusive club, the real-life event took place in one of the elite enclaves in the northwest. A man was actually fucked to death by a stallion; his asshole exploded by the big-dick pony.  Could this film have been set where it actually happened?  Of course, but who's going to believe that? 

Let's put it in the south! They down thar fuckin' horses, and cows, and goats, and hawgs and everthang! Hay, let's get that gay alabammer director!! He kin make it all authentic and shit. 



Fuck this guy.  Fuck this movie. 

[Kaos]

John and The Hole

Dexter Morgan and the younger, somewhat better looking Farmiga girl in a story of a family being trapped in a hole by the psycho son. 

I don't mind movies that make you think.  I don't mind movies that have a deeper meaning. I don't mind movies that don't rely on jump scares to build tension.

But this?  It was a slow boat to nowhere.  There was no basis in reality and maybe there wasn't supposed to be.  Who knows.

Extremely weird.   Nothing happened.  I didn't care.  I'm not sure what it meant, if it meant anything.

I think maybe it was supposed to say something about death and loneliness (because of the absurd and off-putting interjection of a completely different story/characters near the beginning and at the end.)  But I'm not sure of that. I'm sure I didn't give a damn. 

[GH2001]

Dick Long is Dead
Ran across this accidentally. Didn't know much about it other than the description which says 'Alabama-born director' and small-town Alabama mystery.

I've seen so many elitist asshole takes on the South that I figured I'd give it a chance, hoping that for once someone who was a native would give a realistic interpretation of what life is like here without all the country-ass stereotypes. 

Colossal mistake. The director (shown below in what is, amazingly, one of his less-creepy pics) clearly hates his roots. This "i could suck a golf ball through a garden hose" looking asshole looks down on the South and its people. He wasn't born an elitist asshole, but he definitely identifies as one. He bent over backward to curry favor with the elite crowd by smearing the South with the same disdain a Cali or NYC filmmaker who's never been anywhere near here would.

Among the touchstone tropes this bucket of fucked-up fruit made sure he included:
- atrocious fake accents
- Christmas trees decorated with beer cans
- Rebel flags
- references to "Meth Mountain" (one of many trailer parks)
- all characters live either in a trailer or in a tract home with broken toys, disabled cars and trash in the front yard
- all characters drive beat to shit cars with mismatched body parts
- every character is dumb, particularly the idiot cops
- all characters constantly have a cooler close by with cold Pabst Blue Ribbon in it
- furniture is early 80s trailer park chic -- wooden couches with brown flowery velvet cushions
- dimly lit bar with men in cowboy hats, plaid shirts and suspenders danchin' wif girls to country music

Every single frame of this film reinforced one negative southern stereotype or another.  It was offensive.

- Spoiler -
I hope you won't waste your time with this shit, so I have no qualms about spoiling the "big surprise."  The 'mystery' is a pair of stereotyped southern bumpkins who try to cover up the death of their friend.  They're horse fuckers. The friend died when his asshole was pounded by a stallion (one that whinnied up an ejaculation, of course) and he bled out. Horse fuckers. 

"Hey, Lyd, it don't mean nothin'.  Me and the boys been doin thangs wif dat hoss since afore me and you even met."

Horse fuckers.

Here's the kicker.  This film is actually based on a true story.  As I was informed by an esteemed member of this exclusive club, the real-life event took place in one of the elite enclaves in the northwest. A man was actually fucked to death by a stallion; his asshole exploded by the big-dick pony.  Could this film have been set where it actually happened?  Of course, but who's going to believe that? 

Let's put it in the south! They down thar fuckin' horses, and cows, and goats, and hawgs and everthang! Hay, let's get that gay alabammer director!! He kin make it all authentic and shit. 



Fuck this guy.  Fuck this movie.

That's weird part about Hollywood elites is they takes the bad stories about the south....and put them in the south. They also take the even worse stories NOT from the south....and still put them in the south. I guess it helps them sleep at night, or is just self affirmation. But at the end of the day, its self serving propaganda. Because you know.....every person here lives in a trailer and likes slavery and is cousins with their spouse. Yeah, lets repeat that tired old stereotype and see how good it sells. Ive met more rednecks and truly racist people from NY and Upper Michigan than I have from AL, and that's actually saying a lot.