Kaos' way behind movie reviews

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #2560 on:** January 29, 2018, 09:51:34 PM »

Quote from: bgreene on January 29, 2018, 05:08:06 PM

Has anyone else seen the movie Mother? I can say with all honesty that it was the worst movie I have EVER seen in my life. Nothing, and I mean nothing, made one bit of damn sense.

I'll see your Mother and raise you one Suburbicon. The most outrageously horrible film ever made.

bgreene · « **Reply #2561 on:** January 30, 2018, 08:09:37 AM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on January 29, 2018, 09:51:34 PM

I'll see your Mother and raise you one Suburbicon. The most outrageously horrible film ever made.

I can promise you that Mother is the worst of the two. 2001 Space Odyssey is a better movie

WiregrassTiger · « **Reply #2562 on:** January 30, 2018, 09:18:37 AM »

Quote from: bgreene on January 29, 2018, 05:08:06 PM

Has anyone else seen the movie Mother? I can say with all honesty that it was the worst movie I have EVER seen in my life. Nothing, and I mean nothing, made one bit of damn sense.

I have not. But I have called several posters on here a mother. On many occasions.

Mostly Wes and Chizzy. Of course, Token.

Just the ones that it actually applies to.

Kaos · « **Reply #2563 on:** February 03, 2018, 12:09:43 AM »

The Snowman

Michael Fassbender plays a drunken Oslo (Norway) detective with a history of drinking in this snow-bound slog. His character's name is Harry. Harry Hole. And that's all you need to know to rate this movie.

By the time the killer is revealed in this sullen slog through the slush, trust me, you won't give a single snowy damn.

The premise is so promising. A serial killer takes someone out on the first heavy snowfall of the year and leaves grim snowmen as his calling card. The cast is solid including Fassbender, J K Simmons (who is in damn near every movie these days, where does he find the time?), Rebecca Ferguson (who will recover from this debacle), Toby Jones, Chloe Sevigny and a fucked up looking Val Kilmer whose voice didn't even match what was happening on screen (clearly overdubbed and I don't know why). It was sad to see all that wasted in this god awful whiteout.

I can forgive a bad movie. I have a harder time forgiving a movie that obviously put a lot into production only to flub it up this badly. The herrings that were strewn throughout and, I suppose, put there to keep you guessing were idiotic and pointless. The Oslo Olympics side story was, again, pointless. The inclusion of Simmon's character (they all had stupid names like Artne Slovekkos and Deeter Beetlebrosk which made it even harder to follow) was an absolute waste and added nothing to the story at all. Kilmer's storyline was a dead end, even when his relation to the current situation was curtly broached and then essentially abandoned.

I'm telling you not to watch it, so it doesn't matter if I slightly spoil some of it. Toward the end, Fassbender comes up behind the killer who has this wire ratchet device around a woman's neck. Fassbender has a gun. The guy has a wire that requires him to spin a dial and click it slowly closed. Fassbender could emptied an entire clip into the guy's face, reloaded and emptied a second clip before he could have done any damage with his pissy little wire. But what does Fassbender do? Surrenders the gun.

The end of the killer is so stupid and nonsensical that it is completely laughable. Like a really bad joke.

None of the motivations for any of the characters are clearly explained. Why is fassbender such a drunk that he sleeps on the sidewalk when he has an apartment? Who gives a fleeing flap about any of the hideously ugly kids that are sprinkled here and there? What makes Fassbender's character a good detective? Was it his bleary eyes or his never-changing schlub wardrobe?

This was a bad movie, one of the worst I've seen in a while.

Kaos · « **Reply #2564 on:** February 04, 2018, 12:41:45 AM »

Happy Death Day
I didn't expect much from this movie. I was pleasantly surprised. Don't get me wrong, it's no cinematic classic, but it does what it does well enough to be entertaining.

The basic storyline is exactly as the trailers show: Birthday girl dies every day and then wakes back up where it all began to start the day over again. Yes. Groundhog Day but with a murder tossed in. The movie smartly even references its own ancestor toward the end.

Along the way this trifling little film offered some deeper observations about how a person might view his own life if given the chance to fix the little mistakes that plague our everyday relationships.

The central character, played by Jessica Rothe (who will soon star as Julie in the remake of one of my favorite 80s teen movies Valley Girl) does a pretty adequate job of displaying the appropriate emotions as she gradually transitions from self-absorbed sorority whore to a more selfless, honest, real person over the course of the same day on repeat. It's a pretty neat trick for a character you want to just die early on to bring you around to her side and even move you just a little with some contrived emotional scenes. Watching her grow from a miserable bitch to a reasonably happy person was well done.

The movie has a handful of amusing moments and keeps the identity of the true villain under wraps about as long as it possibly can.

Not a great movie. Had its flaws. But it was better than I expected. I'm glad I watched it. It's assloads better than The Snowman.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #2565 on:** February 04, 2018, 10:32:59 PM »

The ball-less wonder and a friend of mine had to promise our ladies a movie. Their pick. Long story but suffice it to say, we owed them. And boy did we pay. Forever My Girl was their choice. If any of you have been forced into a Nicolas Sparks flick, you get where I'm coming from. It wasn't a Sparks film but it may as well have been. Bottom line, it was a Hallmark Christmas movie on steroids.

Mildly entertaining. Even funny at times. A couple of moments where you, as a guy, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom so nobody will see you teared up. Damn renovations in the theater and sheetrock dust getting in your eyes.

Young couple about to get married. He gets a country recording contract just before the wedding and leaves her at the alter. Tours for 8 years and winds up back in small, Louisiana hometown, finding out he has a little girl. You take it from there.

The only positive thing I will say about this movie, is if your girl likes uterus flick love stories...you will get laid later that night if you suffer through it.

Thus ends the review.

CCTAU · « **Reply #2566 on:** February 05, 2018, 07:59:55 AM »

Quote from: CCTAU on January 20, 2018, 02:13:37 AM

Forever My Girl

Hallmark movie your wife forces you to spend money on!

This was already reviewed.
Welcome to the club!

GH2001 · « **Reply #2567 on:** February 05, 2018, 08:47:53 AM »

Quote from: CCTAU on February 05, 2018, 07:59:55 AM

This was already reviewed.
Welcome to the club!

Yeah. But he cried.

Kaos · « **Reply #2568 on:** February 05, 2018, 09:04:29 AM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on February 04, 2018, 10:32:59 PM

The ball-less wonder and a friend of mine had to promise our ladies a movie. Their pick. ...
The only positive thing I will say about this movie, is if your girl likes uterus flick love stories...you will get laid later that night if you suffer through it.

By the wife or the friend's wife?

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #2569 on:** February 05, 2018, 09:05:07 AM »

Quote from: GH2001 on February 05, 2018, 08:47:53 AM

Yeah. But he cried.

Did NOT!!! I told you how dusty it was with all those renovations going on. Just floating everywhere.

Buzz Killington · « **Reply #2570 on:** February 05, 2018, 09:08:42 AM »

Quote from: Kaos on February 05, 2018, 09:04:29 AM

By the wife or the friend's wife?

Yes

Kaos · « **Reply #2571 on:** February 07, 2018, 09:05:47 AM »

The New Daughter

Newly divorced Kevin Costner moves to isolated South Carolina mansion with his two children. The daughter finds an Indian burial mound and strange events follow.

It's an average thriller. There are some of those cringe worthy moments where you go "he'd never think, say, do, understand that." There's also some mumbo jumbo about ancient spirits and their need for a new queen and how that relates to an anthill or something. It was clunkily handled.

It was well-shot, acted well enough and despite a bevy of continuity errors at least tried to tell a coherent story.

Why did the guy move out in the boondocks because he got divorced? That was the original question that was never really answered. I think the director intended to tell a broader story but ran out of film/time.

I've seen worse, but there's no compelling reason to watch this movie unless you just really like Costner.

The Six · « **Reply #2572 on:** February 07, 2018, 01:22:22 PM »

Quote from: Kaos on February 07, 2018, 09:05:47 AM

...there's no compelling reason to watch this movie unless you just really like Costner.

Do...do these people exist?

Kaos · « **Reply #2573 on:** February 09, 2018, 11:17:37 PM »

The Guardian

Apparently it's Kevin Costner week.

I liked this movie a lot better when it was called An Officer and a Gentleman and Richard Gere played Ashton Kutcher. And when it was on land instead of water.

I've never minded movies that take inspiration from other movies. I'm less impressed when they recreate entire scenes just with different people.

This wasn't a bad movie, but I couldn't ever get involved because I kept thinking "I saw this in An Officer and a Gentleman..."

Kaos · « **Reply #2574 on:** February 12, 2018, 11:41:42 PM »

Blood Shed

Blood Shed. BloodShed. Bloodshed. Get it?

Too bad the writers and directors didn't. When you spend more time thinking up a clever name for you film than you do actually storyboarding it? Yeah, this is what you get. Muddled pile of smelly shit.

Stupid story with huge gaps that left too much unexplained. Terrible, horrible acting. Awful cinematography.

Apparently filmed with a 90s era VHS camcorder which had a microphone with a short in it.

Absolutely zero reason to recommend that anyone with a single functioning brain cell watch this movie. So Prowler, this is a good one for you. #trumpslam

Kaos · « **Reply #2575 on:** February 13, 2018, 10:25:56 PM »

The Ritual

Netflix made thriller/horror movie.

Four guys head off into the wilderness, decide to take a short-cut and end up in the crosshairs of a mysterious woods-creature.

Take Predator, add in a healthy dose of Deliverance (minus squeals) / Southern Comfort (minus cajuns), sprinkle in a splash of King Kong (minus the damsel) and stir it up with a smidge of The Village. Viola! You've got The Ritual.

Reasonably well acted. There's one pretty funny "Indiana Jones" moment. The movie did a passable job of conveying the helplessness and hopelessness of wandering lost through the woods but it held back just enough of the gore to keep it from reaching the true level of terror it could have.

It wanted to tell a bigger story about a man's quest to overcome his own historical demon but despite its best efforts, that ball was fumbled away.

Not a bad movie.

Kaos · « **Reply #2576 on:** March 02, 2018, 10:31:33 PM »

Game Night

Jason Bateman has a history of making movies that come pretty close to being really funny but end up sliding just short of the base. This is another in that vein.

Two hyper-competitive people meet during a trivia contest, fall for each other, continue their competitive ways with regular game nights until one night the games get out of hand.

Rachel McAdams plays the wife, some people we're supposed to semi-recognize (I guess) play the friends who participate in the frequent games. I think one was in New Girl. Kyle Friday Night Chandler shows up at the Bateman's overachieving brother with some secrets. Todd from Breaking Bad acts all weird. Then there's a welcome semi-cameo from a serial killer I very much miss. One of my favorites.

McAdams is sorta quirky cute, but she didn't bring much to the role here. Her best moment was a short-lived burst where she channeled Honey Bunny.

There are some ridiculously improbable events which are sort of par for the course for Bateman comedies. No amount of planning could actually bring the events together. Just not possible. The movie borrowed more than a litte from movies like Date Night -- which was a better movie (although less funny).

Still, there were some pretty amusing moments. One particular sequence with a squeaky toy was almost by itself worth the investment.

It's not the kind of movie you'll be talking about three weeks from now. It's not the kind of thing you'll want to watch again and again. But as a silly, harmless way to spend a little time, it's not that bad.

Kaos · « **Reply #2577 on:** March 11, 2018, 09:42:00 AM »

The Strangers: Prey at Night

I was going to try to write a review of this movie, but why?

It was just bad. It lacked authenticity. It failed to generate any tension. This was a fizzling dud of a horror film.

Cardboard people in which no emotional investment was generated made repetitively stupid decisions as they dealt with a trio of heartless killers who had an unrealistic/unbelievable knack for anticipating where the losers would go next so they could get there first and hide in the shadows. Just full of dumb.

The actors -- such as they were -- were B-movie at best.

Christina Hendricks has always let her boobs act for her and distract from the fact that she has no appreciable talent. Here, the boobs remain covered in a frumpy frock and her lack of ability is clearly exposed.

Bailee Madison, a child actress trying to make the leap into more grown up films, struggles and is annoying as bloody hell. I wanted the Strangers to take her out. I didn't much like her when she was a kid and I damn sure don't like her now. She's awful.

The dad looks like somebody I should know, but I don't know where from. He's completely forgettable and worthless.

The brother does a fair job. He gets the most interestingly filmed scene in the movie as he battles a stranger while a series of neon colors change the shadows on his face. The problem with that is that the scene actually shows how good the movie could have been if the same attention to detail was paid to the other hour and twenty-two minutes.

A film about a trio of stoic. masked oddballs who stalk a family for no apparent reason is a premise that has boundless potential. Unfortunately that potential is completely wasted here. It's a shame.

Kaos · « **Reply #2578 on:** March 14, 2018, 06:02:20 PM »

See No Evil 2

Kane as a somewhat immortal murderer raising hell in a morgue.

Danielle Harris, the Ginger Snaps werewolf and some other random people.

Terrible. The first was average. This -- despite squeal queen Harris -- crawled across the bottom of the barrel.

Stupid decisions made by stupid people, ridiculous coincidences. There are 500 rooms on multiple floors in this building but somehow this barely-functioning muscle-clogged dolt can get from chasing people to way ahead of them and also in the random room they pick down an entire hallway? Pffffttt. tsic, FX.... all of it was third rate at best.

Really lazy effort.

Godfather · « **Reply #2579 on:** March 15, 2018, 08:51:56 AM »

I would like to request a review of "The Belko Experiment"

Currently airing on Cinemax OD