Kaos' way behind movie reviews

wesfau2 · « **Reply #1820 on:** February 22, 2015, 09:57:58 AM »

Quote from: Kaos on February 16, 2015, 09:37:01 AM

Kingsman

From the director of the better-than-expected Kick Ass comes this combination of James Bond, Jason Bourne and Kill Bill. And it's really, really good. The movie knows where it owes its debts and even specifically references Bond and Bourne.

Not sure I've enjoyed a movie more in quite a while. Not that it's the best movie I've seen, but just that it was all well done and a good mix of silly and serious. Very good stuff.

Essential story is a street punk being recruited into an elite British secret service organization. Even though he's not the conventional selection, he proves his worth and ends up trying to save the world.

Some stunningly elaborate sequences of violence, a hamming-it-up Samuel L. Jackson, a girl with knives for legs, a shockingly old Luke Skywalker, some cute puppies and occasionally hard to understand accents all merged together to make a qualify film. it didn't waste time in distracting subplots, didn't follow the trite (and easy) path of trying to create a love story between the main character and one of his competitors. It just plowed along with the story from start to finish and didn't really waste a frame.

The humorous aspects of the movie were well placed, well executed and pretty clever.

Watch for a sweet little call back to Trading Places toward the end after mentioning the movie earlier in the film.

It took balls for the studio to release this movie on the same weekend that 50 Shits of Fuck came out. Any other weekend and I think this is the top grossing movie of the year (at least so far). We went to a Saturday night showing at 9:20. Yeah, both theaters showing 50 Fucks of Slut were full of greasy grinning men and their dates (reeking of the new perfume from Max Factor 'hoping I get laid'). But there weren't many empty seats in Kingsman either.

I hope a good movie like this doesn't get lost in the blizzard surrounding the 50 Dicks of Skeet. It deserves to be seen.

Totally agree. This was a really fun film.

Kaos · « **Reply #1821 on:** February 23, 2015, 08:30:09 AM »

When the Game Stands Tall

It wanted to be Friday Night Lights but picked the wrong source of inspiration. It tried to be Remember the Titans but forgot its soul.

This was an absolutely dreary movie filled with wooden performances and stilted dialogue.

Jim "Jesus" Caviezel was a major problem. He played the role with all the joy and animation of someone whose best friend had just died while carrying his dead puppy from his burning home. He was supposed to be this great coach who led his team to a record 150-something consecutive wins, but there was absolutely nothing in his drab, monotone, mumbling, flat, dead-eyed manner that would possibly inspire anyone to perform well on the field.

An even bigger problem with this wooden film was the team we were supposed to rally behind.

It's really hard to tug on my heartstrings when a team that doesn't play by the same rules as the ones against which it competes wins 150 straight and then "oh, the humanity!!" loses two games so they can rally to win their eleventy fourth consecutive state championship. Seriously. This is who I'm supposed to empathize with and cheer for? Fuck those clowns. I was hoping they'd lose and lose some more. When the rich get richer, particularly when the rich are skirting the rules to do so? Yeah, that's some inspiring shit right there.

De La Salle, the team in the film, is a private catholic school that pulls in players from all over the place to compete against teams that have to abide by area restrictions. So a kid can bus for an hour to De La Salle or he can go to the shitty inner city school he'd otherwise be assigned to. Not every kid who wants to carry the rock can go to De La. They pick and choose who gets in. Jesus makes sure to proclaim in his super dour voice that his school doesn't give scholarships. Maybe not, but they most definitely recruit. Is that cheating? Maybe not but the playing field certainly wasn't level.

That begs the question: Is the lead character a great coach or just a great recruiter getting by on talent alone. I think the answer is probably a little of the first and a lot of the second. Regardless, it made it difficult to cheer for a team that wins by taking an unfair advantage. It's a little like feeling sorry for Alabama and making an inspiring movie because they came back and beat West Virginia after losing to Auburn and Oklahoma to end 2013.

Another issue I had with the film is the superficial message that if you play really hard and play as a team, God will bless you with wins. I'm sure the coach is a good guy and may walk the walk while talking the talk but there are a whole lot of teams and players who are devout, who sacrifice, who pour their sweat and blood on the field and still get that ass beat on a regular basis. "A perfect effort" isn't what created a 150-game winning streak. Stacking your team with talent poached from your rivals probably had more to do with it than God blessing your practice routine.

This was an incredibly dull film that was not elevated in any way by the subject matter, by the lackluster performances of Jesus and Laura Dern or by the hokey, schmaltzy manner in which it was presented.

I wish I hadn't wasted time on this. And I hope De La Salle goes on a 160-game losing streak.

Kaos · « **Reply #1822 on:** March 01, 2015, 08:16:55 AM »

Lazarus Effect

Take an ounce of Pet Semetary, mix in two cups of Lucy, a dash of Firestarter and add six large slices of Flatliners and you've got this moderately lame horror film.

It had the chance to explore some really heady topics but devolved in the second half into a semi-hokey film we've seen a hundred times before.

Olivia Wilde does mean bitch pretty well, but once again the cardinal rule of horror -- PG13 equals a film that falls flat -- holds true.

Kaos · « **Reply #1823 on:** March 01, 2015, 08:20:56 AM »

Nightcrawler

Jake Gyllenhall is a weird looking fuck. Rene Russo has gotten really old. Anything else you need to know about this movie you saw in the trailers.

It's another one of those films that danced around the edges of being really good but in the end couldn't completely commit. There should have been some explanation for how Jake got to be the way he was. There were too many rabbit holes left unexplored and unexplained. Seriously, if you saw the trailer for this movie you could have written the rest yourself. Your version would be just as good or better than the final version you saw on screen.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #1824 on:** March 01, 2015, 09:44:21 AM »

Quote from: Kaos on March 01, 2015, 08:16:55 AM

Lazarus Effect

Take an ounce of Pet Semetary, mix in two cups of Lucy, a dash of Firestarter and add six large slices of Flatliners and you've got this moderately lame horror film.

It had the chance to explore some really heady topics but devolved in the second half into a semi-hokey film we've seen a hundred times before.

Olivia Wilde does mean bitch pretty well, but once again the cardinal rule of horror -- PG13 equals a film that falls flat -- holds true.

Took mini to this yesterday. Only because he bugged the crap out of me. Not a fan of the horror film. Do not like lights going off and things jumping out at you. It makes me scream like a little girl. That was what the entire second half of this movie devoted itself to.

Why don't we just get in that running car over there?

Are you crazy? Let's hide behind those chain saws.

Kaos · « **Reply #1825 on:** March 09, 2015, 06:40:35 PM »

Ouija

If a 14 year old girl was given a video camera and told to make a scary movie, the result would be similar to this.

There were so many plot holes and the story was so laughable that it became more fun to mock every aspect of the movie -- and we did loudly -- than it was to even try to understand it or be scared.

Among the problems

> Girl commits suicide, so all the parents in the town simultaneously take trips. Including the dead girl's parents who go on some sort of vacation the day of the death.

> During a session with the ouija board in the dead girl's house, a chair at the end of the table slides back for an unseen entity to park its ghostly ass. The assembled teens glance up, shrug it off and go back to the board. Right. I'm an old man. A chair moves like that? I'm knocking people down getting the fuck out of there.

> People start dying, so obviously going back to the ouija board is the only answer. None of the parents bother to return from their vacations as the friends of their teenage children start to drop like flies.

This was a terrible, terrible attempt at a horror movie.

There are few things in the world that spook me at all. An Ouija board is one of them. Once was at a party with people I did not know well who were using one of the damnable things. Five people at the table and I was an outright obnoxious skeptic. And a little bit drunk. So the girl who was running the thing challenged me to ask it five questions. The first four some of those people could maybe, possibly have guessed. Maybe. But the fifth one? Nobody knew that but me. Nobody. It was something nobody could have even guessed. And I didn't know any of those people who were playing the thing. But that cocksucking board spelled it out... bam bam bam bam bam. Letter by letter it answered the question. And it freaked me the fuck completely out. On my life, there was no way at all anybody sitting at that table could have known that answer. It was about somebody I had known years earlier, somebody none of them could have known. Somebody who had died. And I didn't even give that shitty board anything to go on but "my friend Sherry" No context of when I'd known her, no context of where. And it still got the answer that nobody could have guessed. It was even harder than that queen knowing fucking Rumplestiltskin's name. And it got it with ease. And that bitch who was driving the board smiled at me in this creepy ass predatory manner with her fucking shiny red lipstick and asked me "do you believe now?" Her eyes were all on fire. I wanted to fuck her so bad at that moment, I would have crawled across the table and taken her to the floor if I wasn't afraid she was some sort of succubus. But I digress.

Ouija boards are scary ass things. I've been waiting for somebody to take one on and do it justice. This movie didn't. It blew it.

AUJarhead · « **Reply #1826 on:** March 09, 2015, 09:46:34 PM »

Quote from: Kaos on March 09, 2015, 06:40:35 PM

Ouija boards are scary ass things. I've been waiting for somebody to take one on and do it justice. This movie didn't. It blew it.

I've got a story with one of those fucking things too, and I won't go near them.

The Prowler · « **Reply #1827 on:** March 09, 2015, 09:55:24 PM »

Interstellar:

Bring a pillow. It's the longest movie you'll ever see...ever. I've done the Lonesome Dove marathon and this movie felt longer.

It's a okay movie. Before you watch it, just make sure you don't have anything else to do for the entire day.

Kaos · « **Reply #1828 on:** March 10, 2015, 01:39:31 AM »

Quote from: AUJarhead on March 09, 2015, 09:46:34 PM

I've got a story with one of those fucking things too, and I won't go near them.

Yep. Like a ten-year old girl. I will run from the room if somebody breaks one of those things out. I won't have one in my house at all. Don't even try to bring one.

Saniflush · « **Reply #1829 on:** March 10, 2015, 07:05:18 AM »

Quote from: Kaos on March 10, 2015, 01:39:31 AM

Yep. Like a ten-year old girl. I will run from the room if somebody breaks one of those things out. I won't have one in my house at all. Don't even try to bring one.

Gonna put tomatoes on one and express ship.

Kaos · « **Reply #1830 on:** March 10, 2015, 10:01:35 AM »

Quote from: Saniflush on March 10, 2015, 07:05:18 AM

Gonna put tomatoes on one and express ship.

Maybe your best course would be to tread lightly.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #1831 on:** March 10, 2015, 02:13:19 PM »

An early heads up. They just announced the filming of Zoolander 2.

It's a walk-off.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #1832 on:** March 13, 2015, 10:59:41 PM »

Focus

Couldn't get in Cinderella or Sponge Bob tonight so we settled for Focus. Good flick. Very entertaining. Will Smith usually gives a solid and funny performance and this film was no exception. Smith plays the ultimate pick-pocket/con artist, one of the higher ups in a network of thieves. Movie centers around his serious love interest in Margot Robbie, a fellow con artist, and several scams with pretty cool twists and turns. Adrian Martinez has several appearances in the movie and without him, it would have been really average, He easily has 2-3 of the funniest moments in it. "No, you are a lesbian. Every other time you talk, I smell vagina".

Maybe not worth the $31.00 plunked down for 2 tix, small popcorn and a drink. But definitely worth a rental and a couple of hours of your time.

Kaos · « **Reply #1833 on:** March 18, 2015, 10:02:31 AM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on March 13, 2015, 10:59:41 PM

Focus

Couldn't get in Cinderella or Sponge Bob tonight so we settled for Focus. Good flick. Very entertaining. Will Smith usually gives a solid and funny performance and this film was no exception. Smith plays the ultimate pick-pocket/con artist, one of the higher ups in a network of thieves. Movie centers around his serious love interest in Margot Robbie, a fellow con artist, and several scams with pretty cool twists and turns. Adrian Martinez has several appearances in the movie and without him, it would have been really average, He easily has 2-3 of the funniest moments in it. "No, you are a lesbian. Every other time you talk, I smell vagina".

Maybe not worth the $31.00 plunked down for 2 tix, small popcorn and a drink. But definitely worth a rental and a couple of hours of your time.

Nope. Say what you will, but I don't want to watch 50-something year old black Fresh Prince make moves on 24-year old white Australian girl.

That's a fuck no, no, no, no, no, no, no HELL no. Not today, not forever.

Kaos · « **Reply #1834 on:** March 18, 2015, 10:10:16 AM »

Run All Night

Just call this A Non-Stop Walk Taken Among The Tombstones aka White Equalizer.

Cookie cutter movie where Neeson is the crusty baddest fuck on the planet taking out armies by himself.

Very formulaic. Neeson sleepwalked through it. Ed Harris debased himself.

Two actors who can do much better plodding through cliched mayhem just to make a paycheck. Neither looked like they enjoyed a moment of it.

I like Neeson, but this is getting old. He's had a long career and shown the ability to bring depth to a number of varied roles, but this late career action arc is limiting him to the point that people are going to forget how good he used to be.

Godfather · « **Reply #1835 on:** March 19, 2015, 10:07:33 AM »

Quote from: Kaos on March 18, 2015, 10:10:16 AM

Run All Night

Just call this A Non-Stop Walk Taken Among The Tombstones aka White Equalizer.

Cookie cutter movie where Neeson is the crusty baddest fuck on the planet taking out armies by himself.

Very formulaic. Neeson sleepwalked through it. Ed Harris debased himself.

Two actors who can do much better plodding through cliched mayhem just to make a paycheck. Neither looked like they enjoyed a moment of it.

I like Neeson, but this is getting old. He's had a long career and shown the ability to bring depth to a number of varied roles, but this late career action arc is limiting him to the point that people are going to forget how good he used to be.

HAven't seen the movie but agree, hell the trailer alone looked like Taken 4

bgreene · « **Reply #1836 on:** March 19, 2015, 10:20:46 AM »

Taken was a good movie, but aside from that, I can't think of a single movie that he has been in that was good. I'm not a fan of his. He is the same character in every single movie (recently), and he has a very Keanu voice (nevere changes).

GH2001 · « **Reply #1837 on:** March 19, 2015, 02:35:05 PM »

Quote from: Kaos on March 18, 2015, 10:10:16 AM

Run All Night

Just call this A Non-Stop Walk Taken Among The Tombstones aka White Equalizer.

Cookie cutter movie where Neeson is the crusty baddest fuck on the planet taking out armies by himself.

Very formulaic. Neeson sleepwalked through it. Ed Harris debased himself.

Two actors who can do much better plodding through cliched mayhem just to make a paycheck. Neither looked like they enjoyed a moment of it.

I like Neeson, but this is getting old. He's had a long career and shown the ability to bring depth to a number of varied roles, but this late career action arc is limiting him to the point that people are going to forget how good he used to be.

This. All of it.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #1838 on:** March 19, 2015, 03:03:57 PM »

Yeah, I honestly didn't know who the guy was until I saw Taken. Maybe I just didn't pay attention. But yeah, while I love a well done, "One man army" flick, this is getting to be like another Vin Diesel street racing movie.

Godfather · « **Reply #1839 on:** March 19, 2015, 03:10:04 PM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on March 19, 2015, 03:03:57 PM

Yeah, I honestly didn't know who the guy was until I saw Taken. Maybe I just didn't pay attention. But yeah, while I love a well done, "One man army" flick, this is getting to be like another Vin Diesel street racing movie.

Hey bitch... Vin Diesel and his car can solve all of the worlds problems.