Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[Saniflush]

We finally agree on something: Wayne is an overrated hack.

You shut your dirty whorish mouth.

[Snaggletiger]

We finally agree on something: Wayne is an overrated hack.

Your mouf.  It's dirty and whorish.

[AU_Tiger_2000]

We finally agree on something: Wayne is an overrated hack.

Marion Morrison was an incredible actor he just played one character, John Wayne.

I guess next your going to say that The Rock sucks.  Commie.

[GH2001]

Anyone see the original "Straw Dogs" from the 70's with Hoffman?

There is a remake coming out in a couple of weeks. Instead of Wales, it takes place in Southern Mississippi. Looks decent.

[Kaos]

Battle Los Angeles

Pleasantly surprised. 

I didn't expect much considering Independence Day and Skyline had come before it.  Pretty good movie, though.  Lots of explosions, lots of combat, no effort to use the aliens to represent some evil corporate empire or axis of evil.   

Just a straightforward documentation of one group's efforts to execute a mission and the complications that follow. 

It borrowed from Independence Day.  It borrowed from Blackhawk Down. It borrowed from We Were Soldiers. It borrowed from Alien and Predator.  But it pretty much only borrowed good parts. 

The confrontation between Staff Sgt Nantz and Lockett was a little contrived and tried to hard to be a tearful rallying point, but beyond that the performances in battle were solid throughout. 

There was no political posturing at all.  We didn't see or hear what the president or congress thought about it.  We just saw US soldiers hit the ground brawling.  That was a welcome change.

Soldiers using their own tenacity and training figured out a way to knock the invading bastards down, it didn't take some wacky, wonky scientist and his iPad to put a virus in their machine or drunk Cousin Eddie in a biplane.  Nope.  These military guys just figured out a way to kick ET ass.  I liked that.

There was a little too much "oooh RAH, we are the Auburn family and we never leave a game early marines and marines don't quit" bluster and some ham-fisted dialogue, but that's sort of expected in this kind of film.  It wasn't overbearing. 

In a way it was a lot like a first-person shooter game.  In fact if there is one I wouldn't mind trying to fight my way through LA or NY or Chicago to find the alien command center and call in an airstrike to light that bitch up.  Might be fun. 

There was no gut-wrenching drama, the directors didn't try to get us too personally involved in the outside lives of the soldiers.  We knew the basics -- enough to go "well damn" when one of them died -- but there was no huge 'let a taxi driver marry you before you go send emails to aliens' moment. 

I loved Independence Day when it first came out.  But as I look back on it, that was some cheesy silly shit.  This movie took it more seriously and at ground level. 

As I expected, reviewers savaged this movie.  I pretty much hate all of them.  They suck. 

[Kaos]

Insidious

Nothing new to see here.  Basically Poltergeist. Replace the creepy girl with a comatose boy, replace the creepy woman with a less creepy shrew and replace Craig T and sexy momma Jobeth with wooden Patrick Wilson and some no-tit drip and you've got Insidious. 

It went so far as to feature raw steak in a blatant nod to the vastly superior Polter.

Demons were not frightening. Lead demon was, in fact, laughably ridiculous.  It smeared lipstick on it's face to look pretty (something no one who watched the film understood without the Blu-Ray extras) and ended up looking like a drunk Darth Maul.  Idiotic and about as frightening as a meerkat. 

The story was goofy, the acting overboard.

The only startling moments in the film came when the music suddenly tamped from about a three volume to a 43.  Often there was no action to warrant the shreik. 

When a "horror" movie has to rely on a blaring soundtrack to startle it's an epic fail. 

[AUChizad]

I know K hates Will Ferrell, but I just saw Everything Must Go.

Loved it. As I've mentioned, I really like dry, dark comedies. I like when normally mainstream comedians do these types of flicks. Loved Punch Drunk Love, Dan in Real Life, etc. This was along those lines.

Ferrell did a surprisingly good job in this. Pretty big departure for him, but he pulled it off.

[Kaos]

Hereafter

Clint Eastwood directed and produced this film. 

I guess he's getting old and as all people who age eventually do, he's begun to contemplate his own passing.  What happens to Eastwood when the lights go out?  Is there something after death?

This meandering morose trip into nothing will have you wishing for death.  It's long, tedious and just flat out boring. 

Matt Damon (been on an accidental Damon kick it seems) is as completely dull as you could ever hope to make him.  The dead twins are lifeless (get it?  haha).  The French author is a snoozer. 

There's just nothing here. 

I kept waiting for the big denoument, for the moment that tied the disparate and disjointed stories together but it never delivered. 

Eastwood and Damon have done some great work separately.  This isn't one either will be remembered for.  If Clint was aiming to cement his legacy as a filmmaker he shouldn't have dished up this warmed over oatmeal mush. 

Boo.

[AUJarhead]

Battle Los Angeles

Pleasantly surprised. 

About how I felt.  Only thing I didn't like was at the ending, when the Marines didn't want to eat.  I've never known Marines to turn down chow.

[Saniflush]

About how I felt.  Only thing I didn't like was at the ending, when the Marines didn't want to eat.  I've never known Marines to turn down chow.

Yeah.  Calling bullshit on that one.

[Kaos]

127 Hours

Wanted to like it.  Didn't. 

Not a James Franco fan and he was barely adequate here.  Too much mugging. 

The music was absolutely horrific.  Completely inappropriate for the scenes and jarring.  Nails on a chalkboard bad.  The music would have ruined the movie on its own had the rest not fallen so flat on the promise. 

What happened to the two splash chicks?  Why have them in there at all if they played no part in the end?

Clemence Poesy (who I loved in In Bruges) was good but wasted. 

And the bullshit at the end about a "premonition?"  Kiss my premonited ass. 

Great story poorly done. 

[Kaos]

Contagion

Hang on, let me go wash my hands before I start this. 

Okay, a slow-moving and not quite satisfying tale of the life cycle of an epidemic. 

Hang on, need to go wash my hands again. 

Pretty well told in terms of what might be happening day to day, but some question marks remain.  If there was widespread panic who was keeping the power on and the cell phones running?  Who was paying the bill for months?

Give me a second, I'm going to wash my hands.  And stay away from me, okay?   I'm taking my own plastic forks to restaurants and I'll be bringing my own sterilized glass.  Don't pour me anything unless it comes directly from a bottle.  In fact, don't pour me anything at all.  And don't touch my credit card.  Or anything on my table.  No, I don't want to use your pen.  Quit breathing air around me. 

Viruses suck.  I don't want them.  If you've been to Hong Kong stay the fuck away from me.   

[Kaos]

Just Go With It

Why the fuck does Adam Sandler think he needs to star in his own movies?  Put almost anybody else in his role and you've got a pretty decent little movie.  But him? 

Let's list the things that didn't work:

1) Not buying for a second that he was a plastic surgeon. 
2) The chance of there being any attraction from Brooklyn Decker toward his peanut head ass is roughly negative infinity.  It wasn't realistic.  This continues a pattern where he pairs himself with people in movies he could never hope to sniff in real life: Kate Beckinsale, Salma Hayek, Teresa Palmer, Jessica Biel, Paz Vega, Drew Barrymore, Winona Ryder, Fairuza Balk, Julie Bowen, Bridgette Wilson, etc.  Not happening. 
3) Not buying the attraction between him and Jennifer Aniston. At all.
4) And he's dropping $18k a day for suites in Hawaii?  Yeah.  That's happening. 
5) Any scene he was in.  He fucking sucks. 

Aniston, however, looked pretty awesome.  Much better than she did in Horrible Bosses.  Probably one of her better roles. 

The boy child was good.  The girl child needed to be punched in the gullet. 

Brooklyn D -- meh.  Not hot enough to overcome her wooden acting. 

The schlump playing his friend?  Fuck that assbag.  I'd almost rather Jonah Hill have played that role and I hate me some Jonah Hill. 

Could have been a cute movie.  In Sandler's untalented hands it just fizzled out and went flat. 

[Kaos]

The Lion King: 3D

The 3D gimmick adds nothing to the movie other than some ViewMaster-ish depth.

No matter, it was a great experience to see this film in theaters again after 17 years.  If the only place your kids have seen this film is on DVD, it's worth the trip to see it again in all its glory. 

One of the best films I've ever seen.  The opening sequence is straight up magic. 

Long live the King. 

Fantastic movie.  Absolutely fantastic. (And I'd say that even if I didn't have kids to take).

I wish Disney would slow-release all of its classics from Jungle Book to Mulan to Pocahantas to Beauty and the Beast again in theaters.  I'd love to see them all again on the big screen. 

[Kaos]

Drive Angry

So wanted to loathe this movie.  Assumed it was a Fast and Furious  type load of testosterone with a brain-dead script and a plethora of clumsily delivered lines.  Plus it had Nicholas Cage, one of the worst actors in American history. 

Oddly enough I didn't hate it.  This is the kind of garbage Cage should do exclusively.  He was terrible but it didn't really matter. 

Basically a revenge story with some odd twists, it wasn't all that bad.  Some silly plot contrivances and the obligatory ham-fisted dialogue, but not so much that it destroyed the movie. 

If the director had used a little of Tarantino's visual style it would have fit in nicely with the Grindhouse/Machete series. 

It was at least as good as Machete and IMO, better than the Grindhouse with Kurt Russell.

On top of that, Amber Heard was so astonishingly, jaw-droppingly, mind-fuckingly hot that she transcended any flaws the film might have, including her here-and-gone accent. 

It didn't try to pretend to be something it wasn't, it just chewed scenery from start to finish while loading up a steady dose of rock and roll riffs.

The closing song "Alive" sounds a bit like Meatloaf (it isn't) and was written by Desmond Child.  Interesting guy, Desmond.  He collaborated with Paul Stanley to do "I Was Made for Loving You" "X In Sex" and "Heaven's On Fire" (among others) and worked with Bon Jovi to write "You Give Love a Bad Name" and "Livin' On a Prayer."   He also worked with Aerosmith, Meatloaf and Alice Cooper.  He wrote Ricky Martin's two biggest songs "La Vida Loca" and "She Bangs."  Recently wrote Katy Perry's "Vegas" song.  Just an aside that means nothing. 

Wanted to hate the movie.  Was fully prepared to hate it.  And didn't. 

[Vandy Vol]

Wanted to hate the movie.

[Snaggletiger]

I thought Just Go With It was funny as hell.  Look, you know going in that it's Adam Sandler and Jennifer Anniston.  Why expect Charlton Heston and Audrey Hepburn? It's just the usual stream of predicatble one liners and snappy comebacks.  I thought they did a good job with this one and the theater was rolling throughout.

Spy Kids 4 on the other hand....Had to take one for the team yesterday and take mini.  Holy schnitzkies, worst kids movie I believe I've ever seen.

[Saniflush]

I thought Just Go With It was funny as hell.  Look, you know going in that it's Adam Sandler and Jennifer Anniston.  Why expect Charlton Heston and Audrey Hepburn? It's just the usual stream of predicatble one liners and snappy comebacks.  I thought they did a good job with this one and the theater was rolling throughout.

You just like it cause you want to put it in her butt.

[Snaggletiger]

You just like it cause you want to put it in her butt.

Nice catch, Captain Obvious

[Kaos]

Post Grad

Alexis Bledel, Carol Burnett, Michael Keaton, Jane Lynch, J.K. Simmons (in a throwaway role), Fred Armisen (in essentially a cameo) and Craig Robinson (Darryl from The Office in another cameo basically). 

Girl graduates from college with big dreams, has trouble finding a job, ends up back with her nutty family where she discovers who she is and what's important to her. 

Netflix delivered this although it wasn't in my queue.  Thanks Netflix, I guess now that you're in your anaconda death throes you'll start fucking things up. 

Quirky movie held back by a frustrating mix of over the top hamming it up (Keaton and Burnett) and stiffly wooden, emotionless portrayals (Alexis and her wanna-be-beau Zach Gilford). 

Burnett's surgically altered face was a distraction.  She's fucking gross. 

Keaton, who was once a promising actor, just channeled a combination of Beetlejuice and Lindsay Lohan's dad from the Herbie movie.   

Lynch looks like a big bull dyke lesbian so the effort to pass her off as Keaton's wife interest was flatter than a flitter.

The story itself was okay, but it tried to meld too many movies all at once.  If it had focused on the retardo kid and his relationship to Keaton's character, fine.  If it had focused on Burnett's preoccupation with death, good. If it had developed a triangle between Alexis, Gilford and Mr. Brazil next door, cool.  If it had confined itself to her struggle to find her identity while searching for a job, awesome.  If it had decided to be a comedy, great. If it chose to tell a dramatic story of personal discovery, I'm there.  If it wanted to trifle with romance, I could deal.  But to try to horn all of that (and then some) into the same film?

It ended up doing none of it very well.  Too much of it was left partially baked and a lot wasn't cooked at all. 

If this film is Alexis Bledel's resume, she may get that job search experience she pretended to get here.  She's cute, but there are a ton of cute girls out there and a lot of them can act, too. 

I kept watching Alexis and wishing hard for Emma Stone, ya know?