Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[Kaos]

I have yet to make it past 15 minutes of this movie.  I have tried 3 times.

I powered through it on my fourth or fifth attempt.  I went to sleep the other times and had no idea what I'd watched or hadn't watched. 

The only reason I forced myself to complete it was because I was afraid I was too dumb to understand a highly intellectual movie. 

Amazingly I discovered today that this movie was nominated for several Oscars including one for Oldman. 

Apparently all you have to do to earn an Oscar nomination is walk slowly in a trenchcoat, peer through thick glasses and say almost nothing.   THAT was an Oscar-worthy performance? 

It won for screenplay.  This further entrenches Oscar as a stuffy fart.  BOOOOR-ing.
I was wrong.  I'm too shallow to enjoy a drab and dull affair. 

[Godfather]

I powered through it on my fourth or fifth attempt.  I went to sleep the other times and had no idea what I'd watched or hadn't watched. 

The only reason I forced myself to complete it was because I was afraid I was too dumb to understand a highly intellectual movie. 

I was wrong.  I'm too shallow to enjoy a drab and dull affair.

It's a shame because the premise appeals to me, the trailers made it look good and Gary Oldman is one of my favorite actors.

[GH2001]

I have yet to make it past 15 minutes of this movie.  I have tried 3 times.

Ive done the same thing with Super 8. Big letdown.

[Godfather]

Ive done the same thing with Super 8. Big letdown.

no.interest.at.all

[GH2001]

no.interest.at.all

Gave it a chance since it was Spielberg produced.

I shouldn't have. It's awful. Ive tried to watch it twice. Stopped it at 20 mins first time and 30 mins the second time.

[chinook]

I watched Bernie with Jack Black on a plane yesterday. Pleasantly surprised. I found myself laughing several times at some of the one liners in the movie. Jack Black, who usually gets on my nerves, played the part really well. I would recommend for anyone that grew up in the south, or specifically a small town in the south.

cool.  but did you memorize any movie quotes.

[Kaos]

Silent House

I have a passion for horror. 

Stephen King is my favorite author. When I was growing up The Exorcist scared the roaring piss out of me. The Omen left me horrified for months. Friday the 13th, Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street all fascinated me (until the sequels got silly).  I even embraced the premise of Saw at first.

So I'm always in search of the next great horror film. 

This isn't it. 

Trite story, big surprise reveal telegraphed.  It was so obvious I said that there's no way the directors would stoop to that cliche.  They stooped. 

The big story here is that the non-twin Olsen chick carries the entire film.  It's her movie entirely.  Not sure what she did to earn that right other than be an Olsen with actual boobs but it's hers all the way.  Rest of the cast really doesn't exist except in the periphery.

Speaking of boobs, her ample cleavage (although slightly odd) deserves an acting credit of its own.  It was front and center bathed in light for the entire movie.  I hope her tits got their SAG card. They certainly deserved it. 

Her boobs were so omnipresent I found myself distracted, watching their performance for a large portion of the film.  They were never exposed and only rarely nipply but they were just so there it was hard not to consider them.



Other than the starring role of cleavage there's no reason for anyone to see this movie.

[Kaos]

Bernie

Watched it because somebody here recommended it. 

Wasn't bad, had its moments.  Having grown up in a small Alabama town I knew almost all of the documentary-style observers.  I've met each and every one of them even though I've never seen any of those people before.

It wasn't what i expected.  I guess (based on the trailers) I thought I'd get more of a comedy and less of a live-action documentary with a mildly amusing moment here and there along the way. 

Definitely not for everybody.  Very oddball true story.

[Kaos]

Hit and Run

The trailers lie. 

This isn't a dreadlocked Bradley Cooper criminal romp.  He's really a minor player who is in only about 1/3 of the film and even then seems to not quite embrace the fill criminality of his character.  He doesn't have as much fun as he should with it. 

No this wasn't Cooper being Cooper, this was the Dax Shepard Show from start to finish.  Shepard who isn't nearly as endearing or funny as he obviously thinks he is, wrote, directed, edited, sold, promoted and most likely catered the film.  It's all about Dax. 

The dialogue between him and his real-life girlfriend Kristen Bell (who's hot but always seemed a little off in the eyes, like she might be mildly retarded) is sort of cute, not what you'd call hilarious and takes up the majority of the movie.  The thing is their back and forth banter, while cutesy and meant to show just how connected scraggly nasty ass Dax and Bell are in real life I guess, would have been just as well delivered while sitting around a campfire, lounging on the couch or sitting under a tree.

First, nobody with any sense is buying Kristen as a brilliant expert with a doctorate in conflict resolution.  And Dax is so low key and flat he just drifts through the movie without ever giving his role any teeth.  He's a bowl of whiny oatmeal. 

Word is he tried to get this film made and released for years and was only allowed to do so because the distributors wanted to capitalize on what fleeting popularity Bell and Cooper currently have, not because the movie was any good.

Tom Arnold was in far too many scenes as a one-joke failed federal marshall. The gay cop had too many improbable scenes and really just how far does his jurisdiction extend?  Speaking of odd plot contrivances how long does it take to travel 500 miles in a 700 hp car?  Do you really need three days?  Does it require stops at shady roadside motels?  Can't you do a 500 mile haul in about six hours?

Bell isn't endearing enough to bear the weight of the movie on her tiny shoulders.  If Dax was a tenth as cool as he believes himself to be he'd be a cool motherfucker.  He's not.  Not at all. He's a scruffy ass low-talker who brings no depth or range to his character at all.  He should really never be around a movie set again in any capacity.  He definitely dragged this film down. 

I'm sure in his mind he thought he was creating a new Raising Arizona, a wildly fun road trip romp and a brilliant character study.  Too bad the concept didn't deliver -- mainly from the tepid casting and the stupid decision to have him and his gf take the main roles. 

All that in the books it wasn't bad, I didn't hate it and it had a few random moments which showed that it might have had the potential to be pretty funny in more capable hands.  The movie just sort of drifted along and then it ended.  It was the equivalent of a serving of tasteless cardboard.

Dax may be good in 30 second increments but he sucks at being the lead in a movie.  I think that's why the trailers lied.  Nobody but his mother and Bell would go the movie if they knew it was his to carry. I guess he's hoping people will go to see Cooper and Bell and be amazed at his awesomeness.  He's wrong. Dax just doesn't have it.

Expect this movie to tank quickly.  There were only 4 people in the room where I watched this movie.  Strangely enough the movie about the kid who is also a tree was nearly full.   I can't imagine anybody wanting to watch parents plant their children in a garden, but who knows. 

[GH2001]

Hit and Run

The trailers lie. 

This isn't a dreadlocked Bradley Cooper criminal romp.  He's really a minor player who is in only about 1/3 of the film and even then seems to not quite embrace the fill criminality of his character.  He doesn't have as much fun as he should with it. 

No this wasn't Cooper being Cooper, this was the Dax Shepard Show from start to finish.  Shepard who isn't nearly as endearing or funny as he obviously thinks he is, wrote, directed, edited, sold, promoted and most likely catered the film.  It's all about Dax. 

The dialogue between him and his real-life girlfriend Kristen Bell (who's hot but always seemed a little off in the eyes, like she might be mildly retarded) is sort of cute, not what you'd call hilarious and takes up the majority of the movie.  The thing is their back and forth banter, while cutesy and meant to show just how connected scraggly nasty ass Dax and Bell are in real life I guess, would have been just as well delivered while sitting around a campfire, lounging on the couch or sitting under a tree.

First, nobody with any sense is buying Kristen as a brilliant expert with a doctorate in conflict resolution.  And Dax is so low key and flat he just drifts through the movie without ever giving his role any teeth.  He's a bowl of whiny oatmeal. 

Word is he tried to get this film made and released for years and was only allowed to do so because the distributors wanted to capitalize on what fleeting popularity Bell and Cooper currently have, not because the movie was any good.

Tom Arnold was in far too many scenes as a one-joke failed federal marshall. The gay cop had too many improbable scenes and really just how far does his jurisdiction extend?  Speaking of odd plot contrivances how long does it take to travel 500 miles in a 700 hp car?  Do you really need three days?  Does it require stops at shady roadside motels?  Can't you do a 500 mile haul in about six hours?

Bell isn't endearing enough to bear the weight of the movie on her tiny shoulders.  If Dax was a tenth as cool as he believes himself to be he'd be a cool motherfucker.  He's not.  Not at all. He's a scruffy ass low-talker who brings no depth or range to his character at all.  He should really never be around a movie set again in any capacity.  He definitely dragged this film down. 

I'm sure in his mind he thought he was creating a new Raising Arizona, a wildly fun road trip romp and a brilliant character study.  Too bad the concept didn't deliver -- mainly from the tepid casting and the stupid decision to have him and his gf take the main roles. 

All that in the books it wasn't bad, I didn't hate it and it had a few random moments which showed that it might have had the potential to be pretty funny in more capable hands.  The movie just sort of drifted along and then it ended.  It was the equivalent of a serving of tasteless cardboard.

Dax may be good in 30 second increments but he sucks at being the lead in a movie.  I think that's why the trailers lied.  Nobody but his mother and Bell would go the movie if they knew it was his to carry. I guess he's hoping people will go to see Cooper and Bell and be amazed at his awesomeness.  He's wrong. Dax just doesn't have it.

Expect this movie to tank quickly.  There were only 4 people in the room where I watched this movie.  Strangely enough the movie about the kid who is also a tree was nearly full.   I can't imagine anybody wanting to watch parents plant their children in a garden, but who knows.

Think about that for a minute. Teh wimmenz love Cooper. He sells tickets. That trailer was done like that on purpose.

[Kaos]

Tower Heist

Ben Stiller sucks. It's sad to see how far Eddie Murphy has fallen

This is a sad, only barely mildly amusing movie. 

The ending is stupid.  Boo.

[Kaos]

Lawless

Didn't move nearly as quickly as I hoped from the trailers. 

Lewis Stevens did a pretty decent job, but his accent wavered and was occasionally just plain damn terrible.  He couldn't keep it consistently which was a problem. 

Tom Hardy mumbled like a motherfucker and maybe it was supposed to convey that he was taciturn, but there were times it was just plain funny. 

Gary Oldman's role was inconsequential which was a real shame.

Guy Pearce's character was never fully fleshed out and his motivations were not always entirely clear. 

Several loose ends. 

All in all I liked the move, but I just kept waiting for it to catch a gear that it never quite caught.   Was a pretty good add on to Boardwalk Empire. 

[Kaos]

God Bless America

You saw pretty much the entire movie in the trailer. 

Other than the predictable left-wing Hollywood bias, the lead character basically summed up my entire feeling about the world we live in.  He did the things I think about almost every single day.

If I knew there were no eternal retribution and I was 75% sure I could get away with it, I'd leave bodies stacked like cordwood in my wake.  I'd kill hundreds a day probably.  And I'd do it for pretty much the same reason Frank did. 

His rant at the beginning to a co-worker and his televised rant at the end could have been lifted directly from things i think and say.  I hate American Idol.  I loathe the pandering we do to the lowest common denominator.  I weep for a society that has created and embraced abominations like Paul Finebaum, Lex and Terry, Toddler Tiaras,  Jersey Shore, Jerry Springer and all the other reality TV series that choke the airwaves. If punishment weren't an option I'd kill them all.

I really do think about 3/4 of the population of this country is too dumb to live.  They're definitely too dumb to vote, too dumb to be heard, too dumb to breed.

The movie was sort of okay.  It wasn't nearly the revenge fantasy it could potentially have been.  The score was intriguing.  The girl who played Roxy brought a marvelous sense of deranged energy to the film.  She singlehandedly kept it from sinking.  She was great. 

Could have been better, could have been worse. 

[Godfather]

God Bless America

You saw pretty much the entire movie in the trailer. 

Other than the predictable left-wing Hollywood bias, the lead character basically summed up my entire feeling about the world we live in.  He did the things I think about almost every single day.

If I knew there were no eternal retribution and I was 75% sure I could get away with it, I'd leave bodies stacked like cordwood in my wake.  I'd kill hundreds a day probably.  And I'd do it for pretty much the same reason Frank did. 

His rant at the beginning to a co-worker and his televised rant at the end could have been lifted directly from things i think and say.  I hate American Idol.  I loathe the pandering we do to the lowest common denominator.  I weep for a society that has created and embraced abominations like Paul Finebaum, Lex and Terry, Toddler Tiaras,  Jersey Shore, Jerry Springer and all the other reality TV series that choke the airwaves. If punishment weren't an option I'd kill them all.

I really do think about 3/4 of the population of this country is too dumb to live.  They're definitely too dumb to vote, too dumb to be heard, too dumb to breed.

The movie was sort of okay.  It wasn't nearly the revenge fantasy it could potentially have been.  The score was intriguing.  The girl who played Roxy brought a marvelous sense of deranged energy to the film.  She singlehandedly kept it from sinking.  She was great. 

Could have been better, could have been worse.

know who the director was?

[Kaos]

know who the director was?

Gkkkkkkkssssssshhhhhhhhh uhhhh ggggggNO. 

I heard it was some clown.

[Kaos]

Bad Girls from Valley High

Ever wake up in the middle of the night and find something on the TV that wasn't what you were watching when you fell over? 

That brings me to Bad Girls from Valley High. 

Woke up sometime around 3 a.m. to find this 2005 gem just starting up on HBO.  Was intrigued because I love me some Julie Benz and she's the star of this film.  The fact that she was 33 trying to pass for 17 didn't bother me at all.  I love me some Julie Benz.   (Actually I just discovered she was only 28 as the movie was filmed in 2000 and languished for five years before being bounced to the DVD bargain bin).

But back to Julie. I'd marry her tomorrow.



What intrigued me even more was the presence of Aaron Paul -- Jesse from Breaking Bad.  Here he played a super nebbish nerd.  And he overplayed it to the hilt.  He was really bad although I did get an unexpected laugh when he started a sentence with "Yo!"



I'll have to admit that I have no idea how this movie ended.  I might have watched 40 minutes or so before I fell back asleep.  But I saw enough. 

The story was a mish-mash of Heathers, Mean Girls and Jennifer's Body with a slap dash of half a dozen teen movies and/or teen movie parodies tossed in for good measure. 

It was dopey, it was vapid, it was tedious and it was moronic.  But watching Jesse act like Urkel and watching the woman who would be Rita (and how I miss her on Dexter) strut around in teenager's clothes provided its own cheap amusement. 

In one curious twist, the story featured a glum dude obsessing over his girlfriend's suicide (which was actually a murder).  The actor playing the sad-eyed boy was Jonathan Brandis (the kid from SeaQuest and the one who played a girl in Ladybugs).  The movie was filmed in 2000 and released in 2005.  In 2003 he hung himself to death.  So here he was in his last film role moping over a suicide and then he goes and offs himself before the movie gets released (if you count straight to DVD purgatory a release).  Weird.

Would I advise anyone in their right mind to watch it?  No, but it is worth maybe 15 minutes to see a little bit of Rita for Dexter fans or to catch Jesse the nerd for Breaking Bad fans at least.  HBO's got it two or three more times this month.  Set the DVR.

[The Six]

Where are you on the Paranormal Activity flicks?

[Kaos]

Where are you on the Paranormal Activity flicks?

They are terrible. I'd like to see her naked

[The Six]

They are terrible. I'd like to see her naked

A reason to watch part 4?

[Kaos]

A reason to watch part 4?

There will be no nudity.  Won't watch.