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Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s

Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« on: February 22, 2024, 05:48:59 PM »
I’d like to start it off by telling you all my pizza joke… but I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s just too cheesy.
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2024, 05:58:17 PM »
My wife gets so mad at how bad my sense of direction is. So finally, I had enough. I packed up my shit and right.
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2024, 07:10:18 PM »
My wife asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.  I said I didn’t know he did.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2024, 07:13:14 PM »
A nut named Hazel held up a bank saying, “Give me all the cashew have”.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2024, 07:27:21 PM »
When your severely overweight mother fell down the other day, I swear I didn’t laugh. The sidewalk sure cracked up though.
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2024, 09:45:51 PM »
 I have many jokes about unemployed people — sadly none of them work.
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2024, 11:20:53 PM »
I bought a wig today for only $1.00. 

It was a small price toupee.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

CCTAU

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2024, 11:56:54 PM »
Your mom!
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Five statements of WISDOM
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friends, is the beginning of the end of any nation.

Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #8 on: February 23, 2024, 06:19:41 AM »
Isn't it scary that doctors & lawyers call what they do "practice"?
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #9 on: February 23, 2024, 06:23:17 AM »
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

jmar

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #10 on: February 23, 2024, 09:44:25 AM »
My wife asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.  I said I didn’t know he did.
Right down your alley Snags. You've found your niche.
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Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #11 on: February 23, 2024, 10:05:03 AM »
Why do Norwegians put bar codes on their battleships?

So they can Scandinavian.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Buzz Killington

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #12 on: February 23, 2024, 11:01:12 AM »
Went out to eat the other night and the waitress asked if I wanna box for my leftovers. I said no, but I'll wrestle you for dessert.
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Now I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.

Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #13 on: February 23, 2024, 11:11:01 AM »
I threw away my toaster because it kept burning the bread.

I'm black toast intolerant.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #14 on: February 23, 2024, 12:13:55 PM »
After I bought a limousine, I realized I couldn't afford a driver.

All that money, and nothing to chauffeur it.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #15 on: February 23, 2024, 01:46:21 PM »
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines, but catscan.
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #16 on: February 23, 2024, 01:52:35 PM »
There were two bulls hiding in the tree line, spying on the cows in the field for a potential mate. It was a pretty serious steak out.
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #17 on: February 23, 2024, 02:11:36 PM »
My friend is obsessed with black birds.

He's a raven lunatic.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Kaos

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #18 on: February 23, 2024, 03:07:22 PM »
My wife divorced me because I couldn't stop imitating a flamingo.

I was pretty pissed when we got to court and the judge told me I didn't have a leg to stand on.
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If you want free cheese, look in a mousetrap.

Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #19 on: February 23, 2024, 05:41:57 PM »
You said you'd karaoke Whitesnake with me, but you lied, so....


Here I go again on my own.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."