Turdy Tacobolonga moves on

Kaos · « **on:** May 10, 2020, 08:26:39 AM »

May God bless and sanctify the glorious travels of the exalted Tacobalonga family as their too-brief time in Alabama comes to an end. In the so-short time we were graced with their magnificience they left a legacy that can never be duplicated. They were clearly the best of us, lei-loving gods who walking among mere mortals. How fortunate we are that they chose us.

https://www.al.com/alabamafootball/2020/05/taulia-tagovailoa-leaves-complicated-legacy-at-alabama.html

Such fawing jizz-coated treacle. Fuck a monkey. Some nuggets from the above cited poi-laced masturbation:

Taulia Tagovailoa wants to leave Alabama during the middle of a pandemic, so donâ€™t be surprised if a steady stream of cars begins rolling by his familyâ€™s home in Alabaster.

Honk for Taulia to stay.

This is Alabama, after all, and the Tagovailoas are royalty in this college football kingdom. Always will be.

Alabama coach Nick Saban could still convince Taulia to stay, of course, but the truth is people inside the program have been expecting the rising sophomore to leave for months now. Saban doesnâ€™t promise playing time or starting positions, and thatâ€™s something the Tagovailoas have always craved for their sons....

Moving from Hawaii to Alabama during high school wasnâ€™t easy for Taulia, but he thrived here and made it his home. If he is leaving Alabama for good, then it should be noted now that Taulia created an incredible Alabama legacy for himself beyond his brother. Thatâ€™s something he will always have, and his connection to the state stands on its own.

Iâ€™ll never forget being on the sidelines for the epic high school playoff game between Tauliaâ€™s Thompson and Paul Tysonâ€™s Hewitt-Trussville. Nationally televised, the showdown at Thompson landed on an off week before Alabama-LSU, so Tua was there and so was LSU coach Ed Oregon. Taulia led a four-touchdown rally and finished the game with over 400 yards of total offense. He had two passing touchdowns and three rushing.

Thompson won 63-49, scoring all of its points after the first quarter. All wearing celebratory floral Hawaiian leis, the Tagovailoa family posed for a heart-touching photo on the field after the game. It was a purely Alabama moment on a magical Alabama night.

With the Tagovailoas, itâ€™s always a family affair, so no one can fault them now for doing what they feel is best for their second son. Everyone in the state should be rooting him on, and hoping for his success.

All siblings who grow up playing team sports dream about suiting up together. Whether or not Taulia ever fell in love with the Crimson Tide, he always loved his brother. He had the chance to play college football with Tua, and now thatâ€™s something theyâ€™ll have together for the rest of their lives.

But itâ€™s hard being a kid brother. Itâ€™s impossible to be Tuaâ€™s at Alabama if youâ€™re a quarterback.

Fuck these clowns. Tupperware Tinkercumtoy was never that good to begin with, something the idiot Miami Dolphins are about to discover. His brother was worse. Fuck them and their Hawaiian shit. See ya. Six months from now I won't remember anything about you.

The Six · « **Reply #1 on:** May 10, 2020, 04:24:07 PM »

Buzz Killington · « **Reply #2 on:** May 11, 2020, 10:09:22 AM »

Quote from: The Six on May 10, 2020, 04:24:07 PM

Who?

How dare you besmirch the name of the Tubaloompas!

GH2001 · « **Reply #3 on:** May 12, 2020, 09:34:08 AM »

But what happened in that next game after the one against Trussville - his last HS Game? Oh, I know. He looked like an avg QB. I couldn't believe Bama even extended him a scholly. He was never an SEC or Bama caliber player....ever.

The Six · « **Reply #4 on:** May 12, 2020, 09:42:10 AM »

OP says his brother wasn't any good, basically a bum. Most popular jersey in the league now. I'm sure that's just a fluke.

Look, I hate the dude because he played on the team I hate and whipped the hell out of us the one time we played him, but to deny what he did (yes, with amazing talent around him) is asinine.

wesfau2 · « **Reply #5 on:** May 12, 2020, 10:08:11 AM »

Quote from: The Six on May 12, 2020, 09:42:10 AM

OP says his brother wasn't any good, basically a bum. Most popular jersey in the league now. I'm sure that's just a fluke.

Look, I hate the dude because he played on the team I hate and whipped the hell out of us the one time we played him, but to deny what he did (yes, with amazing talent around him) is asinine.

I'm in camp asinine, I suppose.

Dude is going to set an INT record or get snapped in half when his 7 yard cushions aren't there.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #6 on:** May 12, 2020, 10:31:10 AM »

Quote from: wesfau2 on May 12, 2020, 10:08:11 AM

I'm in camp asinine, I suppose.

Dude is going to set an INT record or get snapped in half when his 7 yard cushions aren't there.

I have no idea how the guy will do at the next level. I'm normally wrong 452/515ths of the time when trying to predict. By all accounts, he looks really accurate, cushion or not. I say that because half the time, Mr. Nix couldn't hit someone 10 yards away. But yes, that's the fastest group of receivers I've ever seen and if you're even somewhat of an accurate passer, you can look a helluva lot better than you really are. Where I think he was "overrated" was on the deep balls. I can't count the times he threw into what looked like great coverage, only to have one of those pass catchers go up and take it away. Did it against us several times.

The one thing I think just about everyone agrees on is not if, but when he'll be carted off the field.

Buzz Killington · « **Reply #7 on:** May 12, 2020, 10:31:47 AM »

Quote from: GH2001 on May 12, 2020, 09:34:08 AM

But what happened in that next game after the one against Trussville - his last HS Game? Oh, I know. He looked like an avg QB. I couldn't believe Bama even extended him a scholly. He was never an SEC or Bama caliber player....ever.

#huskyfast

Kaos · « **Reply #8 on:** May 12, 2020, 11:36:35 AM »

Quote from: The Six on May 12, 2020, 09:42:10 AM

OP says his brother wasn't any good, basically a bum. Most popular jersey in the league now. I'm sure that's just a fluke.

Look, I hate the dude because he played on the team I hate and whipped the hell out of us the one time we played him, but to deny what he did (yes, with amazing talent around him) is asinine.

He didn't DO shit. That's what you're failing to see. Just because every redneck fuck in the state of Alabama rushed out to buy their Tooer Miamuh Jerzeey doesn't mean DICK, SHIT, SPIT or FUCK in terms of how good he is, was or will be.

I'm not going to repost the statistics for you because my give a shit meter is running low.

But.... if you want to go look, chech the yards his passes traveled in the air (exceedingly low) versus the the YAC numbers (ridiculously high). So many of his "throws" were under seven yards that it's staggering.

And if you REALLY want to see something, go compare his numbers against teams WITH a pulse (the single lone exception in his ENTIRE fucking FABRICATED career was the Auburn game) against his stats versus teams that had no pulse (95% of the opposition) and he was a lower-tier QB. He was average -- at best.

Oh, he racked up some impressive fucking numbers against Northeastern Southwestern Southern Coastal Tech with the receivers and line those cheating fucks had.

Jesus Christ, man. Mack Jones (who couldn't start anywhere in the SEC except Arkansas) looked like Joe Tom Rothlisberger Brady Murray against Auburn with that supporting cast.

Tuber Tonybanana isn't even Dak fucking Prescott level. The Miami Dolphins took their own dicks and jammed themselves ferociously in their own red asses taking that clown.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #9 on:** May 12, 2020, 11:43:37 AM »

I want this thread to keep going just to see the names K comes up with for Tooer.

wesfau2 · « **Reply #10 on:** May 12, 2020, 12:16:55 PM »

Quote from: Kaos on May 12, 2020, 11:36:35 AM

He didn't DO shit. That's what you're failing to see. Just because every redneck fuck in the state of Alabama rushed out to buy their Tooer Miamuh Jerzeey doesn't mean DICK, SHIT, SPIT or FUCK in terms of how good he is, was or will be.

I'm not going to repost the statistics for you because my give a shit meter is running low.

But.... if you want to go look, chech the yards his passes traveled in the air (exceedingly low) versus the the YAC numbers (ridiculously high). So many of his "throws" were under seven yards that it's staggering.

And if you REALLY want to see something, go compare his numbers against teams WITH a pulse (the single lone exception in his ENTIRE fucking FABRICATED career was the Auburn game) against his stats versus teams that had no pulse (95% of the opposition) and he was a lower-tier QB. He was average -- at best.

Oh, he racked up some impressive fucking numbers against Northeastern Southwestern Southern Coastal Tech with the receivers and line those cheating fucks had.

Jesus Christ, man. Mack Jones (who couldn't start anywhere in the SEC except Arkansas) looked like Joe Tom Rothlisberger Brady Murray against Auburn with that supporting cast.

Tuber Tonybanana isn't even Dak fucking Prescott level. The Miami Dolphins took their own dicks and jammed themselves ferociously in their own red asses taking that clown.

Get that man the Tylenol.

The Six · « **Reply #11 on:** May 12, 2020, 12:45:20 PM »

Just so I'm clear, throwing 87 TDs in a career equates to "didn't do shit."

Asinine.

Kaos · « **Reply #12 on:** May 12, 2020, 01:55:36 PM »

Quote from: The Six on May 12, 2020, 12:45:20 PM

Just so I'm clear, throwing 87 TDs in a career equates to "didn't do shit."

Asinine.

If you want to lick his pineapple-flavored dick juice, by all means, go right ahead.

I'll pass. I might as well, because that Teefus fuck can't. Not much beyond three yards, that is.

Let's look at his last season.

Four TDs vs Duke!!! Ohhhhh. Mag-fucking-nificent.
Three vs. New Mexico State!!!! Give him the Heisman!!
Five vs. South Carolina and Southern By God Miss!!!1!!!!! Oh holy hell, give him the Nobel Prize!
Zero against Tennessee. Doesn't count.
Six against Ole Miss!!!!! Heisman, Nobel AND Pulitzer.

Not a single one of those teams was worth piss in a pan.

Here's something for you:
The Alabama quarterback has seen 72 percent of his passing yards come after the catch this season, which is the highest percentage in the nation.

also:

Against South Carolina alone, Palazzolo reports 82 percent of the yardage Tagovailoa racked up came after the initial point his receivers caught the football.

Go back. Jerk off into a roast pig and watch some of his "highlights." He's throwing to guys with three and four-yard separations. Every receiver he has is fucking open. That has nothing to do with him. And he's STILL consistently dumping it off in three-yard intervals despite having people running virtually alone down both sidelines and across the middle of the field on almost every play. Never seen anything like it and it has zero to do with him. He had one extremely fortunate half, puffed up his stats against a succession of corpses and shattered like bubble glass multiple times. That's it.

I hate them more than probably anybody on the planet, but the talent they've accrued at receiver is outrageous. A dead monkey could throw for 1000 yards just by having somebody step on its decaying body and let its decompsition gases fling the ball in the air on every play.

I've never seen you throw a football, but if you can take a three step drop, have NO pressure because you're playing a junior high team to begin with, and you've got two guys with five or six yard cushions? YOU could throw a couple of TDs a game. I know I damn sure could.

His brother is worse. If the state media wasn't bending over backward to lick the Tangaboologa balls, nobody ever would have heard of him. Unjustly rewarded. Unjust. BTW, if you've never seen anyone do a reverse handstand to nuzzle balls, I suggest you make that a request. Put it on your list anyway.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #13 on:** May 12, 2020, 02:33:18 PM »

Quote from: Kaos on May 12, 2020, 01:55:36 PM

Go back. Jerk off into a roast pig and watch some of his "highlights." He's throwing to guys with three and four-yard separations. Every receiver he has is fucking open. That has nothing to do with him. And he's STILL consistently dumping it off in three-yard intervals despite having people running virtually alone down both sidelines and across the middle of the field on almost every play.

Fuck sake, man. You know nothing about football. Can't you see that he's "throwing his receivers open"? He's pinpointing every single throw through a window his receivers have to run to. Without his magnificence, it would look like a Chinese fire drill.

Wait, can you say Chinese fire drill?

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #14 on:** May 12, 2020, 02:41:54 PM »

Two'er signs.

The quarterback has agreed to terms with Miami on his rookie contract, NFL Network Insider Ian Rapoport reported Monday. The contract is a four-year deal worth $30.28 million and includes a fifth-year option and a signing bonus of $19.6 million. The pact is fully guaranteed.

Quick question. I always see language in these articles that says, "...which includes a (Insert millions) signing bonus." One article I saw said Tonguvaloompa will make a base salary of $610K. So, is the $19.6 figured into the $30.28 million, or is that in addition to what amounts to almost $8 million a year.

The Six · « **Reply #15 on:** May 12, 2020, 04:13:12 PM »

"Zero against Tennessee."

Didn't play against Tennessee due to injury. But the previous year he dropped 306 and 4 TDs on those creamsicle assholes.

Facts don't care about your feelings, dear. Let it go. This guy have moved on and you should as well.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #16 on:** May 12, 2020, 04:25:17 PM »

Buzz Killington · « **Reply #17 on:** May 12, 2020, 04:28:38 PM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on May 12, 2020, 02:33:18 PM

fudge sake, man. You know nothing about football. Can't you see that he's "throwing his receivers open"? He's pinpointing every single throw through a window his receivers have to run to. Without his magnificence, it would look like a Chinese fire drill.

Wait, can you say Chinese fire drill?

Kaos · « **Reply #18 on:** May 12, 2020, 07:22:17 PM »

Quote from: The Six on May 12, 2020, 04:13:12 PM

"Zero against Tennessee."

Didn't play against Tennessee due to injury. But the previous year he dropped 306 and 4 TDs on those creamsicle assholes.

Facts don't care about your feelings, dear. Let it go. This guy have moved on and you should as well.

I give you the real facts. I gave you percentages. Numbers. You know, real things. You wax poetic about dicks jammed in cupcake icing.

The Six · « **Reply #19 on:** May 13, 2020, 07:29:26 AM »

Quote from: Kaos on May 12, 2020, 07:22:17 PM

I give you the real facts. I gave you percentages. Numbers. You know, real things. You wax poetic about richards jammed in cupcake icing.

Replied with facts which, just like yours, were cherry-picked from the stats history. This by far the weirdest take hill you've died on this board for. Dinging a QB for YAC is seriously short-sighted.

Is Tua the GOAT? Hell no! Is he Clint Mosley from Hawaii as you assert? Hell no either. Dude was good, fit their system, super accurate in that 5-15 range, was a key cog of their retooled offensive machinery for a couple years. Deep ball lacks something to be desired. Fragile as Tiffany glass. All of those things are true at the same time.