BOREDBOREDBOREDBORED...

[Tiger Wench]

What the hell do you people DO in this hick state for entertainment?  I am reduced to self-medicating with a nice cool Pinot Grigio this fine Friday night.

I had a rude reminder today about the species known as Americanus Redneckus Alabamius... I had to go to WAL MART.  Yeah, I know, I hate that place, but in loverley Wetumpka, that's about your only choice for damn near anything you might need since you left all your worldly belongings in Texas when you evacuated because the fucking airlines wouldn't let you bring a damn bottle of mousse on the fucking plane because I might try to use it in a terroristic manner on the flight - "This plane is going to Vegas or this flight attendant's hair will look PRESENTABLE!!! ALLAH AKBAR, BITCHES!!!!!" 

So anyhoo... I had to go to fucking WALMART - henceforth known as the Fifth Layer of Hell or FLH - and the minute I entered, I felt my IQ begin to drop.  My sister and I (see, even semi-drunk I am grammatically correct...) were the only people in the FLH with all our teeth and without a tatoo, including the other women and their multiple children.  We were bathed and had employed proper grooming habits, which made us stand out even more. 

Yee gads, I realize that Texas may be the Wild West with guns and an express lane on Death Row, but holy shit... nobody does redneck like bammer.  I mean NOBODY.

In addition to the semi-automatic can of mousse, I also bought an Auburn chair for the tailgate... and an Auburn coozy and an Auburn cooler, all of which I expect to fall apart after only one use because they were purchased in the FLH - but I bought them because (1) you can't buy that shit in Texas, (2) Carl was not with me (3) I was bored  traumatized from my experiences flying for two hours with two kids under age 5 and (4) I wanted it, gawddammit, and I will just pay for it with dat FEMA check I am expecting any day now, since I bees a refugee and all dat.  Where my free cheese and diapers, mothafucker?  Where my voucher?  Yo, bitch, I need me some free shit or I gonna call Jesse Jackson!!!

You bitches are totally looking forward to seeing me at the tailgate, aren't you?  I mean, totally. 

Totally...

 

[The Prowler]

I'd watched the USF/Kansas game....Fuckin' Hella game.  Da Bulls with a Last second FG for the win.  After that I've been watching the Hurricane coverage and watching these poor weather guys and one girl being blown to the ground from the wind gusts.  This Hurricane is one of the Strongest Catagory 2 EVER....I'd given it, Atleast, 4 Grillz. 

This Weather guy in Houston measured a wind gust OVER 105, before he got out of the wind, because it got a Lot worse than what he was standing in....And, this was 2 1/2 hours before the outer band of the eye, that's the highest wind gusts of the Hurricane.

One of the Weather guys in Beaumont was talking about the power outtage and how bad it was getting, then a man Streaked past the camera, he then came back and ran around in a circle behind the Weather guy....Fuckin' Hilarious.

I'm still watching the Weather Channel.

[Jumbo]

I'd watched the USF/Kansas game....Fuckin' Hella game.  Da Bulls with a Last second FG for the win.  After that I've been watching the Hurricane coverage and watching these poor weather guys and one girl being blown to the ground from the wind gusts.  This Hurricane is one of the Strongest Catagory 2 EVER....I'd given it, Atleast, 4 Grillz. 

This Weather guy in Houston measured a wind gust OVER 105, before he got out of the wind, because it got a Lot worse than what he was standing in....And, this was 2 1/2 hours before the outer band of the eye, that's the highest wind gusts of the Hurricane.

One of the Weather guys in Beaumont was talking about the power outtage and how bad it was getting, then a man Streaked past the camera, he then came back and ran around in a circle behind the Weather guy....Fuckin' Hilarious.

I'm still watching the Weather Channel.

Its raining sideways.

[Pell City Tiger]

We were bathed and had employed proper grooming habits, which made us stand out even more.

There is no better "pick me up" than a trip to the Walmart. No matter your circumstance, you will leave feeling a little better about yourself. It's been said that no matter how bad life is kicking you, someone somewhere has it worse. Walmart validates that. From the 37 year old 2-time grandmother with the Panama City license plate who still bravely sports that 80's 'do, to the large sized 58 year old man stuffed into a medium sized $9.99 bama football jersey.

I don't know how Wetumpkans roll but, here in Pell City, we like to drive past the Walmart and make fun of the people caught shoplifting that have to stand out front wearing a sign. How bad off does one have to be to try to steal a $4.99 shirt? Maybe it's all the Nick Saban and bama garbage they have stacked in the isles that make temptation too much to resist. I don't know. I do know that the Pell City police department has 2 officers permanently stationed in Walmart and they do wonderful business.

[JohnDeere]

I thought Wetumpka had the Native American Casino/Bingo Hall. What else is needed for good times?
Plus, the dog track casino is right down the interstate.

[AUChizad]

Elitists.

I have no qualms about shopping at Wal-Mart.

Always low prices. Always.

[ssgaufan]

Its the Wal-Marks dammit.