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Friday Funny

Snaggletiger

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Friday Funny
« on: October 30, 2015, 10:17:43 AM »
A man walks up to an incredibly sexy woman in a supermarket and says, "I've lost my wife.  I can't find her anywhere.  Will you talk to me for a minute?"

She asks, "Why do you want to talk to me?"

Because every time I start talking to a woman with tits like yours, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere.


Bada-Bing
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

dallaswareagle

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2015, 10:30:48 AM »
You may not know it but I have been very busy over the past 2 years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. I am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy.
 
 
Here is the Table of Contents from my  new book, "Winning Golf Strategies", which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of golfing partners.
 
Table Of Contents

Chapter 1 - How to properly line up your Fourth putt.
 
Chapter 2 - How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from  the tee.
 
Chapter 3 - How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.
Chapter 4 - How to get more distance off the Shank.
Chapter 5 - When to give the Ranger the finger.
 
Chapter 6 - Using your shadow on the Greens to maximize earnings.
 
Chapter 7 - When to implement Handicap Management.
 
Chapter 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post, .... Undetected.

Chapter 10 - How to rationalize a 6 hour round.
 
Chapter 11 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.
 
Chapter 12 - My favorite chapter is: Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13 - How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.
 
Chapter 14 - How to relax when you are hitting Three off the Tee.
 
Chapter 15 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.

Chapter 16 - God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.
 
Chapter 17 - When to regrip your Ball Retriever.
 
Chapter 18 - Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot  Wedge.

Hopefully you will find my book intriguing and purchase a copy.
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A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.' That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.'

Snaggletiger

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #2 on: October 30, 2015, 10:43:33 AM »
How to properly line up your 4th putt

When to regrip your Ball Retriever

Gold
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

dallaswareagle

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #3 on: October 30, 2015, 10:50:13 AM »
Chapter 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.



Was a hard one to explain to the wife.
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A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.' That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.'

Snaggletiger

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #4 on: October 30, 2015, 11:22:15 AM »
If John has 50 candy bars and eats 45, how many does he have?



Diabetes.  John has diabetes.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

CCTAU

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #5 on: October 30, 2015, 12:00:33 PM »
If John has 50 candy bars and eats 45, WHAT does JOHN have?



Diabetes.  John has diabetes.
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Five statements of WISDOM
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friends, is the beginning of the end of any nation.

Snaggletiger

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2015, 12:33:14 PM »
I got it.  See, the joke is that the person answering is no longer concerned with the math once he hears that John has eaten 45 ca.....oh forget it. 
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

CCTAU

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2015, 02:36:19 PM »
I got it.  See, the joke is that the person answering is no longer concerned with the math once he hears that John has eaten 45 ca.....oh forget it.

Its all in the delivery, friend.

Example:

Take my ex-wife...


No. Really. Take her...



See?
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Five statements of WISDOM
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friends, is the beginning of the end of any nation.

Snaggletiger

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2015, 02:44:41 PM »
Its all in the delivery, friend.

Example:

Take my ex-wife...


No. Really. Take her...



See?

You're a regular Sid Seizure
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Snaggletiger

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #9 on: October 30, 2015, 04:11:59 PM »
What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Snaggletiger

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #10 on: October 30, 2015, 04:13:57 PM »
What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?


A man will actually search for a golf ball.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Snaggletiger

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #11 on: October 30, 2015, 04:15:08 PM »
What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Pell City Tiger

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #12 on: October 30, 2015, 04:39:16 PM »
Is it normal for your proctologist to invite you out for drinks after the exam?
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"I stood up, unzipped my pants, lowered my shorts and placed my bare ass on the window. That's the last thing I wanted those people to see of me."

Snaggletiger

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #13 on: October 30, 2015, 04:52:45 PM »
Is it normal for your proctologist to invite you out for drinks after the exam?

Of course it is. 




Wait....I mean....that's not right.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

dallaswareagle

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #14 on: October 30, 2015, 04:57:13 PM »
Is it normal for your proctologist to invite you out for drinks after the exam?

Be kind of shitty if he didn't.
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A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.' That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.'

Snaggletiger

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #15 on: October 30, 2015, 05:15:10 PM »
What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

WiregrassTiger

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #16 on: October 30, 2015, 05:49:48 PM »
What time today is the funny supposed to start in this thread?
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Pell City Tiger

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #17 on: October 30, 2015, 06:32:58 PM »
What time today is the funny supposed to start in this thread?
At precisely 04:39:16 PM.
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"I stood up, unzipped my pants, lowered my shorts and placed my bare ass on the window. That's the last thing I wanted those people to see of me."