Here's what goes down:
Alabama vs. Ohio State
Ohio State starts strong. Holds Bama's first drive to a punt. Drives down the field and scores a touchdown. Bama then gets the ball back and after Amari Cooper makes one nice play, Bama kicks a field goal. Surprisingly, they make it. Ohio State gets the ball back and hits a bomb for 60+. 14-3. Bama gets the ball again. Punts. Three and out. It's a fucking party for everyone not in Crimson.
Ohio State gets the ball back with a chance to start the final nail in the coffin. Ohp! QB got too cocky. Tried to scramble and takes a direct hit to the head from Trey DePriest. Not really a big hit, but the Bama fanbase in New Orleans goes "ooooohhhhh!" like they do every time they make a tackle. QB looks a little wobbly and comes out. Seems okay on the sidelines, but in this day and age, the UAB-trained physician shuts him down. Ohio State's fourth string QB - a white kid named Elliot from Akron that isn't listed on the roster - enters the game. Final score: 38-14 Alabama. Alabama points back to Amari Cooper's one nice play and says, "We were probably going to win anyway.
Oregon-Florida State
Florida State jumps up early much to everyone's surprise. Winston gets three touchdowns in the first half as the Seminole receivers take advantage of Oregon's CB injury. Score is 24-7 at the half. Winston talks lots of shit. Mariota gives rallying speech on sideline before the team goes to the huddle. Has coaching staff perform a Haka. Whole stadium gets inspired. As they go in to talk x's and o's, the fans of both sides do the Haka.
Mariota comes out and leads the Ducks to victory. 25-24. A two-point conversion with no time left on the clock sends Jimbo home and Winston punches him, so Jimbo goes home with a black eye too.
Mariota runs the perimeter of the field slapping hands with every fan. An angry FSU fan throws a baby at him, but Mariota catches the baby as if his hands were pillows and in one swift motion, tosses the baby at an attractive couple who have been on the adoption list for four years. A faint "Whoa Nelly!" is heard from Keith Jackson from afar.
Alabama vs. Oregon - Championship Game
The hype, the storylines, this is what it's all been leading up to. The old traditional powerhouse against the Mighty Ducks. Who will reign supreme?
The game goes as everyone hopes it doesn't go. Alabama drives down the field and Yeldon scores a touchdown. Then Oregon is held three and out. Alabama hits Amari Cooper for a 99 yard touchdown pass. Then Oregon throws an interception. Derrick Henry runs through wide open holds thanks to yanked-on jerseys and takes the ensuing play for a touchdown.
At the start of the 2nd quarter, Oregon gets a drive going. Mariota takes off on a scramble and the ball just drops from his hands. He had two hands on it - no, two forearms death gripping the ball. No way anyone could knock it free. But the air does. It just drops. No Oregon player notices. Not even Mariota. They keep running towards the endzone. Landon Collins picks the ball up and high steps it for a touchdown. Refs high step with him.
By halftime, you don't know what's happening. You've changed the channel. You peruse the Guide on your screen looking for any leftover Christmas movies. You wonder if you watched enough Christmas movies. You tell yourself, "Next year, I'm going to watch more Christmas movies."