I had an appointment at 1 yesterday and had to travel 3 hours, so I grabbed a gas station burrito at 8 a.m thinking it would carry me until the p.m. Tasted like cardboard but all was well.
Finished appointments and decided to grab a Steak and Shake burger with extra jalapeno to go. I was in a time crunch. I had extra jalapeno the night before and suffered no ill effects.
My little tummy started rumbling at about the I-10/I-65 interchange in Montgomery but I didn't want to stop at the truck stop in Montgomery and get shot by a hooker. Nothing major. I can make it to Greenville.
I hate gas station restrooms. I'm somewhat of a germaphobe and I'm probably one of the few straight guys that carries a little bottle of germx in my pocket. I promise I'm not gay. Really.
At the Hyundai plant, I realized that I couldn't make it to Greenville. I prefer Winn Dixie to make poopy when I'm on the road. Next is Publix, CVS and then Sams or Wal Mart rounding out the top 5. I was out of options.
I had on very swanky micro-fiber pants. Brand new from Belk. Much nicer than I'm sure any of you on here wear. I was concerned about shitting in them and I knew that I was running out of time.
I reached 90 mph and I was trying to remember how far the next exit with a bathroom is. Finally, I see Pintlala. It had been a while since I've been to Pintlala. Ray Scott's ponds and not much else but the sign said they had 3 service stations.
First station, I do my little straight legged shuffle up to the door and almost break the glass. It's locked. Cars outside but the store is empty and closed down. Well cuss.
I checked the treeline out back and decide that it's too clear. I can make it across the street, so I get back into the car and spin out, straight leg shuffle again. Pass a guy on the way to the bathroom with the look of, "Get out of the way, I'm about to shit in my pants" and he said that he's waiting to get in the men's room. So I bolt.
Third station is across the interstate on the East side of 65 and I could see 2 busses parked out front, which is why I didn't go there to begin with. I haul ass and speak to Mr. Patel as I shuffle to the men's room. Thank God, it's open. It's a one seater with piss on the floor. No time to spread the toilet paper on the seat. I'm going to attempt the hover. Drop the new pants onto the pissy floor, squat and explode. I had miscalculated. This wasn't a torpedo at all but like a whiskey shit. Like an incendiary device full of chocolate pudding exploded.
Oh shit. Really. And there's more to come. I had forgotten how hard it is to hover and the AC is obviously off. It's like I'm working out while dressed up nice. I'm sweating at this point and realize I can't hover for much longer because my legs are starting to shake and my asshole is on fire.
I stood up and cleaned up the seat for a sit and was doing that when Montavious tries to yank the door open. "Somebody in there?" "Yeah, I may be a little while"
So, now I'm feeling the stress of trying to rush things but he'd just have to wait. I probably flushed 20 times and I'm sure Mr. Patel was getting upset about that. There was no fan in there, so I'm sure he counted the flushes.
I normally try to leave things the way that I find them but I was ill equipped to clean shit off of the wall and sides of the toilet. I just cleaned up the seat as best I could and hoped Montavious wasn't still waiting.
Thank goodness he was gone. I grabbed a diet Mountain Dew and some M&M's that I didn't need or want but because I felt guilty about the bathroom. Then, I was fine for the rest of the trip.
If you can help it, try not to shit in Pinlala.
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