Ok, I admit, I assumed the risk by going. You're not supposed to go to the Waffle House sober or unless you work night shift.
But fuck me running, this was the worst experience eating out anywhere that I can recall. I don't eat breakfast much during the week, opting to sleep a few minutes longer. Breakfast is my weekend treat. I usually make it myself, but about once a month I go to this Waffle House. Usually ok, and incident free. Today, I arrive later than normal breakfast time. 2 chics at the end of the stool bar, decent looking, in Auburn gear. Ok, nice scenery. That was the last of the good.
I take a stool because I'm alone, leave a booth for 2 or more.
I immediately hear a kid at the other end of the joint braying and honking. Non stop. Parents eat, oblivious. I occasionally see his head bobbing back and forth. One of those kids completely unable to remain still or quiet for even a half second. Parents apparently are of the opinion that since they must endure it, everybody around them must as well.
I order a pattie melt. Haven't had one since my time on night shift at the PD. Always loved them. Greasy little treats with onions and cheese.
Waitress taking my order looks more like Miss Piggy than any fat girl I've ever seen. Tongue stud distracts me. Has a stud piercing in her hog nose too. Dangling from her ears are little silver footballs with a mullet crimson script A on each.
After I order, the braying and honking gets my attention again, and behind that family is another.
That next family appears to be Grandparents, Dad, and kid. Dad's hat is crimson with the mullet wearing script A. T-shirt is blank but crimson, and too small. They're finishing their meal and exiting their booth. They have a kid with them too. He hasn't made noise, but bolts from the booth towards the register passing his dad on the way. About 4 years old. Hops up on the stool next to me and starts rotating back and forth, kicking me about 6 times as he rotates. Dad looks on, does nothing.
The first family with the braying kid now finishes, and exits their booth. I now see the whole kid for the first time. Round faced, chubby kid, about 5 years old that appears stupid. Nothing obvious like Downs or whatever, just braying, and wobbling as he walked looking everywhere but where he was going, parents having to hold his hand to guide him so he doesn't run in to anything while staring at the ceiling as he walks, honks and brays. I think he's just one of those idiot kids that is so stimulated by his surroundings he can't pay attention to things like walking. Both parents in bammer t-shirts.
The 2 Auburn chics pay and leave. One sports a nice ass in sweat pants that read "Auburn Track and Field."
There's also another "kid". He's a black kid that I've seen in there before. Maybe about 20. He is mentally challenged, but is peaceful, and sits quietly in a chair by the door. I think his mom may be the lady that cleans the tables and greats you. They feed him. He takes the stool next to me. He is served his hamburger and hashbrowns, scattered, smothered, covered and chunked. He takes his fork in left hand, and hamburger in right, and starts demolishing it all, cramming it in his face, smacking, losing half of each bite, food caked around his open mouth...his elbows both held straight out, his left one poking me in the arm as he shovels hashbrowns. I have to lean away to finish my meal, and had to look away to keep from vomiting on the counter. I didn't want to be completely obvious by getting up and moving. I know he can't help it, but fuck me!
Dude in an Auburn hat walks in, sits down next to me, sees my Auburn hat, says "hey, how's it going?" I reply "ok, thanks".
I think to myself: "Must be karma for my contribution to the Shane thread."
I get up to pay, and notice that for some reason the mentally challenged kid slid down one stool next to the Auburn guy to finish demolishing his burger and hashbrowns. I wonder to myself, "Did that Auburn guy talk bad about Shane too?"
The pattie melt even sucked. I may never return to that Waffle House.
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