For the lawyers....

[djsimp]

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget.
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do.
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:     None.
ATTORNEY:  Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them ... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral ...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:      If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[GH2001]

This one is JR right?

ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[JR4AU]

This one is JR right?

I've asked a couple of questions that came out stupid. 

[Vandy Vol]

Many of those are made up or altered from the original statements.  But, in general, most of those are relatively accurate excerpts from the book "Disorder in the Court."

[GH2001]

I've asked a couple of questions that came out stupid.

I was thinking more the argumentative nature of the exchange and being "right".

Maybe I should have said it was .

Nothing but love for ya . You law practicing dick sucker you.

[Vandy Vol]

I was thinking more the argumentative nature of the exchange and being "right".

Maybe I should have said it was .

Nothing but love for ya . You law practicing dick sucker you.

How dare you...my dick sucking has nothing to do with the practice of law.

[GH2001]

How dare you...my dick sucking has nothing to do with the practice of law.

It was props. Multi tasking bastard.

[djsimp]

As many lawyering folks there are on this board, I figured some good stories would come of this. Please to be posting.

[GarMan]

As many lawyering folks there are on this board, I figured some good stories would come of this. Please to be posting.

That's kind of like asking them to admit to things they'd rather forget...  I'm hearing crickets, or are those cicadas?

[djsimp]

That's kind of like asking them to admit to things they'd rather forget...  I'm hearing crickets, or are those cicadas?

Maybe one of the locals will sip on the whiskeys enough to share. Where is Snaggle when you need him.

[JR4AU]

I was thinking more the argumentative nature of the exchange and being "right".

Maybe I should have said it was .

Nothing but love for ya . You law practicing dick sucker you.

I never argue.  To argue, the other side must have a valid point.  I'm always right. 

[JR4AU]

I represented a guy on a drug case once.  Been so long ago, I kinda have forgotten exactly how it went, but his girlfriend tried to claim the drugs found in the truck under the hood...she had been arrested also.   At the jail, they discovered more pills hidden in her "special place".  (I knew I'd get a chance to reuse that).  I asked the officer if she was claiming those too, or not.  He kind of looked at me funny, and gave an answer like "well, how could she not claim them?"  It was probably funnier in real time. 

[GH2001]

I never argue.  To argue, the other side must have a valid point.  I'm always right.

You're arguing now fucker.   

[ssgaufan]

Maybe one of the locals will sip on the whiskeys enough to share. Where is Snaggle when you need him.

He's off listening to stories from his BIL.

[Vandy Vol]

He's off listening to stories from his BIL.

The wife lets him leave to go places other than work?

[AUTiger1]

The wife lets him leave to go places other than work?

God no!  His BIL has to come to his office to tell him those stories.

[Vandy Vol]

God no!  His BIL has to come to his office to tell him those stories.

Oh...well that makes perfect sense, considering that he doesn't really do any work at his office anyways...

[AUTiger1]

Oh...well that makes perfect sense, considering that he doesn't really do any work at his office anyways...

The man must be loaded.....he never works.

[AWK]

The man must be loaded.....he never works.

Speaking of loads...