The New Creed

[Kaos]

I believe that this is a fantasy world and that our offense is just fine. Therefore, I believe in field goals, many field goals.

I believe in money, which gives me the ability to spend extravagantly and allows me to offer ridiculous buyouts.

I may believe in honesty and truthfulness, but I would rather spout misleading platitudes as they are more fun.

I believe in a sound system, without which a DJ in the stands would be impossible

I believe in obedience to donors because it protects the rights of the few.

I believe in the human touch, unless somebody finds out about it at which point the coach and his son must be allowed to resign.

I believe in country music and all other forms of rap and soul, because it can be blared from the sound system and played at every possible break in the football action, better to drown out the band.

I believe in jumbotrons. I believe in selling my soul for tiny pieces of advertising. I believe I'd sell space on Auburn helmets to Johnsonville Sausage if the NCAA would let me.  I believe that baffling fans with bullshit distractions is more important than what happens on the field. 

I believe in arrogance and puffery.  I believe in $300 hair gels and ill-fitting suits.

And even though Auburn men and women don't really believe in these things, I AM Auburn, so you can just fucking suck it, bitches. 

-- Jay Jacobs