LoLz Inducing Amazon Reviews

[AUChizad]

For one of those slow days.

These two links were sent to me on separate occasions.

http://www.amazon.com/Accoutrements-12283-Magical-Unicorn-Mask/dp/B0070QMUFA/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

The Right One For Me

I'm going to be honest, I have tried several different unicorn masks in the past. I have about 6 masks from various retailers around the internet and I've gotta say, this is the right one for me. When I put it on, I feel the rush of pretending I am a real-life unicorn! It is so realistically styled that there's a connection I feel deep inside when I put it on.

As mentioned in other reviews, the mask is very durable. The latex holds up well against brush and other woodland undergrowth. However, I found that when I tried to spear some pineapple from a tree or defend myself from approaching predators, the rubbery material of the horn just didn't hold up as well as I needed it to. More times than I'd like to admit, I had to gallop away from an attacking bear instead of standing proud and defending my honor like an actual unicorn. The solution I came up with was to simply reinforce the hollow inside of the horn with steel rods welded in a cylindrical shape. I just gorilla glued the metal into place (making sure a longer, pointed rod stuck out of the end so that I can pierce the hearts of my enemies) and voila!

Now I have a sweet unicorn mask that lets me fulfill all of my unicornical fantasies. You will not be disappointed in this mask. [

Magical yes...durable no

As others have said, this IS a magical mask. There's simply no disputing that. The other day, when i picked up my daughter from school wearing the mask, the look on the faces of her classmates left no doubt that they had been touched by its magic. It's not every day you see a unicorn at a community college, after all.

The issue for me, however, is durability. I've taken to wearing the mask along with a black PVC suit and crimson cape, and calling myself "Unicorn Man." Imagine my disappointment when, the first time i attempted to spear an evildoer with my horn, it crumpled rather flaccidly. Since then i've reinforced the horn mechanically, but really, you shouldn't have to apply after-market solutions or take over-the-counter medications to firm up a supposedly magical horn.

It watches

I came home one day to find this unicorn mask on the chair opposite my bed. I don't know how it got there, but I know what it wants. Me. One day the unicorn mask will impale me on it's horn and I will die. Until then, it watches me sleep at night. Watching. Waiting. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because I've seen a flash of light hit its' eye and I think it's time. Time for the unicorn mask. "Not yet, not yet," the mask will whiny and I will fall back to sleep, to dream and wonder.

An expert's opinion

As a unicorn myself, I am quite satisfied with the authenticity of this particular item. I believe that for far too long, other species have had a rather undisciplined view of how we truly are. This mask gives such individuals the chance to "walk a mile in our shoes" per say. Obviously there are several unattractive flaws with this particular mask, such as how the mouth is continuously gaping as if to say something or take a small bite of food. However, all other educational aspects seem fairly correct except for the fact that I myself have a black coat of fur (yes, we black unicorns exist) and I would like to see a more diverse line of products for the following fiscal year. All in all I thoroughly enjoy the chance for humans to truly understand us for what we are.

No One Believes In Unicorns Anymore,

...especially a bellowing one with a man's body at 2 a.m. at the tittie bar. I learned that lesson at approximately the same moment I learned why they call those burly workers at the bar "bouncers."

http://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-5717-571-Banana-Slicer/product-reviews/B0047E0EII/ref=cm_cr_dp_qt_hist_one?ie=UTF8&filterBy=addOneStar&showViewpoints=0

No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!

For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I'll call it South Side Story.

Saved my marriage,

What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone.... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day's banana slices. It's one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old "I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?" and of course, "You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!" These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That's when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we've even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!

Amazing time saver,

This is the greatest kitchen utensil ever! Can't believe how much time I used to waste with a ruler and pencil, marking my bananas to get those perfectly uniform slices. I was terrible at geometry and trigonometry so it was hard for me to get exact measurements on curved bananas with a straight ruler. Then I had to go back and remove the pencil marks after slicing. There was always that tiny eraser smudge on every slice. This wonderful gadget frees up much more time that can be spent marking my cantaloupes for perfect slices--and boy do I need all the help I can get. It's even harder to use my ruler to mark round fruit than curved fruit. Hutzler, you're the best. All my friends are getting one of these for Christmas.

The 571B is the real deal, August 8, 2012

This is the only one used on official world tournaments and don't settle for less. Some will try to sell you a 569, 570 or 571A but they are cheap versions of the real deal which is the 571B. At home I still have an old 134 series A (the cast iron one with the screw to set the width) which I use for special occasions, but when I travel the 571B is in my carry-on. The 200 and 300's are really more for people with a tomato background.

(Two stars) Not True,

This review is from: Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer (Kitchen)
The people at Hutzler claim the following regarding the Banana Slicer 571:

1) Faster, safer than using a knife
2) Great for cereal
3) Plastic, dishwasher safe
4) Slice your banana with one quick motion
5) Kids love slicing their own bananas

While several of these are true, I'd like to call attention to number 2, "great for cereal." This is completely moronic. I have been trying to eat my cereal with this for several hours now, and have gotten NO WHERE.

Angle Was Wrong" Was Wrong, August 18, 2012

I can't believe anyone could be so inept as to think that they couldn't slice their bananas because they bent "the wrong way." All that person has to do is to buy the model 571C Banana Slicer that is for bananas that bend the other way. Although I prefer left-bending bananas, I got both the 571B and the 571C so that when shopping, I don't have to have the hassle of finding bananas with the correct polarity. I hope "Angle Was Wrong" sees the light and removes that harsh one-star rating for this indispensable product duo.

(One Star) This product ruined my life,

I guess I had what you would call a classic "ninja makes good" story. It's a cliche at this point, but a lifetime of ninjitsu training in a remote Japanese dojo had made me a silent and relentless killing machine. Eventually, however, I could no longer ignore the ethical and moral implications of my trade. I turned my back on my former life and set about making an honest living. The one thing I could do - better than anyone - was slice a banana into perfect, even slices. My work was a wonder to behold. My list of clients included heads of state, famous actors, even a Kardashian. I gave back by slicing bananas for children's hospital patients, entertaining the young ones with my swift yet deft katana work.

I was on top of the world.

When the calls first started to slow down, I blamed the economy. A luxury service like mine, surely, would be the first to go in a global economic meltdown. I felt pity for my clients, a pity that would soon prove the source of bitter irony, for it was THEY who should have pitied ME.

One night, feeling sorry for a favorite client (a leading political and intellectual light who loved her bananas sliced just so), I decided to bestow upon her a gift. How delighted she would be, I thought to myself, when she awoke in the morning and found a perfectly sliced banana, just waiting for her cereal and milk. How she would savor each bite of this lost luxury.

My feet glided silently across the rooftops of the city until I alit upon her roof. Creeping noiselessly down the wall, my heart beating in anticipation, I reached the kitchen window. But before I could slide my fingers to the window to open it, I beheld a horrifying scene. Wielding a 571B, she quickly prepared perfect, even banana slices and scattered them lazily on a bed of wheaties.

It was then that I knew. I was an anachronism, out of place in this modern world, supplanted by a piece of plastic with perfectly spaced banana cutters.

I've returned to my old life these days. Mostly assassinations for hire, with the occasional kidnapping to break up the monotony. Every now and then I'll slice a banana, just to prove I've still got it. But no one really appreciates the true art of the ninja anymore. "Even my 571B can do THAT," they say. But I know. And after I cut off their hands and say "where's your precious 571B NOW?" they know it too.

I'm giving this product one star because it's just IMPOSSIBLE to clean.

[Saniflush]

 

[CCTAU]

So all of these reviews made you want to give birth early?

[Jumbo]