Been doing a few Mardi Gras parades. I've noticed there are a few distinct personalities who show up at these things.
1) Squeezers. They show up late and then try to squeeze past you to the rail. These are typically older women who are trying to look young and/or grandmotherly types trying to shove their kids past you. And then squeeze their fat ass in too.
2) Bead Hags. Saw one today. Probably 60 but wearing a Juicy Couture sweatsuit. Hair dyed platinum blonde. Enormous sunglasses. Botoxed face, chicken-grease injected lips. Despite all that, can't keep the old lady smell off her. Bead hags will snatch a kid's damn arm off for a set of beads. Don't let both get their hands on a string because she's going to yank it like it's a free liposuction coupon. I think they see beads as validation of their self-delusional sexiness. The one today threw an elbow to get a large strand a rider was clearly trying to throw to a kid.
3) Creepers. They show up late like the squeezers but instead of trying to shove past you, they loiter around behind you and grab anything that doesn't fall directly in your hands. They especially love to fall in behind people who chose their spot and set up chairs an hour before the parade. As a rule, Creepers are Alabama fans, older and usually smoke.
4) Fuck Yous. Five kids on either side of a Fuck You and they're going to light up a Marlboro or a cigar. Wind blowing ash, embers and smoke in the kids faces? Fuck You, it's a free country.
5) Filchers. Never seen anything like this. Twice today I saw this guy who was in his 40s (and sadly wearing an Auburn pullover) digging in my kid's bag. The first time he was pulling moon pies out of it. The second he had a fist full of beads. The first time I just asked him if he'd lost his damn mind. The second I hit him in the face with a frisbee. This isn't the first time. I've had old ladies and old men pilfer in our bags, I've had kids try to steal the entire bag, I've had grown ass men snatch stuffed animals away from kids, I've seen men and women go over the back and slam kids against the rail to grab at stuff that was thrown for the kids. It's pitiful.
6) Wild Monkeys. Where do these Deliverance looking kids come from? Haircuts that look like they were done at the kitchen sink with a steak knife, perpetual facial grime, bubbling snot boogers, teeth jutting out at all angles and unibrows. They scramble over the barricades like monkeys and snatch up beads from the middle of the street. They run under you snatching all the things that fall around you. Always running, ducking and dodging. Most somewhere between 6 and 12. Where are their parents?
7) The Grumps. Why are they even here. Today I saw an old grump with one of those long snatching sticks for picking up things. Probably 70 or older. Looked like the last place in the world he wanted to be was there. A large set of beads came from one of the floats intended for a bead hag in front of him. The stupid, obnoxious whore missed and it caught Grump square in the face. Sounded like a baseball bat hitting a wooden box. Apparently this pissed Grump off. He didn't get those beads because a Wild Monkey scurried in and snagged them before they had barely touched the ground, but Grump was in full old man rage. He grabbed a football out of his bag and flung it back at the float bellowing "Bada FARGAAA" in his old man voice. He threw Ramen noodles, moon pies and then threw his whole bag of beads and the bag itself out in the street while screaming "YAAA BAAA FEEEGRAAAAH" Wild Monkeys and a Bead Hag went to war over the spilled beads.
8) The Squatters. This is me. I get there reasonably early, I stake my territory and nobody better mess with it. I tell Creepers to get out from behind me and my kids. I tell Squeezers to move along, no room at the inn. Bead Hags throw elbows, I'm throwing back. I'll body block Wild Monkeys as much as possible. I hit Filchers in the face. My kids get a three foot halo in every direction. Anything falls in it, it's theirs. Period.
9) The Take It Too Far. Yeah, wear some beads. Yeah, put on a funky hat. But don't wear 200 beads and don't have a hat that looks like seven octopi shit blinking lights on it. If you're 70, don't wear a mini skirt, fleur di lis leggings, purple sparkle shoes, a frilly yellow blouse and light up stovepipe hat. Come on. Get hold of yourself.
I'll never understand people. I see some crazy stuff at these parades.
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