Claus charged as domestic terrorist
Warrant claims world's jolliest elf clandestinely stoking fires of insurrection
In response to Biden Administration* calls for the phrase "Let's Go Brandon" to be deemed hate speech and those who wear clothing branded with the phrase, have stickers on their autos branded with the phrase or chant the phrase in public areas to be considered domestic terrorists, the Department of Justice spent months reviewing other seemingly innocuous phrases to determine if they might possibly be secret dog whistles to insurrectionist movements.
When Charles/Charlotte Titbury reviewed the supposedly jolly "Ho Ho Ho" response Kris Kringle, AKA Santa Claus, offers to children who amuse him, he/she/they/dem uncovered something disturbing.
"I think it's pretty obvious what this cisgendered, animal abusing, white privileged, patriarchy-supporting, white man is actually saying when he flies around chanting Ho Ho Ho. It's a direct assault on our distinguished and talented vice president," Charles/Charlotte shrieked. "This old white bastard must be CANCELED. We must eliminate the fucker. We cannot support this kind of insurrectionist behavior."
Seventeen FBI agents posing as elves organized a rally in support of Santa at a Holiday Inn right outside of Baltimore. They encouraged other elves and reindeer to attend, but the right-wing elven mob may have been tipped off as none arrived. Wearing wreaths of holly (that turned out to be poison ivy) the agents waited up until almost midnight hoping to arrest Mr. Claus when he arrived at the rally. Eventually they all fell asleep. One of the agents thought he may have seen Claus creeping around in the wee hours of the morning, but with a wink of his eye and a finger aside of his nose, he apparently vanished up the gas fireplace in the lobby. When the agents awoke the next morning, they found bags of coal next to their chairs and discovered that their cookies had been eaten.
Additional warrants were signed against Claus for trespassing, cookie theft and violating ecological standards by transporting coal into a green energy safe zone.
At a Wednesday press conference President* Biden had this to say.
"I think he's fat. I used to whip his ass back behind the train station. Me and Corn Flakes got it on. Sometimes when you... uhhh..... peppers and jelly on the hearth... and then you have the build back better because inflation... ummm.. $300 is a living wage for all the percenters. Back in the 70s, I used to work at the North Pole. Those elves loved to lick my leg hair because it was so wavy. Then I was in Scranton... uhhh... those children in the cages from the pervious adstrinimation... Who gave them the Mary Joseph? ....Shit on the Pope. I'm tired."
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