Funnies? Put them here. Give us all a good laugh. We need it.

[ssgaufan]

 Grandma Still Drives -- Priceless



Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ...

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant..

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something..

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon,

Love Grandma

[Snaggletiger]

Why did hitler really kill himself?


He saw the gas bill.

[AU_Tiger_2000]

If you watch Cinderella backward it's about a woman who learns her place.

If you watch Jaws backwards, it's a movie about a shark that keeps throwing up people until they have to open a beach.

If you watch The Shining backwards it's about a man rescued from the cold who learns to be a loving father and husband.

[AU_Tiger_2000]

If you watch Pretty Woman backwards it's about Richard Gere turning Julia Roberts into a hooker

If you watch Benjamin Button backwards a kid gets old and dies.

[Godfather]

If you watch Cinderella backward it's about a woman who learns her place.

If you watch Pretty Woman backwards it's about Richard Gere turning Julia Roberts into a hooker

[djsimp]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[Buzz Killington]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then

Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

"What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[djsimp]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

[JR4AU]

Little bammer whore comes home from school on Friday and asks her daddy if she can have the truck tonight. 

Daddy says, well you know what daddy's girl has to do for daddy don't you?

She reluctantly goes down on him, and suddenly gags and spits and says "that tastes like shit"

Daddy says: "That reminds me, your brother already has the truck."

[GH2001]

Little bammer whore comes home from school on Friday and asks her daddy if she can have the truck tonight. 

Daddy says, well you know what daddy's girl has to do for daddy don't you?

She reluctantly goes down on him, and suddenly gags and spits and says "that tastes like shit"

Daddy says: "That reminds me, your brother already has the truck."

-1 for attempting to turn a true story into a joke.

[Saniflush]

An elderly man and woman are sitting in church one Sunday when the woman leans over and whispers to her husband "I just cut a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband leans over and responds "get your hearing aid checked".

[djsimp]

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

[Snaggletiger]

A guy goes to church one Sunday by himself as his wife is sick.  He comes home with a black eye and his wife asks "What in the world happened to you?"

He says, "You know big ole Mrs. Bernice that sits in front of us every Sunday? Well, we stands up to sing a hymn and I see her dress is all caught up in her butt crack.  It was a wrinkled mess and I knew she didn't realize it and would be embarrassed...so I reached over and pulled it out for her.  She turned around and socked me right in the eye."

His wife says, "Well I hope that taught you a lesson"

The next Sunday, his wife is still under the weather so he goes alone again, only to come back with another black eye.  "What in tarnation happened to you this time?"

"Well, we stood up to sing Amazin' Grace and when I looked at Mrs. Bernice's dress, it was layin down so purty and straight.  I knew how much she didn't like that, so I reached over and tucked it back in her butt for her...." 

[Kaos]

I only know one joke.  I've told it several times but I still like it. 


Penguin's car is acting up so he takes it in to the shop.  Mechanic says it'll be about an hour so the penguin goes for a walk. 

As the day is rather hot, the penguin is overjoyed to find an ice cream shop across the street.  He orders a large bannana split and gobbles it down.

After about an hour he heads back to the shop at about the same time the mechanic emerges from the back wiping his hands on a rag. 

"Buddy, it looks like you blew a seal,"  the mechanic says. 

The penguin replies: "No, it's only ice cream."   

[Token]

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[djsimp]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

[djsimp]

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

[CCTAU]

Gerry & Dale, two Alabama rednecks, are out hunting, and as they are
walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the  size of it.

Gerry says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see  the bottom. I
wonder how deep it is."

Dale says," I don't know, let's throw something
down and listen and see how long it takes to hit  bottom."

Gerry says, "There's this old automobile transmission here,
give me a hand and we'll throw it in and  see".

So they pick it up and carry it over,  and count one, and
two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are  standing there listening and looking over the edge and
they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn  around they see a goat come crashing through the brush,
run up to  the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head  first.

While  they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole
and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old  farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers  didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did  you?"

Gerry says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing
here a minute ago and a goat came running out  of the bushes doin'
about a hunert miles an hour and  jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old  farmer said, "That's impossible!

I had him chained to  a transmission!"

[CCTAU]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he
turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of
bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left
to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the
bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all
these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a
cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap
him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the
manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the
little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete dick."