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The Library => Haley Center Basement => Topic started by: Snaggletiger on January 06, 2016, 05:33:53 PM
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After seeing Dallas' thermal fart cam..
Men are simple...easily satisfied. We don't require and in fact, don't want to get too deep about a lot of things. Good beer buzz early in the morning. Good ball game on the tube. A ribeye cooked just right. Steady tail. It doesn't take much. We're simple creatures.
And one thing that can put a smile on a man's face is lighting someone up with a well placed cheesy blaster that elicits a good cussing from said recipient of the noxious nugget. Made my little brother cry one time when I ruined his morning bowl of Count Chocula by pausing as I walked by to put a new part in his hair.
Farts make me laugh. I honestly don't want to breathe anyone else's ass but you just have to appreciate the successful, situational fart. Ever ruined the day for an elevator full of strangers? Ever crop-dusted several tables of people in a restaurant on the way to the bathroom? Ever given the wife or girlfriend a Dutch Oven? (Okay, that would cross the line at my house) What's your moment of triumph? Of course, you know that this...or any story....has to involve in-laws. Suffice it to say, Seatbelts do save lives.
I was in the car one afternoon with a couple of stops to make before I picked up the brother and father in law to head to a basketball game in Troy. All day, I had been blowing the tushy trumpet with increasingly lethal results. These were bad. Reeeal bad. So much so, I had to roll the windows down to air the car out on the way to pick them up so they wouldn't get in and ask what the hell died in here? I knew it was just a matter of time before another one began brewing and sure enough, as we sped up 231, one was soon knocking at the door. I prayed that #1. I could eek this out without detection, and 2. I didn't shart my khakis when I let it go.
Success on both fronts. I already had tears welling up while I tried to stifle the impending laughter when this vile thing I had unleashed found its targets. Then.....BOOM GOES THE DY-NO-MITE!!! BIL in the front seat began speaking tongues as he searched frantically through the haze to find the window button. The other reaction was not one I expected. FIL in the back seat was gagging as he pulled the door handle hard and hastily tried to exit the vehicle....at 65 m.p.h. He was restrained by the seatbelt which kept him inside. But, I actually had to holler at him and bring him to his senses because he was still trying to dive out of the car and was reaching for the latch to set himself free.
Now, to put it in perspective, when you bust a crack rattler that's so disturbing it makes a man opt for the cold hard pavement at 65 m.p.h. rather than enjoying that alluring aroma one second longer....yep, it's the simple things in life.
Farts?
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BIL in the front seat began speaking tongues as he searched frantically through the haze to find the window button.
Shouldn't you have locked the windows prior to farting? I thought that was standard practice.
And good work on almost making your FiL kill himself.
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Shouldn't you have locked the windows prior to farting? I thought that was standard practice.
And good work on almost making your FiL kill himself.
Exposing them to those toxic toots for more than a few seconds could have caused irreperable long term damage.
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Very nice.
I laughed so hard I farted!
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Shouldn't you have locked the windows prior to farting? I thought that was standard practice.
If you don't lock the windows and crank the heater to full blast, what's the point?
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If you don't lock the windows and crank the heater to full blast, what's the point?
This is a well educated fella right here folks ^^^
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I do not usually read long posts, especially from this long-winded and lame poster. But I must admit I chuckled big at the thought of the pops in law opening the door.
Used to work in a big office environment. I started the trend of very seriously calling a coworker over to review some paperwork by making up some trivial work related question that would confuse them long enough to let out a silent killer. I did it to young and old. Even a few nice looking women that I didn't have much chance with.
People hate you for it at the moment but then they usually laugh all day about it. Farts are weird in that regard. Cause an immense amount of olfactory discomfort and emotional distress but survivors are jubilant about the experience. Strange. We never laugh when we hit our thumb with a hammer but some farts are almost as distressful.
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I do not usually read long posts, especially from this long-winded and lame poster.
While I agree, I see no need in you talking about yourself. We all know you are lame. No need to waste posts.
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While coming back from Mexico a few years ago, we had gone out the night before and stayed out later than we should, drank and ate god knows what. Got back in time to the hotel to get our stuff and get to the airport. Boarded the plane and took off, no problems. About one hour into the flight my insides did not appreciate whatever I had put in them. So as I was thinking about making the long walk of shame down the isle to the bathroom, my bottom released a Mexican food/drink bomb. If memory serves I saw people about 10 rows back flinching and it being on a plane no one could go anywhere and it lingered. The greatest compliment I got was a we were getting off the plane and it was known that I was the guilty party, a gentlemen looks me in the eye and said. Good thing you did that on the plane cause that would have never cleared customs.
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Law school. Final exam in Torts II. Amphitheater seating and I'm sitting up top on the end with a buddy of mine to my left. He finishes and gets up to turn in his test. Pauses to say, see ya'. About the time he hits the bottom of the stairs, the smell slapped me in the face..and lingered. The girl in front of me whips around and glares at me like I just kicked her puppy.
Wha...noooo....that wasn't...I didn't....it was.....
I look down and he's grinning like he just won the lottery as he walks out the door. Bravo, sir. Well done.
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Law school. Final exam in Torts II. Amphitheater seating and I'm sitting up top on the end with a buddy of mine to my left. He finishes and gets up to turn in his test. Pauses to say, see ya'. About the time he hits the bottom of the stairs, the smell slapped me in the face..and lingered. The girl in front of me whips around and glares at me like I just kicked her puppy.
Wha...noooo....that wasn't...I didn't....it was.....
I look down and he's grinning like he just won the lottery as he walks out the door. Bravo, sir. Well done.
Lawyers...shitty assholes...
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Lawyers...shitty assholes...
Oh, I have no doubt he shit his drawers on that one.
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I'm surprised there are so few fart stories. I guess gays don't fart as much as I assumed.
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I'm surprised there are so few fart stories. I guess gays don't fart as much as I assumed.
They just simultaneously let out a puff of air and shit themselves
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I just farted and ran my dog out of the room.
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I just farted and ran my dog out of the room.
Now that's some proper fartage right there,
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I'm surprised there are so few fart stories. I guess gays don't fart as much as I assumed.
i'd rather hear queefing stories from wench or sweets...
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You people are like cattle.
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Okay so...this board is now 100% dudes. And not one of you has a ever blown up anyone? What the fuck ev....
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Okay so...this board is now 100% dudes. And not one of you has a ever blown up anyone? What the fuck ev....
I've blown up people at will. It's defense. I use it. You piss me off in an elevator, you best expect a crop dusting. You piss me off in my own home, you best expect a dirt bomb. Period.