Tigers X - Number one Source to Talk Auburn Tigers Sports
The Library => Haley Center Basement => Topic started by: djsimp on January 09, 2012, 02:50:14 PM
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
'Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring
And sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'
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:clap: :clap: :clap:
I bet Sani likes that joke.
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:clap: :clap: :clap:
I bet Sani likes that joke.
I would say those of you who are married would like it more.
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:bugs:
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The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said,"Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
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That one is great.
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That one is great.
Wives are so versatile...
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Wives are so versatile...
Aren't they though.
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A man takes his wife to the stock show.
They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.
They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
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2nd joke of the day.
A guy has been dating this girl and this is the night he meets her parents for dinner at her house. Problem is, he has terrible gas. He tries all through dinner to suppress these monster farts and finally, after dinner, he walks into the den where there's nobody around except Duke, the family dog. He sits down in a chair beside the dog and sees his chance.
He raises up and lets loose a cheesey blaster. The smell is awful and wouldn't you know it, here comes dad through the door. It's obvious the odor hits dad in the face as soon as he comes in. Dad looks at the dog sternly, "Duuuuuke" Whoa, he thinks the dog did it. I'm golden. So every time he gets the urge, he eeks one out. "Damn it, Duke".
This happens several more times before he lets out the mother of all pungent farts.
"Damn it, Duke.....MOVE before he shits all over you!!!"
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In the local pub one night, they were having a contest to see who could make the best toast. The winner toasted the following.
"I'd have to say the best years of my life, have all been spent between the knees of my wife."
The man went home and told his wife he'd won the contest but figured he'd better change it up a bit when he recited it to her.
"I'd have to say the best years of my life, have been spent on the church pew beside my wife."
The next day she ran into some of his buddies from the bar and they began to rib her a little about her husband winning the contest. She told them:
"I don't understand why he made that toast. He's only been down there twice in the last 4 years and I had to pull on his ears to get him to go."
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In the local pub one night, they were having a contest to see who could make the best toast. The winner toasted the following.
"I'd have to say the best years of my life, have all been spent between the knees of my wife."
The man went home and told his wife he'd won the contest but figured he'd better change it up a bit when he recited it to her.
"I'd have to say the best years of my life, have been spent on the church pew beside my wife."
The next day she ran into some of his buddies from the bar and they began to rib her a little about her husband winning the contest. She told them:
"I don't understand why he made that toast. He's only been down there twice in the last 4 years and I had to pull on his ears to get him to go."
:404:
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:404:
Here's another one:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Fuck you
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I have told this one before...but I really like it...so here it goes again...
There was a guy that went in to the catholic confessional and said, "Father, I haven't been here in a month, but I have sinned. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice since my last confession."
"Go forth and say 3 Hail Mary's", the priest replied.
About 5 minutes later a second guy went in to the confessional and said, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I haven't been here for 2 months, and I have slept with Nookie Green twice a week for the past 2 months."
"Say, my child, who is Nookie Green?"
"She is a new girl in the neighborhood." the man replied.
The priest acknowledged and said "Go forth and say 5 hail Mary's".
The next Sunday, the priest was preaching in church when the back door opened and in walked this beautiful lady. She was wearing a stunning tight fitted, short green dress, and shiny green emerald high heel shoes to match. She had great tits and a nice ass and every man's head turned as she walked down the aisle and sat right in front of the preacher and the alter boy. When she sat down, she sat with her legs just enough apart that both the priest and alter boy could tell that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest looked at the alter boy and asked, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The alter boy responded, "No, I think that is just a reflection from her shoes."
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
"Only when he’s been drinking."
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
"Only when he’s been drinking."
Seriously, he needed to slap her ass.
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off mommy parts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
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A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."
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A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
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An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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...
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
:sad:
That sort of humor is not appreciated around here. Take it elsewhere...
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:sad:
That sort of humor is not appreciated around here. Take it elsewhere...
Damn skippy. Mark Chand needs to take that punchline back to the 3rd grade where he got it.
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Wow, tough crowd around here...
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Wow, tough crowd around here...
Knock knock...
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Wow, tough crowd around here...
If it doesn't pass as X rated, we don't want it. Cursing, pussy, murder, that kind of thing will get some props.
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A gay guy is sitting at the bar getting annoyed by this table of huge guys, obviously drunk and arguing about football. He walks over to the table and looks at the biggest one and says, "I have a game of football I can beat you at."
Laughter breaks out and the big guy says, "This, I've gotta' hear."
He replies, "First, you have to chug an entire beer. If you get the whole thing down, that's a touchdown. Then, you have to fart for the extra point."
More laughter ensues and the guy says, "Son, football, drinkin' and fartin' are the things I do best. You're on."
So the gay guy says he'll go first. He struggles mightily but is able to chug the whole beer. "Touchdown". Then he pushes for all he's worth and finally eeks out a fart. "Extra point.....7-0".
The big guy can barely contain his laughter while he chugs the beer. He slams down the mug, turns around and says, "Move back, I'm about to blow this sucker up." Instead, the gay guy hops behind him and starts pumping for all he's worth saying...."Block that kick....Block that kick"
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If it doesn't pass as X rated, we don't want it. Cursing, pussy, murder, that kind of thing will get some props.
And creds...
(https://encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRhID9oGnJHyjSB_WmFu1AQY--UdfVexq2bV89WG971o2VaWKTIkg)
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If it doesn't pass as X rated, we don't want it. Cursing, pussy, murder, that kind of thing will get some props.
you forgot pedophilia jokes.
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you forgot pedophilia jokes.
Can we do any black kid getting shot while eating skittles by Mexican looking, sort of white guy jokes?
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you forgot pedophilia jokes.
Tears
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So I was fucking this chick the other night and everything is going great until she looks up at me and says "You're a pedophile" then I say "That's a big word for a four year old".
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you forgot pedophilia jokes.
Damn, I'm slippn'.
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Can we do any black kid getting shot while eating skittles by Mexican looking, sort of white guy jokes?
Rule 1 here at the X: Obey all rules
Rule 2: No racism, you dirty fucking honky
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Rule 1 here at the X: Obey all rules
Rule 2: No racism, you dirty fucking honky
That's Mexican honky to you....boy.
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Rule 1 here at the X: Obey all rules
Rule 2: No racism, you dirty fucking honky
http://www.youtube.com/v/pM7e4GnMgzU
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Tears
Tarheel, you'll appreciate this.........
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An oldie but goodie;
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
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An oldie but goodie;
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
We all know the real answer is biting. Biting.
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Wow, tough crowd around here...
Its not personal man.
We just can't have the X getting a good reputation for being clean. Surely you understand. Right now, its full of cursing, nekid pictures, booze, guns and a bunch of degenerates - and should stay that way.
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Can we do any black kid getting shot while eating skittles by Mexican looking, sort of white guy jokes?
(http://i58.photobucket.com/albums/g242/glenn1964/attachment.jpg)
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“Two women were sitting, quietly together, minding their own business.â€
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“Two women were sitting, quietly together, minding their own business.â€
Best. One. Yet.
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“Two women were sitting, quietly together, minding their own business.â€
Talk about funny!!
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A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
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A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."
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Sunday Morning Sex
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. Upon hearing
that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to
her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort
her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He
had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the
ice cream truck hadn't come along."