Tigers X - Number one Source to Talk Auburn Tigers Sports
The Library => Haley Center Basement => Topic started by: Kaos on August 10, 2011, 09:03:17 PM
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Long day. Stopped at a large BBQ restaurant on the outskirts of Birmingham to get dinner. Only one othe person in there.
Select a booth in the middle of a row as far from the cashier as I can get. Enjoying my meal in solitude.
Fatty Family enters. Enormous shuffling man. Hippo woman. Two screaming brats in two.
Where do these fucks sit? Behind me. There are 29 other choices of seating. I counted. They wedge in behind me.
Fat daddy collapses into the booth with such force my face is almost driven into my plate.
Fat brat kids immediately begin squealing. Fat mom and dad are snuffling at their food like rabid hogs and occasionally yelling at kids through mouthfuls.
Fat kid adds bucking to his screaming repitoire. Repetitive kicks to the back of the booth.
Food begins to fly. A piece of a fry lands on my table. Then okra rains.
Fat mom and dad are heads down into their troughs.
I hear a glass crash and the sound of cascading liquid.
Dad bellows "GAAADAMMIT, I done tole you ta QUIT PLAYIN'"
Kid elevates screaming to shrieking.
Meal half eaten, I give up, get up and dump it in the trash.
Fat Daddy's stretched neck XXXXL tshirt was crimson.
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For those of you wanting the cliff notes:
(http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR4oXuxud8pTEOxKFDtBNqy3sPabJA3X7K6_lO3u32ROh6gmPi9)(http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRsAsJlkFrK61vWH3NeyE0I30RvTtF449_KYpBeK1dlWej-IUOm)(http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRKZcc3ckKoOnVXj342r3WhGvonw3QPdp8efh_x8WOc0mNKRxoX)
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No cliff notes needed, I've already seen this story. Setting, plot, conflict and characters. It seems to be the author's style.
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Since it's story time:
Two days ago I am driving home from work and notice an old rusted Jeep Wrangler blocking the street. Attached to the hitch is a white rope that is immediately angled towards the sky. I follow the rope up to the mid point of a tall tree which is next to a house.
This house and the one next to it sit on a steep hill that is around 15 yards towards the street. In front of one house are two large oak trees. In front of the other is a well landscaped yard with flowers, bushes, and other decor to make the steep hill aesthetically pleasing.
The tree with the rope attached stands between the two houses.
There is maybe six feet between an oak tree and the landscaping.
The jeep moves out of my way, and I notice the driver is a younger guy with shaggy, dirty black hair and a halfway grown in mustache. He has thick eyebrows which aren't furrowed, but his eyes are squinting hard causing pencil marked wrinkles around his eyes.
He has a cigarette hanging from his lip as his mouth gapes open. Just for Kaos - His shirt? Crimson with an A on the front.
I enter my house and watch from my window as three guys attempt to cut down this tree.
One man, an older man, has no shirt on. He's wearing jorts which are riding low, and his white briefs are exposed. He is leathery like an old football. His hair is white enough to miss, but it's wild to the point that you can't.
The third man is a tiny young hispanic man with spiky hair and a blue shirt that runs past his shorts. He is standing on the house's front porch smoking a cigarette.
I see my neighbor's seven year old daughter take her beagle to the front yard. It relieves itself. And I hear this:
"You don't fucking listen!"
The older man is screaming at the top of his lungs. He punches the jeep and walks up the hill through the landscape.
"God damnit! You fucking spics don't fucking listen!"
The two younger guys don't say anything. They don't flinch. They don't wince. They don't look annoyed. They don't do anything but smoke their cigarettes.
"You fucking lazy shits go ahead and smooooooookkkkkkkeeee yer fuuuuuuccckkkkkkin' cigarettes. God damn fucking shit."
The older man jumps up and grabs the rope. He pulls on it and starts swinging back and forth. He lets out a loud "whheeee!!!!" and laughs.
The young guys still don't budge.
The old man brings a chainsaw to the tree with a death sentence. He tries to cut into the tree, but something jams.
"God damnit! I told you fucking morons. You fucking morons. Fucking both of you. Fucking morons. I done told you that you can't tie the rope on a tree like a that. It won't work."
Another vehicle tries to pass by.
"Move out the fucking way you fucking shit head."
This went on for two hours. Chainsaw for ten to fifteen minutes. Then cussing and screaming.
Finally, just in the nick of time, I catch the final act.
The young Alabama shirt-guy has started helping the old man. The hispanic is still smoking a cigarette on the porch.
The tree gets cut right to the point it needs to be to fall.
The young guy sprints towards the jeep which is still in the middle of the road unmanned.
He slips. Rolls down the hill.
"You fell! A hee hee a hee hee a hee hee! You fell like a motherfucker!"
The young sparse-mustache guy regains his footing and jumps in the jeep. He floors it.
The jeep pulls the tree down effortlessly.
Big problem. He was too far to the right!
"You fucking Gawt-Dayum idiot!"
The tree spun towards the right. Literally pulled a one hundred and eighty degree turn. Bounced off the house next door (the one not paying for the tree to be cut down) and smashed into the landscaped yard.
The jeep exerted enough force to pull the tree down the hill scraping away bushes, flowers, and decorations of this landscaped yard.
It looks like a tornado touched down across the street.
"Well fucking shit, you dumb bitch. We have to clean this shit up now."
Two hours later, it's 8pm. I'm taking my dog for a walk, and I walk past these guys cutting up this tree and making a pile of debris for the junk pickup to get in the morning.
I nod and say hello.
The old man responds, "You've got some ni--er neighbors over here. Fucking ni--er neighbors gettin' pissed about their fucking yard. Fuck them!"
I wanted to give them a piece of my mind, but I didn't think they could handle it. They probably would have reacted the same way a rabid animal would if I tried to reason with it.
And that's why I hate people.
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I'm tired of these stories. I want to log onto this forum one fucking time and read one of these bullshit stories that has a happy ending. A real happy ending. Not a "I was going to, but then I remembered I wasn't on the internet".
The world is going to shit because you pussies won't hit a bitch in the mouth.
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I'm tired of these stories. I want to log onto this forum one fucking time and read one of these bullshit stories that has a happy ending. A real happy ending. Not a "I was going to, but then I remembered I wasn't on the internet".
The world is going to shit because you pussies won't hit a bitch in the mouth.
Hey! It's not like I didn't want to kick the guy square in the teeth!
But my dog was sniffing some unknown small object, and I had to make kissy noises to get her away from it!
And then, I had to reward her with, "Dats a goooOOOOoood guurrrllll!"
So get off my fucking back!
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65 between Bham and Montgomery down to one lane for a spell.
Bug signs announce this. Signs with lighted arrows. State troopers with cans blazing.
People get into the right lane and creep along at 5 mph.
Stupid mommy part in a white Chevy SUV comes flying up on the left. 20 yards from the bottleneck where there really is only one lane she skids to a stop and puts her blinker on. Apparently the lane closing is a surprise to her.
Fuck this bitch. I nose my car as close to the truck in front of me as I can get.
Undeterred she angles toward my car. Nope. Sorry. I keep creeping forward.
He'd headlight now mere inches from my window she hits the horn.
I don't acknowledge her.
Douche behind me lets her in.
She rides up on my trunk. Horn again. I wave.
Window comes down. Blonde hair and fat face lean out. Chubby bird with bright red fingernail flies.
One guess what the tag on the front of her chevy says.
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One guess what the tag on the front of her chevy says.
How many guesses do I get?
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I'm tired of these stories. I want to log onto this forum one fucking time and read one of these bullshit stories that has a happy ending. A real happy ending. Not a "I was going to, but then I remembered I wasn't on the internet".
The world is going to shit because you pussies won't hit a bitch in the mouth.
Recently, while trimming some bushes in my backyard, my neighbor Patti looked over the fence and asked if I had any blank videocassettes. When I told her that I did, she asked if I'd bring one over. I was a bit surprised, for although I had lived next door to Patti and her husband Steve for over a year, I had never been asked inside their house.
Patti met me at the door wearing a thin white T-shirt with no bra underneath. She is twenty-seven, a very beautiful, well-tanned girl with a tight-looking ass and a beautiful set of tits. I could plainly see her nipples under her T-shirt as she ushered me into the den. She said that when she'd seen me outside, she was reminded of a videotape she'd been wanting to make.
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One guess what the tag on the front of her chevy says.
First guess.
(http://www.scottsales.net/images/ssthumbs/ST2028.jpg)
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You were expecting it to be a tide tag.
Nope.
Mt Something (Pleasant maybe?) Baptist Church. Cross in the middle. Words above and below.
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You were expecting it to be a tide tag.
Nope.
Mt Something (Pleasant maybe?) Baptist Church. Cross in the middle. Words above and below.
I wasn't expecting it to be a tide tag. I was expecting you to say it was a tide tag.
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Do you really have to have a reason to hate someone now days? Can't you just be an equal opprotunity hater and just hate someone just because? The answer to those will determine if I need to start looking for a reason on some.
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I would've walked outside with this on my right side
(http://www.kingdomarms.com/store/images/_products/Glock23.jpg)
This on my left side
(http://www.remtek.com/arms/glock/model/9/26/26.gif)
I would have asked those fuckers if they had a motherfucking problem.
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Recently, while trimming some bushes in my backyard, my neighbor Patti looked over the fence and asked if I had any blank videocassettes. When I told her that I did, she asked if I'd bring one over. I was a bit surprised, for although I had lived next door to Patti and her husband Steve for over a year, I had never been asked inside their house.
Patti met me at the door wearing a thin white T-shirt with no bra underneath. She is twenty-seven, a very beautiful, well-tanned girl with a tight-looking ass and a beautiful set of tits. I could plainly see her nipples under her T-shirt as she ushered me into the den. She said that when she'd seen me outside, she was reminded of a videotape she'd been wanting to make.
Well? What about the happy ending?
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65 between Bham and Montgomery down to one lane for a spell.
Bug signs announce this. Signs with lighted arrows. State troopers with cans blazing.
People get into the right lane and creep along at 5 mph.
Stupid mommy part in a white Chevy SUV comes flying up on the left. 20 yards from the bottleneck where there really is only one lane she skids to a stop and puts her blinker on. Apparently the lane closing is a surprise to her.
Fuck this bitch. I nose my car as close to the truck in front of me as I can get.
Undeterred she angles toward my car. Nope. Sorry. I keep creeping forward.
He'd headlight now mere inches from my window she hits the horn.
I don't acknowledge her.
Douche behind me lets her in.
She rides up on my trunk. Horn again. I wave.
Window comes down. Blonde hair and fat face lean out. Chubby bird with bright red fingernail flies.
One guess what the tag on the front of her chevy says.
Sounds like you came through my neck of the woods. Hell, a couple of times lately when I'm coming home from practice, traffic is at a standstill at 8 mutherfucking thirty at night, and I have to get off and complete my journey on Hwy 31.
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Long day. Stopped at a large BBQ restaurant on the outskirts of Birmingham to get dinner. Only one othe person in there.
Select a booth in the middle of a row as far from the cashier as I can get. Enjoying my meal in solitude.
Fatty Family enters. Enormous shuffling man. Hippo woman. Two screaming brats in two.
Where do these fucks sit? Behind me. There are 29 other choices of seating. I counted. They wedge in behind me.
Fat daddy collapses into the booth with such force my face is almost driven into my plate.
Fat brat kids immediately begin squealing. Fat mom and dad are snuffling at their food like rabid hogs and occasionally yelling at kids through mouthfuls.
Fat kid adds bucking to his screaming repitoire. Repetitive kicks to the back of the booth.
Food begins to fly. A piece of a fry lands on my table. Then okra rains.
Fat mom and dad are heads down into their troughs.
I hear a glass crash and the sound of cascading liquid.
Dad bellows "GAAADAMMIT, I done tole you ta QUIT PLAYIN'"
Kid elevates screaming to shrieking.
Meal half eaten, I give up, get up and dump it in the trash.
Fat Daddy's stretched neck XXXXL tshirt was crimson.
I have actually lived a similar incident or two myself. Was this, by chance, Golden Rule in Calera?
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Long day. Stopped at a large BBQ restaurant on the outskirts of Birmingham to get dinner. Only one othe person in there.
Were you wearing one of your numerous $100 ties?
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Recently, while trimming some bushes in my backyard, my neighbor Patti looked over the fence and asked if I had any blank videocassettes. When I told her that I did, she asked if I'd bring one over. I was a bit surprised, for although I had lived next door to Patti and her husband Steve for over a year, I had never been asked inside their house.
Patti met me at the door wearing a thin white T-shirt with no bra underneath. She is twenty-seven, a very beautiful, well-tanned girl with a tight-looking ass and a beautiful set of tits. I could plainly see her nipples under her T-shirt as she ushered me into the den. She said that when she'd seen me outside, she was reminded of a videotape she'd been wanting to make.
This started my day off with a hearty chortle.
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You know, its 2000 freaking 11 here. We have cell phones that will record every thing. Some of you need to start using them.
Especially you Mr. Video Tape Guy!
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I have actually lived a similar incident or two myself. Was this, by chance, Golden Rule in Calera?
Full Moon. Not sure where, but down 65 on the left. Shopping center with a Belk, Dollar Store, Hibbets, Chick Fil A.
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Full Moon. Not sure where, but down 65 on the left. Shopping center with a Belk, Dollar Store, Hibbets, Chick Fil A.
Alabastard
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Were you wearing one of your numerous $100 ties?
I wipe my ass with $100 ties.
Pancaldi, Armani, Ferragamo. I like Italian shit.
And no, Wal Marto is not Italian I don't care what the girl in the vest told you when you bought the $1.39 tie to go with your suit.
Go fuck your goat, updyke.
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Well? What about the happy ending?
Well, turns out that "Patti" is actually Patrick, and now his alimentary canal done been dredged.
Fin
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Well, turns out that "Patti" is actually Patrick, and now his alimentary canal done been dredged.
Fin
You got video on that?
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You got video on that?
There would be film, but Pat's kid forgot to hit the "record" button
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I like Italian shit dicks.
OH SNAP!
I'm so fucking witty...