Tigers X - Number one Source to Talk Auburn Tigers Sports
The Library => Haley Center Basement => Topic started by: Kaos on June 07, 2011, 05:21:34 PM
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Travel reminds me that there are not enough shovels to hit the collective faces that need shoveling.
Sitting in the airport waiting on a flight, minding my own business and reading SI. Some fuck comes up, flops into the seat on the opposite side of me, whips out his cell phone and begins a conversation. Full volume.
YEAH, I'M IN THE AIRPORT. WAITING ON THE PLANE. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
If I could have gotten a shovel through security, I would have bashed the cell phone into his ear and then smashed out all his teeth. Shut the fuck up, dude.
No shovel, so I move. Another loud ass fuck parks a seat over, whips out the cell and starts blabbing. He's got earphones and a mike so he's screaming into his chest. With a shovel? I'd have buried that mic in his lungs.
Move again.
Floppy hat lady begins walking and talking. Again full volume. No escape.
Plane delayed. All babble for hours. I wish for a meteor strike.
Plane finally shows up. Was going to have a two hour layover. Now? Might not make the connection. They stop the plane on the tarmac, 200 yards from the entrance. We're at gate E36. I have to make gate C34. I have six minutes. I ask the stewardess if she can let them know I'm coming. She says no. If I have a shovel, she's walking with a limp the rest of her life.
Run -- literally OJ it -- from E36 to C34. One of the carts hauling old people honks at me as I try to dodge through the space. Shovel? The driver would be without her weave.
Get to the gate. Plane has not departed! I'm out of breath, panting. And I say "Jesus Fucking Christ, that was a long way to run. I can't believe those sonsabitches had me haul ass through the airport like that. Mother fuck." Guy in front of me turns around. His black suit is actually a priest's attire. Collar and all. A look of reproach, but I ignore him.
In an amazing coincidence, I'm seated in the same row as the priest. Next to him. The other side of me is Haji Baba. Speaks no english. First thing he does is try to pry open the McDonald's sundae he carried on board and waste the whole package of nuts all over my lap.
"JESUS, dude..." I draw another look of scorn from Father Flightplan.
Fifteen minutes into the flight, Haji Baba takes off his shoes. Now in addition to the stench of the McD's meal he half consumed, I'm smelling the stench of sour Fritos wafting up from the floor.
I can't take it. "Could you put your shoes on?" I tell him. He smiles and nods. "Shoes. On" I point at my foot. He smiles and nods. "SHOES. ON!" He smiles and nods. Fuck it.
Ten minutes later, Haji Baba is asleep. He keeps flopping over on me. I keep shoving him back the other way. The priest won't look at me. I think about hitting him in the back of the head with a shovel.
Finally land.
Immediately a cacophony of cell phones and numbfucks screaming into them. It's 2 in the fucking morning. Who are they calling? Haji Baba calls somebody. "Bimby pimby, nahnoo nah!" I hope that means "my feet fucking reek" in Hindarian or whatever he speaks. I'd use a special shovel on Haji Baba. I'd bash every cell phone on the plane into oblivion.
Bag collection uneventful.
Need a cab. It's 2:30 now. Three people in the cab line. Some Guido, Haji Baba and me. Guido gets a cab. Haji gets a cab. *Crickets* 20 minutes... 30 minutes....airport now deserted.
Battered mini-van screams up. No markings at all. Older guy with wild hair rolls down the window waves a clipboard in my direction and says "I'ssa cab. Get in and I'll find a cab for you..." What? What does that mean?
3 a.m. No other options in sight. So I open the side door.
Back seats of the van are gone. Just the middle bench remains. There's no meter. In the back is a box of black plastic bags, two bottles of bleach and a bag of rags. There's a roll of duct tape hanging off his gear shift. I've seen enough Dexter to know what that means. But it's 3 a.m., I'm tired as fuck and I figure he's old enough that if I keep my eye on him I can fight his ass off if he tries to make a move.
We drive around. He jibber jabbers, I don't understand half of it because of the accent. He goes to the taxi dispatch area, drives through, blows the horn at a cab sitting there idling and drives off.
"Thassa guy ASS-hole, real sonzabeech!" he tells me.
And then he drives me straight to the hotel and unloads the bags. I try to give him $40 and he won't take it. Takes $20 after I insist.
Him? I figured he was gonna shovel me. But I wouldn't shovel him.
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I call that "Every Sunday Night."
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So I'm at the hotel. It's going on 4. I have to meet some people at 6:30 for breakfast. Jeez.
As I get to the hotel, however, I realize that due to all the delays and rushing, I haven't eaten in about 12 hours. I'm damn hungry.
So at check in I ask the guy if there is any place I could grab something quick. He says there is a trailer a block down, supposedly been there since the mid 1800s.
So I walk a block. Actual trailer. Pulled by a semi. Sitting in the middle of the road. Silver. Burgers. Fries. Amazing. When I come blinking out of the hotel less than two hours later, the "restaurant" is gone. Was it ever there? I can't honestly say.
Do the meeting at 6:30. Have a presentation at 8. Another at 12. Another at 3. Done at 5. Am the walking dead. Invited to go for drinks with some of the people -- and some of the ladies are not unattractive. But I pass. I'm whacked. Got to sleep.
Get back to the hotel. All I want to do is sleep. My room on the fourth floor overlooks a terrace. It's really pretty. Tonight? It's hosting a reception of some kind. Loud thumping music. Lots of chatter. Sleep? Impossible.
Look out the window and notice lots and lots of dudes. Only a few ladies.
WAIT... WHAT THE FUCK! THAT'S NO LADY!!!
It's "the biggest baddest gay bash of the year, a reception dedicated to raising funds for AIDS research."
Unbelievable. See photo of six dudes attached.
Thankfully the queens settled down about 11.
Later this week I return. Hoping for an uneventful and stench-less flight.
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Look out the window and notice lots and lots of dudes. Only a few ladies.
WAIT... WHAT THE eff! THAT'S NO LADY!!!
It's "the biggest baddest gay bash of the year, a reception dedicated to raising funds for AIDS research."
Unbelievable. See photo of six dudes attached.
Reminds me a little of Toronto when I first started traveling there. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that the city was 50+% gay. They're just more in-your-face and open about it up there.
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Seriously K, after that shit, anytime you are in the area I'll buy you a drink. I am usually low key and calm until I reach a certain point. If I went through all that I would have fucking punched somebody the fuck out like Debo style. Good grief.
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You know, I don't mind homosexuals. If a man wants to woman wants to marry a woman? Whatever. If a man likes to take it up the ass? None of my business. But there is one thing about homosexuals that drives me insane. WHY THE FUCK DOES ONE OF THE PAIR HAVE TO DRESS LIKE THE OPPOSITE SEX? "I'm a homosexual, but I'm only going to date a man that looks like a woman"? WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT? It's stupid.
Homosexuals are some of the dumbest people in world.
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Good news.
I did not hallucinate the diner. It's apparently a cherished tradition here.
http://www.quahog.org/attractions/index.php?id=5
(http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5090/5333755549_83d2421c36.jpg)
And it only comes out at night.
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You know, I don't mind homosexuals. If a man wants to woman wants to marry a woman? Whatever. If a man likes to take it up the ass? None of my business. But there is one thing about homosexuals that drives me insane. WHY THE FUCK DOES ONE OF THE PAIR HAVE TO DRESS LIKE THE OPPOSITE SEX?"I'm a homosexual, /b][but I'm only going to date a man that looks like a woman"? WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT? It's stupid.
Homosexuals are some of the dumbest people in world.
You're a homosexual?
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You're a homosexual?
Auburn>Alabama=fags
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If I were a homosexual, I'd be dating the burliest motherfucker this side of the Mississippi River. And he'd be wearing overalls.
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If I were a homosexual, I'd be dating the burliest motherfucker this side of the Mississippi River. And he'd be wearing overalls.
You'd get married in a Unitarian service dressed like stormtroopers. He'd be the butch and you'd be the bitch.
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You'd get married in a Unitarian service dressed like stormtroopers. He'd be the butch and you'd be the bitch.
+15 for being the first (that I've seen) to lay some Jay and Silent Bob quotes down in this bitch.
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+15 for being the first (that I've seen) to lay some Jay and Silent Bob quotes down in this bitch.
You must just mean this thread, cuz this board is littered with quotes from that movie.
It was one of the first films that Uncle Sani and I bonded over. It was a tender moment, but we didn't touch balls.
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Maybe I don't pay close enough attention. Maybe I'm not as distracted by the X as much as I once was, or maybe I just assume every quote here is from a Will Ferrell movie.
Either way, I still award the points.
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Maybe I don't pay close enough attention. Maybe I'm not as distracted by the X as much as I once was, or maybe I just assume every quote here is from a Will Ferrell movie.
What the fuck is the X?
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What the fuck is the X?
The X is a communication tool where people all over the world can come together to bitch about movies and bammers, and share pornography.
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The X is a communication tool where people all over the world can come together to bitch about movies and bammers, and share pornography.
Affleck, you the bomb in Phantoms yo!
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Affleck, you the bomb in Phantoms yo!
No one rules the C.L.I.T like me.
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No one rules the C.L.I.T like me.
I hope one rips the other one's shirt off and we see some fuckin titties floppin around, yeah!
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and share pornography.
Link please.
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Link please.
Yo baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?
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Yo baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?
What's with the knife, we havin' cake or something?
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What a lovely tea party.
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What a lovely tea party.
Tha fuck you waiting for? Start sucking.
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Fucking, we got shot at, we stole a monkey, and I got punched in the motherfucking nuts by a guy named Cock-Knocker.
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Yo baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?
:bugs:
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What's with the knife, we havin' cake or something?
Dude, she called you retarded.
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Dude, she called you retarded.
Yo, this motherfucker ain't one of us. He said he'd fuck a sheep!
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Yo, this motherfucker ain't one of us. He said he'd fuck a sheep!
This movie is gonna make House Party look like House Party 2.
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This movie is gonna make House Party look like House Party 2.
Let's go back to the station house, and cornhole us a drunk.
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Returning to the diary, taking a momentary break from a movie I considered to be utterly shitty...
Airport yesterday there was a large black man surrounded by autograph seekers at one of the bars. It was dark, I couldn't see who it actually was, but one of the people trying to get to into his sphere said he thought it was Chad Ocho Cinco. I have my reservations, but it was somebody.
Meanwhile, less than 20 feet away, the gentleman below dined essentially unnoticed.
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Returning to the diary, taking a momentary break from a movie I considered to be utterly shitty...
Airport yesterday there was a large black man surrounded by autograph seekers at one of the bars. It was dark, I couldn't see who it actually was, but one of the people trying to get to into his sphere said he thought it was Chad Ocho Cinco. I have my reservations, but it was somebody.
Meanwhile, less than 20 feet away, the gentleman below dined essentially unnoticed.
It's grainy at full size...Buffett?
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It's grainy at full size...Buffett?
Look at the file name.
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Look at the file name.
Ah...maybe my computer...but I just can't tell by the pic at all. Thanks.
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You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.
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You need at least 15 pieces.
(http://www.photoinduced.com/wp-content/uploads/flair.jpg)
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You need at least 15 pieces.
(http://www.photoinduced.com/wp-content/uploads/flair.jpg)
Brian has 37 pieces of flair.
(http://blogs.4bauer.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/brian.jpg)
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Brian has 37 pieces of flair.
(http://blogs.4bauer.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/brian.jpg)
You know what, Stan, if you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair, like your pretty boy over there, Brian, why don't you just make the minimum 37 pieces of flair?
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Well, I thought I remembered you saying that you wanted to express yourself.
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WOOOOOO....
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(http://www.photoinduced.com/wp-content/uploads/flair.jpg)
I am so infatuated with her..and have been for 15 years...
(http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://topnews.in/light/files/jennifer-aniston11_1.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.topnews.in/light/people/jennifer-aniston%3Fpage%3D3&usg=__9Yfpm8bq7djD85hu46o9Rd0MRK8=&h=490&w=376&sz=50&hl=en&start=20&sig2=XWu2MFGS7Y3DWC39hSt2dA&zoom=1&tbnid=2oFXaFOT-OcnnM:&tbnh=130&tbnw=100&ei=qxfyTciAI6HL0QHw-o2WDQ&prev=/search%3Fq%3Djennifer%2Baniston%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1429%26bih%3D712%26tbm%3Disch&um=1&itbs=1&biw=1429&bih=712)
(http://www.jenniferanistonfans.com/jennifer_aniston_wallpapers/Jennifer-Aniston-014.jpg)
(http://img.brothersoft.com/screenshots/softimage/j/jennifer_aniston_sexy_screensaver-58362-1.jpeg)
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I am so infatuated with her..and have been for 15 years...
(http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://topnews.in/light/files/jennifer-aniston11_1.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.topnews.in/light/people/jennifer-aniston%3Fpage%3D3&usg=__9Yfpm8bq7djD85hu46o9Rd0MRK8=&h=490&w=376&sz=50&hl=en&start=20&sig2=XWu2MFGS7Y3DWC39hSt2dA&zoom=1&tbnid=2oFXaFOT-OcnnM:&tbnh=130&tbnw=100&ei=qxfyTciAI6HL0QHw-o2WDQ&prev=/search%3Fq%3Djennifer%2Baniston%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1429%26bih%3D712%26tbm%3Disch&um=1&itbs=1&biw=1429&bih=712)
(http://www.jenniferanistonfans.com/jennifer_aniston_wallpapers/Jennifer-Aniston-014.jpg)
(http://img.brothersoft.com/screenshots/softimage/j/jennifer_aniston_sexy_screensaver-58362-1.jpeg)
Agree with you brother. I love some Rachel Green. Aniston hasn't aged much in the last 15 years.
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WOOOOOO....
The Limousine Ridin', Jet Flying, Kiss Stealin', Wheelin' Dealin', Son of a Gun.....
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The Limousine Ridin', Jet Flying, Kiss Stealin', Wheelin' Dealin', Son of a Gun.....
You may not be the first....but you can be next.
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You may not be the first....but you can be next.
Stylin and profilin' babaaayyy! WOOOOO!!!
To be the best, youve got the beat the best.
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Stylin and profilin' babaaayyy! WOOOOO!!!
To be the best, youve got the beat the best.
My favorite Flair moment of all time that I will never forget:
WOOOOO!!! I'm every woman's dream and every man's nightmare. Hey baby! Do you want to ride Space Mountain. Space Mountain may be the oldest ride in the park, but it has the longest line! WOOOOO!!! WOOOOO!!! WOOOOO!!!
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Stylin and profilin' babaaayyy! WOOOOO!!!
To be the best, youve got the beat the best.
Walk that aisle