Not that many of you would admit to it - but they do tend to drag out some total corpses for this finale show, so it can be fun to watch for the "Oh SHIT!" factor.
Tonight was no exception. So here we go...
Intemperate thoughts... by T. Wench.
Joe Cocker. Yes, THE Joe Cocker. The man is only 66 and I know he has always flailed around on stage like Ray Charles with a wedgie, but DAYUM. Fucker is OLD - a lot older than 66 in appearance and actions. He is missing teeth even. He had no fucking clue where he was, missed some words to Get by With A Little Help From My Friends, but was able to just riff along while Lee and Crystal helped him out. He still had the classic Joe Cocker wail when he wanted to, but most of the time he was looking at the two Idol kids like "Who the fuck are you and where is my tapioca?"
The Bee Gees. Seriously. The Bee Gees except for the dead one. I used to think Barry Gibb was the hottest thing on two legs. That gorgeous mane of hair. Those tight spandex pants. Now the hair is long and grey and the gut is massive and the pants were still too tight, but in that creepy not good Cousin Eddie in a leisure suit kind of way. His voice is pretty much shot - too old for the falsetto. And the other one - not the dead one - Maurice? Robin? I forget. Anyway, I don't even think his mike was on. Did he ever sing at all? Not sure and couldn't tell, but they totally mangled Too Much Heaven.
Speaking of not knowing when to give up on your iconic voice... The Favorite Doobie Brother of Tigers X sang Taking It To The Streets... and got his ass kicked by Michael from Idol who sang it with him. McDonald cannot hit a single note - his voice just dies and fades away. I saw him two years ago at a private concert for our golf tournament - small room - and he just sucks. People got up and left. Myself included.
Janet Fucking Jackson. Miss Jackson if you're nasty. And she still is - in a good kind of way. Girl has got an ass that I would give ten years of my life to have had ten years ago. She did one song that I had to convince myself was not her lipsynching to Michael. In fact, I even speculated that Janet is really the dead one, and Michael has taken her place. Anyway, it was kind of weird to hear her sing that - but then she rips off the gown she was wearing and has on a skin tight body suit underneath - and I mean skin tight - and it was NOT a bad thing. Nasty - one of my all time fav songs and one my cheer squad used to dance our way to a championship back in the day - that song kicks ass. She still has the dance moves and it rocked.
Brett Michaels. Speaking of dead guys - he looked great. He obviously lost a lot of weight in ICU because he looks (in the face at least) just like he did back in the day. He and Casey James did Every Rose Has Its Thorn and they did a great job. Brett acted like he has seen the other side and got a second chance at life - I hope he gets away from the skanks and does something for realz.
Chicago. Sucked. S-U-C-K-E-D. The guys on horns were kick ass, but that stupid loser that replaced Peter Cetera was AWFUL. SO BAD. Made me want to just throw up.
Hall and Oates. Lame. LAME. It was like a bad SNL skit. I kept expecting the close up to show Will Farrell and Horatio Sanz. Oates even had on that lame flannel shirt. Hall looks like Brett Michaels and Axel Rose had a fat love child.
Christina Aguillera - looked exactly like Lady Gaga. The song was horrific. Fast forwarded through it after 15 seconds.
Alanis Morrisette - still looks the same as back in the late 80s and mostly sounds the same. She can't hit those high vibratto notes anymore tho.
Carrie Underwood - TOTALLY HOT. New song is awesome. She is gorgeous. Unreal beautiful and talented. Best Idol ever.
Speaking of former Idols - holy shit did Kelly Clarkson get fat or WHAT!!! Ruben Studdard lost a lot of weight - he looks good. Taylor Hicks is still awesome and hot. Fantasia still has fat lips. Jordan Sparks got fatter. And the guy that won last year - Kris Allen, maybe? - is still irrelevant and forgettable.
And since Simon is leaving, of course they brought Paula back. She was as stoned as ever. Some things never change.
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