Okay, so I'll do what you should have done, but couldn't do.
IronMan 2 - Has two directions it could go. It could fall prey to the Transformers 2 curse and while being enormously successful fail to live up to its predecessor. Or, it could follow Batman and Star Wars or even Harry Potter and be both good and successful. I tend to think that this film will lose some of the easy charm that made Iron Man such a cool movie and will end up being a little bloated. But it also loses Terence Howard, who is vastly overrated and frankly, just plain sucks as an actor. So that's a positive. Will end as one of the biggest three movies money-wise of 2010. And will be good fun.
Nightmare on Elm Street - Enough already. Michael Bay as the director guarantees that a lot of shit will blow up. That was fine in Transformers, but even there the action sometimes obliterated the story and it was hard to tell what was going on. That he's attached gives some hope that this won't be a steaming pile of shit like Rob Zombie's Halloween clusterfucks but Bay's already done more than his share of "franchise reboots." He was part of Hitcher, Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw remakes already. None of them were worth the time it took to make them. Enough, bitch. Quit fucking around with this.
Edge of Darkness - We already saw this movie when it was called Payback. Or maybe Ransom. Or Lethal Weapon. No thanks.
The Crazies - We already saw this movie when it was funny as Slither. We already saw this movie when it was called Quarantine. Or Night of the Living Dead. Or 28 Days Later. Or Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead or something of the Dead. Would take a significant actor/actress or something major to elevate it. Fail.
Season of the Witch Nicholas Cage in the 14th Century. Fail-oh-matic. Epochal fail. Faility fail fail. If they were maybe remaking that wacky third Halloween, I could get it. But then Michael Bay or Rob Zombie would be attached, shit would blow up or spatter and it would try to overcome suckage with bombs or gore. Wouldn't suck as bad as this is likely to.
Smokin' Aces II Hey, here's a novel idea. Let's take a movie that really wasn't worth a shit to begin with, get rid of Jeremy Piven, Ben Affleck, Ray Liotta, Andy Garcia, Alicia Keys, Jason Bateman and anybody else worth a fiddling fuck, replace them with Tom Berenger and a bunch of no-name fucks and make a movie with 1/3 the budget. Yeah. This is the fail of all fucking fails. You realize this shit-fest was booted out of theater rotation and is going STRAIGHT TO DVD, right? Yeah, that's a major sign of success for a film. I really want to rush out and, well, I can't rush out and see it because nobody's showing it. What a fucking fail fest. Zero on a scale of 1 to 5. That this fuck-tastick fuckity fuck is on the list pretty much sets the bar. At zero.
Green Zone Looks like another "American government is shady" type movie, but appears to have potential. So far on the list, the only one other than Ironman that looks seriously promising. Damon has done a much better job at picking roles than his buddy Affleck, but Ben one upped him in the wife department.
Kick Ass - Good potential, but how many times have you seen movie studios fuck up good potential. Strike one here is Nicktheass Cage. Strike two is Nicktheass Cage. It's got a 1 in 3 chance of living up to its premise.
The Wolfman Interesting casting. Hopkins lends credence to whatever he appears in. This one has potential.
Robin Hood Saw this before when it was called Braveheart. Or Gladiator. Or King Arthur. Or Robin Hood. When the only thing you have to add to a story is to make it bloodier and more violent, there's no need to tell it. This movie will probably draw well, but it's useless. Fucking useless.
Prince of Persia - Looks boring. Didn't even finish watching the trailer. But it's Disney-made so it will probably turn out better than expected like Pirates of the Caribbean did. Or it could turn out shitty like that cartoon about the black frog or whatever they just put out. Completely meh here. Jake G does nothing for me, either. Not much of an actor and his sister is worse. Glad that bitch died in Batman so she can't pollute future films.
The A-Team Fuck this. The fake Mr. T just pisses me off. Liam's struggle to have anything resembling an American accent is also a dud. I vote no. And no again.
Grown Ups If there was a grade lower than F, this would get it. This is like Satan had a nightmare. Kevin James -- zero fun, sir. Adam Sandler - ran out of fun 15 years ago. Rob Schneider - has sucked ass since the day of his birth, except when he was makin' copies. David Spade - 15 minutes called, his was up years ago. What the bleeding fuck is Chris Rock doing slumming in this dreadful shit? How many other washed up SNL alums can you cram into this shit fest? Where's Maya Rudolph? Norm MacDonald? Tim Meadows? Collin Quinn? Oh, right. They're all in this trainwreck, too. I hope Satan wakes up before this god awful nightmare actually makes it to the screen.
Despicable Me - Animated movies have become so prolific that they're not longer guaranteed. This appears to have a decent premise, but based on the little bit the trailer showed the execution is going to be somewhat lacking.
Solomon Kane Seen this before, too, under some other name. It was shitty then and it will be shitty now.
52 Replies
14030 Views