Terrorists shut Nike HQ
AP -- Nike headquarters was closed today due to a terrorist threat.
Nineteen stumblebums wearing t-shirts with the sleeves cut out and trucker hats, all of whom were sporting mullets and tobacco stained teeth rushed the building early this morning.
Police negotiators are on the scene. They brought in a translator to deal with the terrorist leader.
The following is an excerpt from their communication.
Translator: What are your demands.
Terrorist: Uhhh, ya'll gots any brew? Meunda boyz izza teench dry. Anna coupla kinsa skoal mebbe?
Translator (to negotiator): **Umm, I believe they want some beer and perhaps a tin of chewing tobacco?**
Translator: Okay, gentlemen. We'll start working on that right away. Would a six pack of Samuel Adams suffice?
Terrorist: Hayull no, dipstick. Casea natty, dammit.
Translator: Ok. Understood. While we're getting this handled for you, can you tell us what it is you want from Nike.
Terrorist: Dem bassids keep suckin' up tooda fukken Aubies widdis Bo Jaskon bullsheyat. Hows about dem fukkers make up a shoe for the rightly fukken KANG of football? Huh? Why come dere ain't no BAHR BRYUNT (praise be to BAHR) goldamm shoes? Where's the fukken HOUNDSTOOTH tennis shoe motherFUKKER?
Translator (to negotiator): ** They say they're going to kill all the hostages and then have sex with the dead bodies. They also say cops are stupid queers. And that Ronald Reagan was a puss. **
Negotiator: Forget the tear gas, boys. Put up the rubber bullets. We're going in locked and loaded. Take 'em down.
SWAT teams just entered the building, there were gunshots and from the street we can hear noises that sound like pigs squealing.
More as it develops.
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