Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[GH2001]

The Highwaymen

Netflix moving teaming Kevin Costner and Woody Harrelson as the former Texas Rangers who teamed up to take down Bonnie and Clyde. 

The film tried really hard to de-romanticize the killer duo and in doing so took some creative liberties.  While it's cool and all to portray Bonnie as a stone-cold killer the truth was she may never have even fired a gun.  Where prior Bonnie and Clyde films have all been shot from the perspective of the doomed couple, this film stayed almost exclusively with the viewpoint of Frank Hamer and Maney Gault, the two retired Texas Rangers who were brought back into play for the express purpose of tracking down -- and killing -- the two outlaws.  In fact, Bonnie and Clyde are little more than bit players in this film. No speaking lines. Their nondescript faces don't even show except for a brief second when they realize what's coming at the end.

The film meandered along to its already well known conclusion, adding nothing new but fabricated details.  Gruff Costner and broken Harrelson had an easy old-man chemistry that carried what was otherwise a pretty lightweight film.  That's about all there was to it, really.  Costner and Harrelson playing off each other in what could have been a movie about practically any road trip.

Kathy Bates shows up looking like boiled hell as the Texas Governor.

Just not that much to recommend.

From what ive read, this version above is much closer to how it actually was. Romanticized is probably not a strong enough word for the tale of Bonnie and Clyde. 

Even more romanticized is the fight at the OK Corral. It was seriously much of nothing. Hollywood does a good job of making it the stuff of legend. Much disappoint to all the Tombstone fanboys of the world.  

[Saniflush]

Spiderman: Into the Multiverse

Not sure what I expected, but I was pleasantly surprised.  It was funny, it was dramatic, it was touching.  Marvel/Sony really knows how to make superhero movies -- even when they're animated. 

One of the better movies I've seen in a while. Don't know why it took me so long to watch it.

Good to hear this.  I had seen it on teh netflix and breezed past it.

[Kaos]

Good to hear this.  I had seen it on teh netflix and breezed past it.

It’s different.  Requires you to just sit back and enjoy it without thinking too much about how it fits into the pantheon or the logical possibilities.  

[AUJarhead]

From what ive read, this version above is much closer to how it actually was. Romanticized is probably not a strong enough word for the tale of Bonnie and Clyde.

Even more romanticized is the fight at the OK Corral. It was seriously much of nothing. Hollywood does a good job of making it the stuff of legend. Much disappoint to all the Tombstone fanboys of the world. 

I took a tour of Tombstone a few years ago, and was disappointed to learn that the Gunfight at the OK Corral actually occurred in the vacant lot behind the OK Corral, but that didn't fit on a Hollywood marquee.

Boothill is pretty much exactly how you would imagine.  Although some of the more famous headstones that you've seen in movies are fake, and put there purely to drive tourism.

[GH2001]

I took a tour of Tombstone a few years ago, and was disappointed to learn that the Gunfight at the OK Corral actually occurred in the vacant lot behind the OK Corral, but that didn't fit on a Hollywood marquee.

Boothill is pretty much exactly how you would imagine.  Although some of the more famous headstones that you've seen in movies are fake, and put there purely to drive tourism.

I was as disappointed as anyone at the  OK coral story. Fuckin Hollywood. 

[Kaos]

I was as disappointed as anyone at the  OK coral story. Fuckin Hollywood.

Wait until you hear about the Nurrahmaid. 

[Kaos]

Robin Hood (2018)

Tried to watch it.  Tend to like Eggsy or whatever his name is.  

This is nothing but pro-Islam propaganda.  Very disappointed in it.  Glad it bombed.  

[The Six]

Robin Hood (2018)

Tried to watch it.  Tend to like Eggsy or whatever his name is. 

This is nothing but pro-Islam propaganda.  Very disappointed in it.  Glad it bombed. 

I haven't seen it, but do tell how they work that agenda in a Robin Hood story.

[wesfau2]

I haven't seen it, but do tell how they work that agenda in a Robin Hood story.

Robin's mentor/trainer is a Moor seeking revenge for the execution of his son by Crusaders.

[Kaos]

Robin's mentor/trainer is a Moor seeking revenge for the execution of his son by Crusaders.

Yeah, they screwed all that up.  Jamie Foxx is Lil John.  Pfffftttt. 

The Sheriff of Nottingham is portrayed as what Hollywood probably sees as Trump.  The threat of the Islamic invasion is dismissed as the ranting of a paranoid schemer.  There's one speech in particular where he sneers about the Muslims infiltrating and taking over the neighborhoods and the government. 

Fucking idiot. That would never happen. 

Oh wait.




The Crusaders were the bad guys, the evil murdering thugs who tortured, abused and murdered prisoners.  The Moors (Islamic Jihad) were the mighty and noble people, defending themselves against an invading force.  Bullshit. 

Did "Robin Hood" really exist?  No, probably not.  But his story is of the working people rising up against an oppressive interim King who did not rule with a just hand.  It's not some apedung about fighting side by side with the fucking Muslims. 

Whatever Hollywood insists on telling you, they want to kill us.  They are currently playing the long game.  Infiltrating cities until they have a majority and begin to impose their own culture over the American way.  So it is written!  It's why you have towns in Michigan and Minnesota that have replaced church bells with that five-times-a-day blaring ass-horn.  It's how somebody like the above got elected in the first place.

This is not the place for this discussion, but what they did with the Robin Hood story was an absolute abomination.  The "Moors" were not the good and noble people.  The English were not the bad guys.  Just another example of demonizing Christianity. 

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

[wesfau2]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhasaaahhshshshshahahahaahahaa

[Kaos]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhasaaahhshshshshahahahaahahaa

Won’t be funny when they kill you first. 

[Kaos]

The Beastmaster

Back in the 1980s, HBO had a limited catalog and hadn't yet branched out into original programming.  As a result, this cheaply made sci-fi fantasy fiction was a semi-permanent fixture on the network.  It aired so often that HBO was known back then as "Hey, Beastmaster's On!"  Later TBS picked it up and played the movie so frequently the network was nicknamed The Beastmaster Station.

The guy who made it was clearly earnest.  He wanted to make a sweeping bare-chested heroic sword-fighting epic, He peppered it with wild animals, attractive people, mystic sorcery, lots of peril and sweeping vistas. He put his heart and soul into it. But there were so many issues that kept it from reaching the heights the director clearly desired.  The dialogue was terribly cheesy and delivered so flatly by the entire cast. The Beastmaster himself, Marc Singer, (while very fit) was a terrible actor. Rip Torn, as the antagonist Priest Maax, hammed it up to the point of ridiculousness. Tanya Roberts (Beastmaster's cousin/lover-to-be) was terrible.  The animals were difficult to work with. The budget/creative choices/decisions were highly questionable. All this led to some of the most unintentionally funny scenes in the history of the heroic fantasy genre that was strong at that time.  The dialogue and action was so clumsy and cheesy that it bears comparison with the cornball antics of Batman in the 1966 TV series.  It was that hokey. 

Despite that, I watched this movie so many times in various stages of intoxicated stupor and/or fervent ardor (with a variety of 'dates' invited over for meal and a movie before Netflix and Chill was invented) that I grew to love it.  Maybe I love it precisely because I know it's terrible.

Over the years I've learned a few things about the film that I find interesting.  Some things to look for that add to the hilarity.

1) Singer (Dar/Beastmaster in the movie) had a sidekick that was originally supposed to be a black panther.  Unfortunately panthers proved difficult to work with so they painted an aged tiger black instead.  At various times the tiger was thirsty and washed the black off his face. Others he rubbed it off.  Sometimes you can see his stripes through the paint.  There are also numerous shots of his eagle pal soaring around.  The eagles didn't cooperate either and in order to get those shots, they had to throw them out of hot air balloons (true story).

2) At one point Dar is unconscious and his dog is dragging him to safety.  The dog gets tired of performing and takes a break, but Dar/Singer's inert body keeps on sliding along.  Later the dog is supposed to be dead but is clearly breathing.

3) John Amos.  Big Daddy James from Good Times is in fine form here as Dar's eventual traveling companion/ally in battle.  His big fake laugh is worth the price of admission alone.  But you've also got his wooden dialogue and serious steely glares as added benefits.

4) Tanya Roberts' boobs.  She can't act a lick, but she boob flops early on just because.

5) Inspiration for George R.R.R.R.R. Martin.  One of Dar's talents is that he can occupy the mind of animals (Beastmaster, duh) and see through their eyes.  So yeah, Martin simply stole that and called it 'warging' for Game of Thrones.  Unlike GoT, however, the ability to warg actually serves some real purpose in Beastmaster.  In GoT it was just another plot device abandoned without ever really paying off.  Here, his abilities help drive the narrative and provide meaning to the final showdown.  The fiery moat also looked really familiar.

6) Kodo and Podo.  Weasel thieves.  When they chew through branches and thick ropes to advance the plot... ha!

7) Really bad action choreography.  There's a lot of sword-on-sword battling here.  But it's bad.  The battle with Rip Torn (Priest Maax) and his minions at the top of the temple is particularly hideous.  Watch in wonder as Maax whirls away from killing the girl to threating somebody else. And then stare in amazement as one of the minions stands there with his sword raised waiting an interminable time for Dar to execute some not-so-deft move and get around to staubing him.  And then Big Daddy James bellows "fight to the top" when there's nobody left to fight, so they just sort of squat there. 

8) Sexy snake women.  There are three witches who writhe around a bubbling pot and spew prophecies.  One of the witches is the future bride of Wayne Gretzky, the mega hot Janet Jones of the 80s (look it up), her facial features obscured by an awful leathery mask.

9) Eye Ring - The eye ring utilized by Maax to spy on Dar and his band of rebels was probably the best special effect in the film.  The eye in the ring moved and looked real.  The shot of Big John Amos glaring down into it and being seen in the cauldron of the witches is epic.

10) We must fight!  No! We must flee!  Fantastic dialogue. Fantastically bad.  So many horrible awful quotes from this movie, some of which I keep in my bag of verbal responses (much like lines from Raising Arizona) to drag out when I wish to amuse myself and confuse others.  Well. Okay, then. 

This movie is bad from start to finish.  And yet somehow, I love it. I love it for nostalgic reasons that I'm unable to clearly define.  I know it's terrible, but I'd gladly watch it right now again. 

Currently available on Amazon Prime.

[Snaggletiger]

Couldn't sleep and at 2:00 a.m. Saturday morning, I came across the most glorious B- movie evah, Piranhaconda.  Yep, a bunch of 40 foot snakey things with a piranha face.  The movie was such a bad B flick that the plot was that the mutant snake was attacking a bunch of actors and directors on location in Hawaii...making a B movie.  The plot went even went deeper into B'ness when the "bad guys" were all Mexican....in Hawaii.  There were classic lines like:

Guy:  I heard about some genetic mutation experiments around here years ago.

Girl:  Yes, I read that on the internet.

Guy:  So then it's true.

The big chase scene was also a classic with the actors speeding down the road at 90 m.p.h. and off in the distance behind them, you can see a stretched out, toy snake photoshopped into a field.  Glorious.  I couldn't stop watching.  Beware the Piranhaconda.

[The Six]

Rewatched 1997's I Know What You Did Last Summer last weekend. After a first act/setup that sets mood, tension, and characters, this movie totally unravels. Second act is too long and full of stupid red herrings. Third act is too full of implausibilities and undercuts first act character and tension. Fail. 

[Kaos]

Crawl

If you've seen the trailer for this hurricane and gator-infested horror thriller you know exactly what you're getting.  The trailer spells it out for you in paint-by-numbers fashion and there there are approximately zero surprises as the protagonists battle mother nature and father gator. 

Father and daughter are trapped in the crawlspace of a Florida home as a Category 5 hurricane bears down and the nearby lake's massive gators swarm in the rapidly rising floodwaters.  Both battle the lizards and endure some pretty gruesome injuries over the course of the fight. 

The movie did a good job of keeping you in the moment except for when it strayed into the father-daughter fractured relationship tripe.  I guess that was supposed to make you care about the characters, but it didn't at least for me.  It was tight and tense from the moment the girl found her injured dad under the house.  Some of the action was improbable enough to scoff at, but the dual battle against the flood and the big gators provided constant peril with little break over the final two thirds of the film.  The choice between drowning and fighting a massive reptile was a difficult one and done well. 

The hurricane was fairly well represented.  I was reasonably impressed with the manner in which they were able to somewhat accurately portray the wind, rain, flooding and destruction that would take place.  Only beef was the level of chaos was more like a Cat 2 at best.

Also pretty impressed with the CGIgators.  At first I was skeptical of the roaring noises, but a little research showed that they do roar.  Probably not as much as the ones in this film, but they do. 

All in all a relatively entertaining movie with enough peril to keep you interested. 

Complaints?  What house has that much going on under it?  And the enormous Batman-sized tunnel to the outside?  Really?  Also, the ending was abrupt and seriously failed to deliver after such a protracted battle. 

[Godfather]

Men in Black International

Almost went to see this in the theatres, glad I didn't.  Wasn't bad just wasn't really anything, just another Men in Black movie nothing stood out and I thought it was kind of missing the campiness of the Will Smith ones.  Verdict: watch it on cable.

[chinook]

Men in Black International

Almost went to see this in the theatres, glad I didn't.  Wasn't bad just wasn't really anything, just another Men in Black movie nothing stood out and I thought it was kind of missing the campiness of the Will Smith ones.  Verdict: watch it on cable.

i don't have cable.

[Kaos]

Once Upon A Time In Hollywood
I have a fondness for Quentin Tarrantino movies.  Res Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill, Django are all fun, fantastic films.  Among the reasons I like them so much are the borderline brilliant dialogue exchanges, the over-the-top characters who deliver that dialogue, the unconventional pacing, the attention to detail in the settings and backgrounds, the quirky musical choices and the way he inserts his love of the old spaghetti-western into the overall feel of the movie. 

Unfortunately for this movie has very little of what made Tarrantino's prior films great. 

Oh, he showcases his love for women's feet more than once.  There's a ham-fisted homage to the Italian western movie genre. But the rest?  Pffffffttttt. 

The story allegedly focuses on the relationship between Leonardo DiCaprio's Rick Dalton and his stunt double Cliff Booth (Brad Pitt, looking way too much like Robert Redford for comfort).  Dalton is at the beginning of the end of his career and the film follows his descent and how he and Booth navigate that decline.  Instead it just meanders all over the place and never really gives credence or substance to any of it. 

The problem with the movie is that it just doesn't reach that Tarrantino-level of clever back and forth dialogue that could have given its interminable (nearly three hour) run-time any substance.  It just slowly meanders to a revisionist conclusion that makes the murder of Hitler in Inglorious Basterds seem minor in comparison. 

When somebody like QT does a movie, the tendency is to give them more credit or benefit of the doubt, but if you strip away his involvement and the gravity it should lend, what you really have is an overly, overly, overly long movie about absolutely nothing, one that goes nowhere for hours upon hours before screeching to an utterly bullshit, batshit history-trashing end. 

It's a beautifully shot, beautifully acted film that in the end offers the viewer nothing of value.  If you watch it, do so only for the nostalgic drift through a pretty perfect representation of 1969 Hollywood that is the background of the movie and the constant references to the cultural icons of that era (including Mannix, Batman, cigarette ads, Big Valley, Paul Revere and the Raiders, etc.).  The rest is just overstuffed, nonsensical fluff.  It's not worthy of a place in the QT canon.  Not by a long shot.

[Kaos]

Widows

How do you take a movie with Michelle Rodriguez, Liam Neeson, Shane from Walking Dead, Viola Davis, Robert Duvall, Colin Farrell, the impossibly delicious Elizabeth Debicki, Carrie Coon, the guy from Get Out, and Lukas Haas and completely screw it up? 

Believe it or not?  They found a way. 

This was an absolutely terrible, horrible, worthless movie.  Dumb and unrealistic plot. Bad action sequences. Contrived and nonsensical. 

I'd like to give you a summary, but that would mean actually  being able to do so.  Essentially the widows of a gang of criminals get together to pull off the next heist in their dead husbands planner.  There are side stories about elections, black preachers, political nepotism, a naked Mike McClintock from Veep getting spanked, a wheelchair guy in a bowling alley, escort services, a surprise resurrection, relationship racism and white dogs.  None of it fits cohesively into anything resembling a coherent film. 

I could make a better movie.