Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[Kaos]

The new Kingsman is a predictably good time.

Same basic setup as the first film (devious supervillain threatens the mass of humanity), lots of great action and some exciting new American faces.

A really fun cameo in the jungle and the return of a former character (not Harry) help make this the most fun you'll have between Guardians 2 and Star Wars.

Kingsman: The Golden Circle

I can't entirely agree with your assessment. 

The first movie was such a pleasant surprise that it set the bar too high for any sequel to reach.  This one tried, but (almost predictably) failed to achieve the effortless smirking charm of the first original. 

I get that it's a spoof of the James Bond movies with the ridiculously exaggerated villains, exotic set pieces and snappy repartee.  The problem with this one is that it was really overdone.

The movie ran 2:20 with bloated subplots, butterflies, and assorted other wastes.  It could easily have been trimmed to 90 minutes and been cleaner and probably more enjoyable.

I didn't care for any of the American side of the story.  I can't stand the way Jeff "I got me ah gret big ol' dip" Bridges talks.  That mumble mouth, bulldog jaw shit just pisses me off.  Channing Tatum is a waste of flesh.  The fake Burt Reynolds guy was caricature. 

That doesn't mean I wasn't entertained.  I was but just a little.   It either swung too hard or didn't swing hard enough and kept on whiffing. 

The "cameo" in the jungle was the best part of the movie.  The whole jungle set and most of what occurred there was the worst.  Julianne Moore was terrible as the big bad. 

I have no idea who the "not Harry" character was that wes referred to.  Obviously didn't register with me. 

It was a decent movie that suffered from its own infatuation with itself as well as a desire to somehow top what it had previously done.

I think I'll pass if there's a third. 

[wesfau2]

I have no idea who the "not Harry" character was that wes referred to.  Obviously didn't register with me.

Then you weren't paying attention.  He had a robotic arm.

[Kaos]

Then you weren't paying attention.  He had a robotic arm.

Oh.  Gotcha. I didn't care enough about that to consider it.  I knew he was in the first film, but from your comment I was expecting something bigger. 

[Kaos]

SAW V and VI

I thought the series had jumped the shark with Episode V.  It suffered from the almost unavoidable lag and build up of problems that accompanies a film or TV series that's outlived its usefulness. 

In each of the previous versions there was some cleverness and skill involved in the traps. There was an underlying meaning, a reason for the madness so to speak.  Saw V was basically just meanness.  Of course there was a reason for that, but without the background it was more like running in place.  Here are some traps, watch people struggle with them, but leave out the behind the scenes rationales. I did enjoy the fact that Rita (from Dexter) was in it, but I'm reminded again just how limited she is. 

Saw VI got the bus back rolling.  In all of the movies except V there's been this moment of "wait... what the FUCK?"  That makes all the rest of the slog through the torture worth it.  Of all the things I admire most in a movie or TV show, it's attention to detail. Finding some small seemingly insignificant thread from an episode back at the beginning and tying it to a broader, bigger event later in the series shows good writing and an ability to craft a cohesive narrative.  Sopranos was one of the best at this.  Breaking Bad also great at it. 

I wonder sometimes if there was a seven (or eight) movie plan or if they just start from where they were and create shit on the fly when they start filming each subsequent movie.  Either way, the writer and directors do a really good job of maintaining continuity.  Each piece fits. 

Saw VI answered a lot of questions I had and answered them in a way I didn't expect.  The end of the road for Easton was not what I assumed.  I did not see that coming.  That's good storytelling.  I got my "what the fuck" moment.  While I correctly surmised what was in Envelope 6, I did not anticipate what was in the letter left for Amanda.  That was another "ohhhhhhh, now I get it" event.

Costas Mandylor is a terrible actor.  He hasn't done anything worth a crap since Picket Fences. He's the weakest part of the series (well, except for the FBI cop who may be worse).   I do like seeing Shawnee Smith and Betsy Russell, though.  They interest me. 

By the time you've reached Saw VI, it's left the minimal psychological torture of the original in the dust and transitioned to the overly complex (to the point of ridiculous) mega traps.  They are so complicated and involved and rely on a near-impossible sense of timing that it kicks me out of the movie and makes me think.  That's not a good thing. 

I expect more of the same in the final chapter (before Jigsaw). 

[Kaos]

Saw VII

Major disappointment.  Even the reveal that Larry had been in on the game all along (which was improbable) didn't overcome the dreadful mix of sadistic murder in this poorly acted, poorly shot, poorly made film.  If it wasn't the worst of the series, it definitely bumped the bottom. 

First, the traps were too elaborate. To imagine that one person, or even a small team, could design and monitor all those working parts and the precision it would take to create each separate component is stretching the bounds of credulity.  It's just not possible. 

Saw (the original) was brutal in its simplicity.  Saw VII was an over-engorged splatterfest that in its quest to layer gore missed the entire point of the exercise.  People were supposed to learn lessons.  There was no real lesson for Dagan, only as series of unsolvable traps that inflicted deadly harm on others. 

Then there was the murder.  Over and over and over.  The parade of killing perpetrated by Hoffman was not typical of the series.  Stabbing, shooting, stabbing -- not as part of the games but in pursuit of his own objectives.  That was never part of the equation.  It wasn't clever, it wasn't poetic, it wasn't justified.

I did not like them killing Jill at all. 

The movie very clearly highlighted some of the problems that have been part of the entire series, just in this case there wasn't anything nearly intelligent or surprising enough to cover for it. 

Exhibit a:  Costas Mandylor is a terrible actor.  One of the worst.  He was okay in Picket Fences but has he ever done crap else that was worth even a second look?  Having him tasked with carrying the series was just to much for his complete lack of range. 

Betsy Russell is not good.  I give her a pass, however, because of her astonishingly fantastic work alongside Phoebe Cates in Private School. 

No matter what she does in film or how she ages, she will always be this to me:


The rest of the cast was B-movie level or worse.   The quality of this movie was so bad it almost had a "grindhouse" schlock feel to it. 

It was not a fitting end to the franchise and I have some slim hope that Jigsaw will revive the original's spirit. 

[wesfau2]

The new Blade Runner is really good.

It runs long and isn't particularly fast-paced, but the visuals and the throwback characters are engaging.

[Kaos]

Annabelle: Creation

The creepy doll movies have always seemed a little slow-moving to me and this one was no different. 

There were some good moments, but also some very cliched horror staples.  If a demon is really going to take you, why does it bother to futz around with blinking lights, shifting shadows, middle of the night noises and other time-wasting efforts? 

The spirit that possessed the doll -- and then the child -- didn't have to wait several days and then capture the kid hiding under a barn platform.  The fact that it took more than 2/3 of the movie to get around to the actual possession while it did random clicks, clanks, boos and hoots really took a lot of the steam out of the film.  The blue/black goat look of the demon was also laughable. Really bad choice there.

I found the whole "12 years later we decided to take in a whole orphanage full of girls while we still have a demonic dealio locked up in the house" concept a little shaky. 

I did like how it circled back to the original, but I really hope that in doing so it closed the loop on this horror series.  It never quite achieved its potential.

[GH2001]

Annabelle: Creation

The creepy doll movies have always seemed a little slow-moving to me and this one was no different. 

There were some good moments, but also some very cliched horror staples.  If a demon is really going to take you, why does it bother to futz around with blinking lights, shifting shadows, middle of the night noises and other time-wasting efforts? 

The spirit that possessed the doll -- and then the child -- didn't have to wait several days and then capture the kid hiding under a barn platform.  The fact that it took more than 2/3 of the movie to get around to the actual possession while it did random clicks, clanks, boos and hoots really took a lot of the steam out of the film.  The blue/black goat look of the demon was also laughable. Really bad choice there.

I found the whole "12 years later we decided to take in a whole orphanage full of girls while we still have a demonic dealio locked up in the house" concept a little shaky. 

I did like how it circled back to the original, but I really hope that in doing so it closed the loop on this horror series.  It never quite achieved its potential.

pretty good synopsis - I thought by today's standards it was solid and better than the original (sequel). Compared to the original Halloween or the first couple of Saws? Nah. But still decent. I didn't feel like it was a waste of time like I do with most horror movies.

[Kaos]

Boo 2: A Madea Halloween

I sort of enjoyed the first Boo (reviewed on page 113 of this thread).  I enjoyed Madea's irreverent cracking on father/daughter relationships and the things that scared her and her miscreant crew then. 

This DOA sequel, though?  Everything that sucked about the first one was magnified to the extreme in this. 

The whore bitch daughter?  Unbearable.  Detestable. Hate her with a volcanic passion.
The crusty twerking whore friend? Unwatchable.
The dad of one of the whore bitch daughter's friends? The guy must have pictures of Tyler Perry fucking donkeys or else he'd never have been cast in anything.
The frat fucks? Unspeakably bad.
The lead frat guy who is apparently some YouTube star (whatever that is)? Fucktarded Muslim with a dick for a nose.  Zero humor, just a complete assclown.  What is Perry thinking with this jackoff?
Perry as Brian, the dad? I've seen dead chinchillas give better performances.

Even the things that worked in the original -- Madea's sass, her rag tag friends, Joe's misguided advice -- was flat and stale here. 

I've watched a ton of horrible movies.  I rarely bail, I sit it out in the hopes that something, somehow will save it in the end. 

I left this movie just over halfway through.  There is no excuse for the bottom of the barrel performances, the lame story and the forced dialogue that made up this shit burger of a film. 

I could literally take my iPhone out right now, film random shit for the next 90 minutes, do no editing whatsoever and turn out a better movie than this one was. 

Boo was a mild Halloween treat.  Boo 2 was a hateful trick that sucked so badly it reached back and ruined the original. 

It's among the worst movies I've ever seen.  Me and my crew walked the fuck right out of the theater and that's unusual.

[Godfather]

You know I love you, and I have much respect for you.

But seriously!!!  NO seriously you wasted money to see that.  Next time give me the money and I will drive up and punch you in the nuts.

[Snaggletiger]

You know I love you, and I have much respect for you.

But seriously!!!  NO seriously you wasted money to see that.  Next time give me the money and I will drive up and punch you in the nuts.

Can I film that and do a way behind review?

[Kaos]

You know I love you, and I have much respect for you.

But seriously!!!  NO seriously you wasted money to see that.  Next time give me the money and I will drive up and punch you in the nuts.

The first one was bad, but had an innate niceness to it.  And it had some funny moments.  I gave the sequel a shot on a weekday matinee. 

This one made the fatal mistake of focusing primarily on the bitch-whore hateful daughter, the unfunny dick-nose muslim and the junior-high play level actors that made up the rest of the cast. 

Madea didn't have much to do and even when she, Hattie, Joe and Bam were on screen, they were completely off.  It was a half ass effort. 

Sadly, it did win the weekend box office and looks likely to battle Jigsaw for the top spot again. 

[Kaos]

Jigsaw
When I review a movie it's usually with the understanding that my other half feels essentially the same way I do. We're almost always of like mind on films. On Jigsaw we dissent. 

She found it stretched the bounds of reason beyond repair.  For that reason the best she could give it was "meh." 

I, on the other hand, sort of gave up on the traps, plans and schemes of John Kramer fitting into any rational world.  Yes, it bothers me to a degree but after the first seven films, I knew what I was going to get into when I walked into the theater.  I left satisfied.  Not Morton's satisfied, but Wendy's sated. 

I agree with her that this one was a real reach.  Resurrecting the almost certainly dead John Kramer was a huge gamble. Unless it wasn't.  Adding another assistant into the elaborate web of 5849 other assistants from the prior sequels was another risk.  Unless it wasn't. 

There was some exposition that was a little clumsy.  Some of the rationale for placing victims in the games was extremely weak. The opportunity to learn (a cornerstone of the series) was muddled. 

Matt Passmore is one of the most benign actors on the planet.  He wasn't bad enough to make me wish for Costas Mandylor, but he was just flat enough emotionally to suck the life out of many of his scenes.  There were times I was really, really, really wishing that Michael C. Hall (aka Dexter) had taken his role. 

The plot was just a touch too convenient and clever for its own good.  It suffered from some awkward pacing and sloppy execution (execution, get it?).  The rationale/reasoning was a bit too much. Why go to all that trouble for the final payoff? 

But it was what it was.  It put people at peril in insane ways. It breathed life into John Kramer, unless it didn't.  In the end it was bogged down in the complexity and in the same way many of the sequels imploded, this too was impaled on the stake of convoluted twists.  It, like many of its predecessors, failed to understand that the simplicity of the original (now 13 years old) was what made it work as well as it did. 

I thought it was a reasonably decent attempt to reboot an iconic horror series.  It had its faults, but I got what I wanted out of it.

[Kaos]

Magnificent Seven

Denzel Washington. Chris Pratt. Vincent D'Onofrio. Ethan Hawke. Matt Bomer.

How could this possibly go wrong?

All I know is that it did.  It was plodding, brooding and slow.  It was improbable.  It probably trashed any possible Western renaissance, if there ever was such, with its drudgery.

Denzel looked old and bored.  Not believable at all as a guntoter. Just wandered through this with no direction, no intensity, like he was tired of being there.

What the hell was the bloated Vincent doing with that ridiculous voice?

Hawke seemed completely ill at ease in his own skin and was a terrible choice. He's not a good actor. At all. If you watch this, watch him on the horses. He appears terrified and awkward.

Pratt just smirked and mugged. That's his forte apparently and he did himself no favors here.

The only remotely interesting character in the entire crew was the Asian hairpin guy.

Not even the curiously chastely attractive heaving breasts of Haley Bennett could elevate this dull turkey. 

I wanted to see this movie in the theater but held off based on some tepid reviews.  After finally giving it a shot, I'm glad I waited until it didn't cost me. 

Boo2 has set the new standard for awful movies and this didn't come close to that wretchedness, but by the midpoint I didn't care if I finished watching it or not.  There was no reason to care.

Except for Haley Bennett's breasts.

[Kaos]

The Dark Tower

Hey. I’ve got an idea.  Let’s take all of George R R Martin’s Ice and Fire books and condense them down into one episode of Blossom. 

It’s not going to work.

Neither did this.

In trying to squeeze a complex and nuanced story into a 90 minute sprint, so much was lost that what was left struggled to make any sense whatsoever.  The motivations for any character were never clear or reasonable. The emotional hooks that are supposed to make you care about the players, their objectives or their plights were given a perfunctory swipe and then discarded.

What Walter hoped to achieve was never really given the heft it deserved. Nor was Roland’s solitary role in denying it.  It so briefly touched on the myriad pieces that gave the story its resonance that it failed on every level to connect.  It started, it ended and there was nothing much of substance in between. 

It was like somebody giving a tour of the Smithsonian and going “there’s a dinosaur bone, over here is a shiny rock, there’s a plane somebody flew, that’s a mummy and if you look at that building across the way there are some birds in so just imagine that part. Now bye!”

The performances were fine, I guess. Some of the gun tricks were cool but the rest of the film was so empty they didn’t even really register.

I didn’t hate the movie. There wasn’t enough there to hate. It was the cinematic equivalent of eating a rice cake. You ate something you’re pretty sure. But it had so little flavor it made no impression at all.

[Godfather]

The Dark Tower

Hey. I’ve got an idea.  Let’s take all of George R R Martin’s Ice and Fire books and condense them down into one episode of Blossom. 

It’s not going to work.

Neither did this.

In trying to squeeze a complex and nuanced story into a 90 minute sprint, so much was lost that what was left struggled to make any sense whatsoever.  The motivations for any character were never clear or reasonable. The emotional hooks that are supposed to make you care about the players, their objectives or their plights were given a perfunctory swipe and then discarded.

What Walter hoped to achieve was never really given the heft it deserved. Nor was Roland’s solitary role in denying it.  It so briefly touched on the myriad pieces that gave the story its resonance that it failed on every level to connect.  It started, it ended and there was nothing much of substance in between. 

It was like somebody giving a tour of the Smithsonian and going “there’s a dinosaur bone, over here is a shiny rock, there’s a plane somebody flew, that’s a mummy and if you look at that building across the way there are some birds in so just imagine that part. Now bye!”

The performances were fine, I guess. Some of the gun tricks were cool but the rest of the film was so empty they didn’t even really register.

I didn’t hate the movie. There wasn’t enough there to hate. It was the cinematic equivalent of eating a rice cake. You ate something you’re pretty sure. But it had so little flavor it made no impression at all.

Why is the tower dark?  Did they forget to pay the electric bill?

[Snaggletiger]

Why is the tower dark?  Did they forget to pay the electric bill?

I just flew in from Boston.  Boy, are my arms tired.   

[The Six]

Saw Thor Ragnarok.
Big dumb fun unless you pay attention to the subtext which I can summarize as:
"Hey, America! F*** you! You're the reason the world sucks you bunch of tyrannical bastards!
Why don't all the old white men DIE so the wominz can take over? Also, men are mostly stupid or evil."

[Snaggletiger]

Suburbicon

Took off today. The wifey is out of town. Took my balls with her.  Kid is in school.  I think I'll check out a movie.  I had seen the previews to this one several times and thought it looked at least minimally entertaining.  I walked out at exactly the 40 minute mark. Only the second time in my life I've walked out in the middle of a movie.

Who in the blazing, blue-ball fuck thought this would be....well....good?  I don't know what to say? Set in the 60's.  Suburbicon is the quintessential all-white town.  Cookie-cutter houses, 15X15 lawns etc.  It starts with a black family moving in.  The neighbors don't like it.  They complain.  They keep showing the black mother and her son out in the yard and people staring at them.  And that, my friends, is as far as they developed that story line in 40 minutes.

Matt Damon lives next door with his wife, her sister (Because wife is paralyzed) and their son.  A couple of thugs break in wind up killing the wife.  Damon and sister start fucking. And that, my friends, is as far as they developed that story line in 40 minutes.

That would be the sum total of what happened in 40 minutes of Suburbicon.  I don't care if at the 41 minute mark, it turned into an all out orgy in the neighborhood, Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared and started banging the black chick on a Harley while chasing the Predator alien through the countryside and Jennifer Lawrence also appeared and suddenly could act. I would rather watch Bama/Mississppi State highlights from 2005-2008 than spend another minute with this piece of shit. 

Again...who said, "Yeah, we've made a good one.  Unleash it on the public."

[Kaos]

Suburbicon

Took off today. The wifey is out of town. Took my balls with her.  Kid is in school.  I think I'll check out a movie.  I had seen the previews to this one several times and thought it looked at least minimally entertaining.  I walked out at exactly the 40 minute mark. Only the second time in my life I've walked out in the middle of a movie.

Who in the blazing, blue-ball fuck thought this would be....well....good?  I don't know what to say? Set in the 60's.  Suburbicon is the quintessential all-white town.  Cookie-cutter houses, 15X15 lawns etc.  It starts with a black family moving in.  The neighbors don't like it.  They complain.  They keep showing the black mother and her son out in the yard and people staring at them.  And that, my friends, is as far as they developed that story line in 40 minutes.

Matt Damon lives next door with his wife, her sister (Because wife is paralyzed) and their son.  A couple of thugs break in wind up killing the wife.  Damon and sister start fucking. And that, my friends, is as far as they developed that story line in 40 minutes.

That would be the sum total of what happened in 40 minutes of Suburbicon.  I don't care if at the 41 minute mark, it turned into an all out orgy in the neighborhood, Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared and started banging the black chick on a Harley while chasing the Predator alien through the countryside and Jennifer Lawrence also appeared and suddenly could act. I would rather watch Bama/Mississppi State highlights from 2005-2008 than spend another minute with this piece of shit. 

Again...who said, "Yeah, we've made a good one.  Unleash it on the public."

George Clooney said it. 

Also. Wife out of town. Kids occupied. The best you can come up with is going to a movie?  I want to party with you, cowboy.