Kaos' way behind movie reviews

Godfather · « **Reply #2120 on:** March 29, 2016, 12:17:46 PM »

Review online ...agrees with Kaos

Kaos · « **Reply #2121 on:** April 01, 2016, 11:20:07 AM »

Goodnight Mommy

Austrian horror film, therefore subtitled.

Could have been such a great movie. Mom has plastic surgery from an accident or whatever. Her creepy twin sons begin to question whether the woman behind the bandages is actually their mother. They eventually decide to hold her hostage and torture her until she tells them where their "real" mother is.

Some of the torture scenes were a little spooky and the twins did a fairly good job of conveying quiet unhinged menace.

Problem is that the film so blatantly telegraphed the "big surprise" so early that it was actually a letdown when it was finally revealed. By then you were hoping that what you knew might actually be wrong.

It also included a couple of ridiculously weird scenes for no reason including:
> One where mommy stood in the mirror and massaged her boobs while her face was bandaged
> One where mommy wandered out in the woods, stripped of all her clothes and threw a head-banging fit.

Some creepy elements here and there, but knowing the reveal really dampened the impact of the movie. If there is ever an Americanized version (The Grudge, Let Me In, etc were foreign horror that got America'd) , I hope they hold on to the power that reveal could bring until the end.

GH2001 · « **Reply #2122 on:** April 04, 2016, 02:35:53 PM »

Quote from: Kaos on March 28, 2016, 12:18:00 PM

It's called "discussion"

Alert the founding fathers. Tell them that constitution thing works pretty well when liberals aren't twisting it.

The irony in this ^

Kaos · « **Reply #2123 on:** April 04, 2016, 02:48:18 PM »

Quote from: GH2001 on April 04, 2016, 02:35:53 PM

The irony in this ^

^
The irony in that.

Saniflush · « **Reply #2124 on:** April 08, 2016, 03:34:26 PM »

"He Never Died"

Had seen the trailer for this and meant to watch it earlier. Finally did last night.

I thought it was good. Not great but certainly worth the 1.5 hours on Netflix.

Kaos · « **Reply #2125 on:** April 10, 2016, 01:29:04 AM »

The Boss

Melissa McCarthy is pretty grating. She's like Chris Farley in that she's really a one-note character. Obnoxious fat ass with some surprising agility, at least two fat pratfalls per flick and supposedly a heart of gold.

I keep seeing reviews of this movie (and others of hers) that say she's this clearly great comedic actress trapped in movies that don't properly use her talents. They compare her to Bill Murray and Jim Carey. But what if the opposite is true? What if this shrill, crass, vulgar, obese moose in a china shop schtick is all she has in the tank. I tend to think it is. Even in Spy, which was one of her successes, she was being the same character. That movie was elevated not by her one trick pony but by rich performances from Jason Statham, Jude Law, Rose Byrne, Miranda Hart, and the guy who played Aldo. If she had carried the film like she tried to do this one? Turd.

She's not abysmal here (not nearly as bad as Tammy), and neither is the brain-dead vacant-eyed Kristin Bell, but that doesn't mean they're great either.

The story has a funny moment or two, but dips unnecessarily into gutter-level crudity when it really doesn't need to. I saw parents bringing young (third or fourth grade) children in despite the R rating and those kids were treated to a lengthy, unneeded scene where three people banter about who's sucking who's dick.

In a movie like this you need to have somebody to pull for or relate to and there just wasn't a soul. McCarthy was an asshole, so you didn't want her to triumph. Bell was a brain-dead, botox face schlump so you had no rooting interest for her. The girl playing Bell's kid was a pie-faced over-emoting reject from a disney casting call, so no empathy there. Bell's "love interest" was such a poorly constructed character you had no interest in him at all.

The film kept clumsily reaching for emotion that just wasn't there. Neither were many laughs. That the "brain trust" from this movie has the Ghostbusters franchise in their inept paws makes me cringe.

Another major problem with the movie? Several characters, including Kathy Bates as schlubby shrew's mentor, were introduced and discarded without ever really having impact or closure. Bad, bad storytelling.

This is a half-baked, lukewarm semi-comedy with few laughs, the occasional moderately amusing setup, a stockpile of wasted characters and a penchant for making the wrong people the heroes.

Kaos · « **Reply #2126 on:** April 10, 2016, 01:40:00 AM »

The Babadook

Rarely does any film crash and burn in the last five minutes as hard as this one did. Up until those last few idiotic scenes I was liking the movie a lot.

Creepy little freakazoid seven-year old kid is really clingy with mom and she's equally overprotective of him because the dad got killed in a wreck on the way to the kid's birth. So the kid's not right to begin with. Terrified of monsters, worried that something's going to get him.

One night instead of the usual fairy tales, he drags out a book called Mr. Babadook which is a pretty freakish horror book about a monster wanting in.

Over time mom's sanity begins to fray while the kid -- who was an annoying, unhinged little jerk that you maybe wouldn't mind seeing gruesomely murdered by a closet monster -- started to sort of become the voice of reason.

The Babadook was frightening enough in its simplicity, the descent into madness that gripped the mom was captured well and for an hour and 35 minutes or so, the film built eerie suspense -- and its chops as a pretty good horror flick.

And then. And then. The hat. And the worms. What. the. slithering. fuck.

Most absurd and ridiculous end to a pretty good horror movie. Rendered all the good work of the previous 1:35 void. Whoever wrote the end needs a babadook shoved up his rectum.

Can't remember any other movie that fell so far, so hard and so badly at the end. It was like eating a pretty good steak dinner and then the bite you've been saving for the end turns out to be an old can of potted meat.

Godfather · « **Reply #2127 on:** April 11, 2016, 10:13:48 AM »

Quote from: Kaos on April 10, 2016, 01:40:00 AM

The Babadook

I had a nasty babadook last night, but I just flushed it down the toilet.

Godfather · « **Reply #2128 on:** April 12, 2016, 03:19:06 PM »

Quote from: Kaos on March 25, 2016, 10:48:09 AM

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

First let me preface this by saying I'm a borderline obsessed batnerd. Batman is by far my favorite comic character of all time. I've got a Batman comic collection that dates back now to the late 50s. There's a small bat-sticker somewhere on every car I've ever owned. I'm able to appreciate every bat incarnation on the big and small screen to a degree. Adam West, Keaton, Kilmer, Clooney, Bale and now Affleck all brought something different to the table with varying degrees of success. At this point I think Keaton probably made the best Bruce Wayne and Bale (minus the stupid voice) probably makes the best Batman. But I'm not even sure about that.

What I am sure about is that Affleck was not the best Batman, nor was he the best Bruce Wayne. But he wasn't always the worst either. I was so unnerved by his casting that I expected him to bomb in a big way. That he didn't is about the best I can say.

And now the movie. I'm sure many of you will like it. I've now seen it and it wasn't horrible, but I have no interest in seeing it again. It missed so many marks and cracked under it's own weight in innumerable places.

What a plodding, ponderous, mangled mish mash of a handful of stories. The director was so ham-handed, so mechanically driven that the heart of the story simply didn't exist.

__________________________
Here there be spoilers......
__________________________

Among the myriad problems:

1) The run time. The movie (with the 15 previews that came before it) started at 9:30 and let out at 12:18. There just wasn't enough meat to carry the story for that length of time so it bogged down terribly in a number of places. There were too many pointless threads that meandered nowhere. The director really is a hack. By the time it got to the Batmanning and Supermanning, many in our crowd had mentally checked out.

2) Amy Adams was mind-numbingly horrible. Every second she was on the screen was an absolute waste.

3) As bad as Amy Adams was, Holly Hunter was exponentially worse. Dreadful. Her motives were never clear, her stances were left unexplained and her death was welcome.

4) Eisenberg. Maybe he'll grow into it in the future, but his frenetic bopping simply is NOT Lex Luthor. And you'd think that a movie that ran close to three hours would have been able to rationally explain his Superman loathing. But it didn't. Complete fail. Oh, it hinted at it here and there, but the root of his animus was never successfully explored.

5) Batman. Yes, I know the current trend is to portray him as a morose and brooding bitch, but that's not all he is (or should be). There was the obligatory training scene where Affleck got to show off his muscles, but his Batman was unconvincing in the fight sequences. Not nimble or agile enough. And guns, bullets, brands, murder... That's not Batman either. The Bat is not a murderous brute, bulling through the city with tanks, rockets and machine guns.

6) Did I mention the director sucked? Two (no, actually three) dream sequences that muddied the plot. Fucking dream sequences. Grrrr.

7) Location, location, location. I've always envisioned Gotham as being New York and Metropolis as being Boston or Chicago or LA or something. Or even vice versa. This fucked up movie is trying to tell me that the two are fucking ACROSS A BAY FROM EACH OTHER? And that the fucking Bat Signal can be SEEN FROM METROPOLIS? No fucking way. Bullshit. Idiotic. That Batman and Superman exist on two peninsulas separated by a sliver of water? And that Batman rarely strays into Metropolis to fuck up Luthor or any of Superman's problems and Superman never drifts across to help with Joker, Clayface, Riddler, Catwoman, Penguin, Twoface, etc. etc. etc? That's lunacy. If any one thing ruined this movie, that was it.

8) Not enough exposition or explanation. Again, three hours, but so much was left in a muddy mess. Way too much was left just hanging out there for no reason. Why? Why? Why? If Superman can hear Lois fart from half a world away, how come he couldn't hear his mother screaming when she was kidnapped? Was his Super bathtub boner getting in the way?

9) Stupidity. Example: So Batman and Superman fight and Batman's got this spear that he hides somewhere so he can use it in the end. And they crash through block after block of buildings, rooftops, walls, and who knows fuck all. But when he gets Superman down? Why there's that fucking spear, right where he must have left it, within easy reach. The fuck? How could he possibly have planned to have the damn thing just sitting right there? That was one. I could list 50 more but won't.

10) All of a sudden everybody knows who everybody is. Well hey, Clark. What's up Bruce. Everybody in the world has it figured out. Like literally 20 people in this movie. So why even fuck with the masks and fake jobs? Jeez.

11) Wonder Woman setup. Oh, hey, look! That's Chris Pine in the old photo of Wonder Woman! I bet that would make a good origin movie! Could they be ANY more clunk-fuckingly obvious?

12) Doomsday. Eh. Kid behind me wanted to know why King Kong was fighting Batman. Just not well rendered. The story could have been told so much better without that big explosion-laden distraction tacked on to the end.

13) Oh hey! There's Aquaman. And Flash! Ohhh! Cyborg! All clumsily revealed. And where's Green Lantern? Oh, that's right. He's Deadpool now and mocking himself.

14) Superman period. It's hard to get the character right. This guy does as good as anybody I guess, but I just don't care for him or his story at all. He's the Captain America (which Marvel does better) to Batman's Tony Stark-Ironman (which Marvel also does exponentially better).

15) No self awareness. What I like about the Marvel movies is that they are almost completely self aware. They inject just enough humor to remind us that we are supposed to be having fun watching the most improbable bunch of freaks save the world in the most violent and explosive way. Hell, even the first Transformers got that right. Batman v Superman is a relentlessly dark movie. No fun allowed. That makes it much harder to connect with the characters. Why should you care what happens to either of them, really? And what's to fear from lightweight Jesse E? The movie needed a better director.

16) The Dark Knight Returns. Great comic series by Frank Miller that told the story of an older Batman coming out of a forced/negotiated retirement because the city was near out of control. The government (a thinly veiled Ronald Reagan, actually) sends Superman to take him out. Cue epic fight, some masterful bat trickery and a satisfying ending. This movie borrowed pieces of that. The bat suit for the showdown is almost a carbon copy of the one Miller drew up for the comic. So, too is the bulkier batman frame, the fatter bat logo and the much shorter bat ears (believe it or not, ear length is a significant touchstone in bat history. This alteration is a major change from the ears that had gotten longer and longer through Clooney). But whoever did this story didn't take all of Miller's story. Yeah, there was a kryponite weapon, but in the book Green Arrow had it. And Batman did have his foot on Superman's throat. But there wasn't the absolutely ASININE moment of ... "Wait, did you say Martha? Oh hell, my mom's name is Martha too! Dang bitch, I guess I should stop trying to kill your ass and we can just partner up and be all cool together. Man, if you'd just told me her name was Martha, all this seething rage I've been building up for years would have gone away. Martha. Be damned. Her name, too, huh?" My daughter actually blurted out "What the Faaahhhh" when he turned that fast for no good reason.

17) Fishburne. I'm still mad at that racist bastard from his work in Boyz in the Hood. He can kiss my ass.

18) The score. Teeth achingly bad, beat you over the head music. Relentless, pointless pounding. Absolutely worthless.

19) Terrible director. Have I mentioned that? As he has the Justice League contract, I have no hope for that at all. Itâ€™s going to suck beyond all imagination and probably kill the super hero genre for the remainder of my natural life.

20) No cohesive focus. Why were Batman and Superman really pissed at each other? Do we know? Do we care? Why jam in the electro monster? And Wonder Woman? The movie would have been so much if it had just taken two hours to compare and contrast the ways Batman and Superman effect their own brands of justice and then set up some legitimate beef between the two that demanded a violent resolution. If it had told the story of each of their relationships with the public maybe. Instead, we got this.

So after all that, would I suggest that you go see the movie? Sure. I actually didn't hate it, but I want so much from a Batman movie that this just left me meh. It wasn't great, it wasn't awful. I will never watch it again. But now I'm definitely not enthused about any Justice League movie and I probably won't do Aquaman, Wonder Woman or Flash. I probably won't even do CA: Civil War. I'm sick of the trailers for that.

I had no hopes for this movie from the get-go

I read your review before I watched it, it actually made me more optimistic towards watching it.

You were waaaay too kind in your review.

This was a horrible turd of a movie.

Kaos · « **Reply #2129 on:** April 12, 2016, 03:51:59 PM »

Quote from: Godfather on April 12, 2016, 03:19:06 PM

I had no hopes for this movie from the get-go

I read your review before I watched it, it actually made me more optimistic towards watching it.

You were waaaay too kind in your review.

This was a horrible turd of a movie.

In what way did you draw optimism from my review?

I hope DC has the sense to throw this exercise out and reboot again before continuing with Justice League.

GH2001 · « **Reply #2130 on:** April 13, 2016, 01:04:27 PM »

Quote from: Kaos on April 12, 2016, 03:51:59 PM

In what way did you draw optimism from my review?

I hope DC has the sense to throw this exercise out and reboot again before continuing with Justice League.

You weren't harsh ENOUGH maybe?

VERY disappointed in this one.

Godfather · « **Reply #2131 on:** April 15, 2016, 09:16:57 AM »

Quote from: GH2001 on April 13, 2016, 01:04:27 PM

You weren't harsh ENOUGH maybe?

VERY disappointed in this one.

^^Pretty much ^^. Also the point in which you said you didn't hate it, gave me hope.

I hated it, it takes a lot for me to hate a movie....that was fucking worse than.....yes I'm going to say it.....Caddyshack 2

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #2132 on:** April 15, 2016, 09:20:23 AM »

Quote from: Godfather on April 15, 2016, 09:16:57 AM

^^Pretty much ^^. Also the point in which you said you didn't hate it, gave me hope.

I hated it, it takes a lot for me to hate a movie....that was fucking worse than.....yes I'm going to say it.....Caddyshack 2

***GASP***

Saniflush · « **Reply #2133 on:** April 15, 2016, 09:44:13 AM »

Quote from: Godfather on April 15, 2016, 09:16:57 AM

^^Pretty much ^^. Also the point in which you said you didn't hate it, gave me hope.

I hated it, it takes a lot for me to hate a movie....that was fucking worse than.....yes I'm going to say it.....Caddyshack 2

Mrs. Esterhouse will not be pleased

Kaos · « **Reply #2134 on:** April 17, 2016, 09:35:50 AM »

Criminal
Kevin Costner was decent playing against type but the rest of the movie was a mangled mix of Face Off / Total Recall and Johnny Mnemonic and the matrix.

A long list of good actors doing shitty jobs headed by hang dog tommy Lee jones as the least believable doctor ever and Gary oldman as a rage fueled one dimensional character.

You'd think that a movie with commissioner Gordon, two face, Wonder Woman, Deadpool, and superman's dad would be a sure bet but no. The premise was stupid. Insert memories into the only person capable of accepting them -- an emotionless psychopath chained by the neck in solitary who had a brain injury as a child. And in the end, when some of the memories stick, set him free! That was the central story, but the movie tried to craft several other storylines from that single weak thread.

Dumb.

Action was good. Costner was pretty good. But it's hard to recommend this one.