Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[wesfau2]

The Martian

I was really looking forward to seeing this film.  I like Matt Damon.  I like Michael Pena. I like Sean Bean. I usually like Jessica Chastain.  I like Kate Mara. 

I wondered why the film was rewarded at the Golden Globes in the Comedy category. 

After watching The Martian, I understand. 

It was beautifully shot.  Made you believe the guy was stranded on Mars.   But....

1) The scene of super skinny Matt Damon didn't match his face.  He should have been gaunt and it was clear a body double was used.  He didn't commit like Christian Bale would have.  That was disappointing. 
2)  Launching with a tarp covering the nose? 
3) Iron-Manning through space?  C'mon.
4) Grabbing the guy at 90 mph or whatever?  Please.
5) The "slingshot around earth" plan?  Wasn't that one of Captain Kirk's trademark moves?  To go back in time? 
6) Once the china rocket came into play, the ridiculously risky and inprobissle turn the ship around rescue wasn't necessary.  Send the supply ship and then use the time to prepare a rescue proper. 
7) Kick around in the dust in a vast, enormous field desert and come across the one thing you need?
8) Dig up the rover from under all that dirt (impossible to begin with), get the thing dug out deep enough to lift it and THEN get the Pathfinder -- which weighed in at 1,973 pounds -- loaded on his rover?  Without a crane at the site?  Horseshit. 
9) Drive 3500 miles in a rover designed to do 35 miles a day and not run out of food along the way?  Bullshit.  And then find the needle in the desert haystack without so much as a GPS?  Pfaw!

So unrealistic it was funny.  Therefore: Comedy.

Yes.  I realize that all of those things that irked me could possibly, potentially, maybe work.  But not all of them at the same time. 

It was faux drama.  It pretty much wasted Mara, Bean, Chewing Pettifore (or whatever that black guy with the glasses is called), Jeff Daniels (who portrayed the dumbest head of NASA I've ever seen) and even wasted Chastain and Pena for the most part.  They were incidentals, and could have been played by any number of ex Law and Order character actors. 

Mackenzie Davis as a NASA employee was an actress that seemed to have much more to offer, but her role was limited. 

Kristen Wiig was also a complete bust in her role.  Completely ineffective and absolute zero on the screen at all times.  Why was she even there?  She should have had the big forehead and tiny hands at least. 

It's easy to see from my point of view why Leonardo DiCaprio would deserve the Oscar over Matt Damon when you take two films where their singular character carried an enormous amount of the film with little to play against but themselves. 

Not saying "don't see The Martian" but saying that if you do see it -- and most of you already have or have already decided not to -- go in expecting the same level of "realism" you'd get from an Avengers movie.  It will make it much more palatable.

I don't disagree with much in this review...but I was entertained.

When Damon is first aware of his situation and tells the video-diary that he's going to survive by "science-ing the shit out of it!" I knew I wasn't in for a story that NASA co-wrote.

This was Survivor on Mars.  It was at times funny, tense and heartwarming.  It wasn't scientifically accurate and it has no place in Oscar discussions (relevant ones, anyway...maybe sets/props/whatever).  I like Damon and most of the cast and so I liked their story. 

And it was on Mars...which is fun and cool.

Fuck it...it was a couple hours of entertainment that was better than most efforts.  I don't think it should win awards.

[Kaos]

I don't disagree with much in this review...but I was entertained.

When Damon is first aware of his situation and tells the video-diary that he's going to survive by "science-ing the shit out of it!" I knew I wasn't in for a story that NASA co-wrote.

This was Survivor on Mars.  It was at times funny, tense and heartwarming.  It wasn't scientifically accurate and it has no place in Oscar discussions (relevant ones, anyway...maybe sets/props/whatever).  I like Damon and most of the cast and so I liked their story. 

And it was on Mars...which is fun and cool.

Fuck it...it was a couple hours of entertainment that was better than most efforts.  I don't think it should win awards.

I was entertained.  Damon is that good.  Think about this for a minute though.

If Bradley Cooper had been the stranded astronaut?   Nick Cage?  Chris Pine?  Dave Franco?   Would you still have been entertained?  I don't know that I would have.  I think I would have trashed it. 

Still don't know why they wasted such big names in essentially throwaway roles. 

[wesfau2]

I was entertained.  Damon is that good.  Think about this for a minute though.

If Bradley Cooper had been the stranded astronaut?   Nick Cage?  Chris Pine?  Dave Franco?   Would you still have been entertained?  I don't know that I would have.  I think I would have trashed it. 

Still don't know why they wasted such big names in essentially throwaway roles.

Can't argue with that.

[Snaggletiger]

I was entertained.  Damon is that good.  Think about this for a minute though.

If Bradley Cooper had been the stranded astronaut?   Nick Cage?  Chris Pine?  Dave Franco?   Would you still have been entertained?  I don't know that I would have.  I think I would have trashed it. 

Still don't know why they wasted such big names in essentially throwaway roles.

Why is the hate so strong with this one?  I haven't seen The Martian, but I can guarantee there were no lines delivered that came close to matching:

"Put....the bunny....back....in the box."

I get chills just hearing that in my head.

[Godfather]

Why is the hate so strong with this one?  I haven't seen The Martian, but I can guarantee there were no lines delivered that came close to matching:

"Put....the bunny....back....in the box."

I get chills just hearing that in my head.

[Kaos]

This face. 

He's just a terrible actor.

[Kaos]

The Intern
You can't teach an old dog new tricks but old dogs still have a few tricks up their sleeves. 

That was the basic theme of this fluffy quasi-comedy featuring DeNiro as the retiree looking a place in the world and Ann Hathaway as the too busy for the real world internet tycoon in need of a few life lessons. 

The movie flowed along amicably not stirring up much dust and wringing some sporadic comedy from the cliched old fish in a new pond setups. 

And then it fucked itself so completely I am compelled to tell it to take a flying fuck at Jupiter.  The last decision made by Hathaway's character is so weak and so opposed to the person she needed to be in that moment that I no longer gave a shit about her or her dilemma.  Fuck her. 

Movie shit on itself in the last five pathetic minutes.  Booooo. Fucking booooooo.

[GH2001]

I see a movie almost every weekend.  I'm a horror fanatic.  And yet I've never heard anything about this movie or seen a trailer or seen a preview poster. 

Go see deadpool.  Forget the witch.

Saw The Witch last night.

Very solid. Very well made. Very different. It had a scary subtly to it much like some of M. Nights early stuff. You wonder the whole time who the culprit is in the house. The end is a slight surprise when you what the overall objective was. Takes place in 17th century New England at a high time of Puritan and witchcraft beliefs which is where the story is derived from.

[Kaos]

The VVITCH

This moving picture be setteth in yon time of long ago where there be things that hath frights in the woods. If thee wisheth to take thy kin to this snoozeth festival prepare thyself for speech unintelligible.

Boooooo.  Family gets exiled from Puritan village for reasons not well explained, family gets exposed to ridiculously mild threats in yon woods, tense music ramps up when absolutely nothing is happening and then it ends stupidly. 

I had a difficult time understanding anything the family patriarch said what with all the thee-ing and thou-ing and his general tendency to mutter in prayerful supplication.  The son was even harder to understand. I would have spent half the movie asking "what did he just say?" if I cared what he had said or if I thought it mattered.

Hated the shrew wife, loathed the fat little kids.

It wasn't scary at all.  I hated it as much as I've hated a movie in a long long time. 

Do not wasteth thy time.   

[Kaos]

Creed

We've seen this story.  We saw it done to perfection in Rocky.  We saw a version of it in the somewhat silly but under appreciated Rocky Balboa. 

Underdog gets a shot against a fighter against which he should have little chance.  Underdog shows unexpected guts and tenacity, taking a beating, turning a hostile crowd in his favor, taking punishment and the fight to the limit and .... Does he win? 

It's been done better.  This movie hits the same technical marks but it is lacking in heart. It's missing the sweetness and family at the core of the original films. 

The unwarranted cockiness and relentless anger displayed by Adonis Johnson Creed is grating and overbearing.  I found myself rooting for him to get his little ass whipped. 

It may have failed harder with me because I had watched the first film just a few days prior so the near cinematic perfection of that film was still fresh.

Creed wasn't a bad film, it just rang the same formulaic bell one time too many for me. 

[Kaos]

London is Falling
If the president gets kidnapped twice during his term in office there's a major problem.  If he's at the forefront of destroying cultural and historic landmarks in both DC and London he needs to be impeached or something. 

Lots of action.  Lots of destruction. Lots of improbable situations. 

Turn your brain off and just watch the action unfold and this movie will pass with little effect.  It's the cinematic equivalent of chewing gum. 

[AUJarhead]

Creed
Creed wasn't a bad film, it just rang the same formulaic bell one time too many for me.

But of the 4 movies that got rebooted last year (Mad Max, Jurassic Park, Star Wars, and Rocky), I think that it was the best.

[GH2001]

The VVITCH

This moving picture be setteth in yon time of long ago where there be things that hath frights in the woods. If thee wisheth to take thy kin to this snoozeth festival prepare thyself for speech unintelligible.

Boooooo.  Family gets exiled from Puritan village for reasons not well explained, family gets exposed to ridiculously mild threats in yon woods, tense music ramps up when absolutely nothing is happening and then it ends stupidly. 

I had a difficult time understanding anything the family patriarch said what with all the thee-ing and thou-ing and his general tendency to mutter in prayerful supplication.  The son was even harder to understand. I would have spent half the movie asking "what did he just say?" if I cared what he had said or if I thought it mattered.

Hated the shrew wife, loathed the fat little kids.

It wasn't scary at all.  I hated it as much as I've hated a movie in a long long time. 

Do not wasteth thy time.

Thou thinks you are most hard to please unto thee cinema.

If they had spoken plain English you would have complained that it was not accurate. I think you look for things to complain about. It wasn't all that. But wasn't bad either. Although I think most of your review was just spite in re to my comments on the previous page. I get it. People hyped it up. Stephen King hyped it up. You hate that. So you went to see it so you could complain how bad it was and how everyone is stupid. Rinse and repeat...

[Kaos]

Thou thinks you are most hard to please unto thee cinema.

If they had spoken plain English you would have complained that it was not accurate. I think you look for things to complain about. It wasn't all that. But wasn't bad either. Although I think most of your review was just spite in re to my comments on the previous page. I get it. People hyped it up. Stephen King hyped it up. You hate that. So you went to see it so you could complain how bad it was and how everyone is stupid. Rinse and repeat...

No. I was actually looking forward to seeing it.  Your review gave me additional encouragement. 

I just hated the movie.  As did my friend who went with me.  There was no horror.  The tension -- such as there was -- was artificial and forced.  I just didn't like it at all. 

I've said often that movies have to work hard to reach me.  I want to be entertained without being insulted. Depending on the genre I look for different things. I just got nothing out of this one at all. 

[Kaos]

But of the 4 movies that got rebooted last year (Mad Max, Jurassic Park, Star Wars, and Rocky), I think that it was the best.

Star Wars and Creed were similar in that they told almost exactly the same story that started the series.

Of the two I was more entertained by Star Wars.  I think the acting was better in Creed.  Neither set my drawers on fire. 

[Kaos]

Legend

Tom Hardy.  And Tom Hardy.

When will I ever learn. 

Sort of a British goodfellas.  English gangster twin brothers both played by Hardy.

As in every movie he puts on a near unintelligible accent that leaves me wondering what he said for half the movie.  I understand that it was cockney.  So was everybody else. But he was the only one making weird speech affectations to the point that his words were just mumbo jumbo. 

Good story, poorly paced and with not quite enough exposition on some aspects with far too much on others. 

Love gangster movies.  This was just put together so choppily that I didn't enjoy it as much as I could have.

[Kaos]

Exeter

Horror. Gore. I like that.  Mix in a little humor and you've got a winner in my book. 

This little movie that I'd never heard of did a pretty good job of mixing the requisite ingredients and coming up with something that I enjoyed. 

A little Exorcist. A little Quarantine. A little of every partying teenager in a movie cliche you've seen before, but done so much better than movies with bigger budgets, bigger name actors and bigger promotional vehicles.  It's not trying to be anything other than an inventively gory, occasionally funny movie that's the equivalent of a Little Debbie honey bun.   It's good for the moment and then you quickly forget you had it. The film was self-aware enough to acknowledge the films that were a part of its makeup and I liked that as well. 

Also liked that I didn't have the whole thing completely figured at the end. 

Basic concept is that a teenager is part of a crew that's cleaning up an old mental institution. He's close to some priest who has some connection to the place.  His friends decide it would be the perfect site for a massive party.  As the party winds down a bunch of drunk/drugged out kids decide to re-enact the "light as a feather, stiff as a board" thing from The Craft.  And they unleash a beast that has to be contained.

I have no idea who any of the actors are.  Never seen any of them in anything before with the exception of the guy who played the priest, Stephen Lang.  He's been in an assload of stuff including Avatar.  Here he's not much involved in the real story. 

I figure this movie got trashed in the reviews, but I liked it well enough.  Not gonna add it to my permanent queue, but it was a satisfying snack of a film. 

[wesfau2]

10 Cloverfield Lane

Interesting thriller about 3 people in a bunker, sealed off from the world.

The aliens appear at the very end just to make sure there was a connection to JJ Abrams' work.

It was not an IMAX movie, it was not a Cloverfield/alien/monster movie.

It was ok...see it on demand.

[Kaos]

Max

In this new era of Trumpish patriotism how can you not be in love with a movie that celebrates the loyalty and dedication of the dogs who serve the United States military, searching out weapons and warning of danger? How can you screw up a movie that pays homage to those magnificent creatures. 

Let me count the ways:

1) Wooden, emotionally vacant performances from every actor in the film except the dog. Thomas Hayden Church and Lauren Graham were both unconvincing and looked like they wanted to be anywhere else but playing a married couple dealing with a dog. The lead kid, Josh Wiggins, was particularly awful. He failed to convey a single convincing emotional response.  He was abysmal.  The poor dog was ashamed to be involved with that dead-legged cast.

2) Cliched and inept mexican bad guys

3) A ridiculous story about arms dealing that involved crooked cops, crooked soldiers and the cliched inept mexican bad guy

It was just a silly plot dragged down by lifeless performances. 

I'd really like to see a good story about a military dog who recovers from the trauma of war, but without the ridiculous "wanna buy some RPGs and ship them to Mexico? Sure, but what about those meddling kids and their dog?"  plotline. 

Turned what should have been an inspiring story into an episode of:

[Saniflush]

Funny sidebar, The Scooby Doo and Kiss movie has become the stepkids favorite cartoon.  It has weaned them off of pup patrol and given me a catalyst to introduce them into rock and roll.