Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[Kaos]

Ride Along 2

Innocuous.  That's about the best word.  Kevin Hart does his familiar schtick.  Ice Cube snarls and growls.  I like Ice but he's not much of an actor. 

They get into improbable situations. They get out of improbable situations.  There are some mildly amusing moments, only a few gags really remotely laugh inducing.  Then it careens to its inevitable conclusion. 

It's formulaic. It's harmless.

[Snaggletiger]

Ride Along 2

Innocuous.  That's about the best word.  Kevin Hart does his familiar schtick.  Ice Cube snarls and growls.  I like Ice but he's not much of an actor. 

They get into improbable situations. They get out of improbable situations.  There are some mildly amusing moments, only a few gags really remotely laugh inducing.  Then it careens to its inevitable conclusion. 

It's formulaic. It's harmless.

Saw it this afternoon.  Good review, K.  Mildly funny movie that could have been much more.  The biggest problem to me was Kevin Hart's schtick being way over the top.  Distracting at times.  Cube is Sheldon Cooper.  He's playing the only role he really knows how.  Hart's character could have/should have stole the show.  Didn't happen. His facial expressions were 10X funnier than any lines he delivered.  Still, it was a decent comedy with a few good moments.     

[Kaos]

Fast & Furious (pick a number)

Watched the first film in this franchise many years ago.  Remember being overwhelmed by dumb and swearing the rest of them off. Was convinced to watch the last two (or was it three) in the franchise over the weekend because the movies "had gotten much better" and were allegedly "totally bad ass."

Yick.  The acting was atrocious. (But do you watch a porn movie for the acting? This is action porn, just enjoy the crazy car chases).  The car chases and action was so improbable, impossible and ridiculous that it was a joke. (Stop being so critical! It's just a movie, can't you just think how awesome it would be if people COULD do that?) Oh, you mean leap from a speeding car across a separated bridge, grab somebody in mid-air who was flying from a speeding car toward you, take their momentum in the other direction, land on the windshield of a moving car and not be injured in the least? Not out of breath, not mangled beyond recognition, not even a scratch?  Fuck me. That's so stupid I can't watch this. (My GOD, it's just a movie. That was B.A.D.A.S.S.  ) No. No it wasn't. That was idiotic. (Fine. Whatever. Shhhhhhhhh.. Paul Walker. He's pretty awesome, and isn't it poignant that he just said "ride or die?" )  Poignant? No. Dumber than a forest full of toothless beavers. The idiot bastard apparently thought the ridiculous shit they do in these movies was real. He crashed fast and died furiously. I don't find any sadness or poignancy or anything in that. He's an awful actor and he died like a fool. (Just watch the movie.)  Oh the girl died because she fell ten feet to the concrete and they're not even going to look for her body, but that other guy flew like Superman and caved in the windshield of a moving car, but he's not only alive, but didn't even get the wind knocked out of him?  Seriously?  What the fuck?  (It's JUST A MOVIE!  Christ!)

Ok. I get that "it's just a movie."  I understand that. But it's lazy. It's horrible.  It's senseless. When Luda is the best actor on the screen at any time, you've got some problems.  The girls are just as bad. They don't look good, none of them can act. 

The "chemistry" between the team members is forced and incredibly fake. I also have a little bit of a problem with thinking the bad guys are cool. Oceans Eleven (the Clooney version) gave me enough rationale that I could be on board with the robberies. These fucks are just meat heads, chowder heads and punk thieves. They're stealing for their own purposes. (No they're not, they're like Robin Hood!) Right. Robin Hood buys himself mansions and jets.  Explain to me why I should want them to get away with stealing people's cars?  What if they stole my car?  (Aggggghhh, they're not going to steal your car. It's just a movie!)  Well what if they tore up my car while they were killing people all over the Interstate?  (*sigh* )  How are they getting away with that?  I was counting.  There are probably 40 bystanders dead in just that one scene. "It's just a movie" has to make some sense. Somebody's going to jail for all those dead people on the road. They don't just get away from that. (I give up.  Let's watch Trainwreck instead).  Fuck now.  I don't want to watch that chubby bitch be whorishly obnoxious. I've seen some of her standup and it's vulgar and offensive. She's not funny. No thanks.

There is no problem bigger than Vin Diesel. The guy has to be the worst actor I've ever seen in my life.  Every facial expression he has simply does not match the emotion he should be feeling.  Anger?  He looks like he just slipped a fart. Happiness? Like he's trying to suppress a sneeze. Sadness? Like he just inhaled a doob and is waiting to exhale. He walks like something is really itchy in his asshole. His dialogue (which I understand he wrote much of) is nonsensical. He mumbles stupid shit. He's worse than Nicholas Cage. Worse than John Travolta.  I wanted to murder him the entire time he was on screen.

How this useless fuck has a career beyond "I am Groot" is beyond me. He's the worst.  I understand that it's just a movie. But how this senseless mayhem has spawned all these sequels and made all this money is incomprehensible to me.

[wesfau2]

The money the Furious franchise has generated worldwide is staggering.  Many billions.

[Kaos]

The money the Furious franchise has generated worldwide is staggering.  Many billions.

But so is the dumb.  Yes?

[wesfau2]

But so is the dumb.  Yes?

Absolutely.

[Godfather]

Absolutely.

So you can't solve the worlds problems with fast cars?  Damn!

[Kaos]

So you can't solve the worlds problems with fast cars?  Damn!

I watched the last one yesterday, after being repeatedly told that the final Paul Walker tribute was "worth it all." 

No. No it wasn't.  It was fucking creepy is what it was.  A movie that glorified the exact behavior that burned him alive and then a horrifyingly eerie loop of some goofy smirk-face badly CGI pasted over somebody else's just added to the surreal nature of the thing.  If you ask me it was completely irresponsible. 

Two head-on car crashes and nobody gets a scratch?  Roll a car off a cliff and somebody loses a shoe, but that's it?  Destroy city blocks with missiles and machine guns and Vin comes back to life spouting dumbass shit in the name of 'love'?  Fuck that pile of excrement.  The first few I watched just left me numb.  This one made me laugh at how motherfucking idiotic it was.  Then I started to feel a little disgusted and dismayed at the number of people who embrace this brain-dead garbage.  Finally I got pissed off a little. Fuck Paul Walker. Not glad he's dead, but I'm not crying over it either.  Reap what's sown. 

The movie had a chance to make a statement that would discourage all the fucking morons in tricked out Toyotas who think they can do the same kind of shit and end up dead. The movie should have slaughtered every single one of those fucktard meatheads in a hideous and gruesome manner. 

This should have been the story 10 minutes into this shit fest. 

Michele Rodriguez:


Vin Diesel:


Ludacris:


Jason Statham:


To our friend, Paul Walker:

[Snaggletiger]

I was thinking meat lovers pizza for lunch, but I think now I'll just have the soup.

[chinook]

I was thinking meat lovers pizza for lunch, but I think now I'll just have the soup.

your pants say thank you.

[Godfather]

I was thinking meat lovers pizza for lunch, but I think now I'll just have the soup.

Happy Tuesday to you!

[Token]

Good lord.

[dallaswareagle]

Good lord.

No doubt, post a picture of some snatch and get the warning, post some chicks face on the road and 

[Kaos]

Sorry about the road kill.  Thought I did an admirable job matching up the bodies.  But whatever.

Spiderman 3

I've probably reviewed this before, but 20 minutes into this gooey turd I feel compelled to note once again how spectacularly god awful and asstastic this pool of stringy pumpkin shit this is. 

Oh my sweet lord, pussy Peter Parker is nauseating. That simpering Toby McGuire weasel is destroying the character. 

This? 

I can smell the vagina juice from here.

And this? His "bad ass" look?



What, Edward Furlong wasn't available?  Or maybe Crispin Glover? 

I'm surprised (and thankful since Iron Man came along) that this flaccid penis of a film didn't bring down the entire Marvel universe.  It's worse than Brendan Routh's Superman, it's worse than any Fantastic Four, it's worse than Green Lantern, worse than any Hulk.  It's nuclear option bad. 

Speaking of, after Ryan Reynolds fucked up the DC universe with his shitty Green Lantern, why does he get to go to Marvel and fuck up Deadpool?  Couldn't they find Dane Cook?

Oh.my.lord.



Haaaa haaaa haaaa haaaa haaaa haaaa haaaa haaaa haaa.  This is the epitome of the shittiness of this shitty movie. 

[Snaggletiger]

So, you're saying you don't like Spidey 3?  I'm getting that sense.

I couldn't agree more about III.  That was one I was really pissed that I spent the $$$ to go see.  Awful in every sense of the word, especially the lame ass attempt at Evil Peter.  That being said, I thought his impish demeanor really fit the first two well, especially the original.  I grew up on Spidey comics and Peter Parker was that photographer nerd that always seemed to blend in the background and get stepped on a lot in life.  McGuire did a good job with that in transforming from the nerdy kid into someone being amazed at his newfound super powers.  But III???  Sweet Haysus, they swung and missed with the bases loaded with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th.  Horrible.

BTW, I also mistakenly spent $$$ on seeing McGuire in The Great Gatsby.  He's the same character.  He can't act any other way than what you see in Spiderman.

[Jumbo]

Kaos, have you watched Dear Zakary?

[The Six]

Kaos, have you watched Dear Zakary?

Excellent choice, Jumbs.

[Jumbo]

Excellent choice, Jumbs.

It's a must see.

[Kaos]

I just read where Victor Frankenstein, a movie I thought was fair and had a great lead in James McAvoy, was the biggest box office disaster of all time (for movies that open in 2500 theaters or more). 

It was apparently so bad it reached OogieLove territory.

For movies in 2000 theaters or less it was the 19th worst opening, in the company of such marvels as Jem and the Holograms, Pluto Nash and Bandslam. 

I was also dismayed to see the Bill Murray vehicle Rock the Kasbah (a film I never saw but thought I wanted to see before it disappeared from theaters) at number five of the worst openings ever. 

I didn't think Franky was that bad.  Definitely missed the mark with the public though.

[Snaggletiger]

Daddy's Home

Bored on a Saturday afternoon so me and mini decided to check it out.  Went in with low expectations.  Will Ferrell flicks are so hit and miss.  The trailer pretty much tells the story.  Ferrell plays the wimpy step dad and Wahlberg, the ex, shows up and they compete for hot wife/ex-wife.  First 30 minutes were filled with extreme meh.  However, it wound up being a pretty hilarious by movies' end. 

Ferrell's character was so over the top wimpy, it made you dislike him.  But the situations and some of the gags got better and better as the movie wore on.  A trip to the fertility doctor with the doc comparing Ferrell's and Wahlberg's junk, was damn funny.  Referred to Wahlberg's perfectly shaped, enormous balls as twin Patrick Stewarts.  Thomas Haden Church and Hannibal Buress really helped pick up the comedy level.