Kaos' way behind movie reviews

Kaos · « **Reply #1940 on:** July 19, 2015, 12:31:53 AM »

Ant Man

Not really sure what to make of this.

It was more entertaining than the too-often convoluted Thor and far too often ponderous Captain America movies. But at the same time it's hard to say it was "better" than those.

I enjoyed the movie, but enjoyed it in sort of the same way I used to enjoy the old Batman TV series. It was campy, it was a little silly, it took the bounds of reality and just trampled them. In that respect it was a fun movie to watch. Like all Marvel movies it walked a near-perfect line between fighting, comedy and exposition. Also like all Marvel movies, it was just a bit too long.

Paul Rudd was a concern for me. I usually don't like him much and think he's hurt some movies that had good potential. I wasn't sure how he could possibly pull off the action hero role. Much like Michael Keaton in the campy Tim Burton Batman film, he was much better than I expected.

The rest of the cast was pretty good with the sort of exception of Courtney Stoll (an actor I've liked well enough in pretty much everything I've seen him in). Stoll didn't have the menace his role required. Michael Douglas was good. Evangeline Lilly was unrecognizable but servicable.

I don't know how this is going to fit into the Avengers universe, although it is clearly going to do so. I sort of wish it didn't have to and could exist as a standalone series that exists on the Avenger periphery.

It's worth seeing.

Kaos · « **Reply #1941 on:** July 20, 2015, 10:41:30 PM »

3 Headed Shark Attack
Danny Trejo slumming it in a terrible movie chock full of spectacularly bad acting and even worse CGI. So bad it wasn't even bad-good. Not even an Oscar worthy (haha) performance from Rob Van Dam could save this three-headed turkey.

Why watch? Much of it was filmed in Pensacola. One of the boats had "Orange Beach Alabama" across the back. Curiosity, I suppose.

Stoneheart Asylum
Ben Kingsley, Kate Beckinsale, Michael Caine and a host of crazies in a film based on an Edgar Allen Poe story set in an insane asylum.

But who's running the place? Have the inmates taken over?

Very intriguing movie that moved just a bit too slowly and failed to deliver quite enough scares/menace for to really draw the kind of attention it should have.

I enjoyed the story and further enjoyed figuring out bits and pieces of it as the events unfolded. To the very end, I didn't have the entire story puzzled out.

Very well done and under promoted movie.

Open Grave
Sharlito Copely (the bug guy from District 9) and a few other people wake up with complete amnesia and try to figure out who they are, why they are where they are and what connection they have (or don't have) to each other. Copely's character (when he couldn't figure out his name, he called himself John) awoke in a pit filled with rotting bodies. The rest of the amnesia victims didn't trust him and considered him an outsider.

On top of that, they are under siege from zombies.

Copely really struggled to pull off his part of the film. In this, at least, he was terribly bad. He attempted to affect an American accent and was horrendous at it. Mumble mush mouth and clunky lines really hamstrung a film that could have been so very spooky and intriguing. For that matter, every character was afflicted with terribly cheesy lines all of which were delivered pretty badly.

The movie had an interesting story, it unspooled it at a pace that languished just a bit more than I would have liked and then had an ending that was almost a perfect fit. If if had just ended a moment or two before it actually did.

My big problems (trying to not give away too many spoilers)

1) The amnesia situation could have easily been solved with two pieces of paper and a pencil.
2) When soldiers fill a pit with the dead, they burn it. Especially if the dead may be zombies.
3) No computers, no electricity? Except there WERE computers and they WERE running. So yeah, what about that?

The absolute worst scene came when Copely and this woman were yelling about a dog. He overacted so badly it made me want the dog to kill his ass. And then the dog was gone.

I wish Sharlito was still a bug. That would have made a better movie. I hated him in this one.

GH2001 · « **Reply #1942 on:** July 21, 2015, 09:29:03 AM »

Quote from: Kaos on July 20, 2015, 10:41:30 PM

Stoneheart Asylum
Kate Beckinsale

Worth it just for her.

Its been in my Netflix queue a while. Looked decent. Figured if Kingsley and Caine were in it, there wasnt much of a logical chance that it could be TOO bad.

Token · « **Reply #1943 on:** July 21, 2015, 08:57:27 PM »

Can I get a review of the blockbuster film, "Zombeavers"?

Buzz Killington · « **Reply #1944 on:** July 21, 2015, 09:36:41 PM »

Nice beaver

wesfau2 · « **Reply #1945 on:** July 22, 2015, 07:35:39 AM »

Quote from: Token on July 21, 2015, 08:57:27 PM

Can I get a review of the blockbuster film, "Zombeavers"?

I know this is tongue-in-cheek, but I believe K actually reviewed this one.

Quote from: Buzz Killington on July 21, 2015, 09:36:41 PM

Nice beaver

Thanks. I just had it stuffed.

Kaos · « **Reply #1946 on:** July 23, 2015, 04:42:50 PM »

Scooby Doo and KISS, Rock and Roll Mystery

How could I not watch this? Childhood favorite Scooby and secret toon crush Velma team up with the greatest rock band of all time to solve a theme park mystery. What could be better?

Yes, I know your answer is "lots of things"

This would have been a movie better done in, say, 1980 or so. Sort of hard to believe Daphne has a juicy for Paul these days. But when you consider that Daphne was 16 in 1969, she might actually be a little long in the tooth for the Starchild. She was 28 when they reached the top of the rock world in 1978. She'd be 62 today -- same age as the KISS crew actually.

But all that's meaningless. Daphne is eternally 16. Paul is eternally 20-something. So it works for the cartoon.

This film fused a lot of the goofiness of the 1978 "KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park" TV movie with some typical Scooby elements. Throw in a few KISS songs and you got what you got.

There was a mystery, the reveal at the end, chases, scared Shaggy all mixed up and merged with super power KISS characters. Paul with the magic eye, Catman turning feral, Space Ace riding the lightning and surly Gene blowing flames.

There was also Gene doing some weirdo impersonation of the Batman voice or something.

So many KISS inside jokes. The powerful black diamond, characters named Shandi, Beth, Christine and Delilah, and more. Numerous "eggs" that nobody but hard core fans are likely to get.

It was corny. It was silly. It lost its way with the flying guitar through the portal of time storyline. It was about what you'd expect from a Scooby Doo movie featuring KISS. Thankfully Scrappy Doo did not make an appearance. Sadly neither did Don Knotts or Dick Van Dyke.

dallaswareagle · « **Reply #1947 on:** July 23, 2015, 05:09:17 PM »

You have entirely too much time on your hands.

Kaos · « **Reply #1948 on:** July 23, 2015, 05:37:52 PM »

Quote from: dallaswareagle on July 23, 2015, 05:09:17 PM

You have entirely too much time on your hands.

Good song. Saw it performed live not too long ago.

So far this summer I've sorta seen Elton John and attended Def Leppard, Styx, Imagine Dragons, Boston, Kansas, Tesla and some other concerts I can't remember. Still have Van Halen, Lenny Kravitz, Billy Idol, Hall and Oates and a few more to go before my summer tour ends.

GH2001 · « **Reply #1949 on:** July 23, 2015, 10:11:11 PM »

Quote from: Kaos on July 23, 2015, 05:37:52 PM

Good song. Saw it performed live not too long ago.

So far this summer I've sorta seen Elton John and attended Def Leppard, Styx, Imagine Dragons, Boston, Kansas, Tesla and some other concerts I can't remember. Still have Van Halen, Lenny Kravitz, Billy Idol, Hall and Oates and a few more to go before my summer tour ends.

Billy Joel, Fifth Dimension, Fleetwood Mac, The Who and the Rolling Stones was my spring/summer tour. 'Twas teh awesomez. And yeah I know, one of those doesn't go with the rest. But I did get to hear Aquarius live.

Kaos · « **Reply #1950 on:** July 23, 2015, 11:23:30 PM »

Seinfeld

Okay, not a movie but I don't really know where to put this. Went to see him do his standup tonight in Mobile.

Always liked the sardonic, sarcastic, blackish nature of his shows and while it was never fall-down-in-the-floor funny, I greatly admired the intelligence of it -- even when the subject matter may have been base. Smart humor.

Wasn't sure what to expect with his routine, but I found it to be fantastic. He was entertaining, engaging and sharp. Looked great for a very youthful 62. I found him making some of the very same observations I make about the world but expressing those observations in a far funnier manner than I ever could.

The best part to me came when he cut down a moron who bellowed "rawl tahd" during a pause in the show.

He compared the phrase to a nasty belch. "It's like you can't help yourself, it's one of those burps that just comes out and you can't control it." He ridiculed the phrase itself. "Tides don't roll. They may rise or ebb or do other things, but rolling isn't one of them." He told the guy that he'd be hard pressed to find anything he cared any less about than rolling tides. He did pander a bit at the end and said that if it helped the guy feel better he's pretend for the next 45 minutes that he cared, but once he was off the stage he'd care no more.

I really enjoyed his show. Not something I ever have to see again (and tickets were pricey for comedy) but I'm glad to be able to say that I did see him live at least one time.

Kaos · « **Reply #1951 on:** July 28, 2015, 11:27:16 PM »

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No

I know it's supposed to be bad. That's part of the concept. But good grief, this was awful. It was so bad it almost wasn't any fun.

Machete was bad. But Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba (looking magnificent) and Michelle Rodriguez (looking impossibly good) played it up, hammed it up and made it a spectacular movie. It's even better in retrospect than it was on first viewing.

Sharknado? It was just shitty bad. Super shitty. Bad CGI. Terrible acting. Awful makeup. Worst dialogue ever. Dumbest story ever contrived. In Machete Trejo, Alba and Rodriguez looked like they were having fun. The shitty performers in this god awful thing didn't appear to be having any fun at all.

*** SPOILERS ***

Mark Cuban was stiffly awful as a gun-toting president.
Tara Reid looks like red-assed hell. If she ever was attractive, she left that attribute behind years ago. And she can't act a single lick.
Bo Derek looked like a monkey with an electric drill got ahold of her face and body. And she can't act either.
Hasselhoff has become a joke in and of himself. Terrible.
The best actor in the entire damn movie was probably Matt Lauer. Either him or Chris Jericho of WWE. Or maybe Al Roker. Or maybe Cassie Scerbo's titties.

When the ultra shitty Ian Zeiring dove into a shark's mouth in space and then used the burning fish to survive re-entry to earth's atmosphere, it was pretty obvious this ridiculous film series had -- pardon the pun -- jumped the shark.

If you're going to do a stupid movie, do a stupid movie. Give it some lightness and levity. This thing was just a cardboard turd floating in a pool of doo doo water.

wesfau2 · « **Reply #1952 on:** July 29, 2015, 08:00:32 AM »

Quote from: Kaos on July 28, 2015, 11:27:16 PM

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No

I know it's supposed to be bad. That's part of the concept. But good grief, this was awful. It was so bad it almost wasn't any fun.

Machete was bad. But Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba (looking magnificent) and Michelle Rodriguez (looking impossibly good) played it up, hammed it up and made it a spectacular movie. It's even better in retrospect than it was on first viewing.

Sharknado? It was just shitty bad. Super shitty. Bad CGI. Terrible acting. Awful makeup. Worst dialogue ever. Dumbest story ever contrived. In Machete Trejo, Alba and Rodriguez looked like they were having fun. The shitty performers in this god awful thing didn't appear to be having any fun at all.

*** SPOILERS ***

Mark Cuban was stiffly awful as a gun-toting president.
Tara Reid looks like red-assed hell. If she ever was attractive, she left that attribute behind years ago. And she can't act a single lick.
Bo Derek looked like a monkey with an electric drill got ahold of her face and body. And she can't act either.
Hasselhoff has become a joke in and of himself. Terrible.
The best actor in the entire damn movie was probably Matt Lauer. Either him or Chris Jericho of WWE. Or maybe Al Roker. Or maybe Cassie Scerbo's titties.

When the ultra shitty Ian Zeiring dove into a shark's mouth in space and then used the burning fish to survive re-entry to earth's atmosphere, it was pretty obvious this ridiculous film series had -- pardon the pun -- jumped the shark.

If you're going to do a stupid movie, do a stupid movie. Give it some lightness and levity. This thing was just a cardboard turd floating in a pool of doo doo water.

Masochist.

Godfather · « **Reply #1953 on:** July 31, 2015, 11:48:17 AM »

Quote from: wesfau2 on July 29, 2015, 08:00:32 AM

Masochist.

He enjoys it.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #1954 on:** July 31, 2015, 12:03:23 PM »

What does chewing food have to do with any of this?

Kaos · « **Reply #1955 on:** August 01, 2015, 02:35:30 AM »

Pixels

Adam Sandler makes shitty movies. He makes shitty movies for one reason: To put himself onscreen with women he would never be able to touch in real life.

Click: Kate Beckinsale
Blended: Drew Barrymore
Grownups: Salma Hayek
Just Go With It: Jennifer Aniston
Zohan: Emmanuelle Chriqui
Deeds: Wynona Rider

And so on.

This movie was to give him the chance to attach himself to Michelle Monaghan by doing the same old mumble mouthed loser with a good heart routine that supposedly endears himself to all the other women in all the other movies.

Here he's an ex video game wizard called upon to save the earth.

The CGI was fantastic (3D isn't worth the upcharge for sure, though) and the story was different from anything we've seen. But Adam Sandler is a lazy fuck. He makes movies that have great potential but are lazy and uninspired. He drags his loser friends around in those movies when they shouldn't be on screen. Kevin James is terrible. Josh Gad wasn't given enough freedom. Tyrion Lannister screwed up by having a terrible accent.

So much of the movie would have worked for me, though. The video game references were on target. So too were the cultural references from Reagan to Rourke to Hall and Oates.

When I was 14 an arcade called Wizards opened up in the middle of the town square. It became THE place to go for teenagers age 14-17. Girls were always hanging around in terrycloth shorts and tube tops (whilst wearing lip gloss). Dudes smoked out front and played video games and pinball inside. I worked the hayfields in the daytime to make money and then squandered it there on bootleg booze, smokes and rolls of quarters to play games.

Asteroids
Joust
Centipede
Burger Time
Pitfall
Pac Man
Defender
Galaxians
Donkey Kong
Frogger
Space Invaders

And the greatest arcade game ever: Galaga. I could play Galaga for hours. Pretty damn good at it, actually.

Those were some pretty fantastic times. Go play some games, ride to the county line with some friends (and girls if one were fortunate), down a few, have a little fun and then head back to hit the arcade again. No cell phones, parents didn't know where you were except "at Wizards." Of course the old folks tried to shut it down. Didn't like us kids loitering with our loud music and long hair and funny cigarettes. Didn't like finding Mary Jane's panties on top of the trash can in the alley. Then some numb fuck hit the police station with a pipe bomb when they started hassling us regularly. And Wizards was no more. Curfew. Awesome times.

Anyway, I digress.

This movie got all that right. The arcade games were a major (and serious) part of life. I remember the newspaper back home doing a profile on a guy who played Asteroids for something like 40 straight hours without losing a life or something.

It was so crazy and cool to hear the video game sounds -- like the little warbling scream the human characters made in Defender -- as part of the film. My teenage girls were not as enamored. None of those retro references resonated with them at all.

They still liked the movie and recognized Pac Man and Donkey Kong, but the rest went over their heads.

It was better than the typical Sandler turd burger, but still wasn't a "must see" movie. Fun enough but no real laughs.

Kaos · « **Reply #1956 on:** August 01, 2015, 02:47:36 AM »

It Follows

Imagine two snails fucking. Two elderly snails. Two geriatric snails. In slow motion.

That's the pace at which this alleged horror movie moved.

The premise was decent. You have sex and the person with which you had the relations passes on a demonic presence that follows you and tries to kill you. The only way to get rid of it is to have sex with somebody else and the demon then becomes their problem. Only issue there is that if the person doesn't escape the demon and is killed by it, the demon reverts back to you and you gotta fuck again to rid yourself of it. Nobody can see the demon but you.

Too bad the movie was completely mishandled by the worst director on the face of the earth. Long lingering shots of tree branches that were unrelated in any way to the story. When the two main characters go to visit a school, you hear the morning announcements in their entirety despite the fact that none of the announcements are related to the story either. Continually stupid setups. Just horrible directing.

You get the demon, the solution is easy. If you are a man you go fuck a prostitute. Within 24 hours you're six or seven down the demon depth chart. If you are a woman, you fuck your man and then invite him to go fuck a prostitute. End of story.

Instead this movie just dragged around looking at trees, several miles of graffiti, a couple of car rides showing streets filled with run down houses, a really stupid pool scene and the least scary "demons" in the history of moviedom.

I love horror movies and this shit filled dunce fest was hailed as one of the great new additions to the genre.

It sucked leprosy-riddled hedgehog dicks.

Don't watch this movie or you'll think Snowpiercer was pretty fucking fantastic. And it wasn't.

The Six · « **Reply #1957 on:** August 03, 2015, 08:53:15 AM »

Mission Impossible 5

Kind of like Mission Impossible 4. No love story angle which was nice. Some crazy stunts. Shaun of the Dead is funny. Popcorn movie but mostly fun unless you apply an ounce of brain power to it. Then you'll realize how stupid the plot really is but turn your brain off for two hours and fun can be had.

Side note: never do popcorn on a Sunday afternoon. Pretty sure they are serving me warmed up stuff from Saturday and my anus is still mad at me for that small helping.

Kaos · « **Reply #1958 on:** August 04, 2015, 04:57:41 PM »

Quote from: The Six on August 03, 2015, 08:53:15 AM

Mission Impossible 5

Kind of like Mission Impossible 4. No love story angle which was nice. Some crazy stunts. Shaun of the Dead is funny. Popcorn movie but mostly fun unless you apply an ounce of brain power to it. Then you'll realize how stupid the plot really is but turn your brain off for two hours and fun can be had.

Side note: never do popcorn on a Sunday afternoon. Pretty sure they are serving me warmed up stuff from Saturday and my anus is still mad at me for that small helping.

Side note: Kaos is my name.

DnATL · « **Reply #1959 on:** August 04, 2015, 08:22:58 PM »

Quote from: Kaos on August 04, 2015, 04:57:41 PM

Quote from: The Six on August 03, 2015, 08:53:15 AM
Mission Impossible 5

Kind of like Mission Impossible 4. No love story angle which was nice. Some crazy stunts. Shaun of the Dead is funny. Popcorn movie but mostly fun unless you apply an ounce of brain power to it. Then you'll realize how stupid the plot really is but turn your brain off for two hours and fun can be had.

Side note: never do popcorn on a Sunday afternoon. Pretty sure they are serving me warmed up stuff from Saturday and my anus is still mad at me for that small helping.
Side note: Kaos is my name.

Did you also catch a Sunday afternoon madanus?