Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[Kaos]

If I Stay

I have girls.  Sometimes I make sacrifices.  This was one. 

Terrible, stupid, vapid movie.  There were only two other guys in the theater which was about half filled.  At times the teenage girls in the movie were sobbing/bawling so loudly that you couldn't even hear the dialogue. 

What were they crying for?  I couldn't figure it out.  I can be moved by movies. I'll even admit to getting a tear or two in Little Mermaid (only at the end when the dad let the daughter go).  But I got absolutely nothing out of this. 

The movie seemed as if it was written by a 15-year old, a child who has no concept of what true relationships should look like, no idea of what love means, no understanding of what's important in life.  It was sappy crappy treacle which traded on the worst possible motivations for behaviors. 

I was really, really surprised and saddened at just how little screen presence Chloe-Grace Morentz has.  I love her as Hit Girl. She was okay in Carrie. But here, she's expected to carry the movie and she is nothing but a cardboard cutout. 

The film tracked her internal decision to live or die after she was seriously injured in a car accident. Through a series of jarring "where are we in the timeline?" flashbacks, you learn about her relationship with her parents and her on and off boyfriend.  She's supposed to be some brilliant celloist with a yen fir Beethoven. He's a budding punk rock star. 

The music is gratingly awful and there's no way the boyfriend's "band" would draw any interest unless the film was set in 1968. 

Both characters were completely self-absorbed. Their emotional range was non-existent. Rage to adoration to despair all within the same smug, quirky expression. 

We've seen tons of these type of movies, from Love Story to Brian's Song to Endless Love to the recent sappy Fault In Our Stars crap.  This one was just absolutely terrible. Forced emotions, two of the most self-involved characters I've ever seen in a movie and a shallow, pathetic message at the end. 

Horrible.

[smooth_operator]

Let's Be Cops

It came so close to being uproariously funny.  But the movie was just afraid to take that extra step and completely go over the edge.  On the few occasions when it did push past the norm it had some good comedy moments, but it would almost always defuse those by drifting back into some lame romance thing that nobody cared about whatsoever or it would decide to get serious for a minute or two or it would try to wring some emotional "loser makes good" drama out of it. 

It was funny in places, uneven and sporadic in many more.  Not the worst comedy I've ever seen.  Not the best, either.

The funny part of this movie was all the torture tools were from someone's tackle box.
The knife was a Berkeley fillet knife which is about 8 dollars at Walmart and those pliers are the same type I carry in my salt water bag because some of those sumbitches have big teeth.
There were some hugely funny bits but too much time between

[Kaos]

Old Dogs

One of the "hey, Robin Williams is dead let's watch one of his movies" moments.  This was a pretty bad choice. 

"Genius" sports marketers Williams and John Travolta have a kazillion dollar Japanese mega deal in the works when Williams finds out a fling he had years ago with Kelly Preston (Travolta's real life wife) led to a pair of twins. He ends up having to take care of them when Preston goes to jail for two weeks and we get the usual bumbling dad makes good and learns to love while at the same time nailing the business deal in an unconventional way storyline. 

This film reminds you again that John Travolta is a terrible actor. In certain roles he's okay. Playing a human being isn't one of those. 

It also reminds you again just how socially awkward Williams is.  He tries to play it straight without his typical bizarre explosions of manic personalities and looks painfully out of place.  Asked to show real emotion and he looks like he's being tasered. Not one single time does he manage to convey an appropriate response that resonates. 

The only time the movie is funny is when he gets to do a little of his usual schtick on a golf course due to taking the wrong medication. The rest of the movie fails. 

Watching Travolta and Williams fail so miserably at trying to portray human beings made me wonder if the pair aren't really aliens masquerading as humans.  Neither of them looked capable of conveying any basic human feeling or carrying on a real interaction.  They're both terribly awkward and robotic.

[GH2001]

Old Dogs

One of the "hey, Robin Williams is dead let's watch one of his movies" moments.  This was a pretty bad choice. 

"Genius" sports marketers Williams and John Travolta have a kazillion dollar Japanese mega deal in the works when Williams finds out a fling he had years ago with Kelly Preston (Travolta's real life wife) led to a pair of twins. He ends up having to take care of them when Preston goes to jail for two weeks and we get the usual bumbling dad makes good and learns to love while at the same time nailing the business deal in an unconventional way storyline. 

This film reminds you again that John Travolta is a terrible actor. In certain roles he's okay. Playing a human being isn't one of those. 

It also reminds you again just how socially awkward Williams is.  He tries to play it straight without his typical bizarre explosions of manic personalities and looks painfully out of place.  Asked to show real emotion and he looks like he's being tasered. Not one single time does he manage to convey an appropriate response that resonates. 

The only time the movie is funny is when he gets to do a little of his usual schtick on a golf course due to taking the wrong medication. The rest of the movie fails. 

Watching Travolta and Williams fail so miserably at trying to portray human beings made me wonder if the pair aren't really aliens masquerading as humans.  Neither of them looked capable of conveying any basic human feeling or carrying on a real interaction.  They're both terribly awkward and robotic.

He was decent in Ladder 49. He actually showed emotion and cared. Little cheesy but it was decent. One of the few movies where I saw grown men tearing up in the threater.

[Snaggletiger]

I'll echo the reviews already given on Guardians of the Galaxy.  Surprisingly entertaining.  Took mini just to have something to do on a Saturday afternoon before foosballz season cranks up.  Definitely worth the rental. 

[Kaos]

As Above, So Below

As a movie, so it sucked.

Genius (and sorta cute) researcher goes trawling through the catacombs of Paris in search of some alchemy stone.  A few jump scares here and there, some bizarre and completely unexplained imagery, some random events that didn't make sense or had no context, and some really bad acting slung together to make a story that was neither emotional drama nor horror.

Complete waste of time.

[jmar]

Take time to watch The Words.

Not sure if anyone has seen this not having an updated past listing of reviews here but this is as well done overall as I have seen in several months. Stars  Bradley Cooper, Jeremy Irons and Dennis Quaid.
Definitely not a waste of time as so many are.
I'm sort of new to Cooper and never had much interest in Quaid's ability beyond that window of time when he was much younger. I watched it with no prior knowledge other than the mini-synopsis in the listings and was very happy I took the time.   

[Kaos]

No Good Deed

At the risk of sounding completely racist I have to say that my opinion of this movie was colored by the makeup of the audience. The theater was completely full and my friend and I were the only white people in the room.

It was cacophony. 

Woman in front of us stayed on her phone the entire time except for three two minute segments after an usher came and told her to put t away. The conversation went like this through most of the movie:

"Ohhhhnshit. This bitch fiddn to get her ass kilt! Hold on, hd on..... OH FUCK, he done hit her with the goddam shovel!!"

The entire theater erupted in pandemonium at about four different events.  I'm talking popcorn throwing, monkey madness.

There were at least a dozen "comedians" offering loud and profane running commentary. They drew hooting and hollering from the audience at inappropriate times.

Four white characters in the film. All were killed. None were bad guys. The murder of each drew cheers from the crowd. Even when the homicidal lead gunned down a cop they cheered loudly. Screamed their appreciation at the murder of "that stupid ass whitey." 

Don't ever tell me again that there are not differences. I've never gone to a movie and carried on like that to the point that others could not even hear the movie at al

As for the movie? It was okay. Idris Elba has a powerful screen presence. The twist as to the reason he ended up where he did was well handled and hidden. But the female lead was lacking.  In the end, the hidden surprise actually made the movie trite and less compelling.

If you watch the movie ask yourself this question: "hotel? Why when there was a note on the pillow?"

Or note as one obnoxious female shouter did multiple times during the film " GODDAM these niggahs got some nice ass houses."

[Kaos]

Draft Day

Kevin Costner proved once again why he has been unable to sustain the success that followed his turns in Bull Durham and Field of Dreams.  His twisted-mouth mumblings only take him so far.  Jennifer Garner further proved why her star has fallen completely off the map and she's doing airline seating commercials these days.  She was plastic and completely unconvincing. 

The movie was slow. It was contrived. It was hackneyed. It was clichéd. It was improbable. It was ridiculous. 

Boo.

[Kaos]

Sabotage
Quite possibly the worst movie I've ever seen. The performances were worse than anything in KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park. 

An aging Arnold leads a team of rogue DEA agents in an asinine story that involves revenge and betrayal. Let's make a list of the people in this movie who cannot act a lick:
 
Arnold Schwarzenegger  (goes without saying, he's done the same character with little variation for 40 years)
Sam Worthington
Joe Manganiello  (Better hang on to the penis pump and hope for Magic Mike 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12. Not going to make enough money acting to support himself otherwise if this effort is any indication. What a maroon.)
Josh Holloway
Terrence Howard (Keeps on proving why he's the black John Travolta. Absolutely zero acting talent. Can't even lend any gravitas to this small role. Look how uncomfortable he appears holding a gun in every scene.)
Max Martini
Kevin Vance
Mark Schlegel 
Ned Yousef
Mireille Enos (Horribly, horribly bad. One of the worst cases of overacting I've ever seen. Completely inappropriate emotional reactions in nearly every scene she was in. Gratingly, achingly, disgustingly awful performance. Can't recall when I've seen a worse effort.)
Maurice Compte
Martin Donovan (Completely wasted, typically not this awful an actor)
Michael Monks 
Nick Chacon
Tim Ware  (Hilariously bad)
Gary Grubbs
B.J. Winfrey
Kendrick Cross
Hakim Callender
Troy Garity
Morgan Alexandria
Jermaine Holt 
Jaime FitzSimons
Everton Lawrence
Neko Parham 
Olivia Williams (Among the worst of a sad, sorry lot. Her jumping of Arnie's bones was sickeningly creepy and out of character)
Harold Perrineau  (Can apparently only act when confined to a wheelchair)
DeWayne Calhoun
Maia Moss-Fife 
Parisa Johnston
Alan Gilmer
Emily B. Torres
Catherine Dyer
Patrick Johnson
Jose L. Vasquez
Eddie J. Fernandez
Adrian F. Gonzalez
Jared Woods
Antony Matos
Laurence Chavez
Maya Santandrea
Travis Lee Young
Terry Gragg
Paul Anthony Barreras
Amy Parrish
Elizabeth Davidovich
Andrew Comrie-Picard
Andrew Fincher
Mario Ramirez Reyes
Melissa Martinez
Michelle Alvarado Martins
Jimmy Ortega
Sabrina LeBrun 
Luis Moncada 
Chris Trouble Delfosse 
Carlos Ayala 
Daniel Moncada

All of these people suck at acting.

Wooden dialogue didn't help. Neither did a ridiculous story, out of place scenes and some of the stupidest setups in the history of film.  The "comedy" relief of this film was two black "cops" arguing whether their dicks would fit inside a jar of piss and another black guy asking about the size of Arnie's dick after he railroaded a butch lady cop.   

This was a messy abortion of a movie.  Just horrible.

[Kaos]

A Walk Among the Tombstones

Walk is right.  For about 100 of the movie's 113 minute run-time that's about all Liam Neeson does: Walk around.  He walks through the city at night. Walks through the cemetery during the day. Walks through the city in the rain. Walks at night AND in the rain.  Walks here. Walks there.

I like Liam Neeson. With anyone else in the lead role this film would have been unbearable. But his screen presence and hangdog intensity keeps a slow-moving story intact until it finally gets to the end -- at which point the director jerks off on the screen and ruins it with some jarring juxtapositions.  My only complaint with his performance here (and just about anywhere) is that he refuses to get a dialogue coach who can wring anything resembling a decent American accent out of him. 

A lot of things wrong here. The side story about the sidekick with a disease was not needed. But if you're going to go there, at least bring some closure to the sidebar.  Don't let the kid get his ass beat and not have Liam dispense some 70-year old justice on their punk asses.

Casting was also terrible. Other than Neeson, TJ and the creepy cemetery guy, the casting was a shit show.  Some guy from Downton Abbey was horrible as a supposed drug dealer. Brought nothing to the role at all.  He sucked. He worse than sucked. His inability to portray his character very nearly brought the whole film to a halt. 

I really had a lot of trouble with several important scenes in the film. 

1) The bad guys spot a potential target, one they didn't expect, and all of a sudden there's this slow-motion visual with a soaring track from Donovan or something like that.  Very weird, very out of place, very WTF

2) At what should have been the final confrontation, the director chose to go into some weird ass freeze frame shit with voice-overs repeating the 12 steps of AA.  It just didn't fit with the rest of the movie which had been traditionally (if slowly) paced to that point. 

3) The sadistic killers who had no remorse and were savvy enough to stay ahead of everyone hunting them wouldn't have been duped into a meeting and certainly wouldn't have let anyone live/walk away from there if they had.  Completely silly.

Neeson was the saving grace.  He managed to make even some really stupid situations seem reasonable. 

[Snaggletiger]

Captain Phillips.  Already reviewed, I believe.  Just my .02 that the fact that it was based on real events made it even more riveting.  When all the pirating was going on during that time period, I was always wondering how in the world did these ships get taken over in the first place?  The Maersk is a huge cargo ship so I couldn't understand how they even got on board.  I'm still amazed at how they did it but the fact that apparently these ships aren't allowed to have firearms aboard made it a bit easier.  I assume they can't have weapons because if they did, none of these pirates would have been successful at boarding the ship.

You know Hanks is going to deliver but the cast of Somali pirates was first rate, especially the leader, Muse.  You almost felt sorry for him by the end.  The show was intense throughout and big props to the bad ass Navy SEALS.  But the very last scene was easily the best and one of the reasons Hanks is one of the best.  Not giving anything away but when they bring Hanks back on board and he's being checked out by the doc, just wow.  She's examining him and firing off questions about what's going on with him while he's so emotional and in shock that he can barely answer.  One of those scenes that took a decent movie to another level, at least for me anyway.

[Kaos]

Captain Phillips.  Already reviewed, I believe.  Just my .02 that the fact that it was based on real events made it even more riveting.  When all the pirating was going on during that time period, I was always wondering how in the world did these ships get taken over in the first place?  The Maersk is a huge cargo ship so I couldn't understand how they even got on board.  I'm still amazed at how they did it but the fact that apparently these ships aren't allowed to have firearms aboard made it a bit easier.  I assume they can't have weapons because if they did, none of these pirates would have been successful at boarding the ship.

You know Hanks is going to deliver but the cast of Somali pirates was first rate, especially the leader, Muse.  You almost felt sorry for him by the end.  The show was intense throughout and big props to the bad ass Navy SEALS.  But the very last scene was easily the best and one of the reasons Hanks is one of the best.  Not giving anything away but when they bring Hanks back on board and he's being checked out by the doc, just wow.  She's examining him and firing off questions about what's going on with him while he's so emotional and in shock that he can barely answer.  One of those scenes that took a decent movie to another level, at least for me anyway.

You should have read my review. 

[Catphish Tilly]

You know Hanks is going to deliver but the cast of Somali pirates was first rate, especially the leader, Muse.  You almost felt sorry for him by the end. 

It's my understanding, the actor didn't fair much better than the character he played.  Read he was paid pennies to begin with, blew what little he did earn pretty quickly, and was stuck renting the tux he wore to the Oscar ceremony. Bummer.

[Snaggletiger]

You should have read my review.

Mine was better.  But srsly, the two things that stood out to me were how these pirates could board a monster like that ship in the first place.  Can any of you sailor types confirm that firearms are a no no for these ships in international waters?  I would think that with the amount of pirate activity going on during that time that these crews could protect themselves. 

The other was again, that last scene.  The movie itself was good but apparently we had a lot of dust or something floating around in the room because I definitely got a bunch of it in my eyes.  Irritated the hell out of them.  The sheer emotion Hanks showed, like the tension and stress of all the events came crashing down on him.  Powerful stuff.

[Kaos]

Dracula Untold

Ol' Vlad the Impaler was really a family man.  He turned to vampirism merely to save his wife and son. 

Tyrion Lannister was the original vamp which was a nice surprise.  The rest was just B-movie monster lore. 

The CGI was pretty good when Drac transformed into a swirl of bats and the leads were nice to look at, but the story was pretty ho-hum and the film filled with over-emoting actors. 

Worth a rental. 

[The Six]

Kaos, you see Gone Girl or Annabelle yet? Hoping to read those thoughts soon.

[Kaos]

Gone Girl

Would have written this sooner but I went in to see the movie on October 8 and it just let out. 


Good GOD what a long movie.  I was already feeling "wow, this is waaaay too long" and then realized we hadn't even seen Tyler Perry or that horsey face bama bitch yet. 

It was a good movie.  But just way too long. Like Gone With the Wind played twice while it was on long. 

Obviously I can't get past the extreme length.

No heroes, only anti heroes.  Affleck did a good job basically playing himself but gave me no confidence he can pull off batman (despite some not-too-subtle digs at the batman angst). The ice queen was okay. The best part of the movie was the girl playing ben's sister. She's Nora Dunn from The Leftovers and coincidentally the best part of that show too.

The movie can be summed up thusly: That bitch is crazy and he's not much better. 

A little implausible in the denoument, way (WAY) too long and a little improbable here and there. 

It was amusing to hear a bathroom full of men deconstructing the film in the aftermath.  Trust me, it's so long everybody has to piss immediately after it ends. The consensus seemed to be that Ben should have just hired the equalizer instead of madea. 

[Kaos]

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Ben Stiller is just not a good actor.  He befouled this movie.  It wasn't going to be that good to begin with, but he just stinks. 

This is one of those movies that tried really hard to make Kristen Wiig fuckable and almost succeeded.

It sort of meandered, skirting the line between what was real and what was imagined. And it told a clichéd, blasé story. 

It mushed my brain. 

Boo Ben Stiller.  Suck it. 

[GH2001]

This is one of those movies that tried really hard to make Kristen Wiig fuckable and almost succeeded.

She is.