Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[GH2001]

The Woman In Black
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1596365/

As far as basic rules to live by, there aren't really that many.

1) Never ask a woman when she's due.  She might just be fat.
2) In a relationship, never ask a question unless you're already pretty sure what the answer is going to be (this applies to business and personal).
3) If you have to choose between work and family, never choose work. 
4) Don't eat at a Chinese buffet after 1:30.
5) Don't expect much when a "horror" movie is rated PG-13.

The Woman In Black was ridiculous.  Poor Harry Potter tried his damndest, but even he couldn't wizard this one out of the bog.

What was wrong with it?  First it wasn't scary in the least.  When a movie resorts to blaring the music in order to get the audience to jump it's already failed.  Or when it randomly inserts a face screaming for no reason into a period of silence, that's fail number two.  This movie did both.  Repeatedly. 

Nobody is going to care so I'm going to spoil the fuck out of this one. 

They couldn't pull the carriage out of the marsh because no one had a car?  Seriously?  That weasel little car could pull better than a dozen men or more?  And if you pull a child up from the bog after some number of years he's going to be rotted away to bones for jeeber's sake. 

And what fool is going to walk around some haunted old mansion to see what the silly ass noises are?  Or follow footprints without bothering to take up some kind of weapon beyond a candle. 

And where did the damn dog go?  And what was the crazy drama with fuckstick's wife?

Asinine plot, silly fucking ending and a boring ass movie.

I went to sleep twice in the theater as Harry Potter moped around the dusty old house. 

I give this one five solid boos and half a meh.

Didn't think it was good but not bad either.

On some of your questions:

You've never seen a sphagnum bog have you? A human could not pull anything out of one. We're talking thick stacked layers of goo. Also, bogs like that are known for preserving bodies for years especially in Europe.

The nut job wife was possessed. And also crazy from losing her son to the ways of the woman in black.

The rest you asked about is probably just for show and to sell tickets. Walking the house, loud music, etc.

[Kaos]

Didn't think it was good but not bad either.

On some of your questions:

You've never seen a sphagnum bog have you? A human could not pull anything out of one. We're talking thick stacked layers of goo. Also, bogs like that are known for preserving bodies for years especially in Europe.

The nut job wife was possessed. And also crazy from losing her son to the ways of the woman in black.

The rest you asked about is probably just for show and to sell tickets. Walking the house, loud music, etc.

So that broke ass car and a rope is more powerful than a dozen men and a horse?   The car had bicycle tires for cripes sake.   I don't buy that part of it. 

I'll take your word that bogs can preserve bodies but I call pffftttt on most of the rest of the film. 

When they climbed out of the muck dripping with black goo I was glad to see there was a laundry close by to clean and press his entire suit and dry his shoes completely out.  Not a single spot on either.  Oh what, there wasn't a laundry?  Pfftt pf pf pf pf pffff pff pffffffft.

The movie was incredibly dull to me.   If they didn't have the volume turned up to 13 when some random whore screamed I would have dozed off for sure.

[Vandy Vol]

The Woman In Black

. . .

And what fool is going to walk around some haunted old mansion to see what the silly ass noises are?  Or follow footprints without bothering to take up some kind of weapon beyond a candle.

[GH2001]

So that broke ass car and a rope is more powerful than a dozen men and a horse?   The car had bicycle tires for cripes sake.   I don't buy that part of it. 

I'll take your word that bogs can preserve bodies but I call pffftttt on most of the rest of the film. 

When they climbed out of the muck dripping with black goo I was glad to see there was a laundry close by to clean and press his entire suit and dry his shoes completely out.  Not a single spot on either.  Oh what, there wasn't a laundry?  Pfftt pf pf pf pf pffff pff pffffffft.

The movie was incredibly dull to me.   If they didn't have the volume turned up to 13 when some random whore screamed I would have dozed off for sure.

Agree in your assessment of dull. Probably a better adjective than bad. Radcliffe and the guy that played Mr Dailey were decent, but the entire rest of the cast was awful. They couldn't carry the movie alone, and they certain couldn't overcome the bad writing and screenplay. The ending did not suit me.

[Kaos]

The Skin I Live In

Supposedly a creepy psychological film that so shocked film goers in Cannes that the viewers flooded from the theater in disgust. 

I'm down for that. 

If this was that?  Then those people need to get a grip. 

Had the story been told in sequential fashion, the big pervy reveal might have been much more shocking.  Instead it was told in a series of flashbacks and flash forwards so that by the time the nature of the reveal was actually revealed, the reveal had already happened and therefore lost whatever shock value it might have had. 

The end, in particular, was a complete fizzle.

The Nasonex Bee tried really hard to summon an air of deranged depravity but this is a role Mr. Bee Banderas just didn't quite have the depth to manage.  The occasional smirk and glib nonchalance was more suited to Puss in Boots than a character of supposedly completely unsound mind.  You didn't buy him as a brilliant and fabulously wealthy surgeon and you didn't completely buy him as an obsessed psychopath either. This was a role that required him to unleash a little and he never got that edge. 

The story, what there was of it, was so jumbled but the concept in the right hands could be amazing. 

Dad exacts righteous, disturbed revenge on the man he blames for causing his daughter's death and in doing so brings said dead daughter back to "life."  That and that alone, without the sickish sexual twist, would be a strong film.  Add in the sick sexo part?   That would be something people would talk about for a long time.

The way this film was handled, however, completely fumbled the football.  Dropped it on the ground and kicked it out of the back of the endzone for a touchback. 

I expected so, so much more.   

[Kaos]

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Fairly interesting movie.  The Swedish/Switzerlandish/Norwayish (or whatever) set was sort of offputting.  If you're going to redo a movie with British and American actors change the setting.  Would have worked just as well if the rich family was in New England.

The titular girl was interesting in an odd way.  The story was pretty well told.  It had enough intrigue and occasional twists to keep it moving. 

The score was AWFUL and completely distracting.  Came close to ruining the film.  It was overbearing and obnoxious. 

A reasonably good movie but not worth the blizzard of hype that came with it.   If they make the second one I don't know if I'll bother watching it. 

[Saniflush]

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Fairly interesting movie.  The Swedish/Switzerlandish/Norwayish (or whatever) set was sort of offputting.  If you're going to redo a movie with British and American actors change the setting.  Would have worked just as well if the rich family was in New England.

The titular girl was interesting in an odd way.  The story was pretty well told.  It had enough intrigue and occasional twists to keep it moving. 

The score was AWFUL and completely distracting.  Came close to ruining the film.  It was overbearing and obnoxious. 

A reasonably good movie but not worth the blizzard of hype that came with it.   If they make the second one I don't know if I'll bother watching it.

The original is on Netflix.  Good watch.

[djsimp]

The original is on Netflix.  Good watch.

Watched it last night and thought it was pretty good. I found the freak bitch interesting too. I would do her.

[Godfather]

I'm surprised Kaos didn't say something about her elf"ish" ears.

[djsimp]

I'm surprised Kaos didn't say something about her elf"ish" ears.

Its amazing what eyebrows will do for you.

[Kaos]

Hard to notice ears with all the other freaky crap going on. 

[Saniflush]

I'm surprised Kaos didn't say something about her elf"ish" ears.

You should see if there are any foot pictures.

[Godfather]

You should see if there are any foot pictures.

Why is JR4AU interested?

[GH2001]

Why is JR4AU interested?

Instead of Pearl Necklaces, JR prefers "ankle bracelets" and "toe rings".

[Kaos]

The Killer Elite
Deniro, Statham, Clive Owen

I like Jason Statham less and less every time I see him in a movie.  Most of the time I can't understand his dialogue because he mumbles it and you add his accent on top of it and virtually every line he has comes out like "wazamuhberferla" 

Clive Owen is the worst.  He's made of wood shavings.  His performance here is as usual -- flat and listless.  He doesn't even rise to Travolta or Cage level worthlessness because it looks like he doesn't even try, he just drifts through scenes awkwardly.

I tried three times to watch this movie.  I went to sleep three times. 

It's supposed to be based on a true story.  Apparently a boring true story.  Maybe when I get through watching it (if I do) I'll have kinder things to say and edit this.

Edit. Finished it finally.  Was a waste.  Epic dud.

[JR4AU]

Instead of Pearl Necklaces, JR prefers "ankle bracelets" and "toe rings".

 

[GH2001]

The Killer Elite
Deniro, Statham, Clive Owen

I like Jason Statham less and less every time I see him in a movie.  Most of the time I can't understand his dialogue because he mumbles it and you add his accent on top of it and virtually every line he has comes out like "wazamuhberferla" 

Clive Owen is the worst.  He's made of wood shavings.  His performance here is as usual -- flat and listless.  He doesn't even rise to Travolta or Cage level worthlessness because it looks like he doesn't even try, he just drifts through scenes awkwardly.

I tried three times to watch this movie.  I went to sleep three times. 

It's supposed to be based on a true story.  Apparently a boring true story.  Maybe when I get through watching it (if I do) I'll have kinder things to say and edit this.

Clive Owen is usually good when he is in the right role. I blame a lot of his latest gaffes on movie selection. I find him similar to Sean Bean and to a lesser extent Liam Nisson. I don't see too many things that Nisson is in where he is bad. The movie maybe, but not him. Clive has a ton of upside, its a shame he underperforms in BAD movies.

[The Six]

I recently watched Hulk from 2003.

I don't get why people hate this so much. It's bold. Daring. Not setting up a franchise or merchandise line. I liked it. Oh, Nick Nolte is way over the top but when is he not and any good?

Way more interesting than Edward Norton. Too bad the "official" Marvel Avengers-verse is ignoring this one in favor of Norton's set up film.

[Kaos]

The Thing

Prequel to the 1982 John Carpenter gore fest The Thing.  That was a good movie. And it had Wilford Brimley.

This one was really sort of unnecessary. 

Basically the same thing happened as in the one from 1982 and in sort of the same way.   

There was a Thing.  It came from outer space. It gnawed on people. It replicated them.   It had some occasionally bad CGI.  It was very dark and you couldn't tell what was going on most of the time.

This movie and the 1982 version of The Thing are virtually interchangeable.  Same things happen in the same places. But the 1982 movie was better.  Better because it didn't look as silly as this one and it did so without the magic of CGI (which was wasted here). 

[Kaos]

The Hangover 2

Less probable than Hangover 1. 

Had a few moments, but never as good as it could be. 

Not a big Andy Bernard fan anyway.