Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[Kaos]

Kaos, you gotta watch "The Next Three Days" with Russell Crowe. It just came out on DVD and in my opinion its one of the best I have seen in a long time.

I don't think Crowe can act his way out of a paper bag. 

Him, Travolta, Cage and that awful, pathetic, stroke-faced Gerard Butler are the worst actors in the history of the universe.  They collectively make Adam West look like Nicholson or Depp.   

That said, I have the movie in my Netflix queue.  Glutton for punishment I suppose. 

[Godfather]

Kaos, you gotta watch "The Next Three Days" with Russell Crowe. It just came out on DVD and in my opinion its one of the best I have seen in a long time.

Watched it last night...some holes...but I give it.

 

[JR4AU]

The American

Should have just named it "The Slow and Shitty" 

What a plodding, boring load of crap.  Brooding piano. Brooding Clooney. Hot Italian prostitute.  Brood. Brood. Brood. Brood.  Never get anywhere.  Never offer even the slightest explanation of who anyone was, what they were doing or what purpose they served. 

Awful. 

If I'd paid to see that in the theaters....

Awful.

One of thase that was soooooo slow and bad I couldn't make myself endure until it got good, which apparently never happened.  The opening scene grabbed my attention, but then it quickly got shitty.

[Kaos]

One of thase that was soooooo slow and bad I couldn't make myself endure until it got good, which apparently never happened.  The opening scene grabbed my attention, but then it quickly got shitty.

Opening scene was good.  First five minutes and I thought the movie would fulfill.  But after that it just sank in somber boring piano music. 

Even that opening scene was never fully justified.  There was no rational explanation for his action.  It was simply unnecessary.  It set up nothing. 

[JR4AU]

Opening scene was good.  First five minutes and I thought the movie would fulfill.  But after that it just sank in somber boring piano music. 

Even that opening scene was never fully justified.  There was no rational explanation for his action.  It was simply unnecessary.  It set up nothing.

Product of bad edit?  Or what.  It made me have visions of "Mike's Murder".

[JR4AU]

The Social Network

Very well done movie. 

The pacing was a little uneven because of the bouncing back and forth in time. 

Eisenberg channeling Zuckerberg is a dismal, sad fuck.  Assuming the movie is anywhere close to reality, he's a psychological mess and will likely be miserable regardless of the success or failure of his efforts. 

One casting change I would have made was the CFO.  That guy didn't carry his part IMO.  Eisenberg plays that exact same guy in everything I've seen him in only with varying degrees of misery. 

Not a movie that everybody would care for, but it was good. 

I was primarily disappointed because I was really hoping to get some intel on what the fucking "like" button meant and how to change between profiles, but they never got into that at all.

Agree.  Wonder if the truth about how it all went down is as interesting as  the movie.

[Kaos]

The Collector

Part Saw, part Hostel, part Silence of the Lambs (well, not much of that), part Hellraiser The Collector is essentially a torture fest for people who derive pleasure from torture for the sake of torture. 

The premise is sort of ridiculous.  The ending sucks donkey nuts.  The alternate ending was better, but still completely lacking in resolution. 

The film created a series of setups for which there was no solution.  If you're going to watch, stop reading.

But I've got a ton of questions.

1) Why bother with the whole family backstory if you're not going to address in in the denouement?
2) Why bother with the entire who's paying who setup if it's going to be nothing more than a dangling thread with no meaning?
3) How exactly was the idiotic box supposed to be "bait"?  What purpose did it serve at all?  Stupid.
4) We watched the family drive away together to go on vacation.  Why the fuck were they back at the house?
5) Why was teen-whore with the soft pillow bag tits and henious face out with dickweed?  She'd been forced on the family vacation, too.
6) Why did stupid fuck keep hitting the horn? What dumbass does that?
7) Just how in the hell did The Collector have time to completely "Home Alone" the entire house?  And to what end?  if he had the family restrained, why set the ridiculously elaborate traps? 
8) Why set the traps if he's just going to firebomb the house anyway?
9) Why did dumbfuck criminal keep allowing himself to get right crossed by the damn psycho?

If you get a stiffy from random, senseless torture porn done not nearly as cleverly as Saw, climb on board.  Otherwise? Pass.

[Kaos]

The A-Team

Really didn't expect much.  So that's what I basically got.  It was better than I expected and far better than the reviews led me to believe it would be.  Some was a little far-fetched, but it had its moments. 

Cast:

Liam Neeson - Did an adequate job.  I normally like him but I didn't warm to him in this role at all. His accent was off-putting.  Would have preferred maybe James Brolin, DeNiro, Eastwood, Harrison Ford, Bruce Willis or Malkovich as Hannibal. 

Bradley Cooper was very good in the Dirk Benedict role and hammed it up to just the right extent.

Whoever played BA?  Boo.  Would rather have had the role be completely different than that guy doing it.  Didn't buy him at all. 

The Murdock character was fair and had a funny moment or two.  But he reminded me of one of those insufferable Wilson brothers -- I bet he is one, isn't he? 

Jessica Biel - ick.  She was not that hot, needed a bra and completely out of her depth.  In retrospect i can't think of any role she's really done well.  She's not a good actress and not quite as hot as some seem to think.  Oh, I'd do her.  But she's down the list.  Sorry, Jess.

The guy who played Raoul in Phantom of the Opera was good.  Added a lot. 

Brian Bloom who I sort of thought was Richard Grieco added eyebrows. 

It wasn't a bad movie.  Just popcorny.  Seemed to have a hard time deciding if it wanted to be a serious action flick or pure camp. 

[Kaos]

The Runaways

Didn't finish it.  Was just stupid as far as I could tell.  And I fucking hate the Twilight bitch.  She sucks.  Wouldn't fuck her with a cold vampire dick.

I only made about 25 minutes before I just gave up. 

The only redeeming feature I saw at all?   The guy who played Damone in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (one of the greatest movies of all time) showed up as a music teacher.  Oddly I didn't recognize him by sight, but his voice was unmistakable.

[Godfather]

These reviews will not be complete until you give us a review on this...

[djsimp]

These reviews will not be complete until you give us a review on this...

WHAT.THE.FUCK!? Holy shit, I can not help but laugh. It looks more like they are setting up for a game of leap frog.

[Snaggletiger]

Who....could have possibly dreamed up something so completely.......oh forget it.

[AUChizad]

Saw Winter's Bone and Black Swan last night.

Didn't care for either.

Winter's Bone was treacherously slow. I don't get Jennifer Lawrence being tauted as highly as she was for her performance here. I found it to be pretty weak, to be honest. The visuals of Podunk-assed-white-trashville was someone interesting, but the story was quite dull for it's label as a "thriller".

Black Swan was better, but not by much. I don't mind a little artistic expression and a plot that is hard to ascertain what is real and what is imagined by the main character. But this was just lacking coherency to me, and was also pretty dull in parts. I guess what it comes down to is there was too much ballet for my taste. I could see where if you were into avant-garde theatrical ballet and, say, didn't like boxing, you might prefer this film over The Fighter, for example. What was worth seeing this film for, of course, is an "alone time" scene with Natalie Portman as well as some lesbo action with her and Mila Kunis.

[Kaos]

What was worth seeing this film for, of course, is an "alone time" seen with Natalie Portman as well as some lesbo action with her and Mila Kunis.

Would these clips perchance be available on YouTube? 

[War Eagle!!!]

Would these clips perchance be available on YouTube?

Um...yeah chad...get to linking this shit...

[Snaggletiger]

Um...yeah chad...get to linking this shit...

I giggled like a school girl

[Kaos]

Red Riding Hood

When i was a small child, my grandmother used to tell me the story of Little Red Riding Hood.  Always one of my favorites. I told the story (albeit with a few of my own flourishes) to my own kids. 

I realize this movie wasn't intended to be that story, but after sitting through it I really wish my grandmother could have come back from the dead and directed it at least. 

The movie had no idea what audience it was trying to reach. 

Since it was rated PG-13 the sex, violence and gore couldn't reach the level to draw the serious horror fan.  There was no sex, almost no cursing, and zero gore.   So it's not for horror fans.

It considered trying to be a romantic kind of thing, maybe on the Twilight level but that failed broadly.  There was no PG-13 tension between the lead characters. 

It could have played as a comedy but instead found unintentional humor with bad acting and asinine setups. 

It wasn't an action film.  It wasn't a drama.  It wasn't scary.  It wasn't uplifting. It flat out wasn't interesting. It offers nothing to any audience. 

Several actors you've seen polluted this film including the creepy Amish kid from Witness, Gary Oldman (who overhammed his part to no end) and Virginia Madsden.  All were wasted. 

I adore Amanda Seyfried.  I think she's achingly cute and can be seriously sexy.  Her work in Jennifer's Body and Chloe was mesmerizing.  Maybe it was because she had super hot lesbian scenes in both, i don't know.  (See severely edited Chloe scene below).   But even her smoldering cuteness and impossibly big eyes couldn't save this turd of a movie. 

So watch a little of Chloe set to some shitty music instead.

[Godfather]

CENTIPEDE!!

CENTIPEDE!!

CENTIPEDE!!

CENTIPEDE!!

CENTIPEDE!!

[Kaos]

Let Me In

i'd already seen the Swedish film Let The Right One In and was looking forward to an Americanized version of the creepy child vampire movie.  I was hoping the new film would scale back some of the brooding slowness and add some American flavor.

Unfortunately the American version was nothing but a carbon copy of the Swedish one.  Same impossibly ugly and creepy white kid, same constant backdrop of snow, even the same basic look for the wardrobe and sets.

The movie was set in Los Alamos New Mexico, where it apparently snows non-stop.  That threw me off from the beginning.  I could have accepted snow from Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, New Hampshire, New Jersey, Maine... But I spent the first half of the movie wondering whether or not it really snowed in New Mexico.

I wanted to like this movie.  Might have if I hadn't seen the Swedish one.  It was good because it was Swedish and weird.  This wasn't because it tried to shoehorn the entire Swedish experience into an American setting rather than taking the concept and updating it for an American audience.  It just felt wrong and artificial. 

If you're going to watch, I suggest the Swedish version available on Netflix on Demand.

[Kaos]

The Last Three Days

It was just fair.  Wasn't the worst movie I've ever seen, but it dragged for far too long. 

The opening argument was artificial and unnecessary.

It had its moments, but in the end I'd much rather he had just given up on the whole idea and hammered Olivia Wilde.