Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[Jumbo]

The Babysitters

Yet another movie that busts a taboo wide open. 

It's a little like Risky Business in reverse.  Babysitter hooks up with a dad and then helps her friends earn a little side money.  Of course it gets out of hand. 

Very weird movie.  The lead babysitter, Shirley, is oddly attractive.  Shows her sweaty midsection and crazily decent tits in one pretty cool scene.  Difficult to manage looking at them knowing that she's the daughter of Law & Order's Jack McCoy in real life. (Daa-DUMMMM)

For any guy who's ever hired a good looking baby sitter and had a random inappropriate thought while driving her home..... this is why you keep those thoughts locked away deep, deep in your head where they belong.

Lots of sad, seeking, lost, confused married schlumps finding validation and being manipulated by all-too-mature teenage girls.  Living the fantasy -- except the fantasy has fangs.

Only a little (okay, maybe a lot) unrealistic in the lack of consequences.  In the real world somebody's going to jail.  Jack McCoy (with help from Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson) would make sure of it.  Letting everybody skate is a story-telling fail. 

But of course everybody skated in Risky Business, too, so it's the filmmaker's prerogative.  The final spoken denoument makes no sense, though. 

Worth seeing just for Jack McCoy's daughter's sweaty tits.

WARNING NSFW....MAY CONTAIN BREASTS!

[Godfather]

insert Jumbo's video

Thank you, you saved me from having to watch the movie, I just saw the best part.

[Snaggletiger]

It just moved

[Godfather]

It just moved

I am calling your IT department!

[Snaggletiger]

I am calling your IT department!

Don't disturb them.  They are very happy right now.

[Saniflush]

Don't disturb them.  They are very happy right now.

I thought they cared?

[Snaggletiger]

I thought they cared?

My IT department cares very much about any movement.  They monitor such things closely.  THAT made IT move.

[Jumbo]

Thank you, you saved me from having to watch the movie, I just saw the best part.

Sorry I should have posted the disclaimer.

[Snaggletiger]

Sorry I should have posted the disclaimer.

WARNING: It could move

[Jumbo]

WARNING: It could move

Pet the sweaty.

[djsimp]

Brotherhood

College freshman Adam Buckley finds himself blindfolded in the back of a van dealing with the fact that he has to rob a convenience store as the final step of his initiation into the Sigma Zeta Chi fraternity. Minutes later he finds himself dealing with the fact that a fellow-pledge just got shot while doing it.

Frank, the senior fraternity brother in charge of the night’s events, is able to get the injured pledge out of the store alive, but the fraternity’s troubles are just beginning. Thinking they can get out of the situation without taking the pledge to a hospital, Frank decides the group will handle things themselves. But when every move is met with disaster, Adam must find it within himself to go against Frank and his new brothers in order to save his friend’s life.

After a string of suck ass DVD rentals, I think this is a sleeper. It was entertaining all the way through the movie and thats without all the high tech Hollywood special effects. I def suggest all to watch.

[JR4AU]

Solitary Man

This movie was what Wall Street II: Boring as Fuck really should have been. 

Change Michael Douglas' name from Ben to Gordon, change the business from car dealer to financial broker and the films easily could have been interchangeable -- except this one was better, way better than Wall Street.  It's the movie Wall Street could have been but failed miserably to attain.

This is one of those "how did this movie miss" curiosities that I don't understand.  It was released in 2009 nad just sort of disappeared from the radar. 

Top notch cast, but it just vanished.  Cost $15 million to make, did only about $4 mil box office.

It drifts into a very grey area early on, brushing up against an extremely uncomfortable and disturbing subject with serious taboos attached.  Maybe this is why the film never made a mainstream dent.  I'm sure it probably crossed enough lines to cause some pushback.

Michael Douglas, Danny DeVito, Susan Sarandon, Mary-Louise Parker, Imogene Poots, Jesse Eisenberg, Richard Schiff and Jenna Fischer (who says "fuck" at least twice) populate the cast.

An disturbing visit to a doctor sets an ultra successful businessman on a path of self-destruction.  He destroys everything that once meant anything to him and revels in his own debauchery.   

The film makes no apologies for occasional ambiguity, even at the end.  Was anything ever realy wrong with Ben or did he just freak out out of unwarranted fear?  Is he really a skeevy bastard or is he just reacting to his fear? Is it young ass or security that he seriously craves?

Douglas is completely at home playing this part.  He does the downtrodden rich like he was born into it.  He plays the lothario sleaze to perfection.  He rolls around in this role like your favorite dog in a piece of dead roadkill.  Ends up stinking like hell, but you can't help but like him even though he really has no redeeming qualities.

Sarandon, who I hate, wasn't bad.  Her scenes were limited and she didn't over act.  Fischer never got remotely naked and I have a hard time seeing her as anything but Pam.  She's not nearly as stuck as Pam as Jim is as Jim, but it is close.

The head turning scene at the very end is classic.  Closure would have been nice, but is there ever really any closure in life?  The ending was as open-ended as The Sopranos finale in its own weird way. 

Not the best movie I've ever seen, but as a character study it wasn't bad even though Douglas' take on this skeevy character has been studied repeatedly in film.  He's almost playing a caricature of the other skeeves he's played.

Still, if you can get past the taboo (which I won't spoil)  check out this superior version of Wall Street II.

Agree, but I still wanted closure in the end.

[Kaos]

Catfish

Ton of critical buzz, uproar because it was snubbed by the Academy Awards.  Supposedly groundbreaking. Allegedly a poignant portrayal of lost souls congregating on the Internet. 

I'm calling bullshit on the entire exercise. 

Nothing that happened in this so-called documentary was real.  Everything was completely scripted.  And poorly so.  You could see what was coming a mile away.  Every step was telegraphed.

Nev is a complete douche.  He should change his name to Naive.  What a stupid fag. 

Short version?  Douchey fag begins an online relationship.  Equally douchey fag friends decide to start filming his online interactions. (There's your first giveaway that this is totally fake, who films anybody talking to somebody online?  What could be more boring than watching somebody type?).  Douchey fag "falls in love" with one of the people he's chatting with and then these three douches decide to take a road trip to see what's real and what's not.  And who's surprised when things aren't exactly as they were represented. 

Fuck the idiots in this film.  Nev, Ariel, Joost and Angela can all suck it.  Complete and utter frauds. 

Moral of the story?  People are stupid.  That this fluff would draw critical acclaim illustrates yet again just how low our standards have fallen. 

We're just really retarded. 

[Kaos]

Human Centipede

Stupid.  And gross.  Significant inconsistencies. 

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

Eva Mendes is smoking hot.  Fairuza Baulk is hot and essentially wasted. 

Nicholas Cage is the absolute worst actor in the history of American film.  You put a sniveling gibbon in his role and this movie might have elevated itself.  With Cage?  Just an absolute, complete and total suckfest.  He fucks up every single scene he is in -- and he's in every fucking scene. 

I'm done with this assclown.  Unless it's Valley Girl or Raising Arizona, I won't watch another movie Mr. Cage is ever in.   If you took Will Ferrell, John Travolta, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, porn's Randy Spears, Owen Wilson, Brendan Fraser, Josh Hartnett and David Caruso and merged them all together, and they collectively had a baby they named Prudence with Kristen Stewart, dearl little Pru would be a much, much better actor than Nicholas Cage. 

He's without question the worst fucking actor on the planet and that's saying a lot.  I couldn't enjoy the movie and have no idea what the story was supposed to be thanks to his shit-tastic performance.  God he sucked balls.   

Here's a visual example of just how bad he sucked:


And another



And here's why I bothered:



And another

[Kaos]

Much Ado About Nothing

Kate Beckinsale, Denzel Washington, Keanau Reeves, Michael Keaton, Emma Thompson, Kenneth Branagh and House's friend from House. 

Great cast. 

Denzel is Keanau's brother.  I think that was done in the stage tradition of suspending reality.  Boys can play girls, girls boys and Denzel and Keanau are brothers and nobody bats an eye.  I batted.  It fucking confused me for far too long. 

Ken and Emma blithered and blathered hamming it up and gnawing on the bones of scenery.  They over-emoted, overacted and overreacted all of which fouled up the works. 

Kate was a freaking baby, just barely 20 when the movie was released.  She still had a puffy little baby face.  Love some kate, but she wasn't what you'd call 100% appealing. 

There was a purpose behind watching this particular film.   Daughter has to know it.  The beginning of the movie very nearly bored her out of watching the entire thing.  I had to make her sit through the pretentious setups before they got to the meat of the story.  But once she figured out what was going on she was fully engaged. 

Keanau sucked.  Sucked balls.  Ken and Emma were so over the top I wanted to punch both of them in the teeth.  They were four years into a marriage that only lasted two more beyond this film.  Already looked strained and old.  She was particularly bad, but I've never liked her in much of anything anyway. 

The movie was fluff.  Could have been done much better but it was tolerable at least. 

I get the impression that Branagh is a pretentious ass, though.  Real life. 

[AU_Tiger_2000]

Black Dynamite

I was flipping through the channels last night when this gem caught my eye.  At first I thought it was an actual '70's blaxploitation film, but I quickly caught on.  If you like the cheesiness of the '70's, movies that parody cliches, or mustaches you must see this.  It hits every '70's blaxploitation cliche available.  All I should really have to say is that the finale features a nun-chuck fight between a militant Shaft knockoff with a CIA issued license to kill and Richard Nixon in the Oval Office.  And to quote Roger Ebert from his review of the film.

I am happy to say it brings back an element sadly missing in recent movies, gratuitous nudity. Sexy women would "happen" to be topless in the 1970s movies for no better reason than that everyone agreed, including themselves, that their breasts were a genuine pleasure to regard -- the most beautiful naturally occurring shapes in nature, I believe. Now we see breasts only in serious films, for expressing reasons. There's been such a comeback for the strategically positioned bed sheet, you'd think we were back in the 1950s.

[Kaos]

Funhouse
Typical 80s era horror flick.  Obligatory shower scene with plump natural breasts. 

Side note:  I adore actual breasts with their funky nipples, odd shapes and fullness.  Fake breasts are not good.  I don't like them. 

Side note two: The plump breasts in the shower scene were later revealed to supposedly belong to a junior in high school.  Sixteen.  Of course she wasn't, but that was the connotation.

Obligatory lecherous jackass jock in an Members Only jacket who drives a loud muscle car. Obligatory glasses-wearing nerd who'd outkicked his poon coverage.  Obligatory obtuse parents and obligatory jerk little brother. 

Cheesy sub-human wearing a frankenstein mask gets a hand job from a fortune teller in torn fishnets.  Sweet.

All the elements were there.  But it failed to deliver.  No chills, little spookiness. 

This is the kind of movie you'd take a date to at the drive in, you might look up once or twice from your bra plundering to see what was on the screen and then you'd pour out the popcorn and take the disheveled chick back home.  Completely forgettable, never meant to actually be watched, I don't think. 

[Kaos]

It's Alive

No. It's not. 

Bad movie.  Bad fake baby.   Bad acting. Bad setup. Bad performance. Bad delivery.

Bad. 

I'd beat that baby's ass

[Townhallsavoy]

Being John Malkovich

What the hell was I thinking in college?  I thought this movie was some cerebral masterpiece, but after a second viewing, it's utter shit. 

I even hyped it up to my wife who hadn't seen it before.  She barely made it through. 

[wesfau2]

Being John Malkovich

What the hell was I thinking in college?  I thought this movie was some cerebral masterpiece, but after a second viewing, it's utter shit. 

I even hyped it up to my wife who hadn't seen it before.  She barely made it through.

I think we've covered Charlie Kaufman in this thread previously.  You either love him or hate him.  I think he's one of the few original minds in Hollywood.