Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[Townhallsavoy]

In case you were unaware, the "plot" was reality.  That's what happened.  To complain that it was too easy is like watching a replay of the 2013 Auburn-Georgia game and being aggravated with the fact that Auburn threw a long pass at the end and didn't dramatically drive the field. 

I'm fully aware and that was part of the problem.  The suspense of the movie died knowing that it worked.  The action of getting them out was kind of boring.  They had to make a fake movie, which was completed in some dialogue scenes.  Then Affleck flew over and waltzed into the house.  They memorized their lines.  They went for a walk through the streets and got heckled.  Then Affleck told his boss to piss off and they hopped on the plane. 

It's a great story from history but made for a rather boring movie. 

[Kaos]

I, Frankenstein

You terrible. 

Okay movie, but recasting Franky as a superhero just didn't fly with me.  Frankenstein's monster is a brainless, soulless murderer.  He's not Batman. (Although he was Harvey Dent). 

Movie had a very Underworld feel to it without the heart and soul of that film.  Underworld elevated Kate Beckinsale -- who is actually rather plain looking and not a very good actress at all -- into something mythical.   I, Frankenstein devalued Aaron Eckhart who can, at times, be a fairly decent actor.

[Kaos]

Devil's Due

Better than Occulus, but so is being stabbed in the eye with a gangrenous toenail. 

Jerky camera and who films all that stuff anyway?  Story was weak, too many questions were left unanswered and it just didn't work. 

Only scares came from a loudly barking dog. 

[Kaos]

Delivery Man

Misguided attempt to humanize a non-human.  Vince Vaughn just doesn't have it. 

Movie was cute and had a moment or two, but all the performances seemed lazy and phoned in.  It lacked true emotion. 

I hope it is understood that I'm not saying I hate all these movies, but I am hard to please.  I'm looking for something in every movie -- power, emotion, quality acting, story, atmosphere, etc. -- and so many have bits and pieces but just lack the whole package. 

Delivery Man only had about half of half of a package.  It was just blundering through on what it assumed was Vince's "charm." Only he had none. 

[Kaos]

Malificent

First let me say that most people will probably like this film. The aura was gorgeous, the imagery beautifully done (for the most part).  I didn't hate it.  But since it's supposed to be one of the summer's anchors and will probably do huge business I can't ignore the many, many problems I have with this film. 

1) Angelina Jolie.  I will be hooted from the board for saying this but I don't find her attractive at all. All of the features that make her unattractive to me were emphasized in this film.  She also cannot act a bit.  Not one single whit.  Her performance here was, to me, absolutely horrible. Yes, she wears the horns well and she has an evil visage but that's as far as she goes with it.  Her come and go accent was distracting and in the moments when she was supposed to express rage, fury or happiness she just came across as blank.  The exception was the "curse" scene.

2) Sleeping Beauty.  Sleeping Fugly was more like it.  Aurora was one ugly girl. That's a harsh thing to say about a kid, but she's supposed to be the most beautiful girl in the kingdom and she was a 4 on her best day.  She was hideous.  She also failed as an actress. Her "happy face" was a cross between an "I've got to take a dump" grimace and a vapid "I don't understand the joke" stare.  Terrible, awful, abysmal casting. 

3) King Stefan.  Who was that guy?  Craig Ferguson?  His accent meandered.  Sometimes Scottish and occasionally unintelligible.  Perhaps the worst casting choice in a series of bad casting choices. 

4) The blue, red and green fairies.  When kids leave the theater wanting to punch them in the face? You've missed something there.  They were insipid and terribly annoying. 

5) The bastardization of the story.  Not going to spoil it here because most of you gays will go see it but it essentially craps on everything you know about the Sleeping Beauty legend.  It went to great lengths to make Malificent a sympathetic character and cast Aurora's parents in the evil role.   I knew that was going to happen, but good grief.  It was just too much.  Mal was an evil bitch.  Period.  She should have been left as such.  And the awakening event was singularly disappointing, but sadly not unexpected.  What garbage. I'm just going to say this.  If they make a film about Shere Khan explaining that he was angry because his father had been accidentally killed by a bear and that after initially fighting with Baloo he found his heart when he thought he had accidentally killed him and then the two became fast friends?  I'm going to dig Walt Disney up, use the formulas the Bammers have been trying to invent to resurrect Bahr, perfect them (because those idiots are too stupid to figure it out), reanimate Walt, starve and beat him until he becomes a deranged serial killer and then turn him loose in his old studio.   Or if they try to make a film where Hannibal Lecter is really a caring doctor who acted out of mercy for terminally ill patients I'm going to vomit. 

6) The plot holes.  She's magic.  But sometimes she just chooses not to use it.  Why?  If your dragon is tied up with chains, turn him into a hamster long enough to get free, right?  Or if you need to get somewhere in a hurry, why are you riding a horse?  MAGIC your ass there.  Jeez. 

7) Did I mention Sleeping Ugly?  That girl was awful to look at.  If she's the most beautiful girl in the kingdom I'm moving to another kingdom or taking up the gay. 

8) More plot holes.  Does it take that idiot 16 years to remember a weakness?  Is the king REALLY going to hand off the crown to just any old jackhole?  How could any "war" between humans and creatures who can perform MAGIC ever happen?  Just magic the humans away.  Put them all to sleep. Have dragons fry their asses. It's over. 

9) Bad acting.  The film was visually striking but every single performance in the movie was devoid of logical or realistic emotion.  The entire cast was bland.  The best actors were some CGI trees.

10) A distinct lack of humor. Other than a few scenes where some mildly amusing event briefly distracted from the constant morose moping (or the blank-eyed mooning of that awful Aurora twit) there just wasn't enough of the humor that typically keeps Disney fare moving along. 

Finally, there was Sleeping Ghastly.  She should have stayed asleep and put us out of her misery. 

It wasn't dreadfully bad, but it fell far short of other ambitious Disney movies that delivered over the years.  It wasn't as entertaining as it should have been. This movie was more Country Bears than it was Lion King. 

Given the choice I'd prefer to watch the animated Sleeping Beauty film from 1959 again as opposed to this bastardization of a classic story. 

[Snaggletiger]

Devil's Due

Better than Occulus, but so is being stabbed in the eye with a gangrenous toenail. 

Jerky camera and who films all that stuff anyway?  Story was weak, too many questions were left unanswered and it just didn't work. 

Only scares came from a loudly barking dog.

This^^^ has to be in the top 10 of Kaos critiques.

[Snaggletiger]

The Amazing Spiderman 2

Had plans to take mini to see Gozeera last night but couldn't make the start times work out.  Spidey 2 was really the only one we could fit in and we joined 6 other people in the theater on a rainy Thursday night.  In fact, there were very few peeps at any of the flicks. 

Not a bad remake with a few different twists and turns.  Same story with a couple of new characters like Jamie Foxx, who played "Electro".  And they played it a little different as to how Harry Osborne became the Green Goblin; however, they didn't call him that and he really didn't turn bad until the very end.  Of course, they left it wide open for the series to continue with a whole cast of new villains. 

It did have a little something at the end that made you go, "Whoa, didn't see that coming."  The real spidey action is at the very beginning and the very end.  The majority of the movie is mostly story lines and set up.  Andrew Garfield does a decent job as Peter Parker IMO.  A good bit more diverse than Toby Maguire.  But then, I have a Pekingese puppy that's more diverse than Toby Maguire.  Overall, nothing special but pretty enjoyable for a middle of the week flick.       

[Godfather]

The Amazing Spiderman 2

Had plans to take mini to see Gozeera last night but couldn't make the start times work out.  Spidey 2 was really the only one we could fit in and we joined 6 other people in the theater on a rainy Thursday night.  In fact, there were very few peeps at any of the flicks. 

Not a bad remake with a few different twists and turns.  Same story with a couple of new characters like Jamie Foxx, who played "Electro".  And they played it a little different as to how Harry Osborne became the Green Goblin; however, they didn't call him that and he really didn't turn bad until the very end.  Of course, they left it wide open for the series to continue with a whole cast of new villains. 

It did have a little something at the end that made you go, "Whoa, didn't see that coming."  The real spidey action is at the very beginning and the very end.  The majority of the movie is mostly story lines and set up.  Andrew Garfield does a decent job as Peter Parker IMO.  A good bit more diverse than Toby Maguire.  But then, I have a Pekingese puppy that's more diverse than Toby Maguire.  Overall, nothing special but pretty enjoyable for a middle of the week flick.       

So tired of the Spidey reboot.  not.even.interested.

[Snaggletiger]

So tired of the Spidey reboot.  not.even.interested.

Well, I spent the $34.00 and wore the 3D glasses so damn it, I reviewed it.  (2 tickets, one popcorn refill, 2 cokes and a pack of Twizzlers)

[Kaos]

A Million Ways to Die in the West

Never been a big Seth MacFarlane fan.  Find Family Guy to be crass and infantile. Ted was okay but just not that great and was too vulgar by a click. His Oscar turn was flat, juvenile and insulting. Never bothered with American Dad or Cleveland because they just looked like cheap Family Guy ripoffs. 

So I went into A Million Ways expecting to find a million ways to hate it. 

Wrong. 

Enjoyed it immensely.  Far funnier to me than anything the dreadful Adam Sandler (and his crew that includes David Spade, Kevin James, Schneider), the blundering Seth Rogan (his mentor Apatow and crew that includes Jonah Hill and the rest of the schlubs), the dismal Paul Rudd, the singularly unfunny Will Ferrell, the dull Vince Vaughn, the despised Owen Wilson, the garbage sucking Ben Stiller or any of their ilk have vomited on the screen and pretended they were comedies.

Yeah, he went for the cheap a few times with the obligatory fart, piss and poop jokes. And yeah, some of the gags were just plain silly.  But I laughed.  I laughed often. Couldn't tell you how many times I've gone to a "comedy" and waited in vain for anything remotely amusing to happen.  Not the case here.

There were funny moments, some unexpected surprises, and an underlying sweetness to the movie. His previous efforts (to me) never managed to rise above the crass.  This movie did. 

I liked it.  Despite being predisposed to dismiss it (and MacFarlane) I found myself liking the movie a lot and growing to appreciate his easygoing role in it.  It's not a classic by any means, but it gives me hope that the comedy genre isn't dead and that it can be wrested from the hands of purveyors of pure garbage like Sandler. 

[Kaos]

Oblivion
I'd like to punch Tom Cruise into oblivion. 

This movie is essentially unwatchable.  It's like EVERY Cruise movie lately.  He makes the serious face. He makes the heroic face.  He runs. Something explodes. He wears some goofy outfit.  The world, the planet, the city, something is in danger. Pfffffftttt.

It's plug and play and they all, all, all suck. 

Reacher
Mission Impossible II, III
Minority Report
War of the Worlds

All pretty much the same crappy movie. 

Oblivion may be -- ah, hell, it is -- the worst of that sorry lot.  He's terrible in it and it's terrible on its own.  The sheer duddage of this movie doomed his current release, Edge of Tomorrow, which I absolutely refuse to see. 

He's done a good film or two, but not many. 

I won't bother discussing the barely coherent plot of this stinking load of Scientological excrement.  Mainly because I quit on this turkey about an hour in.  Unwatchable. 

Cruise needs to retire. 

[Godfather]

Oblivion
I'd like to punch Tom Cruise into oblivion. 

This movie is essentially unwatchable.  It's like EVERY Cruise movie lately.  He makes the serious face. He makes the heroic face.  He runs. Something explodes. He wears some goofy outfit.  The world, the planet, the city, something is in danger. Pfffffftttt.

It's plug and play and they all, all, all suck. 

Reacher
Mission Impossible II, III
Minority Report
War of the Worlds

All pretty much the same crappy movie. 

Oblivion may be -- ah, hell, it is -- the worst of that sorry lot.  He's terrible in it and it's terrible on its own.  The sheer duddage of this movie doomed his current release, Edge of Tomorrow, which I absolutely refuse to see. 

He's done a good film or two, but not many. 

I won't bother discussing the barely coherent plot of this stinking load of Scientological excrement.  Mainly because I quit on this turkey about an hour in.  Unwatchable. 

Cruise needs to retire.

x100  at least the latest groundhog day one has Emily Blunt in it

[Kaos]

22 Jump Street
Rare is the sequel that surpasses the original but 22 Jump Street so far eclipses 21 that the first film is rendered inconsequential.

Rare is the comedy that doesn't give away it's best bits in the trailers. In this case the trailers give nothing away. The best isn't even hinted at in the previews. It's so much better than the trailers indicate.

The movie hit every self-deprecating comedic mark.  There were gags within gags and even a good bit of sly humor that passed almost unnoticed.

Channing Tatum was outstanding playing dumb. And I even liked Jonah Hill.

Not something you'd watch over and over but it was funny from start to finish.  Best comedy I've seen in a long time. 

Really really good.

[GH2001]

Jonah Hill.

funny from start to finish

Best comedy I've seen in a long time. 

Really really good.

Lots of pigs have to be flying somewhere right now, meanwhile lucifer is asking for a blanket.

[Kaos]

Transformers 4: Age of Ex-stink-tion

First let me say that to this point I liked all the Transformers movies, even the middle one that went to Egypt. 

This one?  It veered wildly off the track I thought. 

Casting:  C-
 Wahlberg was just barely okay. Shaia Labeouf was scads better as Bumblebee's ward. The daughter (cute) was awful. The boyfriend was terrible. Tucci was good but the rest was just bad.  Didn't even much enjoy John Goodman's babbling as an Autobot.  Best role went to Erlich from Silicon Valley, but his (much welcome) commentary was rubbed out far too soon.  No Lebouf, no Tyrese, no Duhamel, no Tutturo, no Malkovich, no Dunn and White, no Jeong, no Tudyk and the movie suffered BADLY for it. 

Length: F 
The movie ran 2:37 and it felt every single minute of it.  It could have been cut by an hour without losing a beat. 

Story: F
Too many confusing things going on.  Optimus acted like a pissy bitch far too often. A lot of it just didn't make sense. I'm willing to suspend a lot of logic in a movie that features cars that turn into robots, but this was just too much. The one-note "don't touch my daughter" banter between Wahlberg and the boyfriend wore thin after the second joke. Frasier was a flop as the human big bad. Unlike the other three, I ceased to care about an hour and a half in.  The interactions, emotions and reactions just didn't ring true.  Felt forced.  Michael Bay is great at crafting amazing CGI action and destruction, but (even in the first three) he flounders when asked to write/film human emotion sequences. The dialogue was stilted and silly.  The girl (cute) was awful. Did I mention that?  The film opened with a brief bit of exposition about the aftermath of the Chicago destruction from the last film, even noting the massive human and financial cost of the carnage.  Would have been a much better film if it had just stayed there and explored the tenuous relationship with robots that should defend us and a human population shellshocked by the ravages of a war unlike any ever waged on American soil.  Instead it muddled around with a bunch of other garbage. By the time one of the the big bads was finally dispatched -- a moment that was designed to bring triumphant cheers -- it just fizzled, lost in the rampant and wanton destruction.

Action: C
Lots and lots and lots of fights and buildings shattering and people/robots flying around.  Just once i'd like to see a movie of this nature scale back on demolishing cities (Chicago and Hong Kong in this case) and build a different kind of tension.  We've watched The Avengers maul New York, Superman shred Gotham, Godzilla flatten Tokyo, Captain America destroy buildings in some town, Transformers shatter Chicago once before and on and on.  It's gotten to be too much.  There are some beautiful shots of buildings imploding and exploding but at this point it just seems stale.  Seen it. 

Plot: F
What?  What was it?  There will be some who will rip me on this topic, claiming I'm not astute enough to see the doors that were opened by the muddled and open-ended topics.  Yeah, I realize that there are a number of possibilities set up by the ending. Bad guys still exist, Optimus can possibly explore where they actually came from,  some dinosaurs just wandered off to who knows where.  But none of that moves me.  I wasn't invested AT ALL in the lead characters.  Was hoping one or more of them would just die already.

Music: F-
The earlier films had Linkin Park and some other decent music.  This didn't.  The "songs" it played were out of place and just terrible, terrible. 

Love the Transformers franchise but was terribly disappointed in this one.  It (like this review) was overly long, ponderous, fatuous and blundering.  It took all the things I liked about the first films and pissed on them.  I won't watch it again and it will be the first Transformers film I don't buy on Blu Ray.  I hate that because I really hoped that Walhberg would help spark the franchise and give it new life.  Alas, no.  There will, of course, be another one but at this moment I'm not sure I will bother.  The magic was gone and I don't know if they can get it back. 

Caveat: 10-year old boys will revel in the massive destruction and will like watching the robots fight and turn into cool cars. 

[Godfather]

$1 to Uncle Sani

[Ranger12]

Just watched the new Transformers movie and my son and I both agree this might actually be the best one yet as far as the special effects and action goes. It is a typical Michael Bay film with no solid storyline and plot holes, but then again, one does not go see a Michael Bay film for Oscar winning story telling. I go to see action, explosions, special effects, and more action. The 3D is actually pretty good and worth the extra $$$ for the ticket price. I usually check out the 3D reviews before I go see a movie in that format, as many are just not that good, and the good 3D reviews for this one did not let me down. Probably the best movie I have seen in 3D in a couple of years.

FYI...my theater showed a few of the trailers for upcoming movies in 3D; Guardians of the Galaxy and Hercules had good looking 3D, Planet of the Apes not so much.

[Kaos]

Just watched the new Transformers movie and my son and I both agree this might actually be the best one yet as far as the special effects and action goes. It is a typical Michael Bay film with no solid storyline and plot holes, but then again, one does not go see a Michael Bay film for Oscar winning story telling. I go to see action, explosions, special effects, and more action. The 3D is actually pretty good and worth the extra $$$ for the ticket price. I usually check out the 3D reviews before I go see a movie in that format, as many are just not that good, and the good 3D reviews for this one did not let me down. Probably the best movie I have seen in 3D in a couple of years.

FYI...my theater showed a few of the trailers for upcoming movies in 3D; Guardians of the Galaxy and Hercules had good looking 3D, Planet of the Apes not so much.

No offense but you've lost your freaking mind. 

Either that or you dropped acid before, during and for hours after this turd burgling three-hour wad of garbage. 

The 3D was absolutely worthless and definitely not worth the additional money.  It was so bad I saw several people in the theater just take the glasses off and drop them to the ground, preferring to watch things a bit fuzzier than deal with the hassle of the glasses for zero return.  3D added nothing.

I love Transformers but this was an abomination. Very, very disappointing. 

Your sanity is now in question.

[bgreene]

3D is gay.

[Vandy Vol]

3D is gay.