Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[GH2001]

Does it have snakes on it?

Or tomatoes?

[Kaos]

Non Stop

Please stop. 

Ok, so you were never really sure who the bad guys were.  Unfortunately I didn't care at all. 

Liam again gets a pass because he has an accent. And weird looking ears.  All in all a generally silly movie with cartoon/cliched characters and silly sub plots.  Featured a lot of people behaving in ways that defied any semblance of logic. 

The worst was the "we're going to kill you, but oh you made an impassioned speech about your daughter so here's your gun back and let's rally on three" scene that was just stupid.

[GH2001]

Non Stop

Please stop. 

Ok, so you were never really sure who the bad guys were.  Unfortunately I didn't care at all. 

Liam again gets a pass because he has an accent. And weird looking ears.  All in all a generally silly movie with cartoon/cliched characters and silly sub plots.  Featured a lot of people behaving in ways that defied any semblance of logic. 

The worst was the "we're going to kill you, but oh you made an impassioned speech about your daughter so here's your gun back and let's rally on three" scene that was just stupid.

Silly and cartooned? Yes. So in that respect it was realistic and symbolic of most in society. Right?

[Kaos]

Mr Peabody
Might have been good 40 years ago when people knew who Mr Peabody was.

In 2014 it fails on practically every level.  A few cute moments but those are drowned out by weak characters, trying too hard to be clever dialogue and a baby bitch you wanted to see die in a fire.  For the writers to use her shallow bully bitch character to try to teach a life lesson was a major blunder. 

Movie was weak from start to finish.  Cannot recommend.

[Kaos]

Machete Kills

The movie was supposed to be bad.  And it was. Made no pretense of trying to be serious, just piled ludicrous mayhem on top of boobs and midriffs and allowed a bevy of actors and actresses to have fun with a ridiculous story, cheesy dialogue and relentless action.

In that it was great.  Mayem, blood and gore. With boobs.

The original Machete featured a creative use of human intestines and Machete Kills took that half a step further. 

The cast included Sofia BigBoobs (for whom I have never seen the attraction whatsoever, she turns me completely off), Michelle Rodriguez (yummy yes...), Carmen from Spy Kids all grown up and blazing hot in ass-less chaps, Amber Heard (all 10-foot legs of her), Jessica Alba, Vanessa Hudgins, Lady Gaga, Cuba Gooding Jr., Mel Gibson, Antonio "Nasonex" Banderas, Carlos Estevev (aka Charlie Sheen) as the president, Boyd from Justified and others I've probably forgotten. 

Was it the best movie I've ever seen? No. Will it win Oscars, change the world? No. Did it tell a great story or inform me in any way? Nope.  It just started romping from the pre-movie trailer and romped all the way to the end.  It knew what it was and didn't try to do anything else.

I liked it.  More than I probably should.

If you're in the Rodriguez/Tarantino circle you'll see a few things recycled here and there that should seem familiar.  Like the guy with the crotch revolver who was in From Dusk 'Til Dawn. And the crotch revolver, too but on a different character.

Would I watch Machete Kills Again.... In Space should that movie ever be made?  Yep.  I'd rent it.

[Kaos]

Thor: The Dark World

I tend to like Marvel Superhero movies for the most part because they understand far better than the most recent iterations of Batman and Superman that it's really all for fun and it's perfectly okay to laugh at yourself as you employ epic levels of bombastic action.  Marvel gets this even more than Transformers does (which I love) because Transformers piled on the preaching while it stooped to dog-screwing and pot brownies for its humor in its most recent efforts.

The first Thor I didn't like all that much when I initially watched it.  But then I watched it again after watching the second Thor and I have to say the original holds up much better than the sequel just for those humorous moments it managed to intersperse into the film. 

The second was far too ponderous to me.  Oh no, the nine worlds of Scandor are aligning for the first time since the thousand year reign of Prepostenelese, therefore the bifurcan must remain closed or we must all Odinnap in the knowledge that the lord protector of Asgard has failed to bring goodwill to the Cassiopeans, Tetrachnarians, Moofasas and Bludensnorps while the dawn of Sephtarious manacled the Blutarsky. 

Whaaaat? 

Ease up on the speechifying and let Loki rampage.  The movie bogged down any time Loki was absent from the screen. 

I watched it with about half a dozen other people and no one really had any idea what the wickets Princess  Leia's mother and the Broke Girl had, what they were supposed to do or why the hammer knocked greminopolous out at the end when he sort of batted it aside most of the time before.   It was more "oh, Thor must have done something. Yay. He won?"

Watching the dude bash crap around with a big hammer grows tiresome after a while no matter how quality the CGI is. 

Thor I was better than Thor II.

[Kaos]

The Heat

Cringingly bad.  Unless you enjoy fat wildebeest charging around and bellowing there's nothing in this movie that could be considered remotely interesting. 

The characters were cardboard and stupid. The "action" worthless. The story clichéd and recycled from the worst buddy cop movies you've seen a hundred times before.

Sandra Bullock is completely unwatchable. She's horrible here. I know she's won and been nominated for Oscars. I know she got all kinds of praise for that crappy ole miss movie but I thought she was terrible in that too.  I won't watch Gravity because I consider her the female John Travolta or Nicholas Cage. She's one of the worse actresses I've ever seen. She stinks up the screen in everything I've ever seen her in except perhaps Speed.

When a performance is so gratingly awful that it makes you forget there's a bloated walrus roaring in a profane and disgustingly obnoxious manner next to her for most of the movie, it's pretty bad.

This is one of the worst movies I've seen in a while and it's a sad commentary on the current state of entertainment that crap like this, bridesmaids, wedding crashers and identity thief are hailed as "great" comedies.  It was worthless garbage.

[Kaos]

Escape Plan

How old are these guys anyway? 

Fair movie, but a condemnation of the current generation of "action" stars (of which there are none).  Stallone, Schwartz, Willis, Ford and even Gibson are a dying breed.  There is no new crop to take their place and fill the screen with mayhem. 

Seriously who's out there?  Thor? The Rock? Renner (who's 5-4)? Cruise (who's nearing 60)? Action heroes now have to show a softer side. Go look up lists of action star possibilities.  You get names like Daniel "Harry Potter" Radcliffe, Zachary "Spock" Quinto, Jason "Drago" Momoa (not generic enough), the pencil-thin Spiderman geek, vapid Channing Tatum, mumbling Tom Hardy, and guarantee-a-movie-bomb Taylor Kitsch.  The best choices are Matt Damon who has much more range and Mark Wahlberg, who I usually like but who also lacks that "it" factor that true action stars have.  He's close to a wise-cracking Willis and could probably fit into the Die Hard franchise. But still. It's a weak, wussified crew.


So these older guys keep on trying.  This would have been a much better movie when Stallone and Arnie were in their 30s or 40s.  It looks a little uneven now that they're 90. 

I did like the location of the prison, but found the "make a diversion" escape plot to be really stupid.  Also hated the prison warden creeper.

[AU_Tiger_2000]

Escape Plan

How old are these guys anyway? 

Fair movie, but a condemnation of the current generation of "action" stars (of which there are none).  Stallone, Schwartz, Willis, Ford and even Gibson are a dying breed.  There is no new crop to take their place and fill the screen with mayhem. 

Seriously who's out there?  Thor? The Rock? Renner (who's 5-4)? Cruise (who's nearing 60)? Action heroes now have to show a softer side. Go look up lists of action star possibilities.  You get names like Daniel "Harry Potter" Radcliffe, Zachary "Spock" Quinto, Jason "Drago" Momoa (not generic enough), the pencil-thin Spiderman geek, vapid Channing Tatum, mumbling Tom Hardy, and guarantee-a-movie-bomb Taylor Kitsch.  The best choices are Matt Damon who has much more range and Mark Wahlberg, who I usually like but who also lacks that "it" factor that true action stars have.  He's close to a wise-cracking Willis and could probably fit into the Die Hard franchise. But still. It's a weak, wussified crew.


So these older guys keep on trying.  This would have been a much better movie when Stallone and Arnie were in their 30s or 40s.  It looks a little uneven now that they're 90. 

I did like the location of the prison, but found the "make a diversion" escape plot to be really stupid.  Also hated the prison warden creeper.

Sad that the best "new" action movie star is Liam Neeson.  Heard that Taken 3 is in the works.

[dallaswareagle]

Escape Plan

How old are these guys anyway? 

Fair movie, but a condemnation of the current generation of "action" stars (of which there are none).  Stallone, Schwartz, Willis, Ford and even Gibson are a dying breed.  There is no new crop to take their place and fill the screen with mayhem. 

Seriously who's out there?  Thor? The Rock? Renner (who's 5-4)? Cruise (who's nearing 60)? Action heroes now have to show a softer side. Go look up lists of action star possibilities.  You get names like Daniel "Harry Potter" Radcliffe, Zachary "Spock" Quinto, Jason "Drago" Momoa (not generic enough), the pencil-thin Spiderman geek, vapid Channing Tatum, mumbling Tom Hardy, and guarantee-a-movie-bomb Taylor Kitsch.  The best choices are Matt Damon who has much more range and Mark Wahlberg, who I usually like but who also lacks that "it" factor that true action stars have.  He's close to a wise-cracking Willis and could probably fit into the Die Hard franchise. But still. It's a weak, wussified crew.


So these older guys keep on trying.  This would have been a much better movie when Stallone and Arnie were in their 30s or 40s.  It looks a little uneven now that they're 90. 

I did like the location of the prison, but found the "make a diversion" escape plot to be really stupid.  Also hated the prison warden creeper.

He'll get his chance in the new transformer. Number 4?

[Snaggletiger]

I know Kaos reviewed Bad Grandpa awhile back, but I saw it on the plane yesterday.  Really nothing to "review".  It's Jackass with a plot, sort of. So, you know exactly what you're getting.  Have to admit Knoxville was pretty funny sometimes because he had to ad lib a good bit of it based on people's reactions.  He got people pissed as hell and I thought he was going to get his ass kicked several times but most held off because he was an "80 year old man."  Netflix it if you want some decent Jackass humor.

[dallaswareagle]

I saw the new karate kid on my last flight.

I figured it was punishment for leaving the country.

[Godfather]

Escape Plan

How old are these guys anyway? 

Fair movie, but a condemnation of the current generation of "action" stars (of which there are none).  Stallone, Schwartz, Willis, Ford and even Gibson are a dying breed.  There is no new crop to take their place and fill the screen with mayhem. 

Seriously who's out there?  Thor? The Rock? Renner (who's 5-4)? Cruise (who's nearing 60)? Action heroes now have to show a softer side. Go look up lists of action star possibilities.  You get names like Daniel "Harry Potter" Radcliffe, Zachary "Spock" Quinto, Jason "Drago" Momoa (not generic enough), the pencil-thin Spiderman geek, vapid Channing Tatum, mumbling Tom Hardy, and guarantee-a-movie-bomb Taylor Kitsch.  The best choices are Matt Damon who has much more range and Mark Wahlberg, who I usually like but who also lacks that "it" factor that true action stars have.  He's close to a wise-cracking Willis and could probably fit into the Die Hard franchise. But still. It's a weak, wussified crew.


So these older guys keep on trying.  This would have been a much better movie when Stallone and Arnie were in their 30s or 40s.  It looks a little uneven now that they're 90. 

I did like the location of the prison, but found the "make a diversion" escape plot to be really stupid.  Also hated the prison warden creeper.

Statham... Although lately all of his movies seem to be the same.

[Kaos]

Statham... Although lately all of his movies seem to be the same.

He's in the mix, but he's pretty terrible.

He's almost 50, has no range at all.  All his movies pretty much are the same.  Plus I can't understand a word he says most of the time. I have to turn captions on to figure it out. 

The Mechanic was barely watchable.
Killer Elite was a good idea but he dudded it up.
Death Race? Bank Job? 

He was okay in Italian Job because he didn't have to carry the film.

Even Crank was a terrible movie.  Except it had this going for it:

Like her a lot for reasons I'd rather not say. 

[Godfather]

He's in the mix, but he's pretty terrible.

He's almost 50, has no range at all.  All his movies pretty much are the same.  Plus I can't understand a word he says most of the time. I have to turn captions on to figure it out. 

The Mechanic was barely watchable.
Killer Elite was a good idea but he dudded it up.
Death Race? Bank Job? 

He was okay in Italian Job because he didn't have to carry the film.

Even Crank was a terrible movie.  Except it had this going for it:

Like her a lot for reasons I'd rather not say.

He gets a lifetime pass in my eyes due to Snatch. 

[Kaos]

Captain Phillips

Original review lost in the purge

Can't remember much except Tom Hanks proves again that he's a great actor.  The scene where he's being treated after his (spoiler!) rescue is proof of that. 

Two things I took away from this film:

1) It's great to live in a country where we have the resources to send warships to rescue a single person from harm.
2) It's even greater that not only do we have those resources, but we are willing to commit them to that rescue. And that men and women of this nation are willing to put their own lives on the line for the sake of one normal, random individual. 

That's what I learned.  It's good to be an American.

Last Vegas

Gasp Vegas. 

Anything worth seeing was in the trailers. 

Michael Douglas' skin and teeth were painful to look at.  No girl is climbing on Kevin Kline, period.  DeNiro loafs through yet another throwaway performance. Freeman was okay, but not given much to do.  Aged chanteuse made me yawn.  Didn't care about any of their backstory, didn't care about any of their front story. 

It wasn't raucous enough to inspire, tried to send some garbage message about true love, and had its motivations all in the wrong place. 

Sad to watch those guys shuffle through this dreck. 

I'd rather remember those guys as Jimmy Conway (or Vito Corleone), Otto, Gordo Gecko and Lucius Fox (or God, Eddie Dupris, Red, Alex Cross, Somerset or however you see that guy) than I would watch them shuck and jive for a few mild chuckles.

30 minutes of Sirens on USA was exponentially funnier than the 90 minutes of this movie.

[Kaos]

Admission

Love Tina Fey, but I'm stamping denied on this turkey.  Really missed the emotional mark it hoped to hit.

[Kaos]

Lords of Salem

Rob Zombie has a creepy mind.  He's done good and crazy work like Devil's Rejects.  He's created overdone and not borderline work (Halloween remakes).  And then he's done this horrible mishmash. 

It was absolutely terrible.  Silly story, wasted B-level actors and a couple of shots of his wife's (albeit nice) ass. 

I love horror movies.  This was just bad.

Only redeeming feature?  Look for a small KISS sticker on the bottom left of the refrigerator door in the girl's apartment. 

[Kaos]

Django Unchained

I like Quentin.  Kill Bill (I and II), Res Dogs, From Dusk Til Dawn, and Pulp Fiction are among some of my favorite watch over and over again movies.   Great stuff.

I wasn't a fan of Grindhouse and I thought Inglorious was so bad that he'd lost his storytelling touch.  For that reason I stayed away from Django for a long, long time.  I didn't want to see him spiral any further down. 

My mistake.

Great movie.  Enjoyed pretty near all of it.  Don't get what the uproar was over the use of the carbon word. It was appropriate for the times and used as conversationally as I remember it being used when I was a child (pre-Civil Rights movement). 

The raiding party scene with Don Johnson was quality stuff and by itself enough to recommend this movie. 

I just wish I'd seen it sooner. 

[The Six]

Captain America The Winter Soldier

Better than the first Captain America. Better than both Thor films. Still not all that great. Evans is fine in the role and Redford must have wanted to do something for the grandkids, but this movie is mostly a tease of "what's to come" and therefore it fails to make any lasting points. At this stage, the Avengers universe has so many interconnected parts, it is hard for any film to just stand on singular merit.