Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[Kaos]

The Lucky One

My man card is attached.  Please let me know the length of my suspension. 

[Townhallsavoy]

Are you saying you enjoyed it? 

[Kaos]

The Possession

The Exorcist Light.  The Jewish Exorcist.

Very light on actual scares, just missed the horror boat.  We've seen scary kids.  We've seen demonic possession.  We haven't seen Grant Show since Melrose Place went off the air and we haven't exactly missed him either.  He didn't age well and turned out to look more like Dave from News Radio than the studly Jake from Melrose.  Actually according to IDB he's been working steadily, just haven't paid much attention. 

The hook for Possession is that it is "based on a true story."  Well if all that shit DID happen in real life? This would be a messed up world. 

According to what I could find the people who actually owned this real-life box experienced some weird crap and smelled cat piss.  My suggestion is they let the damn cat out of the box but nobody listens to me.   

Back to the movie.  Kyra Sedgwick -- oh holy jeez what the fuck got a hold of your face?  She looks like leather hell in the face.  Her mouth is surgically fucked and the rest of her mug looked more like Vincent from the old Beauty and the Beast show than it did a human.  She looked like a hairless cat in a fright wig.  She was the real horror of this film.  She looked so shockingly bad I couldn't figure out why either guy would be interested in her mummified ass. 

The movie wasn't bad overall.  It was too slowly paced, it never achieved the level of fright it hoped to attain and it didn't fully flesh out the full on leap from "my daughter has issues" to "THERE'S A JEW DEMON IN THIS HERE BOX"  freakout the main guy underwent. 

The Jewish exorcist wasn't nearly as compelling as the catholic ones in Exorcist.  He actually looked pretty funny during the parts he was supposed to be demon-commanding.  He bobbed up and down like his ass hurt. 

Rent it.  Even though it's mildly kicking box office ass, wait for the rental.

[Kaos]

Are you saying you enjoyed it?

I watched it. 

Found it formulaic, trite and predictable. 

But I watched it.

[Vandy Vol]

I watched it. 

Found it formulaic, trite and predictable. 

But I watched it.

Did you beat off to it?








Do you have video of that?

[Godfather]

The Lucky One

My man card is attached.  Please let me know the length of my suspension. 

You have been on suspension since you paid to see Magic Mike, don't push your luck.

[Kaos]

Fright Night

Lukewarm remake of a movie I once thought was pretty good but later came to realize was cheesy camp. 

The original had Marcy from Married With Children at her 80s horny devil best -- and before we knew she was a lesbian.



It also had Ceasar/Galen/Cornelius from Planet of the Apes as the vampire slayer.

The remake had Colin Ferrel acting weird and a vampire slayer in black underwear whose balls itched.

The original was cheesy classic. The remake forgettable. 

Watch the original. 

[Kaos]

House at the End of the Street

Jennifer Lawrence was so amazingly good in Winter's Bone that any other performance I've seen of hers leaves me a little flat.  In this film her face is so chipmunkishly round and so numbingly plain I don't think she'll ever be able to have the range of expression to deliver on the promise she showed in Bone. Her face is actually a distraction to me it's so weird looking.

In House he's paired with Elisabeth Shue, who I've always wanted to have as my personal babysitter, in a semi-formulaic "family moves to creepy neighborhood and strange things ensue" allegedly horror/suspense film. 

Got one of the worst ratings of the year by Rotten Tomatoes, but that might be a little harsh.

The movie experience was marred by a bama assclown a row above who was trying (and failing) to prove just how clever and cool he was to his girlfriend by narrating the entire movie with such insightful comments as:

"Oh hell, this shit is ON now..."
"Dat dumb bitch gonna go in the house"
"Oh yeah, boyeeeee, he's fucked."

One or two would have been okay, but he kept it up from the first trailer to the last scene, stopping only when a theater employee would come and stand at the end of his aisle.  Ignorant motherfucker.

The movie wasn't really horror, wasn't truly suspense because it meandered too much, wasn't really a good family drama because it tossed out extraneous plot threads that went nowhere. Her dad was in a band?  Relevant to the story?  She joined a band?  Were any of the characters in that plot deviation relevant?  Apparently. No. Yes. No.

Wasn't a really a bad movie. Wasn't a good movie. It was just sort of "there."  By the time it got to the reveals, it had wandered around aimlessly for so long you'd lost the ability to care enough to be shocked/surprised or whatever.

There are worse ways to spend an hour and a half than looking at Shue and wondering if Lawrence will ever live up to her potential, though. 

[Kaos]

VHS
Tried to capture the Blair Witch/The Ring/White Noise/Poltergeist vibe with a disjointed story about VHS tapes, zombies, bat chicks and who the fuck knows what else.

The shaky camera style deal was disorienting, you never got any sense at all who the main characters were or what they were doing, and the VHS vignettes were just plain weird.

I have no idea what happened, why it happened or what the ending was supposed to be. 

Whoever directed this shaky cut and jerk had no sense of continuity or story. 

Bad director.  Bad actors.  Bad.  (Of course critics seem to love this and hate House at the End so what do I know).

[Kaos]

Chronicle

What would you do if you were Superman?  That's the question this teen angst movie tries to answer. 

The answer is apparently act like a spoiled brat and quite possibly be gay. 

Good idea but the execution faltered. 

[Townhallsavoy]

Chronicle

What would you do if you were Superman?  That's the question this teen angst movie tries to answer. 

The answer is apparently act like a spoiled brat and quite possibly be gay. 

Good idea but the execution faltered.

Agreed on this one.

A lot of people liked it.  I think if you have experience in the high school classroom, you'll despise having to watch those three typical high school douchebags giggle for two hours. 

[Kaos]

Snow White and the Huntsman

Kristen Stewart is the worst actress on the planet today.  She's worse than the aborted fetus of Paris Hilton and Tom Green.

Here there-and-gone accent was pathetic.  Her constantly vapid expression, her schlumpy carriage and her ugly fish mouth were completely annoying. 

Charlize Theron struggled with maintaining an accent, too.  She was pretty bad here. 

This was a brainless, dickless, tub of monkey shit.

[The Six]

K, favorite Stephen King adapted movie?

[Kaos]

K, favorite Stephen King adapted movie?

Probably The Green Mile. 

[AU_Tiger_2000]

Probably The Green Mile.

C'mon, you know it is really Maximum Overdrive.

[AUJarhead]

Probably The Green Mile.

That and Shawshank.

[Kaos]

Didn't care that much for Shawshank.  Know that makes me the minority, but I'll just get more money from the gubment so that's okay.

Argo

Very good story, timely considering the state of the Middle East and well played by everyone involved.  it moved a bit slowly in places but overall it was intriguing and maintained your interest even if you knew the eventual outcome.

Complaints?  It had to skew toward the "US is the bad guy" in its simplistic opening explanation.  It could and should have depicted Ayatollah as the raving lunatic he was, but it glossed over that in a broader effort to portray the Shah as an Americanized Marie Antionette.  Not big on revisionist history and there was some there. 

While skewing it also tried to help Jimmah Carter redeem his pussified legacy by trying to glom some of the credit.  His weak-ass pandering is what got us in the situation in the first place.  People -- like my kids -- who weren't around for his pansy administration won't recognize that it was the perceived strength of Ronald Reagan which led to the release of the hostages.  In Carter's post-script voice-over he tries to steal the credit when he says "we got the hostages home..." and then brays some fairy-whore glitter about maintaining the integrity of the US.  What's sad is that measly, weasly fuck actually thinks he was a great statesman and president.  (Just like the current jug-eared fop.)

Still a good movie.  Worth watching.   

[Kaos]

The Grey

Sometimes the setting is a character of its own. That's never more apparent than in Liam Neeson's The Grey. 

The harsh and unforgiving arctic wilderness plays as much a role in this film as do any of the characters, human or lupine. 

The movie is so beautifully shot that it makes you feel the cold and the pain of trying to survive in that frigid nightmare even before it becomes apparent that you've got to also deal with a stalking pack of wolves. 

Good movie. Could feel the pain in your own bones.  After watching it, was surprised to walk out into the bugs and steam of an October day in South Alabama. Expected to be cold.

Neeson is perfectly at home in this role, completely believable as the hard-edged old bastard who would wind up as the defacto leader of a bunch of jackholes trying to live another day. 

Could have done without a few of the flashback scenes and didn't really see the need for his moment of weakness to be exposed. 

And I've got to say that the ending left me just a bit displeased.  But any ending would probably have left holes.  I mean there's only two ways it can go, right?  Wolves/environment gets him or he understands the meaning of life and gets the triumphal close.  One or the other. And either (won't tell you which it was) sucks in its own way.

One last criticism?  Director must be an atheist.  One completely out of character moment of screaming at God and demanding a miracle was taken as proof that none exists.  Pffffttttt.

[Godfather]

The Grey

Sometimes the setting is a character of its own. That's never more apparent than in Liam Neeson's The Grey. 

The harsh and unforgiving arctic wilderness plays as much a role in this film as do any of the characters, human or lupine. 

The movie is so beautifully shot that it makes you feel the cold and the pain of trying to survive in that frigid nightmare even before it becomes apparent that you've got to also deal with a stalking pack of wolves. 

Good movie. Could feel the pain in your own bones.  After watching it, was surprised to walk out into the bugs and steam of an October day in South Alabama. Expected to be cold.

Neeson is perfectly at home in this role, completely believable as the hard-edged old bastard who would wind up as the defacto leader of a bunch of jackholes trying to live another day. 

Could have done without a few of the flashback scenes and didn't really see the need for his moment of weakness to be exposed. 

And I've got to say that the ending left me just a bit displeased.  But any ending would probably have left holes.  I mean there's only two ways it can go, right?  Wolves/environment gets him or he understands the meaning of life and gets the triumphal close.  One or the other. And either (won't tell you which it was) sucks in its own way.

One last criticism?  Director must be an atheist.  One completely out of character moment of screaming at God and demanding a miracle was taken as proof that none exists.  Pffffttttt.

Big fan of Liam Neeson, I thought it was a decent flick.  I was a little pissed that he couldn't help that dude get his foot out of the rocks. Thought that was a little weak.  Wasn't crazy about the ending either, but like you said...

[chinook]

frankenweenie

a must see.