You Can't Kill One of Those Things

[Snaggletiger]

We've got a couple of stray cats that set up house in our garage several months back.  They're pretty cool and keep the mouse population in check, especially since we've got several acres of wooded area next to our house.  I walked out in my garage the other night and came face to face with a huge, nasty ass possum that had come out of the woods and was getting fat on Meow Mix.  He scurried off before I could find anything to kick his ass with.  Over the past couple of weeks, he's ventured in there several times.

Last night, I walked out and there he was, just sitting in the corner, hissing at me. By the way, those things have got a mouth full of bad ass teeth.  I really didn't have that big of a problem with him until he showed me those razors and challenged my manhood.  I couldn't go out in the garage and get anything because he was basically at the foot of my steps.  The two cats were up on the outside refrigerator.  One of them looked at me and said, "Yo Steve, you gonna' kill that bastard or what? You know he's been eating our crunchies, right?"  I thought about getting my .38 but thought better of it with him right there at the foot of my steps.  With my luck, I'd get a ricochet right in the crotch.  I stepped back in and found a heavy pole and walked back out.  He was still there, hissing and daring me to do something. 

Honestly, I wanted to take him out in a relatively humane manner with one good whack.  I lined him up and cracked dat' cranium.  All he did was retreat a little, bleed a lot and hiss a bunch more. 

Damnit!!!

I walked over and grabbed a big ole' heavy shovel and came down hard across his neck.  Broke his neck...that ought to do it.  Nope, just made him madder and just to piss me off, he bled a lot more.  Now, my family is coming out of the woodwork wondering what the hell is going on while they hear crashing from the garage and screams of "Die, satanic possum scum."  He finally gave it up..I think. However, that long ass tail was wrapped around something and that shit doesn't turn loose easily. He's 40 yards up in the woods now. 

Did I mention those things bleed a lot? 

[wesfau2]

The way you dominated that 15-pound marsupial is quite manly.

[Snaggletiger]

The way you dominated that 15-pound marsupial is quite manly.

15? You didn't see this thing.  You didn't tangle with him.  You didn't go mano e mano with the vicious rodent.

He went a good 16.5 - 17 easy.

[wesfau2]

15? You didn't see this thing.  You didn't tangle with him.  You didn't go mano e mano with the vicious rodent.

He went a good 16.5 - 17 easy.

Mano e thylamys, maybe.

[Snaggletiger]

Go ahead, yuck it up beach boy. 

This was a clash of the titans.  I dispatched him not less than 2 feet from my Scooter.

[Jumbo]

That sounds scarier than Prom night.

[wesfau2]

Go ahead, yuck it up beach boy. 

This was a clash of the titans.  I dispatched him not less than 2 feet from my Scooter.

If Miss Lucille learns that you're a killer of god's creatures, I'm sure you'll be banished from the Gossip Parlor.

[Snaggletiger]

If Miss Lucille learns that you're a killer of god's creatures, I'm sure you'll be banished from the Gossip Parlor.

She loves me

[boartitz]

We've got a couple of stray cats that set up house in our garage several months back.  They're pretty cool and keep the mouse population in check, especially since we've got several acres of wooded area next to our house.  I walked out in my garage the other night and came face to face with a huge, nasty ass possum that had come out of the woods and was getting fat on Meow Mix.  He scurried off before I could find anything to kick his ass with.  Over the past couple of weeks, he's ventured in there several times.

Last night, I walked out and there he was, just sitting in the corner, hissing at me. By the way, those things have got a mouth full of bad ass teeth.  I really didn't have that big of a problem with him until he showed me those razors and challenged my manhood.  I couldn't go out in the garage and get anything because he was basically at the foot of my steps.  The two cats were up on the outside refrigerator.  One of them looked at me and said, "Yo Steve, you gonna' kill that bastard or what? You know he's been eating our crunchies, right?"  I thought about getting my .38 but thought better of it with him right there at the foot of my steps.  With my luck, I'd get a ricochet right in the crotch.  I stepped back in and found a heavy pole and walked back out.  He was still there, hissing and daring me to do something. 

Honestly, I wanted to take him out in a relatively humane manner with one good whack.  I lined him up and cracked dat' cranium.  All he did was retreat a little, bleed a lot and hiss a bunch more. 

Damnit!!!

I walked over and grabbed a big ole' heavy shovel and came down hard across his neck.  Broke his neck...that ought to do it.  Nope, just made him madder and just to piss me off, he bled a lot more.  Now, my family is coming out of the woodwork wondering what the hell is going on while they hear crashing from the garage and screams of "Die, satanic possum scum."  He finally gave it up..I think. However, that long ass tail was wrapped around something and that shit doesn't turn loose easily. He's 40 yards up in the woods now. 

Did I mention those things bleed a lot? 

[Snaggletiger]

That's him.  Little bastard.

[Thrilla]

Mr. Birdman, you had every right to be scared.

Figure 6. Their 50 teeth (more than any other mammal in North America) give opossums a menacing look when threatened.
(From Verts and Carraway, Land Mammals of Oregon.)

Other pertinent facts, just for you:

Don’t feed opossums. Feeding opossums may create undesirable situations for you, your children, neighbors, pets, and the opossums themselves. Opossums that are fed by people often lose their fear of humans and may become aggressive when not fed as expected. Artificial feeding also tends to concentrate opossums in a small area; overcrowding can spread diseases and parasites. Finally, these hungry visitors might approach a neighbor who doesn’t share your appreciation of the animals. The neighbor might choose to remove these opossums, or have them removed.

Don’t give opossums access to garbage. Keep your garbage can lid on tight by securing it with rope, chain, bungee cords, or weights. Better yet, buy garbage cans with clamps or other mechanisms that hold lids on. To prevent tipping, secure side handles to metal or wooden stakes driven into the ground. Or keep your cans in tight-fitting bins, a shed, or a garage. Put garbage cans out for pickup in the morning, after opossums have returned to their resting areas.

Feed dogs and cats indoors and keep them in at night. If you must feed your pets outside, do so in late morning or at midday, and pick up food, water bowls, leftovers, and spilled food well before dark every day.

http://wdfw.wa.gov/wlm/living/opossums.htm

Now go forth and be prepared for your next encounter.

[Snaggletiger]

Actually, that there's your Oregon Opossums.  Your Alabama Possums is a good bit different.  They like to wear brightly colored bandanas and eat Mexican food.  They tend to have real bad credit scores too.

[Thrilla]

Actually, that there's your Oregon Opossums.  Your Alabama Possums is a good bit different.  They like to wear brightly colored bandanas and eat Mexican food.  They tend to have real bad credit scores too.

Well, I herd that if ya filet 'em just right and coat 'em up with a nice flour and cornbread batter, then it'll taste just like Chicken.

[AUTiger1]

Actually, that there's your Oregon Opossums.  Your Alabama Possums is a good bit different.  They like to wear brightly colored bandanas and eat Mexican food.  They tend to have real bad credit scores too.

Them little sumbitches are know to pack heat.  You are lucky that you got out of the incident alive.

[Tiger Six]

Well, I herd that if ya filet 'em just right and coat 'em up with a nice flour and cornbread batter, then it'll taste just like Chicken.

My mother could fry a garden hose and make you think it was calimari.

[Argo]

My mother could fry a garden hose and make you think it was calimari.

My mother could fry anything and make you think it was straight out of the septic tank. 

[Pell City Tiger]

"Why don't we break down that garage, find out what that posstum's doin' in there? Ain't no lawyer gonna tell you nothin' ‘bout a posstum ina garage. If you wanna really find out ‘bout a posstum on a garage, you find a boy with dirt under his fingernails. You find a boy with dirt under his fingernails, you'll find yourself a boy that's been rootin' in a garage for a posstum."

[Snaggletiger]

You want me to take him out back Andy?

He'd kill ya'

[Snaggletiger]

Total hijack but you can't mention the Andy Griffith Show without bringing up one of my top 5 funniest TV sitcom moments.  You young whippersnappers will probably never have the good fortune to appreciate the true comic jeenyus of Don Knotts as Bernard P. Fife.  "I got it.  You learn something..you learn it."

[CCTAU]

Well, I herd that if ya filet 'em just right and coat 'em up with a nice flour and cornbread batter, then it'll taste just like Chicken.

That is just not true. Opossum meat is very greasy. But it must be good for you. My great grandmother lived to be 94 years old and loved it. The best way to eat Opossum is to trap it first. Then keep it in a cage for at least a week while feeding it table scraps.(they are nasty little scavengers) Then kill it and eat it. If a  4'9" 90 yr old woman can do it, you can too.

But since she has long passed, my solution is to eliminate the critter. Poison is good. Unfortunately it will get the stray cats too. (I don't mind, but you seemed to have become attached). Minimal bleeding is what we need to achieve through a more violent process. I like using a .22 short in a long rifled barrel. This keeps the sound to a minimum. But with today's air rifles, you can achieve the same results. A good head shot usually does the trick. If you live near a stand of woods, drag the carcass back there as a warning to the other animals. (not sure if it works, but it sounds dastardly) All dead things stink, so make sure it's far enough away. Put powdered lime on it to speed up the process. And keep in mind during this whole process, you are protecting your home. If PETA calls, "No hablo Ingles."