Kaos' way behind movie reviews

[GH2001]

Don't Move

I think this was on Netflix. Very intense and personal drama. There are only two main characters and two peripheral ones. Movies with a narrative that narrow require compelling actors for the leads. This one almost gets there. 

Basic storyline.  Troubled woman (Kellie Asbillie, and she's really cute) heads to a remote area to contemplate the source of her sadness. In the wilderness she runs into a guy (Finn Witrock of American Horror Story) who at first seems genuine and helpful, but who then turns into a not-so-nice adversary. 

If you've seen the trailer, you know she's in a paralytic state so that's not really a spoiler.  He drugs her, intending to have a little fun before disposing of the body.  As we learn, he's done it before. Once she's in his clutches, the remainder of the movie deals with how and if she will manage to outwit and outlast the predator.

It's pretty well done. Asbillie has to spend most of the movie acting with little more than her eyes (thankfully those eyes are expressive and really pretty).  She's pretty good at it.  Witrock is only convincing in flashes, but those flashes are pretty good.  He just didn't have the consistent menace I'd hoped to see. He's decent in times of extreme violence when he has to get out of certain situations, but just not quite enough. 

It's a decent story, only if you spend the time wondering how you'd escape a similar situation. The movie was engaging, and maintained my interest, even if some of the situations were a little out there. 

It's not going to win any awards. It's not going to be something you'll go back to again and again. It is, however, worth the one watch.

I like the cherry on top - "thank you"

[The Six]

Watched The Substance. 

[Kaos]

Brothers

Amazon Prime entry with Josh Brolin and Tyrion Lannister playing white trash brothers with criminal proclivities.  Brendan Fraser (the whale version). Marissa Tomei and Glen Close (what's she doing here) join the 'fun'.  Close is the mom, Fraser is a corrupt prison guard who is running Tyrion, and Tomei is like a weirdo spiritualist prison penpal or something.

When Tyrion goes away for a while, taking the heat for both, Brolin tries to go "straight" with his black wife and her rich family.  Then the corrupt security guard gets Tyrion out. 

It's not good.  I don't know if I can finish it.  I think it's intended to be funny, but it looks mostly like a lame payday for everybody involved.

Fraser is awful.

Ok.  I'm out.  The orangutan scene was enough.  Don't want any more of this stupid attempt at a movie.

[Kaos]

Twisters

I tried.  I really did. I liked the original Twister movie. Helen Hunt looked as good as she ever would.  Bill Paxton was great. Van Halen’s haunting “Respect the Wind” and the catchy  “Humans Being” were perfect fits. 

I wanted to like this. Wanted to in a big way.  I am so glad I didnt see it at the theater though. It would have sucked to walk out after 30 minutes. 

That’s as far as I made it at home.  Less than 30 minutes. The barrage of “yee haw” and the assault of glaringly out of place turd-sounding country “music” (and I use that term generously because it was NOT music) was absolutely more than I was willing to tolerate. 

The acting - what I saw of it - was atrocious.  I had no connection to any of the awful characters.  It was like a high school play written by a gay glee club member populated by a cast of his weirdo friends. 

Much of what I saw was a blatant ripoff of scenes from the original, done by amateurs, and done poorly.

Maybe it got better. I can’t believe it could or would. I’ll never know.  I’m marked safe from having really crappy country music banging me over the head. 

Maybe you’ll enjoy it. It’s not for me.

[Kaos]

Carry On

Die Hard for the next generation. Let me end any possible debate as to whether it’s Christmas movie.  It’s not despite featuring Christmas songs to open and end (and a few interspersed throughout). Christmas was incidental, not instrumental to the plot.

Good cast.  Taron Egerton as a TSA agent.  Jason Bateman as the bad guy.  Hank Schrader as Egerton’s boss (basically playing a different version of Hank).  Big Head Bighetti. 

Basic storyline:  Bad guy Bateman has a bag he needs to get through security and a plan to get it through.  Egerton screws up the plan by getting himself reassigned to to the bag screening bay Bateman needs to use. Plan has to be altered.

The whole film is the interplay between Bateman (who does a really good job with the calm menace required to make it work) and Egerton as one tries to execute the plan and the other tries to stop him. 

Some of the situations are ridiculous and improbable. The four-click hacker who can get into airport security cameras unnoticed is cliched and just silly.  Don’t think it can happen that way.  The bug eyed black agent (if some agency I don’t remember) overacts and fails to convince.  Completely out of her depth with the rest of the cast. 

No. It’s not a Christmas movie.  No I won’t be watching it every year. But it was good. The performances were solid (other than bug eye lady). The back and forth between Jason and Taron brought the required tension.  Bateman really delivered.

Pretty good movie.  Definitely worth a watch. 

[Kaos]

Nutcrackers

Ben Stiller makes a Hallmark movie. 

Stiller’s estranged sister dies leaving him, her only living relative in charge.  He’s a Chicago real estate hot shot. The kids are ill mannered and really weird country bumpkins. His plan is to get them into foster care as quickly as possible, leave their disheveled farm behind, get his Porsche back to the city, and resume his high pressure life.

It’s essentially a Hallmark movie so you can pretty much predict every telegraphed situation. 

The oddball kids are good.  Stiller isn’t. He’s really awkward and has real trouble with human emotion. 

About the best you can give it is… it’s cute. Once.

It’s on Hulu.

[GH2001]

Carry On

Die Hard for the next generation. Let me end any possible debate as to whether it’s Christmas movie.  It’s not despite featuring Christmas songs to open and end (and a few interspersed throughout). Christmas was incidental, not instrumental to the plot.

Good cast.  Taron Egerton as a TSA agent.  Jason Bateman as the bad guy.  Hank Schrader as Egerton’s boss (basically playing a different version of Hank).  Big Head Bighetti. 

Basic storyline:  Bad guy Bateman has a bag he needs to get through security and a plan to get it through.  Egerton screws up the plan by getting himself reassigned to to the bag screening bay Bateman needs to use. Plan has to be altered.

The whole film is the interplay between Bateman (who does a really good job with the calm menace required to make it work) and Egerton as one tries to execute the plan and the other tries to stop him. 

Some of the situations are ridiculous and improbable. The four-click hacker who can get into airport security cameras unnoticed is cliched and just silly.  Don’t think it can happen that way.  The bug eyed black agent (if some agency I don’t remember) overacts and fails to convince.  Completely out of her depth with the rest of the cast. 

No. It’s not a Christmas movie.  No I won’t be watching it every year. But it was good. The performances were solid (other than bug eye lady). The back and forth between Jason and Taron brought the required tension.  Bateman really delivered.

Pretty good movie.  Definitely worth a watch.

I concur on K's review here. I thought it was great.

[Kaos]

Red One

This movie bombed spectacularly at the box office. It’s pretty easy to see why. 

It wasn’t the cast. Cast was solid top to bottom.  Rock, Captain America, O-Ren Ishii, Sabrina the Witch, Farmers Insurance dude. All performances were solid. 

It wasn’t the production. The movie looked good. Clearly spent plenty on quality. 

It wasn’t the story. Well, it kind of was.  The basic storyline was fine.  Santa kidnapped and the North Pole has 24 hours to find him and save Christmas. It was the execution of the storyline that was an issue. 

So what was the problem? Whoever made this movie never bothered to figure out who they were making it for.  It has no natural audience. 

The bad guys (Krampus, the Witch, their minions, the Snowmen) were too violent and frightening-looking for kids.  There was a lot of violence, actually.  Far too much to for children in a Christmas movie. The film was also peppered with profanity. Not a lot by today’s standards (repetitive use of the word $#!+ primarily) but again… if you’re marketing a Santa movie, what parent wants to subject their Santa-believing child to elves cursing, and violently brawling with gruesome creatures. 

So it’s not for kids. But that’s who it was marketed toward. Unlike Silent Night (a great movie) that was clearly marketed as an adult film, this one wasn’t. It was portrayed as a fun romp for kids that adults would also enjoy. 

It wasn’t a terrible movie. It just had no base. It wasn’t adult enough for adults and it was far too adult for kids. It will not be on the “watch every year” list by any stretch.  But once every couple of years I might give it another shot.

[Kaos]

Smile 2

“OMG. You have to watch this. You love horror movies, right?!? It’s terrifying! Best horror movie in years! Could not sleep after seeing it!!”

That’s what I heard. Wrong. 

It was fair. At best. 

Picking up from the original (barely) the “smile creature” affixes itself to a pop star (kind of a combination of 70% Lady Gaga and 30% Twit Swift).  She’s a pretty good actress and does the best with what she’s given. 

The rest is just reality-bending mumbo jumbo. I’ve never really been a fan of the “this isn’t real, or is it” model.  I really don’t like watching a 20 minute scene of carnage only to find out it was only happening in someone’s head.  There’s a lot of that here. 

The final act is absolutely ridiculous. Horrendous (and not in a good way) CGI rendering of the “big bad” made me roll my eyes it was so stupidly terrible.

The main actress was pretty good. She alone kept it from being unwatchable but in the end she couldn’t save it. 

Zero scares.

[Kaos]

The Mean One

In a world that has given us such "gifts" as Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey and Mouse Trap (a Mickey Mouse horror spoof) it's only natural someone would turn the story of The Grinch into a blood-soaked horror spectacle.  If only someone competent had done it.

The story really isn't that bad overall.  The Grinch is doing his Grinchy stuff - stealing trees and presents basically - when he's confronted by the mom of little Cindy Lou. A fight ensues when the mom rushes and attacks Grinch. In the melee she's accidentally killed when she falls on a piece of broken tree. Haunted by the event, the Grinch's demeanor slides from merely mischievous to murderous. Put up Christmas decor and he's coming down from Mount Strumpet to lay waste. 

The town basically bans Christmas to keep Grinch at bay.  Twenty years after witnessing her mother's death at the hands of the Grinch, Cindy returns to Nooville. She defies the town ban, decorates for the holiday and unleashes the beast.

That's not a bad angle of attack if you're going to twist the tale. In the right hands, a pretty decent holiday horror entry could be crafted.  These are not the right hands. From that promising base the film spirals into atrocity. 

The acting is horrible (which is to be expected, I think). Cindy's got a fighter's thick body but the face of a possum. Needed something better there. Her shower scene isn't even hot - although it almost got there. The rest of the cast is worse.  Production values are barely above being shot on an old Razr phone. There's a stupid, ridiculous, unnecessary side story about the mayor creating a website to lure hikers to Mount Strumpet to be a feast for the beast. The Mean One makeup is only fair at best. 

It is what it is. A schlocky, D-level movie slapped together on a budget of about $94 and a couple of trips to Party City for costumes. It's not meant to be good, but in a frustrating turn of events, it could have been.

Cindy:

[Kaos]

The Strangers: Chapter 1

I was never a huge fan of the first Strangers movie. The cast was good ( a werewolf and Liv Tyler), the story was solid, it was well shot. I just need a motive. I know real life isn't always that tidy, but if a group is torturing a couple my mind needs to know why. What's driving their mayhem? We never got that. Jason, Freddy, Michael, Hannibal, Dexter... we always know why.  Not so with the Strangers. "Because you're here" is all we get.

Strangers Prey at Night was worse. Kind of stupid, actually.

I was apprehensive about Strangers: Chapter 1 but gave it a shot. It was better than I expected. It's not a sequel and not really a prequel. It's more of a reboot. It's set in Oregon where the first two were in Ohio (I think) but the Strangers characters are the same.  I didn't hate it, thought it had some good moments.

It's still plagued by the same unanswered "why" question, but that bothered me less this time.  Yes, it relied too heavily on the "weirdos in a small town and now my car won't start" cliches.  No, the motivations were never fully explored.

The one thing that bothered me was the simp, cuck guy who wussily made bad decision after bad decision. I'm kind of tired of seeing weak, pussified guys being led by their female counterparts.

At the same time, that's where this movie actually excelled. The lead girl (Madelaine Grobbelaar Petsch) really, really worked for me. No idea who she is or where she came from, but she carried the role really well.  She's a good actress. Beyond that, she seemed completely real. Not one of the fake/plastic Hollywood dolls with improbable proportions. Her mouth was adorable. The girl has a mouth that's almost a completely separate character and can act on its own. Amazing mouth.  Her legs are thick and pale and juicy. She looked like a real girl. Realized when she was padding around in socks and an oversized button down just how long its been since we've seen a real human on the screen. Not a sickly looking twig with a pinched-in face and liposuctioned body. A real, live, normal girl. Loved it. More than anything else in this film, she made the difference and elevated it above what it could have been.




SPOLIER: DO NOT READ PAST THIS LINE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.






Before I watched it, I didn't know Chapter 1 is only the first part of a trilogy. The movie doesn't end when it ends.  It just goes to a To Be Continued... screen. THAT was annoying. I wish I'd known from the jump. I might still have watched it, but I might have waited until at least the second part came out. The good thing is the future films promise to explore the identity and motivation of The Strangers. That being the case, and knowing that Miss Petsch could potentially be back for Chapter 2?  Kaos is in. 

[The Six]

Let me save you all two hours on Conclave.

For 1 hour and 41 minutes, it's a taught thriller in the world behind the walls of the Vatican after a pope dies and the process to elect a new one commences. There's secrets, conspiracies, back-biting, lobbying, and everything that makes your basic political thriller work. Then, there's the "twist" of the end when you realize this whole thing was a vehicle for "The Message^TM" and it sinks the whole thing. Such a fumble before the goal line at the end. The Atlanta Falcons were embarrassed (for more than just their usual existence).

[Kaos]

Apartment 7A

I had forgotten this was a prequel to Rosemary’s Baby until midway through. That realization didn’t help much. 

Quick refresher.  Rosemary’s Baby is the story of a bunch of satanic weirdos in an apartment building trying to bring Satan’s child into the world.  In the beginning of that film Rosemary meets Terry, a single woman living with a couple who rescued her, the Castavets.  Terry’s suicide, jumping from the couple’s window, kicks off the events that lead to Rosemary, the crazy apartment residents, and her baby.

This film attempts to fill in Terry’s back story and how she came to make the fatal leap.

Julia Garner (Ruth from Ozark) is Terry. While I’m torn on her as an actress overall, and while she’s uneven at times here, she’s the only thing holding this together.

Terry is a dancer - from a Nebraska pig farm.  Suffers an ankle injury that derails her “career.” Turns to pills and booze to cope. Ends up being “rescued” by the Casavets.  And then not much happens. 

Garner is fine in all the scenes except for the musical/dance numbers which are TERRIBLE and completely unneeded. She can’t sing.  She can’t dance. At all.

Most of the apartment dwellers are adequate (as the original 60s cast was rather unremarkable) with one exception. Diane Weist attempting to channel Ruth Gordon was kind of cringey. It came off as more parody than homage. I will admit though that the party she and Roman hosted where Terry was gifted Satan’s dick hole or something in a necklace was the point at which I made the connection between this and Rosemary.

This was marketed as horror.  There is virtually none whatsoever.  It’s more of an expository. It tells a story that no one really asked for in an effort to cash in on the origin stories for Exorcist and Omen that made box office bank.

Without Garner it gets maybe a star and a half.  Her performance bumps it up by one. Even so, I’m still conflicted.  She’s not really great. She’s like fetch.  They should stop trying to make it happen I think.

My biggest gripe here is last second continuity.  It sticks so close to what it thinks the original would have been and then veers off at the end by changing (sort of) the way it played out.  It did quickly get back in the lane, but still.

It wasn’t terrible.  Probably better than the first Omen, honestly. But it was NOT horror.

[Kaos]

Beetlejuice 2

Tim Burton’s visual style is one of those things I can only take so much of.  This is more than I can take.  It’s like Burtonfest 2024.

Lot of scenes that serve no purpose other than allowing him to revisit some of the bizarre oddities that made the first film so different and enduring. 

That film was fun, wacky, and suffused with frenetic energy, much of it supplied by Keaton, but supported by strong efforts from the rest of the cast.  This film is sorely lacking that energy. Keaton sorta sleepwalks through the role, like a cosplayer. Winona and Kevin McAllister’s mom are tired. Jenna (she’s in everything now) Ortega isn’t bad but isn’t given much to do. 

Justin Theroux is really bad.  He drags the film down.

There’s a side story about a real live Sally Skellington staple face that detracts from the film. It's so out of place and disconnected from whatever story arc there is, you actually forget is even part of the narrative until StapleFace disjointedly appears. There’s a second side story about a TV cop played by Dafoe that is even less connected. And a THIRD side story about Ortega’s boyfriend. And a FOURTH side story about Theroux and his pre occupation with Whydontcha Ryder (Ride her? I barely know her) and her career as a ghost hunter.  And a FIFTH semi side story about Ortega's piranha-eaten dad which kind of blends into a SIXTH min-side story about the demise of Ryder's dad (pedo Jeff Jones).

All the side stories - as well as the main arc - are resolved far too conveniently, essentially in one fell 15-second (stupid) swoop. 

If you enjoy being drenched  in Burton’s color palette, immersed in his twisted angles, surrounded by his trademark inhuman characters, and presented a “story” that does little more than give him the opportunity to cram as much of that into each frame as possible, maybe this is for you.  It was too much for me.

It felt like a series of barely connected scenes designed to do nothing more than pay homage to a prior success by vomiting as much of the colorful excrement left in Burtons brain at the screen. Other than seeing characters return (lazily) to roles you thought you'd probably never see; and the chance to bury yourself in the Wacky World of Burton, there's not much to recommend here.

I’ll watch the original every couple of years.  It was fresh, fun, and original.  I won’t ever watch this tired retread again.

[Kaos]

Let me save you all two hours on Conclave.

For 1 hour and 41 minutes, it's a taught thriller in the world behind the walls of the Vatican after a pope dies and the process to elect a new one commences. There's secrets, conspiracies, back-biting, lobbying, and everything that makes your basic political thriller work. Then, there's the "twist" of the end when you realize this whole thing was a vehicle for "The Message^TM" and it sinks the whole thing. Such a fumble before the goal line at the end. The Atlanta Falcons were embarrassed (for more than just their usual existence).

I couldn't help myself.  I watched it anyway.  Wish I hadn't. 

The Catholic Church is guided by greed, power, corruption, and internal maneuvering/scheming. God is secondary.  Okay, we kinda knew that. It's been that way for centuries. The slow, somber plod through that shady history as factions of self-serving bishops sought to elect a new pope was snooze-inducing. There were no new revelations. Popes are flawed, sinful, prideful men with public and private agendas.  No kidding.  Bore me more!

The cast had pedigrees. The Trinity Killer from Dexter (Lithgow, who I vowed never to watch again after what he did to my beloved Rita, and if I'd known he was in this I never would have started the thing), Fruity McFagg from Hunger Games, Voldemort, the once beautiful and now haggard Isabella Rosseliini (who never really did anything of note but look good 40 years ago), and a few others. They were all boring as paint drying on an eggshell colored wall.

Other than the STUPID "they are the most virtuous of us all" sickening twist at the end, there were two things that irked me and pretty much ruined it BEFORE the big surprise. 

One, any random street fool could have told you 15 minutes in how their stupid election was going to end up. You knew from the earliest moments who would be elected Pope, so all the posturing, grandstanding, scheming, and plotting was merely a 90 minute waste of everyone's time.  That was plotted like the worst Hallmark movie ever written.

Second, the liberal, progressive agenda was championed. Ordaining gays, ordaining women, abandoning the basic tenets of the faith was the "high road" while returning to God and the Word was sneered at as "backward."  That right there, my friends, is the problem. I don't care what this stupid movie (or the awful Catholic Church) tries to tell you. The Word hasn't changed, isn't going to change. The Church - as portrayed in this movie - attempts to mold itself to the ebb and flow of societal constructs rather than helping society see, accept, and subjugate itself to God. That's a problem and one on which Hollyweird lands on the hellish side. 

As for the "surprise" ending?  Shove that up your bishop butt with a red hot poker and let it ruminate there.

[GH2001]

I couldn't help myself.  I watched it anyway.  Wish I hadn't. 

The Catholic Church is guided by greed, power, corruption, and internal maneuvering/scheming. God is secondary.  Okay, we kinda knew that. It's been that way for centuries. The slow, somber plod through that shady history as factions of self-serving bishops sought to elect a new pope was snooze-inducing. There were no new revelations. Popes are flawed, sinful, prideful men with public and private agendas.  No kidding.  Bore me more!

The cast had pedigrees. The Trinity Killer from Dexter (Lithgow, who I vowed never to watch again after what he did to my beloved Rita, and if I'd known he was in this I never would have started the thing), Fruity McFagg from Hunger Games, Voldemort, the once beautiful and now haggard Isabella Rosseliini (who never really did anything of note but look good 40 years ago), and a few others. They were all boring as paint drying on an eggshell colored wall.

Other than the STUPID "they are the most virtuous of us all" sickening twist at the end, there were two things that irked me and pretty much ruined it BEFORE the big surprise. 

One, any random street fool could have told you 15 minutes in how their stupid election was going to end up. You knew from the earliest moments who would be elected Pope, so all the posturing, grandstanding, scheming, and plotting was merely a 90 minute waste of everyone's time.  That was plotted like the worst Hallmark movie ever written.

Second, the liberal, progressive agenda was championed. Ordaining gays, ordaining women, abandoning the basic tenets of the faith was the "high road" while returning to God and the Word was sneered at as "backward."  That right there, my friends, is the problem. I don't care what this stupid movie (or the awful Catholic Church) tries to tell you. The Word hasn't changed, isn't going to change. The Church - as portrayed in this movie - attempts to mold itself to the ebb and flow of societal constructs rather than helping society see, accept, and subjugate itself to God. That's a problem and one on which Hollyweird lands on the hellish side. 

As for the "surprise" ending?  Shove that up your bishop butt with a red hot poker and let it ruminate there.

I cannot believe Fiennes allowed himself to be in this travesty.