Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s

Kaos · « **Reply #40 on:** March 01, 2024, 09:29:21 AM »

My uncle had the heart of a lion.

He’s also banned from the zoo now.

Kaos · « **Reply #41 on:** March 01, 2024, 09:31:56 AM »

My wife left me after I got a penis enlargement.

She said she just couldn’t take any more.

Snakebite · « **Reply #42 on:** March 01, 2024, 02:47:28 PM »

A string walks into a bar & asks the bartender for a beer.
The bartender grins, saying "we don't serve strings in this bar."
The string walks outside, ties himself in a knot and messes up his hair. He then proceeds to walk back in and asks again for a beer.
The bartender asks, "Hey, aren't you that string that was just in here?!"
The string replies, " No, I'm a frayed knot."

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #43 on:** March 01, 2024, 03:03:48 PM »

If I run in front of a car, I get tired. If I run behind a car, I get exhausted.

Kaos · « **Reply #44 on:** March 01, 2024, 05:06:21 PM »

Back in the day I could go in the grocery store with $40 in my pocket and get steaks, lobster tails, hamburger, a case of drinks, and a bunch of vegetables. Can’t do that any more, though.

They’ve got cameras everywhere.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #45 on:** March 01, 2024, 05:26:04 PM »

Waiter: How do you like your steak, Sir.

Me: Like winning an argument with my wife

Waiter: Rare it is, Sir.

Kaos · « **Reply #46 on:** March 01, 2024, 10:24:54 PM »

I had a date to meet at the gym with a girl I met on a dating app last week. But she didn’t show.

I guess we aren’t going to work out.

WiregrassTiger · « **Reply #47 on:** March 02, 2024, 07:55:00 AM »

I make a motion that we rename this thread: Bad jokes, puns, dis’s

Snakebite · « **Reply #48 on:** March 02, 2024, 08:55:19 AM »

Quote from: WiregrassTiger on March 02, 2024, 07:55:00 AM

I make a motion that we rename this thread: Bad jokes, puns, dis’s

Like the rest of us, you seem to be suffering from delusions of adequacy.

WiregrassTiger · « **Reply #49 on:** March 02, 2024, 09:54:27 AM »

Quote from: Snakebite on March 02, 2024, 08:55:19 AM

Like the rest of us, you seem to be suffering from delusions of adequacy.

I honestly believe that one of the reasons that people are jealous of me because of my being so funny. And being handsome and smart on top of that? Wow! Put that together with my being such a bad motherfucker and it creates envy. There is nothing delusional about it, for the most part.

Kaos · « **Reply #50 on:** March 02, 2024, 10:47:01 PM »

I went to the eye doctor because my eyes burn after sex.

He seems to think it might be the mace.

Snakebite · « **Reply #51 on:** March 03, 2024, 09:37:36 AM »

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife left him.

Snakebite · « **Reply #52 on:** March 03, 2024, 09:46:33 AM »

What do sprinters eat before they race?

Nothing. They fast.

Kaos · « **Reply #53 on:** March 03, 2024, 11:44:30 AM »

I used to date a blind girl. One day she got a letter from the IRS. She was sure it was bad news.

She could just feel it.

Kaos · « **Reply #54 on:** March 03, 2024, 11:48:43 AM »

I went to a job interview last week. The boss asked me if I could perform under pressure.

That wasn't really my range, but I gave Bohemian Rhapsody a shot.

Kaos · « **Reply #55 on:** March 03, 2024, 11:53:27 AM »

After dinner the other night, my girlfriend asked me if I could clear the table.

Even with a running start, I barely made it.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #56 on:** March 04, 2024, 10:30:49 AM »

I started a nightclub for men with E.D.

It was a total flop. Nobody came.

Kaos · « **Reply #57 on:** March 04, 2024, 01:23:57 PM »

My buddy was a real champion. I'm gonna miss him.

Even as he lay dying, in need of a transfusion and the nurses didn't know his blood type he just kept encouraging us to Be Positive!

Snakebite · « **Reply #58 on:** March 05, 2024, 06:24:14 AM »

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #59 on:** March 06, 2024, 12:14:16 PM »

My great grandmother sold corn to Pirates.

She charged a Buccaneer.