Everything. I tried to appease and look for a photo of a good ass to start this with, but that search was also ass. If you can find Teresa Palmer's from the movie Restraint, I suggest you start there.
1. LSU's Defense. The Bayou Bengal defense remains ass. Missouri ran all over it. Also ass in relation to the Red Stick Rajas? The fact that Jayden Daniels is getting zero Heisman consideration. While the media jerks itself red and raw over Sugar Sanders at Colorado and Mandy Potempkin at Washington, Ewers, Hartman at ND, etc., Daniels is carrying this team. He's completing nearly 80% on the season with 16 TDs and only two picks. He's also rushed for about 350 yards and another 4 TDs. He doesn't get as much as a sniff from the media. That's ass. Curious to see how he fares against a fairly decent Auburn defense Saturday.
2. USC's defense. Again. Gave up 300+ yards and five TDs to a quarterback named Noah Fitfah. Still managed to win because it was Arizona, but this isn't a top ten team.
3. Texas A&M. The Aggies are typical October ass. There's a MS paint image from an old (hilarious) Longhorn message board that's probably 15-20 years old which perfectly encapsulates the perpetual A&M season cycle.
We have officially reached "furk" territory, which is funny in its own right. Adding to the general hilarity is the rumor that Petrino and Fisher had to be separated in the locker room after the game. Might be just a rumor, but it tracks with what we know about those two ego-inflated clowns.
4. Notre Dame. Can we stop hyping this overrated sack of ass team each and every season? They are ass. They've been ass for 40 years or more. They will continue to be ass. But it seems like every season we have to endure breathless verbal masturbation as the media waxes rhapsodically over the resurrection of the golden dumbos. Every couple of years they get elevated to a shot at the ring, where they promptly get blown out. Enough. They are ass.
5. Quick ass shoutout to the continued media infatuation with Colorado. Huzzah! They beat a 1-5 team that lost to Fresno 29-0. Congrats, I guess? There's a Deadspin article out last week that brutally destroys the CFB pregame shows for sucking up to all things Sanders. I had no idea there was a show similar to GameDay on Fox, and I had no idea that fat-faced Ewok moron Mark Ingram was a commentator on it, but that Deadspin piece also lays waste to his performance. I enjoyed it.
6. Miami. The Hurricane coaching staff is ass. Leading by three at the Georgia Tech 30 yard line, just over a minute left. The Buzz fresh out of timeouts. Clock runs down to 35 seconds on a third and ten snap. TAKE A KNEE! Nope. They run a handoff from the shotgun. Fumble at the 25 with 26 seconds left. Tech recovers. Yes, the refs blew it because further review shows it was not a fumble (not even particularly close, the runner was clearly down) but they let it stand. Yes, the Miami defense still had to collapse in epic fashion to allow GT to cover 75 yards in 26 seconds, but it did, causing the Cane fans to boo and hurl bottles at the celebrating Tech players. But the decision not to take a knee after getting a first down late in the game and/or attempt a field goal was asinine.
7. I hate to say this, but Hannah Storm's knees are ass. ESPN NFL preview is on in the background at the moment. Storm has always been attractive enough, but she's standing there on the set at age 61 wearing a blue dress that only reaches mid-thigh and her knees look like two bags of lumpy biscuit dough. They're difficult to look at. If you stare at them for a few seconds, the misshapen mass of her left knee coalesces into the visage of an insane clown screaming in delirium.
8. Gus Malzahn. This guy. I have no idea how he does it. Fresh off two losses, Malzahn gets a two-year contract extension from UCF that bumps his pay to $4mil this year and ups him to $5.5mil the next two seasons. That's lunacy. He's ASS. Yes, there were low-key rumors bouncing around that Sam Tittman was in trouble in Arkansas and the Hogs might be interested in bringing Gus' inability to recruit and his debunked offensive philosophy back to Little Rock - rumors no doubt planted by Jimmy Sexton - but still?? Raise and extension after back-to-back losses? Then, after getting generational wealth dumped in his lap (again) Gus promptly leads the Golden Serfs to a most ripping 51-22 defeat at the hands of Kansas -- a game in which UCF trailed 37-6 entering the fourth quarter. The multi-million ass man has the K-nights sitting at 3-3 this season with a perfect 0-3 conference record. Pay me 1/5th of his salary and I couldn't screw it up any worse than that.
9. Priorities. Our breads and circuses priorities are ass. More people are aware that Oklahoma beat Texas with a late touchdown than are aware that Hamas attacked Israel over the weekend. The long-term (and immediate) ramifications of that event are potentially catastrophic world-wide. The rumor that Hamas using weaponry supplied by Ukraine (to whom we launder approximately $230 million tax dollars PER DAY) is concerning. The possibility that Israel could unleash its nuclear arsenal is alarming. The absolute and utter weakness of the US administration in its ability to navigate the world stage, particularly in situations such as this is horrifying. But have you heard about Deion!? Them Buffs are back, baby!
10. Finally? The Atlanta Braves in the post-season are ass. Haven't been shut out since May 12. Until Saturday. Haven't been shut out at home since 2022. Until yesterday. I loathe the Phillies and despise Bryce Harper. But here we are. Dead bats and tents in the process of being folded. I wonder if anybody can do a MS Paint post-season Braves rollercoaster recap? Looks like the Bravos are at 'furk' once again.
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