Virtual AU QB suffers faux ankle injury, will miss at least first half of the season. Is expected to enter transfer portal
Johnson Badman, AU Overcover
Seeker, Auburn's new robotic quarterback, sprung a rear wheel during practice last week. The injury is roughly equivalent to an ankle sprain on a human. While not originally thought to be serious, further examination discovered a tear in the rear rotor pump line. Repairs are expected to take a minimum of 10 weeks, sidelining Seeker for the remainder of the pre-season, an absence that will extend through at least the first half of the season.
Seeker's injury occurred when it broke programming protocol and tried to pick up a first down on a wild scramble. Apparently afraid for its robotic life after spending several hours plugged into a charger in the back of the offensive line film room, Seeker wobbled two steps back, ignored an open receiver on a crossing pattern and dodged backward and to its right. It spun to the right sideline, then reversed course and wheeled 20 yards back toward its own endzone before executing another spin move. This time Seeker rolled quickly toward the left boundary, faked a downfield throw and headed for the digital first-down marker. Just short of the line to gain, Seeker executed an awkward hop-step and sprawled to the turf, motors smoking, about a yard and a half short of what would have been a first down. All four receivers on the field -- none of whom had been guarded by a defender, as it was merely a timing drill -- stood with their hands on their hips, winded after pretending to run routes and/or faux block for the 47.9 seconds it took the "play" to unfold.
After practice, a piece of teflon tape wrapped around its damaged pump line, Seeker announced its intent to enter the transfer portal.
"1001 1101 1111 0001 1010 0110 1110," Seeker told reporters.
Binary (not the sex kind) translators interpreted Seeker's remarks:
"I love this team and these coaches," Seeker blipped. "I will always leak Orange and Blue, but I think it's in my best interests at this time to enter the transfer portal and seek a new opportunity. I haven't talked to any coaches, but Ole Miss, Purdue, UCLA, Oklahoma and Liberty would all be pretty high on my list."
With Seeker out and apparently bound for the portal, Auburn coach Bryan Hangdog said the team was still in good shape in the virtual quarterback room. "We've still got Rosie on campus," Hodgkins said. "That gives us the opportunity to be the first to put a virtual quarterback that identifies as female on the field. We've still got Robby, C-3PO, and there might be some others we could beam in. We'll be fine. Watch."
Auburn receivers saw a positive in that precise routes may no longer be required.
"Look, man," Ellerqueez Marbleberry said. "We used to just running whatever which-a-way. This 'has to be five or fifteen yards' and 'be in this particular spot' stuff is just messing up our groove, ya know? I'm kinda looking forward to being able to take a play or two off because you know the ball is gonna either bounce or gonna be way over your head. So that's a good thing. We can get back to having fun out there."