Hallmark Movies = Cheese Porn

[Kaos]

Christmas in July has come to Hallmark. As I watched one of them last night (don't judge, there are reasons) it occurred to me that Hallmark movies are essentially the cheesy, sappy equivalent of a porn movie.  '

There's always at least one girl who's somewhere in the reasonably to super attractive range.  There's always a guy who's essentially interchangeable and basically a set piece. You know exactly what's going to happen. You get a happy ending. 

That formula is exactly the same in Hallmark as it is in porn. 

[Buzz Killington]

Christmas in July has come to Hallmark. As I watched one of them last night (don't judge, there are reasons) it occurred to me that Hallmark movies are essentially the cheesy, sappy equivalent of a porn movie.  '

There's always at least one girl who's somewhere in the reasonably to super attractive range.  There's always a guy who's essentially interchangeable and basically a set piece. You know exactly what's going to happen. You get a happy ending. 

That formula is exactly the same in Hallmark as it is in porn.

Substitute the big sausage pizza for a town square festival and you are spot on.

[Kaos]

Substitute the big sausage pizza for a town square festival and you are spot on.

What really triggered it for me was that the girl looked pretty good.  Seemed familiar. I was like “wonder what else she’s been in.  She looks familiar.”

And my friend says “you know her.  She was in Christmas at Moose Square where she ended up with the moose farmer. And she played the princess in Enchanted Season of Snow where she was the nanny and married that prince played by the guy with the rat looking face.  And oh… she was in Kringle All the Way where she thought the dog from the fire station was a stray and she adopted it. And it turned out the firefighter who came to flame it — you know the guy who looked like Elvis a little bit - played Santa in the winter festival but was also REALLY Santa.”

And then it dawned.  Same girl banging/falling for different guys in movie after movie, each of which followed the same formulaic pattern.

[Kaos]

The cheese has rotted. 

Tonight’s hallmark debut is a double Oreo left Twix only piece of awful shit. 

The “couple” is mixed race.  Their “best friends” are also mixed race.  And two flamers.

Hallmark is gonna fuck around and find out.  People do not want this shit.

[CCTAU]

The actors are under contract with Hallmark. A new channel has started poaching actors from Hallmark. GAC is the old Hallmark. They don’t force an agenda down your throat. Hallmark is losing viewers and actors quickly.

[Kaos]

The actors are under contract with Hallmark. A new channel has started poaching actors from Hallmark. GAC is the old Hallmark. They don’t force an agenda down your throat. Hallmark is losing viewers and actors quickly.

I can’t take the chance they might throw a country “music” video in there.  I hate country so-called music.