In the never-ending race to bend the knee and show just how culturally aware your company is, RJ Reynolds, the maker of RedMan chewing tobacco since 1904 (that's 118 years) will retire the brand and re-launch as America's Best Chewing Tobacco.
Fuck me sideways. Fucking idiots.
I was 15 years old, my first season playing varsity baseball when I was offered a chew of Red Man by my high school coach. As a 15-year old I didn't play much, spent a lot of time in the dugout watching the games, studying angles and figuring out how to earn a place on the field. I didn't say no to a great big chaw. Yes, I later vomited extensively by the batting cage, but I went back the next day and got more. By the time I was starting I was a regular pro. I'd mix the red man with a wad of Hubba Bubba for maximum consistency. I spit on the plate. I spit on umpires shoes. I spit in the basepaths. I spit on the back of first basemen's legs who were trying to hold me on.
By the time I was in my 20s, it was an everyday thing. I'd go to sleep with a chew in and just refresh it when I woke up. I chewed at work. I chewed while driving. I chewed at home. I chewed while playing softball. I chewed while playing golf. I chewed while working in the yard. I filled up unimaginable quantities of empty two-liter bottles with soupy brown spit.
And I always chewed Red Man. Always.
When I got married, my wife asked me to stop. I tried. But I still chewed as often as I possibly could, hiding gross bottles everywhere. Cigarettes? I quit those cold turkey and never looked back. But I couldn't quit chew (joke...right?) I'd swear I was going to stop and throw a half empty pack out the window on the way home from work. 20 minutes later I'd be in a gas station buying a new pack.
I finally quit chewing for good about 15 years ago. Hardest thing I ever did, but my girls were giving me all kinds of hell about it. Funny thing is? That whole time I never had a cavity. Never had a root canal. Never had a single thing wrong with my teeth. My dentist said that whatever was in the tobacco killed all the bacteria. Since I quit? Not the same.
That whole time, the entire history of it for me I chewed Red Man or Red Man Golden Blend. I had a tin Red Man sign in my den for years until the ex-wife took it down and disposed of it (which I DO not forgive).
And now they're going to go woke and change their name?
Idiots.
Can you imagine the marketing meeting?
A bunch of women (no offense) and soy sucking men going "we have to find something less offensive!! Oh my god. It's so insulting to the native american ethnic population. It has to be, right? I mean I've never met anyone who is... wait.... I did at that casino once. Her name was like .... Water Feather? She brought me a drink at the slot machine. My god, I'm sure she cries every night about the Indi....i mean native american... on our package.
What should we use? Red? No, that might be communist and our customers are rednecks. They will hate it as much as I hate them. Man? Don't you fucking dare, you misogynist twat. We don't need to recognize gender!! What about something amazing, like Unicorn Grass? Wait... our customers are rednecks. We could call it Trump, because you spit it!! hahahaha. No, I have an idea. Let's appeal to this bullshit idea of patriotism our customers cling to. Call it Freedom Chew! America's Chew! America's BEST Chew! That's it. Those trump-loving honkeys will eat that up!!"