Man, Goodbye Red...

[Kaos]

In the never-ending race to bend the knee and show just how culturally aware your company is, RJ Reynolds, the maker of RedMan chewing tobacco since 1904 (that's 118 years) will retire the brand and re-launch as America's Best Chewing Tobacco. 

Fuck me sideways.  Fucking idiots. 

I was 15 years old, my first season playing varsity baseball when I was offered a chew of Red Man by my high school coach.  As a 15-year old I didn't play much, spent a lot of time in the dugout watching the games, studying angles and figuring out how to earn a place on the field.  I didn't say no to a great big chaw.  Yes, I later vomited extensively by the batting cage, but I went back the next day and got more. By the time I was starting I was a regular pro.  I'd mix the red man with a wad of Hubba Bubba for maximum consistency.  I spit on the plate. I spit on umpires shoes. I spit in the basepaths. I spit on the back of first basemen's legs who were trying to hold me on.

By the time I was in my 20s, it was an everyday thing.  I'd go to sleep with a chew in and just refresh it when I woke up.  I chewed at work. I chewed while driving. I chewed at home. I chewed while playing softball. I chewed while playing golf. I chewed while working in the yard.  I filled up unimaginable quantities of empty two-liter bottles with soupy brown spit. 

And I always chewed Red Man.  Always.

When I got married, my wife asked me to stop.  I tried. But I still chewed as often as I possibly could, hiding gross bottles everywhere.  Cigarettes?  I quit those cold turkey and never looked back.  But I couldn't quit chew (joke...right?)  I'd swear I was going to stop and throw a half empty pack out the window on the way home from work.  20 minutes later I'd be in a gas station buying a new pack. 

I finally quit chewing for good about 15 years ago.  Hardest thing I ever did, but my girls were giving me all kinds of hell about it.   Funny thing is?  That whole time I never had a cavity. Never had a root canal. Never had a single thing wrong with my teeth.  My dentist said that whatever was in the tobacco killed all the bacteria.  Since I quit?  Not the same.

That whole time, the entire history of it for me I chewed Red Man or Red Man Golden Blend.  I had a tin Red Man sign in my den for years until the ex-wife took it down and disposed of it (which I DO not forgive).

And now they're going to go woke and change their name? 

Idiots. 

Can you imagine the marketing meeting?

A bunch of women (no offense) and soy sucking men going "we have to find something less offensive!! Oh my god. It's so insulting to the native american ethnic population.  It has to be, right?  I mean I've never met anyone who is... wait.... I did at that casino once.  Her name was like .... Water Feather?  She brought me a drink at the slot machine.  My god, I'm sure she cries every night about the Indi....i mean native american... on our package. 

What should we use?  Red?  No, that might be communist and our customers are rednecks.  They will hate it as much as I hate them.  Man?  Don't you fucking dare, you misogynist twat.  We don't need to recognize gender!!  What about something amazing, like Unicorn Grass?  Wait... our customers are rednecks.  We could call it Trump, because you spit it!! hahahaha.  No, I have an idea.  Let's appeal to this bullshit idea of patriotism our customers cling to.  Call it Freedom Chew!  America's Chew!  America's BEST Chew!  That's it.  Those trump-loving honkeys will eat that up!!"

[Snaggletiger]

My first roommate in college got me started on Skoal.  Yes, it turned me green the first time or two, but there was something strangely addicting to it, and the queasiness eased off with each passing dip.  Spent half my college career with a pinch between my cheek and gum.

I met Snagette my senior year, and while I never dipped around her, she knew I did and hated the hell out of it.  So I "weened" myself off by switching to something I enjoyed a lot less. Or thought I did.  Chewing tobacco.  Never was a fan of Red Man, but Chattanooga Chew was a lot sweeter, and hit the spot.  Turned out I liked it a helluva lot better than Skoal and yes, it was hard as hell to stop throwing in a chaw.

Plus, fuck those woke sumbitches.  I have a sneaky feeling nobody complained. 

[Buzz Killington]

So does this mean we get a full remake of The Sandlot?  Or will it just be cancelled too?

[CCTAU]

Levi Garret here. But only occasionally.

[eagleair89]

I met Snagette my senior year, and while I never dipped around her, she knew I did and hated the hell out of it.  So I "weened" myself off by switching to something I enjoyed a lot less. 

Better man than me.......

Kept the skoal, disposed of my "snagette"

Life is better.....what works for one, not so much for the others

 

[WiregrassTiger]

I was a Copenhagen man in the end. It went from skoal when it was 25 cents a can I think, to kodiak and finally the hard stuff.

None of you could handle Copenhagen, I’m sure. But the next step is shooting up with a needle.

I dipped a can a day for many years. Started as a teenager and stopped before my first (that I know of) was born. Was really fucked up being in sales and having to get it out of your teeth 10 times a day.

Then I chewed nicotine gum for 15 years. Until they told me if I chewed anymore it would likely explode another aneurysm in my brain. I weighed my options but decided to quit.

[Kaos]

I was a Copenhagen man in the end. It went from skoal when it was 25 cents a can I think, to kodiak and finally the hard stuff.

None of you could handle Copenhagen, I’m sure. But the next step is shooting up with a needle.

I dipped a can a day for many years. Started as a teenager and stopped before my first (that I know of) was born. Was really fucked up being in sales and having to get it out of your teeth 10 times a day.

Then I chewed nicotine gum for 15 years. Until they told me if I chewed anymore it would likely explode another aneurysm in my brain. I weighed my options but decided to quit.

I'm not ashamed to admit it.  I could not do Skoal -- the minty smell had me vomiting before the first pinch was in.  On top of that, I could never keep it packed and it drifted all over the place.  Tried it once, ended up kneeling in the middle of the road puking until the Gerber's I'd had 20 years before finally came back up.  Washed my mouth out repeatedly with mountain dew, thought I was past it and then caught a whiff of it again and collapsed back to the ground for another round of retching and dry heaving.  No thanks.  One of the worst experiences of my life. 

Even now, all these years later its best not to open a Skoal, Kodiak or Copenhagen anywhere near me.  If I smell it, my body starts trying to puke.  Not the quiet kind, the bluuuuuuaaaaahhhhhhheck, eyes watering, fighting back a geyser kind.  Hell, just thinking about it is making my guts roil. 

Give me Red Man all day long, though.  I chewed it long enough that spitting sort of became secondary.  I could swallow it if I was in a place where spitting wasn't possible.

I just don't see why they had to get woke and change the name and iconography though.  I mean, this probably needs an update but there's nothing wrong with Red Man.

[Snaggletiger]

I'm not ashamed to admit it.  I could not do Skoal -- the minty smell had me vomiting before the first pinch was in.  On top of that, I could never keep it packed and it drifted all over the place.  Tried it once, ended up kneeling in the middle of the road puking until the Gerber's I'd had 20 years before finally came back up.  Washed my mouth out repeatedly with mountain dew, thought I was past it and then caught a whiff of it again and collapsed back to the ground for another round of retching and dry heaving.  No thanks.  One of the worst experiences of my life. 

Even now, all these years later its best not to open a Skoal, Kodiak or Copenhagen anywhere near me.  If I smell it, my body starts trying to puke.  Not the quiet kind, the bluuuuuuaaaaahhhhhhheck, eyes watering, fighting back a geyser kind.  Hell, just thinking about it is making my guts roil. 

Give me Red Man all day long, though.  I chewed it long enough that spitting sort of became secondary.  I could swallow it if I was in a place where spitting wasn't possible.

Mine was the opposite.  Roger Lambert was the football coach at St. James in Montgomery.  Went there before I got kicked out, but that's another story.  Coach Lambert was never without a Red Man chaw in his jaw.  We were on the practice field in late August.  157 degrees.  Hot, tired and ready to head home.  We're having a scrimmage and Coach Lambert comes over and kneels down in our huddle to give us instructions.  That Red Man aroma just wafted about.  Yes, I had to step out of the huddle and dry heave.  I could never look at a pack of Red Man and not think of that smell.

[AUTailgatingRules]

Started chewing tobacco when I was probably 13.  Chewed everything from Red Man to Levi to Beachnut.  Moved on to dip when I was in High School and did Skoal for a while and eventually moved to Copenhagen.  Like Kaos, I did so much Copenhagen, I could swallow it anytime I didn't have a place to spit.

I quit it all cold turkey about 8 years ago.  I tell my wife all the time, that if I ever get diagnosed with a terminal illness, the 1st thing I'm going to do is buy enough Copenhagen to fill up a bath tub and not get out until I have dipped every crumb.

I miss my Copenhagen every day.

[GH2001]

Started chewing tobacco when I was probably 13.  Chewed everything from Red Man to Levi to Beachnut.  Moved on to dip when I was in High School and did Skoal for a while and eventually moved to Copenhagen.  Like Kaos, I did so much Copenhagen, I could swallow it anytime I didn't have a place to spit.

I quit it all cold turkey about 8 years ago.  I tell my wife all the time, that if I ever get diagnosed with a terminal illness, the 1st thing I'm going to do is buy enough Copenhagen to fill up a bath tub and not get out until I have dipped every crumb.

I miss my Copenhagen every day.

Well, I'd love to spit some beechnut in that DOOOOODE'S EYE!

[Snaggletiger]

Well, I'd love to spit some beechnut in that DOOOOODE'S EYE!

Or shoot him with my ole .45

[GH2001]

Or shoot him with my ole .45

You my boy Blue!

[CCTAU]

Mine was the opposite.  Roger Lambert was the football coach at St. James in Montgomery.  Went there before I got kicked out, but that's another story.  Coach Lambert was never without a Red Man chaw in his jaw.  We were on the practice field in late August.  157 degrees.  Hot, tired and ready to head home.  We're having a scrimmage and Coach Lambert comes over and kneels down in our huddle to give us instructions.  That Red Man aroma just wafted about.  Yes, I had to step out of the huddle and dry heave.  I could never look at a pack of Red Man and not think of that smell.

i do believe Prattville's baseball field is named after Coach Lambert. Small world.

[Snaggletiger]

i do believe Prattville's baseball field is named after Coach Lambert. Small world.

It's funny you should say that.  The skirt and I were on our way to meet my sister and her husband at their house in Montgomery a few weeks ago.  We drove right by the Huntingdon College baseball field and I told Snagette about a game I was pitching for Jeff Davis on that field.  Told her about a play where the batter hit a one-hopper back to the mound and I calmly proceeded to throw the ball down the right field line.  Stellar moment indeed. 

The point of the story was my coach's reaction when he called time and strolled out to the mound.  A second stellar moment in my illustrious athletic career.  My sister's home is a couple of blocks away and backs up to the Huntingdon football field.  We walked up to the fence and Snagette looks at the scoreboard and asks, is that the same Charles Lee you were just talking about?

Damn'd if they didn't name the field after that sumbitch.

[CCTAU]

It's funny you should say that.  The skirt and I were on our way to meet my sister and her husband at their house in Montgomery a few weeks ago.  We drove right by the Huntingdon College baseball field and I told Snagette about a game I was pitching for Jeff Davis on that field.  Told her about a play where the batter hit a one-hopper back to the mound and I calmly proceeded to throw the ball down the right field line.  Stellar moment indeed. 

The point of the story was my coach's reaction when he called time and strolled out to the mound.  A second stellar moment in my illustrious athletic career.  My sister's home is a couple of blocks away and backs up to the Huntingdon football field.  We walked up to the fence and Snagette looks at the scoreboard and asks, is that the same Charles Lee you were just talking about?

Damn'd if they didn't name the field after that sumbitch.

Charles Lee coached at Huntington? I only knew him when we beat up on him at JD....

[Snaggletiger]

Charles Lee coached at Huntington? I only knew him when we beat up on him at JD....

Don't know if he coached there, but it's the same Charles Lee.  And watch yo mouf on that JD stuff.  Bitch cuttin' is a JD grad specialty.


Actually, that's probably pretty accurate nowadays.

[bgreene]

Between smoking, dipping and chewing, I may have sampled most all brands at some point.  Now I'm stuck on Copenhagen mint.

[WiregrassTiger]

Between smoking, dipping and chewing, I may have sampled most all brands at some point.  Now I'm stuck on Copenhagen mint.

Did you ever smoke the crack brand? That shit is strong but I like it better than Camels or Winston’s.

[bgreene]

Did you ever smoke the crack brand? That shit is strong but I like it better than Camels or Winston’s.

Only the best brands of crack for this guy!! I ain't putting no Hunter Biden crap to these lips

[AUTiger1]

Copenhagen.  My dad had a little lunch box thingy that he would take the nuke plant everyday.  He kept his Copenhagen in it.  I would sneak some out and go outside and spit on everything I could like a tom cat marking his territory.  I was 13 at the time.  I started to chew a little when I was 17 or 18.  Red Ox or King B twist.  I have in my fridge right now, a twist of each and 2 cans of Copenhagen.  I quit smoking like it was nothing.  I have tried to quit chewing and dipping several times but to no avail.  Last time I tired Ms. AUT1 told me to go to the store and "buy you some dip so you'll stop being a hateful bastard!".