Rules for Facebook

[Kaos]

I despise bookface. If I didn’t have to use it for business I would never open it.  Since I do, I’d like to submit a list of rules for use.  These need to be codified. 

1) Nobody, and I mean nobody, gives a diddly fucking shit what you ate or cooked for breakfast lunch or dinner.  So quit posting that shit. 
2) Everything you see is a lie.  Your kid is not adorable. It is not cute. You are not adorable.  Your picture is not beautiful. You are not cute. You don’t make such a great couple. No one is proud of you.  So quit posting. 
3) Everything you say is a lie. You do not worship the man or woman to whom you are betrothed.  You did not wake up looking like that.  You did not LOL. So fuck you. 
4) If the purpose of your post is to draw attention to yourself in either a positive (look at what I did) or negative (this is my sad face) manner, reconsider.  Don’t post it.  Go fuck yourself instead. 
5) Nobody but your immediate family wants to see photos of your water head child doing something numbingly ordinary.  Don’t post it with some inane shit about how awesome he or she is. 
6) Nobody gives a testicular fuck in a wind turbine what “you and your little man” did.  Yay. You went to the mall and McDonald’s. Who cares? Who wants to see 15 photos of your mannerless brat with ketchup and crumbs smeared on its face? 
7) If you are part of a pyramid scheme selling cosmetics made of horse semen, keep that shit to yourself. 
8) Don’t try to start some revolution.  No, I don’t want to wear black stripes to honor America’s oil change workers. Fuck you. 
9) No, that sad kid from Sudan or the old man with a back brace will NOT get a hundred likes or shares. Don’t post that shit. 
10) Nobody is giving a fucking thing to the 10th, 100th, 1000th person to like or share shit.  You look like a fucking fool posting that. 
11) The world doesn’t care of you have a headache, had to work late, got in early or are going to bed. Shut the fuck up.  If you live alone and feel you must share, get an Alexa and talk to it. Quit posting dumbass. 
12) If somebody is dead, specify that somewhere.  People wishing happy birthday to some fuck they haven’t seen in 40 years who died back in 2005 is unseemly. 

[wesfau2]

What possible business need is filled with a FB presence?

[Buzz Killington]

Those are the kinds of details that used to be made for the shinebox.  Rest in Peace to it and the Like button.

[chinook]

What possible business need is filled with a FB presence?

cosmetics pyramid schemes.

[Kaos]

Adding #13

If you post more than two things in a single day, eat flaming shit. 

[Kaos]

cosmetics pyramid schemes.

Have you heard about Airbonne?  You could be the next millionaire.  Do you have a moment to talk about changing your life? 

[wesfau2]

Have you heard about Airbonne?  You could be the next millionaire.  Do you have a moment to talk about changing your life?

Gimme a sec...I got a guy on the other line wants to talk about Tahitian Noni Juice.

[Buzz Killington]

Gimme a sec...I got a guy on the other line wants to talk about Tahitian Noni Juice.

As soon as I get my miracle fat burning secret and those underwear with the fancy pocket for my balls, I want to hear more.

[Kaos]

As soon as I get my miracle fat burning secret and those underwear with the fancy pocket for my balls, I want to hear more.

Ok.  I got the ball pockets.  Game changer.  

[GH2001]

Gimme a sec...I got a guy on the other line wants to talk about Tahitian Noni Juice.

I’ve survived many winters without these berries. 

[Snaggletiger]

What possible business need is filled with a FB presence?

The majority of my wife’s business is conducted on bookface.  She buys and sells furniture daily.

[CCTAU]

The majority of my wife’s business is conducted on bookface.  She buys and sells furniture daily.

Some people do not live in the same world as the rest of us.

[wesfau2]

The majority of my wife’s business is conducted on bookface.  She buys and sells furniture daily.

Allow me to re-inquire thusly:

Given what I know about K's business, what in the blue fuck does a FB presence gain him?

[GH2001]

Allow me to re-inquire thusly:

Given what I know about K's business, what in the blue fuck does a FB presence gain him?

K has several businesses. One of them in particular I know of can benefit greatly from social media presence. I would almost say it’s a must. 

I’d like to add another to his list: 

28. If you are a middle aged white woman who is the pampered type and you are at the beach - I don’t need: a. To know that “life is good” ;  b. 27 of the same pictures of the same beach sand most of us have all been to every year ;  c.  A duckface selfie with your bff in your lounge chair and Michelob ultra with monogram koozie ; d. Your fucking toes in the sand. No one wants to see it. They’re ugly. Just stop it with the self loathing. 

ok I’m done. 

[Kaos]

Allow me to re-inquire thusly:

Given what I know about K's business, what in the blue fuck does a FB presence gain him?

That business, zero.  

But I have another that I started working on about a year ago.  That one I'm actually contractually obligated to use FB.  

[wesfau2]

That business, zero. 

But I have another that I started working on about a year ago.  That one I'm actually contractually obligated to use FB. 

Fair enough.  Figured you wouldn't subject yourself to that sewer without a good reason.

[Kaos]

K has several businesses. One of them in particular I know of can benefit greatly from social media presence. I would almost say it’s a must.

I’d like to add another to his list:

28. If you are a middle aged white woman who is the pampered type and you are at the beach - I don’t need: a. To know that “life is good” ;  b. 27 of the same pictures of the same beach sand most of us have all been to every year ;  c.  A duckface selfie with your bff in your lounge chair and Michelob ultra with monogram koozie ; d. Your fucking toes in the sand. No one wants to see it. They’re ugly. Just stop it with the self loathing.

ok I’m done.

Yep.  I fucking hate that too.  I endorse this addition to the rules.  

Congratulations.  You made it all the way to Gulf Shores and have a $12 plastic chair and burned troll feet.  You have arrived.  

If you are actually hot and wearing little to nothing, then yes you may post ONE photo. Full torso, please.  

[GH2001]

Fair enough.  Figured you wouldn't subject yourself to that sewer without a good reason.

Something we can all agree on ^^

Most of why I even keep it around if because it’s required to login to half the shit I use. 

[Snaggletiger]

I actually like the fb, for the most part.  I finally joined up about 4 years ago.  Other than this place, that's the only social media I get on.  I know K is stretching it just a wee bit for the comedy effect, because I occasionally use cosmetics made of horse semen....wait....whut?  But I totally get what he's saying.  I've sent several "friends" packing when every time I log on, I have to scroll through 16 consecutive memes of inspirational sayings, or 25 daily pics of your kids.  One girl, whom I've known for 20+ years, had to exit stage left, because as a real estate agent, the sole purpose of her presence on fb was to post 10 new listings every single day.  And seriously, there's really no need to start a thread entitled, "Just can't get to sleep tonight." 

However, I've enjoyed it for several reasons, including allowing me to reconnect with a lot of old friends from high school and my home town. Yes, I want to throat punch those who post a pic of just about every meal of every day, but I have been known to drop in a shot or two myself of something I'm preparing if it's more than your normal, every day eats.  I think four racks of slathered up baby back ribs may require a fb pic strictly for jealousy purposes. 

Speaking of food, I've got a buddy on fb who posts some killer recipes that I've used several times.  Anyone who has met me understands that I love to eat...a lot!  I think for the most part, I just narrow down my friends list to people I care about or want to correspond with.  And I tolerate WT, too.  I just weed through the rest of the garbage or delete anyone who is only on there to clog up everyone's feed with stupid BS.   

[GH2001]

I actually like the fb, for the most part.  I finally joined up about 4 years ago.  Other than this place, that's the only social media I get on.  I know K is stretching it just a wee bit for the comedy effect, because I occasionally use cosmetics made of horse semen....wait....whut?  But I totally get what he's saying.  I've sent several "friends" packing when every time I log on, I have to scroll through 16 consecutive memes of inspirational sayings, or 25 daily pics of your kids.  One girl, whom I've known for 20+ years, had to exit stage left, because as a real estate agent, the sole purpose of her presence on fb was to post 10 new listings every single day.  And seriously, there's really no need to start a thread entitled, "Just can't get to sleep tonight."

However, I've enjoyed it for several reasons, including allowing me to reconnect with a lot of old friends from high school and my home town. Yes, I want to throat punch those who post a pic of just about every meal of every day, but I have been known to drop in a shot or two myself of something I'm preparing if it's more than your normal, every day eats.  I think four racks of slathered up baby back ribs may require a fb pic strictly for jealousy purposes. 

Speaking of food, I've got a buddy on fb who posts some killer recipes that I've used several times.  Anyone who has met me understands that I love to eat...a lot!  I think for the most part, I just narrow down my friends list to people I care about or want to correspond with.  And I tolerate WT, too.  I just weed through the rest of the garbage or delete anyone who is only on there to clog up everyone's feed with stupid BS. 

just like with prowler on here - I’ve found that the hide feature on Facebook is a lifesaver.